Husband doesn't want to try yet

[Londongirl]

I am feeling really low. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We are both 30 and had decided a few months ago that we would start ttc at the end of the year. I have felt the baby urge really kick in and have been getting more and more excited as the time gets closer. But last night he told me he doesn't think he's ready and doesn't know when he will be. I feel so down, but there's nothing I can do. Anyone else experienced this problem before?

OOP, I do understand that you would like your babies close together, but I think Aloha has a very valid point about the effect this kind of planning has on any possible relationship: you are not looking for a relationship but a father who arrives on time according to your timetable, and that doesn't seem tobe what men find attractive when they begin a relationship. I think you need to relax. Of course we all hear stories of 'difficulty' in 'older' mothers, that's what people talk about, and there is an absolute obsession in the press about it at the moment. But I had an absolutely straightforward pregnancy, was calm and relaxed through a long labour, and had no problems breastfeeding. When the midwife at the booking in appointment asked me how long it took to conceive, I was able to answer truthfully 'about 10 mins'. Now, this isn't an evangelist pitch for more mature motherhood, BUT if you relax about that aspect of it, you might just find a relationship which enables you to be a mother as soon as you would like! Good Luck!

Dear OOP I really understand how you must feel about the anxiety to find the right bloke. I had the same problem after my ex left me when I was 36, before any children at all. Does one choose the first bloke who happens along who seems like he'll be a good dad, and ignore any instincts that he mightn't be right for you? Do you wait for Mr Perfect or settle for Mr Just OK and risk becoming a single mother? It's so difficult. I very nearly committed myself to the first bloke I went out with after my divorce, who would have been a great Dad, but would have driven me bonkers, purely because I was so desperate for a child before it was too late. BUT I luckily realised it would have been no go, and I did NOT want to be a single mum, having been brought up by one myself. If you want the issue of parenthood sorted before you start seeing anyone, maybe you could do worse than try the websites of internet dating for single parents or people who want to meet them. (A recently divorced guy I know, 43 with 2 kids that he has most of the time, perfectly normal and nice and not weird, met someone that way in about 5 minutes flat). I know it's often easier for men, but it might be worth trying if you haven't, or if you don't feel strange about doing such things! At least that way the issue of children IS on the agenda right from the start and you can get on with the important stuff, like, do you like and fancy each other!

But, as others here say, you HAVE got some time. At least you have one child, so you know you are fertile, which is a BIG advantage.

Nerthus, Thanks for your message. What agency did your friend use? I might try it if you can persuade me that they are not all nutters. The whole dating thing has left me a bit jaded, but in a weird way has made me more fulfilled (without meeting anyone suitable) because it makes you analyse who you are, and what type of person you are looking for. I have realized what my identity is not, eg I don't feel that my major identity is as a single mother - although I do have a very close friends who were or still are on their own with children, nor is it my profession, my religion, my race, or the city I live in. All these dating agencies have a particular theme, and sometimes it helps you to realize that that is or is not part of your identity, eg I got lots of very old-fashioned responses via a religious based agency, and I did not have anything in common with men who contacted me via another kind of "lifestyle indicator" agency and I had to accept that I want a partner from a similar socio-economic background, who will fit in with my present lifestyle and friends. One interesting thing is how your own adverts change over time, and become more specific as you think about what is really important to you, but this reduces all your responses. Eg if you say you are looking for someone kind, attractive and interesting you will get millions of men replying (many of whom you do not think are!), but if you say you are looking for someone with ethics and balanced and intelligent lifestyle then you will get a very few elite responses, plus some from total nutters with photos! However, I am sure that knowing what you want is a major step forward in life in general, and, after all, you only need one special person, not dozens of just ok ones.

FWIW a friend who has had a series of disastrous relationships is just going through IVF with donor sperm. It's not ideal, and she's heartbroken that life hasn't dealt her the husband deal, but at 41 she just can't afford to wait any longer. A comment by another friend " a woman in her forties with a child is much less of a threat to a potential mate than a childless woman in her 40's looking for someone to mate with" struck a chord with her and she realised she too assessed every man she met in terms of his fatherability. THis way - and believe me we all know it's not ideal by any stretch of the imagination - but at least she's going for the baby she's always longer for. If she gets it and the man comes later - all the better. She had two goes at insemination with donor sperm - cheaper and less invasive ,but at her age only a 10% chance of success - before trying IVF. I would have thought at your age you could easily afford to give yourself two years grace before going this route, but certainly if you decide that's what you want to do the fact taht you are young and have a child already are v much in your favour.
Good luck with whatever you decide
PS I'm an older mother and I'm sure I do have less energy but I wouldn't have wanted to have my children any earlier despite the risks - it's just horses for courses though isn't it?