Husband doesn't want to try yet

[Londongirl]

I am feeling really low. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We are both 30 and had decided a few months ago that we would start ttc at the end of the year. I have felt the baby urge really kick in and have been getting more and more excited as the time gets closer. But last night he told me he doesn't think he's ready and doesn't know when he will be. I feel so down, but there's nothing I can do. Anyone else experienced this problem before?

Londongirl YEAH YEAH YEAH!!! Well done!!

Well done Londongirl. Good luck!

Thank you all. I'll hopefully be back soon to discuss all things conception and pregnancy!

I was so fed up with blokes pissing me about that I pretty well went for it the minute I met dp - but our reaction was a bit of a mutual 'oh shit' too. In fact he said 'oh shit...I'll have to get a bigger car'

You all make me laugh - in a nice way! By the way, Londongirl I am really pleased for you - good luck!

My dp and I seem to doing fine after "that weekend" too - we also had the chat and I did tell him I was scared too, he took some comfort in that (if taking comfort in my fears is a good thing?!). I still have concerns but it did suddenly occur to me the other day that worse things could happen - but I would just rather not go it alone because I am more than fond of the silly old fool. He is of me too but is more prone to doom and gloom moments, a luxury I can't indulge in!

Plus I currently work with a lady who has been told, at the age of 40, that she cannot have children and she is understandably heart broken. There is nothing physically wrong and there is no obvious reason.

It doesn't help that it is just the 3 of us in our little team and my announcement wasn't expected! (even by dp and I). She and I have had a good chat because of our extreme circumstances. But news like that can still get you thinking. . .

I really appreciate you allowing me to ramble on!

when I showed my dh the stick with the thin blue line on it he said "oh" and then said "well I'm going to watch the football on telly". I went ballistic at him saying "I've just conceived our first child and all you can say is "oh"?!! He went white and said "Oh, is that what the line means? I thought it meant you were having your period!"

Why he thought I needed a stick with a blue line on it to tell me that I was having a period I'll never know. Biology was never his best subject. Anyway when it dawned through his dense skull that I was actually pregnant he produced a suitably rapturous response.

The story of how we got engaged is even worse, but I won't bore you with it here. Suffice to say he doesn't perform conventionally when it comes to the major moments in life. Sigh.

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lol twinkie.
what did he think, that one tit had a little notice on it saying "not for consumption"?!!

LOL PPH!!! Please do tell the engagement story, go on!.

Libb glad it is a bit better for you, I'm sure you'll get through it ok. Do prepare him for the first few weeks post partum not all being cooing smily babies and bliss though....

Your poor colleague, I feel for her.

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oh god Twinkie that is gross. Bleagh

well basically we had a chat on the sunday about where our relationship was going (been together for 4 years), and agreed that we would probably get married. on the tuesday night he woke me at about 3 in the morning to tell me that he was terribly sorry but every time he thought about getting married it made him feel physically sick. I said "oh, ok" and we rolled over and went back to sleep.
On the Friday he came to my flat in the early evening, said he needed to speak to me, and started this enormous speech, saying "I've been doing a lot of thinking, and this relationship can't continue in the same way, I think we need a change... blah blah blah". I obviously thought I was being dumped, and was full scale sobbing on the sofa with snot all over my face when he realised that something was not going quite right. He said "no, you don't understand, I'm asking you to marry me"!!

It was ridiculous. I told him it was the worst fucking proposal I'd ever heard and if he thought I'd marry him after that, he had another think coming.

Anyway we sorted it out eventually. But to this day if we ever see a romantic proposal on tv etc I jab him in the ribs and remind him that he did a bloody awful job of it and I still feel cheated!!!! Poor man!

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LOL again PPH! What a divvy! But how sweet.

Thanks DC, I think DP has his heart in the right place - and I am the first to admit that this whole year has been completely back to front for us both anyway! He is a diamond despite the heeby jeebies moment and a passion for ruddy football . . .

I am waiting for a divorce to come through, my husband is a wonderful guy but DP proved harder to ignore (I realise that sounds a little callous but I do take my relationships seriously and there were many hours of thought and anguish put into the final decision, having also turned 30 in June I have spent most of it feeling like a real b*h).

I guess this helps explain why 5/6 months later we are both somewhat stunned (and scared) about expecting a child together! It wasnt part of the plan for at least 2/3 years but I think I believe in fate and it was meant to be, maybe?

At least this year has taught me how to take life in my stride and not be so assuming about the future can hold! As for my colleague, she quietly hopeful that if she takes what the doctors tell her with a pinch of salt then it may happen anyway, fingers crossed. If not then I have promised that I will sit in her chair for at least 10 mins every day for luck (this came from another colleague years ago who was convinced it helps conception!)

Incidentally, PPH, my DP still doesn't understand why his 'proposal' of 'well, it would make things more convenient' went down like a lead balloon...

Londongirl, and others, I am going through similar questions now, except it is worse because all the decisions are mine to make. I am also 30 and I really want to have 2 more children before 35 (though at the moment can only afford one more but if there were a decent age gap between 2nd and 3rd, could in the long run afford three). Ds is nearly 4 and I don't want more than a 6-year gap either. Having had one, I know about what expense, stress, responsiblity is involved, and I also know that it is really important to me to have another child. In my ideal plan, I would have my second at 31-32 and third at 34-35. I am really concerned about birth defects because I would not be prepared to terminate in that situation and so I feel that 35 is my longstop for finishing my family. I have tried for 3 years to meet a new partner with total lack of success, and now I am really wondering whether I am going to sit on a rock waiting for a hero until I am 40 and all the risks are much higher. I also know lots of older mothers, and, no offence to them, I can clearly see that pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding has been harder for them than it was for me and younger mothers. I was thinking about going to see my GP, just to find out whether single women really can get pregnant these days by choice. I had decided to give it two more years of dating, and then go for it, but now I thinking, why wait that long, maybe I should start trying on my own at 31.

outofpractise - hey, don't panic. You really are so young. Why give yourself these totally arbitrary and artificial deadlines? I'm not that surprised you're not meeting anyone if you have already planned your joint future in such minute detail.
The 'risks' of older motherhood (though at 30 that's a long way off for you anyway) are hugely exaggerated. There is a raised chance of having a child with DS, although the odds are ALWAYS hugely against it. However, there are no other defects strongly associated with age, and you are no more likely to have a child with a disability other than Downs at 38 than you are at 28 and of course, the vast majority of children with Downs are born to women under 35 anyway. There is a slightly raised risk of complications with birth in mothers who are around the 40 mark, though there are no complications that are exclusive to older mothers. I had placenta praevia, that may be associated with age, but is every bit as likely just to be a fluke. I had an easy pregnancy, a quick recovery and breastfed for a year (older mothers are MORE likely to breastfeed). The children of older mothers, on average, read and write earlier and the twins of older mothers are healthier (probably because older mother, in general, have more patience!).
My dh's ex had three children after 39 and all are fine. Her oldest daughter, my stepdaughter, was seven when her second child was born.
I didn't meet my dh until I was 35 and I don't regret waiting as I very much hope he will be my dh for the rest of my life (or his ).
I very much wanted children but I also wanted someone to share the whole experience with.

I second Aloha. I spent my 36th birthday contemplating the fact I was single, childless and likely to stay that way; I spent my 37th contemplating a positive pregnancy test, courtesy of my really rather recent boyfriend and ONE contraceptive slip-up! Not recommending that road to everyone, but would say please don't feel too despondent. I've just had my second at 40. And it was a completely straightforward home birth...

aloha, and motherinferior, thanks for reminding me not to panic, and I am happy that you had good experiences as older mothers, but your posts really made me think about what I want, and I think that I am very different from you. I don't fall into any of the stereotypes about really young mothers - I am not immature and I can see by comparing myself to other mothers (most of whom are older than me) at Nursery that I am doing a good job of being a mother. It is just the same as some people being ready for university at age 18, some wanting a gap year first, and others ending up being mature students: lots of people say mature students are the best students, but that is not a reason that I would use to put off a keen 18 year old from starting university. Once you already have a child, and know how great it is, you start to wonder why you are putting your life on hold for some prince charming who may not come. Every year that I delay having my second child, is one year of my life not shared with that child. The older a woman gets, the longer it takes to conceive, the greater the risk of miscarriage, and the higher the risk of really serious defects - this is true regardless of how many happy stories you hear about older mothers who got pregnant quickly and had healthy babies. If I wait 10 years it is much less likely that my parents will be fit and healthy, and it would be sad if they did not know their grandchildren. I also don't want to be having my grandchildren when I am too old to help out with them, because I had my children when I was older. I have decided that I will give it two more years of dating and then go ahead alone. I don't think that any man that was not put off by my having already one child would be put off by the fact I had two children. All my friends plan their lives in this way, in order to progress professionally, remain solvent, plan for retirement, etc. I can't understand how it is possible to be laidback about planning your children, unless you are someone who really can cope with the possibility of not having children. I have also seen friends experiencing IVF and miscarriage, and this makes me very reluctant to take a chance by delaying maternity into late 30s, if it is in my power to finish having my children earlier. Having planned my first child, until which time I had, deliberately and carefully, never got accidentally pregant, I just can't understand accidental pregnancy amongst educated women, and so I know that the only way I will have more children is by planned pregnancy.

Sorry, OOP, I have to query your last post because I'm actually rather hurt by it. I didn't conceive till I was 36 not because I didn't want children - I have always wanted children. I didn't meet a man who loved me enough to stay with me and have children. I spend quite enough time feeling inadequate about that, thank you.

Oh, and I spent most of my sexually active life incredibly paranoid about contraception. Yes, I got 'careless' at 36 when I'd finally hooked up with a nice bloke. Well, sue me.

motherinferior, Please don't be upset, because I did not mean to insult you. I am not saying that it is a crime to get accidentally pregnant, just that some people like to plan things more than other people, and people have different attitudes towards different types of risk. You were obviously more cautious than me about when you had met someone who loved you enough to stay - obviously I was wrong in how much I thought my ex was committed to me, but I never regret that I had ds with him, and my experience of having a baby with the "wrong" man obviously affects my view now of how important it is to wait for the "right" man. Obviously, you could have had a baby alone before 36, but it wasn't something that you wanted to do, that's all I meant, and so it wasn't going to haunt you later that you hadn't done so.

I seriously thought about it, and then decided I didn't want children enough to do it on my own.

Sorry I flew off the handle.

I'm with you OOP. I'm 25 and am ttc No'2 at the moment. I want to have all my children before I'm 30. It's just a personal choice, no reason other than I would like to.

However, I do kinda feel like you are never going to find the right man if you are so obsessed with finding one who will immediately father a child for you. Should you not plan it the other way around? Meet the man and then discuss children??
I do apreciate the time constraint that you feel, but you may be trying too hard to find a biological father rather than a man you can spend your life with. Just my humble opinion FWIW.

M2T, you have hit the nail on the head. The problem for me is that I have totally separated out the desire to have children from the desire to have a romantic partner again. I do want both, in an ideal world but I have got so cynical that I doubt that I am going to fulfil both desires from the same man. That leaves the children thing totally in my own court, hence this dilemma. In a way, it is only by giving myself this 2-year period of grace, that I could meet someone and one thing lead to another. Also, as I do already have ds, any close friend ends up spending time with us both, so I am actually only interested in a man that likes children.