Waiting to try to conceive

[Amonstercooper]

Another thread for those who are waiting to try for a baby. It doesn't matter how long or short the wait; why you are waiting; or how many DC you have. All are welcome.

Old thread here.

That's nothing compared to how smug I used to be about foolish women who leave TTC to their late 30s!

Hello again to all- massive sympathies with everyone struggling with their partners' reluctance. Like everyone else, mine has seemed quite on board with the idea and indeed broody, deliberately making space for children, etc. with the caveat that a few things need to be sorted out first but then just this weekend he seems to have had a full reversal. We bought a house with a spare bedroom for children and now he's talking about turning it into a library- about which I am UTTERLY horrified as I eg: changed jobs to have an easier commute for if/when I am pregnant, made various decisions based on the idea I would be having a baby soon (moving to a more stable, if less interesting, part of the sector I work in, etc.) and now I have the horrible feeling he is totally off the idea. Which is pretty much a dealbreaker, if it's the case. Tried talking to him about it last night but he announced it "wasn't a healthy thing to talk about" and changed the subject.

I suspect he's just gone a bit wobbly about it- I kind of think males don't always realise that it takes AGES to make a baby. I mean, even if we got a BFP on the first cycle (unlikely) and everything went perfectly then we'd have three quarters of a year to sort things out.

Sorry about the rant, have been feeling very down about it for the past few days.

Evening all. DH and I are complete reversals. He is ready to start a family now (and even asked if he could have a couple of "russian roulettes" in January) but I am the one who is imposing the delay until June because I do all the finances, plus I'm the one that has to take time out of work and put my body through pregnancy etc (which I really don't mind and am totally ready for, just not until the end of spring). Now we have agreed a start date I can't think about anything else, I'm so excited BUT despite his initial excitement, my DH refuses to talk about it and get excited or discuss plans. I kept getting really confused as one minute he seemed excited when we discuss our future plans but when I try to talk about the details he clams up. I finally got to the bottom of this and, it may only be my DH, but his reluctance to talk or plan comes down to his fear that he will be infertile!!! He says he feels a little bit of pressure that men are expected to turn up and just "do the job" but no one knows even if we are able to have children so he worries that we'll get our hearts set on it then he won't be able to produce the 'goods' or it will take years. There is a family history of struggling to conceive on his side and we had always assumed it was the women but then his sister fell pregnant the first month she tried despite always thinking she could never have a baby so that has now left my DH with the fear that it might be him! Therefore DH feels he has to balance out of my excitement but thinking realistically. (Hope that made sense, I started to waffle once my fingers got going!)

Hi All,

I am an on/off lurker in this thread.

My brief history is that I am WTTC DC#3. Have been trying to convince DH for about 2.5 years now (DS is 6 and DD is 4) and he has varied from being completely against it with a passion, to 'saying' he would go for it for my sake but then changing his mind when it actually came to doing to the deed.

6 months ago I decided to have a break from the issue for 6 months to see how we both felt after the time off discussing it all the time. 6 months on, I still feel as strongly and broached the subject with him again over Christmas. After a lot of discussion, he said he wasnt happy with our love life (usual story - 2 DCs, DH work FT, me working PT and launching a business so no time and energy to invest in the bedroom). I asked him if the love life issue was the stumbling block ( worried that if it's bad when we have 2 DC that it would get worse with another DC). He said it was.

So we have both made an effort. It hasn't felt like a duty, after all I wanted a better love life too!

So now I am choosing to assume that this means we can start TTC. Sorry about TMI but we did DTD without protection the other night but not sure if for DH it was a one-off. Daren't ask him the question because I don't want to hear an answer I don't like. So we will see how that goes.

My main question is - if DH doesn't come round, at what point do I give up and get on with my life? For my own sanity, at some point I will need to have a word with myself and decide that it's not going to happen and that I need to learn to accept that I can be happy without DC3.

I keep reminding myself that I have a lot to be grateful for - DS, DD, happy marriage apart from baby issue etc. I am generally a happy and content person - appreciate life and live in the moment quite a lot. I refuse to let this issue take that away from me so I will need to make the break at some point where I accept that DC3 isn't goign to happen and that life will still be full of joy regardless. Just maybe not exactly the way I had planned it.

Has anyone set themselves a target date/point/situation at which point they will throw the towel in?

Sensibly, I should decide that I will work on bedroom issues together with DH and if they remove the obstacle to TTC, then great, otherwise just give up and enjoy new improved marriage. Maybe I should give it another 2-3 months?

Help!

It depends, have you always discussed having three or has it been after you've had your first two. If he'd always assumed you were just having two maybe he's looking forward to having his wife back as kids are growing up rather than going back to sleepless nights and nappies x

Chemise don't worry, it's easy for anyone to forget about The Plan momentarily and absentmindendly say something like "this could be a library", it doesn't necessarily mean he's changed his mind. As men aren't being driven to TTC at gunpoint by their hormones, I guess it slips their minds most of the time, and it's a big deal to us when they forget. Maybe he didn't want to forget the whole conversation, but not necessarily forget TTC iyswim?

Well that's another month wasted.
Men are diffently not ruled by hormones. They can be insenvative jerks, but there you go.
They do not have that ticking clock, noisily in the background. Which by the way is driving me NUTS

Ew

Lottie, I think you may have a point. I have decided that I will give it x months (not sure what x equals yet but it will be less than 6). Then I will be happy regardless and I'll know that I tried my very hardest to convince him so no regrets. I know I am being simplistic and part of me will always think what if, but at least I'll start to look forward and get on with other projects.

You sound more in control of your situation than I am of mine.

Chemise, being a book fanatic, I would take an in-house library as reasonable compensation for not being allowed to ttc dc3!

Thereisamum it is really common for women to want a third child and their partner won't. Your partner has made it clear that a more fulfilling love life is important to him at this stage in your lives; no matter how well intentioned you are, you won't be able to maintain the same level of enthusiasm once DC3 comes along. Realistically, is he likely to be willing to consider making some sacrifices in that area of your lives one more time?

You probably know which of you is most likely to get your way on this if you thrash it out and each have your say. If it will probably be him, then far be it from me to suggest an accident, but you appear to currently be in a position where you could engineer an accident without actually having to trick him iyswim. My DH has made it incredibly clear that he will not risk a baby, the only way we could have an "accident" would be if I went to great lengths to deceive him, or if it was genuine (ha!) so I'd caution you that once you make a big issue of it, the window of opportunity you appear to have now may be firmly closed.

Anecdotally on here, it seems many women do feel complete after DC3, or at least can better resign themselves to it being the last.

Evilwater sorry to hear it, we can't use every egg, but I know how you feel.

Lottie that makes a lot of sense actually, you sometimes don't realise what weird macho pressures men are under. I guess coming at it from that perspective it's not helpful if your partner has managed to isolate her fertile days, so the pressure is on!

I'm really lucky that after a sulky/quiet spell DH will eventually talk to me about what's on his mind so I get to understand a little bit.

I think I might start the 3 child conversation now despite not even having one yet! I'd always assumed we'd have two if we were lucky enough due to ease - 3 bed house, family car etc but now Awayina has me thinking 3 sounds like a nice number so I might start to condition DH to my thinking now :)

Well I didn't get my last depo which was due to run out around Christmas day. I was spotting and bleeding after my second jab but it all stopped around the time the depo ran out and nothing since, had bad ovary pain last week though! Hoping that against the odds I get a normal cycle fairy quickly, had some period pain backache this morning. So just waiting for my periods to kick back in!

Well all this talk and Ive always wanted a big family say around........5!Well we can't even have one yet so should really see how that goes first ....although I have told OH from day one that I want a big family and he has always been cool going along with it I hope when it actually comes to it he will still be the same. To be fair he's the laid back one and I'm the complete stress head so we shall see how it goes

Just to add on to that message ......if we are lucky enough to have a big family Im a student paed nurse (nearly qualified yay!) so am fully aware of the many complications that can occurr. I'm a planner though so I just can't help thinking about it already
spottypyjamas it seems we are in a pretty similar situation I'm waiting to be financially stable and in a new job, currently looking at the moment so that I can hopefully have one waiting for me as soon as I qualify (Aug 2012) , OH is also having a career change and is about to do a hgv driving course so come the summer we should be a lot better off financially and moved into a new home that we plan to buy........but I feel so impatient even though I know its the right thing to do.
I have single friends but also have a friend who is pregnant and another who is TTC , and I have to admit I'm jealous .... neither have put any thought into it and had literally one day just decided ''yeah lets have a baby'' the pregnant one is in same situation as me however she is not a student they rent a flat and live off her DH wage and I have to wait and I have been longing for one for what feels like forever ....sorry if that sounds awful and I sound like a spoilt brat :(

I have a friends like that, Nancy, They just got pregnant because she wanted to, with absolutely no very little thought about how they would cope financially, childcare, their jobs, the size of their house etc. I was pretty envious that people could be so carefree.

They have a gorgeous DD now, and are brilliant, natural parents, but reality is biting hard now that its dawning on them that their lifestyle has had to change dramatically without her FT wage, he is having to work loads of extra hours to make ends meet and she often complains she never gets to see him. They now think their house is too small, but they have no means to move. They're happy, but paying the price somewhat for not preparing themselves a bit more.

Awayinamangercooper Unfortunately I think it's quite a lot more than a slip- he was buying shelves. Am going to address it with him at the weekend. (aside from anything else the room is a tiddly child's bedroom and definitely not a library, the mentalist; ah, ludicrousness of interior decor-related spats)

Evilwater I've been having really distinct ovulation pain for the last day and am raring to go but of course it's just another month of waiting. Which is sensible but my body is not doing 'sensible' currently, it is sobbing insanely at the previews for One Born Every Minute.

My body is not being sensible and I(as will many of us I suspect) will be staring longingly at the tv tonight for an hour of one born every minute......oh the torture lol! Perhaps I will push the boat out and make myself feel better treat myself to a bottle glass of red wine

Nancy86 Yep i'm tuned into one born every minute, even watched teen mom on mtv beforehand, oh dear.....

Hi, I'm new here (well, new at posting anyway) so please be nice to me :)
My plan is to start ttc next month; dp is happy with the plan so far, just hope he doesn't change his mind. I hope to conceive either in the next couple of months (yeah, I know, have to be very lucky for that to happen!) or after our wedding, as we are going to the US on our honeymoon, so want to be at least 12 weeks pg (I hope I am using the right acronyms here ). Anyway, I want to start that soon as I am 38 at the end of this month....how did that happen?

Hi all, looking for someone to talk to, i'm reluctantly WTT until October 2013!. I would love to TTC now but we have a holiday booked to america in october 2013 and my husband wants to wait until then to try. Is there anyone else here who is waiting a long time?. My husband doesn't seem to understand how hard it is for me and I would really appreciate someone in the same situation to talk to.
Thanks :)

xDeeJ- welcome to the forum for waiters!! :) See previous moans posts and you can tell there are quite a few of us on the loooong stretch waiting it out! :(

America is nice, something to look forward to though!

I need something to occupy my mind as i will go crazy before Dec if / when my hubbie hopefully sticks to his word and agrees to TTC.

FlysinDreams- thats great you can start TTC soon, wishing you the best!

Nancy i have one particular friend who i have distanced myself from because of this and a few other reasons. She was in my house on NYE 10 and i stupidly convided in her that i was desperate for kids but had to wait it out, she said, god no, i dont want them yet i like my life etc. I kid you not, within 4 weeks, she was TTC. I was disgusted. I know this sounds illogical but i feel she totally 'stole' my idea you know. Anwyay, she got pregnant first try, much to her husbands horror, and they had a little girl, but she isnt v motherly and isnt loving it now, obviously wasnt such a good plan for her. So she has hired a maid (again i live in the Middle east so this is v v comman)and now the maid minds the baby, does the night shift, feeds it, changes nappies ( she hasnt changed one!!!) etc.
To be honest, it took me a long time to come to terms with this, feeling that it was unfair that God gave her a baby when she doesnt really want it, and im desperatre for one and have to wait it out. Ive cried buckets over it, my DH used to listen to me but now just says, enough, dont want to hear it, if you dont want to get upset, then stop seeing her. So i have!! :(

Anyway, Life is crap sometimes! :(

Hi - another newbie here! xDeeJayx we are also long time waiters, I have to shift a huge amount of weight in 2012 and then the plan is to TTC in 2013 which seems so far away!

Hi rebecklet I know 2013 seems so far away doesn't it I hate to wish my life away but I want it so bad to come super quick!
freckly12 I totally know what you mean my two friends have never had the desperation longing that I feel I have had my whole life and they have just jumped straight in after a seconds thought , I sound horribly jealous and I am happy for them believe it or not.I'm looking forward to babysitting duties and looking forward to a years time when it will be my turn :)

Hello to all newbies and long timers on the thread - waiting long or short - either way I think we all find it frustrating! I am so grateful to have this outlet...

I watched One Born Every Minute last night for the first time ever - have avoided it in the past and part of me regrets watching it last night - it was so fabulous its made me feel even more broody now...

I got some good advice on another thread and I will be going for it from March 3rd! - hows that for precise!!! So thats 50 days from now... (And a sneaky look at the period tracker on my phone suggests I should be halfway through ovulation! although I reckon my holiday/travel plans are likely to mix things up anyway and I know the chances of being that lucky are miniscule!)

I realised I wanted to have kids in October 2010 after a late period/pregnancy scare. Mainly because I was so worried, but then when the period did arrive about a week late I was even mortified... In that time we'd talked about the implications and were preparing ourselves for a new life and it was such a good feeling. Other half to this day talks about how more upset I was when I came out of the bathroom and that crystalised for him that we should be having a family. So we gave ourselves some time (i guess it will be about 18 months) to sort a few things and save up lots of money and the time is nearly here...

FlysInDreams - we will be starting nearly the same time and similar age - I'm 36! I am one of those women with a very loud ticking clock!

Evening all, just got in from work and not sleepy so thought I'd catch up with the thread. It is nice to hear everyone's stories about why they are wttc. It stops me obsessing about my situation. Not that I want any of you wttc for too long of course!

Is interesting how other people getting pregnant affects us when we want it sobadly. My friend is 4 months pregnant but I don't feel envious because it gives me hope that I will get a chance too. Her partner was dead against it but she stopped taking the pill and now he has to get used to it. They already have a dd. Not that I am advocating getting pregnant despite partners wishes (although I have considered it in one of my lowest lows!)

Men will never understand how we yearn for babies because they are wired differently. To me, I feel that I have a dc3 out there in the ether just waiting to be allowed to join my family. I almost feel like he or she exists already! How could I ever expect dh to understand that feeling.

Am not very good at typing on phone so will stop there. By the way, for you posters that think they are old, I willbe joining the 36 year olds club in a month so you are not the only over 35s.