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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Husband doesn't want to try yet

55 replies

Londongirl · 03/11/2003 15:35

I am feeling really low. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We are both 30 and had decided a few months ago that we would start ttc at the end of the year. I have felt the baby urge really kick in and have been getting more and more excited as the time gets closer. But last night he told me he doesn't think he's ready and doesn't know when he will be. I feel so down, but there's nothing I can do. Anyone else experienced this problem before?

OP posts:

jampot · 03/11/2003 15:46

My pal (36) has been with her chap for about 10 years and she was really desperate for a baby. She managed to talk him round and after much trying she became pregnant. She has about 2 weeks to go and they are both now really excited. TBH when I caught for my daughter we weren't trying at all and my now husband was horrified. However, after a while he came to terms with it and we have another child and are married.

quackers · 03/11/2003 15:47

Londongirl, so sorry he doesn't feel ready yet. Is there a particular reason? Peer pressure? Hobbies? Money? Is it a sudden thing he's he's announced. Something might have 'put him off'. Don't pressure him though. I would tactically highlight all the advantages gradually, any friends got cute babies/toddlers? Also, if he doesn't 'think' he's ready, then he could be swayed?? Maybe ask him to compromise and give it 6 months of spending loads of quality time together and then leave it to fate?? Sorry I'm not much help, hope someone can give firsthand experience. Sibble??

CountessDracula · 03/11/2003 15:48

Londongirl unless they are of a rather odd breed men are NEVER ready for it! Tell him it could take you 3 years to conceive (like it did me) and then he'll pull his finger (or something else) out!

Original poster

Londongirl · 03/11/2003 15:52

I just don't think he's ready to "grow up" yet. None of our friends have had babies yet, and we were one of the first to get married (nearly 2 years ago). I think he feels like he has more life to live before setling down with babies. I will try the 3 years thing though Countess Dracula (poor you!) and see where we get to.

OP posts:

quackers · 03/11/2003 15:59

It allows to be like kids again though! They get so much joy out of it!!! Hard work but worth every minute!!! Think of the toys he could buy! Tell him he'd me such a man! It's a real turn on etc... ANYTHING!!!

miranda2 · 03/11/2003 16:00

I told my dh I wanted to have 2, and from all the research about risk factors I wanted to have them both before I was 35, therefore from all the stats about how long it takes to conceive and from our thoughts about gaps and work, we'd have to start at 30. He was a bit taken aback - I think he thought it all worked more naturally - but he was convinced by the statistics! Maybe try the technical approach rather than the emotional one - not sure men ever 'feel ready' necessarily, but that might just be tough IYSWIM? either start now or risk not having any ever?

CountessDracula · 03/11/2003 16:08

Londongirl, you and your dh sound about the same as us, we got together 5.5 years before we were married, got married when I was 28, but we didn't start trying for a baby until I was 32 and dh 33 - we both did a lot of growing up in those extra 2 years and were both happy to wait until then, but we didn't realise it would take 3 years! It is a risk you take if you leave it much after 30, fertility does decrease, so maybe that will convince him (hope so!)

On the other hand it is much easier having a baby if you are both well up for it. Maybe you could strike a deal and try in 6 months or a year? But as I said he will prob never feel ready to be honest.

Original poster

Londongirl · 03/11/2003 16:19

Thanks CountessDracula (and others for replies). I feel better now and feel armed with the appropriate convincing arguments! I do believe that we should both want it and be ready so I don't want to push him too much, though like most men I think he does need a little nudge every now and then!

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 03/11/2003 16:20

Buy lovely underwear and promise fab sex, that usually helps too!

libb · 04/11/2003 21:44

Hi all,

This is a really reassuring thread as my partner told me at this weekend he wasn't sure that he was ready - I am 13 weeks pregnant! It wasn't planned and we've only been together approx. 6 months but I thought we could get through it.

We have spent the whole weekend churning everything over and the dust has finally settled, however I find myself now expecting the worse and every time he says something remotely negative I find myself fighting the insecurities off. He tells me it was a touch of the heeby jeebies and things will be fine but I can't help thinking that I should be setting up some kind of security - just in case . . .

I would really appreciate some kind of objective insight with this one!

My love and wishes to you all, Libb xx
ps: I really hope I haven't stomped on any toes with my heavy handling of a delicate subject.

sobernow · 04/11/2003 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kaz33 · 05/11/2003 13:17

I was 28 and DP 37 when we first got together. He told me he never wanted children and I told him I did and that would break our relationship up if he didn't. It took him about 2 or 3 years to come round to the idea - I was lucky I had time on my side. But now I'm 34 and suddenly all my friends in there early 30's have started to get pregnant. Another year or two might make all the difference

Nerthus · 05/11/2003 13:17

If I can add my twopennyworth Londongirl - try and find out why he doesn't feel ready. Is it just blokeish-ness, or real serious doubts? The problem with some men is you often have to be very light and gentle and non-nagging when talking about this kind of thing or they'll just clam up and start acting like a little boy with their mother. Any men reading this, I'm sorry if that sounds sexist but that's just my experience.

At 30 you do have some time, but please don't let yourself get into the situation I got into with my first husband - he put us off and put us off, accusing me of nagging and worrying needlessly. He said he did want children but not quite yet. Finally we started trying when I was 35. I miscarried, he decided he didn't fancy the whole thing at all and promptly ran off with another woman. I've now remarried but I'm 40 and have lost what may well be my last good childbearing years thanks to my ex's pissing me about. Me and my lovely new husband, who does really want kids, are trying desperately but I now am having uterine problems because of my age and have to face the prospect that I may have lost my chance of childbearing altogether, something I would find it hard to forgive either my ex or myself for. Please don't let this kind of thing happen to you.

CountessDracula · 05/11/2003 13:19

How's it going Londongirl and Libb.

BTW when we got married neither of us wanted children at that point, we agreed that in 5 years time we would think again and if one did and one didn't then we may have to split. Luckily we both did (well I did and managed to persuade dh, fortunately by the time we finally managed to conceive 3 yrs later he was frothing at the mouth for it!!!)

M2T · 05/11/2003 13:21

In my humble opinion most men (in fact most women too) will have that panic when thinking about ACTUALLY trying for a baby. I know my DH did..... but by that point I was 5 wks pg!

It is definitely a responsibility issue that, as long as its not on a relationship ending scale, disappears whenever they feel the first kick... or perhaps when they hold their baby for the first time.

I think if we all had planned children and discussed when to start trying then alot of us just wouldn't have any! And that would be a shame.

MEN!

CountessDracula · 05/11/2003 13:21

Nerthus, best of luck, sorry to hear that you are having probs. You should join us on the Anyone trying to conceive no 6 thread, you will be in good company.

FWIW my dh said that he would have children mainly because if we didn't because of him he thought I would resent him in later life and feel unfulfilled - bless him. He is a very enthusiastic daddy now

codswallop · 05/11/2003 13:22

I remember when I got my first positive sign - I was almost sick with fear!

CountessDracula · 05/11/2003 13:25

why coddy?

Original poster

Londongirl · 05/11/2003 14:11

Thanks for all your support. DH and I had a great talk last night and aired a lot of feelings. he didn't appreciate how "ready" I am for it, and he feels like life is just passing by - he said he doesn't want to wake up and be old and 40! I tried to gently argue that he will be 40 one day - whether he has kids or not! I also explained that although he may not feel ready now when the time comes he will have 9 months to get used to the idea, and also it may take us a while to conceive. So he is on board to start ttc in the new year.

OP posts:

M2T · 05/11/2003 14:15

Londongirl - thats fantastic! Get on the TTC thread No.6!
I'm hoping to be able to announce a positive before March.... that thread is getting quite busy now!

aloha · 05/11/2003 14:32

Londongirl, well, parenthood certainly throws you into the thick of 'life'! Good news. My dh never 'wanted children' in the abstract - I don't think many men do - but you couldn't imagine a more loving or committed dad.

dadslib · 05/11/2003 14:39

Message withdrawn

quackers · 05/11/2003 14:58

Fab news Londongirl. Bonus points to him!!! Extra eyebrow plucking!!! Lucky chap!!!!

codswallop · 05/11/2003 14:59

Cd realised that there was no way out! I really wanted the baby - much planned -but the dawning realsisation that this was it!!

CountessDracula · 05/11/2003 15:11

Coddy when I tested +ive I shouted Oh Shit and spent the next hour until dh got home trembling and wondering if it was what I really wanted (ludicrous after 3 years of trying isn't it!) So you are not alone...

When I gave dh the pissy stick he said Oh Shit too (after saying eurgh have you weed on that and throwing it on the floor lol!)

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