Shh! Don't tell anyone, but the whisky-sodden, foulmouthed, Silk Cut smoking, 30 something etc TTCers are hiding from babydust under a mound of wine bottles - come & join us!

[openerofjars]

And there we go...

Shiny, winy (but never whiny) new thread!

Come on in then, settle down and pass the gin. No baby dust, no huns and no fecking glue, just lethal combinations of dodgy duty free and the confidence to use the word PERIOD required.

glad to hear you are feeling 'on the mend' fish

I have taken up running and spinning classes in an attempt to lose a little weight so we'll see. Haven't managed to prise the wineglass from my hand quite yet but I think gin is the way forward.

However, the mummy inside me screaming to get out would say that you've had a stressful time and good food and wine were neccessary for the healing process so kindly let yourself off the hook please?

It's only our first anniversary hence the weekend away, after that I assume we will adopt the takeaway/wine approach!

Jars are you still en France mon petit chou-fleur????? Where's our bloody plonk?

Alright kids. What's new? Nothing dramatic to report from this neck of the womb woods. Been earnestly using my new piss pc, which is equally earnestly refusing to tell me that I've ovulated at all this month. Hmmm.

Still, have a couple of days off work now to go to another wedding, this time in Cyprus, so am off to catch a sleazyjet tomorrow arvo. Would be more excited if I hadn't just googled weather (Rain! In sodding Cyprus!)

Anyway, I'll bring you all back some ouzo to plug the gap until jars sorts us out with the vin.

The drinks are on me - my period has arrived! 4 weeks and 3 days post-ERPC. Never thought I'd say this but GET IN THERE YOU BEAUTY!!!

Um, I literally just got back from my hols and found out this evening that I have returned from France with a (hopefully) permanent souvenir.

There hasn't been time to tell DH yet and it's his birthday tomorrow, so I might have to wait until after the weekend, but can I please have a tiny little high five? I don't know if he'll be pleased or not, either, and we've been having massive problems for the last 3 weeks, so erk.

But there you have it, BFP, CD28. Huh.

And now you buggers are going to have to drink all the rosé I brought back. Arse.

Right, off to catch up...

Open, that is fanfuckingtastic!!!

I'll gladly take some of that vino off you and raise a glass to mini jars. I'll smoke 40-50 of your duty free fags in honour of your upduffedness also, only as a favour you understand. Terrible things.

Congrats x 55 million.

Sorry, should of mentioned I'm a name changer (not that you'd "know" me)

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

tiny little high five my arse! Am so so pleased for you jars

made up for you love, now come on pass me your rose!

fish YAY! so pleased you got your period, nice to know where you are.... now, you're supposed to be super fertile for the next few months so get going lovie!

jewels are you peeing into pot then dipping stick for 15 seconds? It's the piss machine law don't you know - are you going up to 2 bars or staying at 1?

The bitch got me this month on CD28 so am off to Edinburgh to drink faaaaar too many cocktails and shag mrwino in all the dirty ways not really condusive to getting preggers during fertile window time :) whooop!!!

Now, I know we're not supposed to do this either but I feel so happy!

Happy anniversary, now get that alcohol in and that man shagged. Give my love to Edinburgh: it is a fine city!

Have this bottle of very cheap French rosé, and this one, and a couple of bottles of something else. On the house.

DH very pleased, by the way. Phew.

Fish, good period news indeed.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! congratulations jars woooohooooo. Has it sunk in yet? Don't smug earnest fuckers normally say that to people? Oooh what you need is a holiday and to just reeelax?...

Here's to smuggery and earnestness...

Raises glass of Peptac (cheapo NHS fuckers)

Wahey! I'll high five you jars you little beauty! Congratulations! Brilliant! Exclamation marks!

Timely perioding there too fish - is it a good 'un?

wino yes, dipping the stick in the pee, had been getting lots of two bar action but no cigar. But took the thing away and after a couple of days i coaxed an eggy little symbol out of it. Hungoverly managed to lob two shots of the best mr j&b had to offer (one part spermatozoa to fourteen parts local lager) at it so we shall see. How about you? How was Edinburgh? Did you do good filth?

YEEESSSSSSS!!!! Well done jars! That's excellent news. I know we don't do baby glue here but I think I'll break the rules for once - here's a gallon jar of Araldite, tied with a bow and sprinkled with pretty pink and blue sparkles. (Feel free to retch.)

jewels, my period has been totally normal, slightly to my disappointment (had gone and got the super-duper Always with wings jobs, which now seem a waste of money!) Even a normal cycle of bang on 32 days.

Sooooo for this first month I and Dr F&D will mostly be just trying to shag every 3 days. I will leave the piss computer alone for a month or two. Barry White better suck a lozenge, he'll be doing a lot of singing over the next 30 days! :)

Aw, thanks, you bunch of hardened auld cynics, you.

I know what the secret is, now: you have to convince your boss to pay half your fees for an OU course that will end four months after your due date. Oops. Oh well. I have spoken to learner support at the OU and they said I'm not the first. Also, to get slightly pessimistic, if this blastocyst doesn't make it, I'd have quit the course for nothing.

Good luck, Fish: hope the shagging goes well (but don't overdo the Barry unless you want Mr Fish to develop an embarrassing Pavlovian response).

How was Edinburgh, Wino? Did you get out of the hotel?

Edinburgh was fab - ventured out of hotel long enough to do a sightseeing bus tour, wander aimlessly around HRH's old dingy and walk to the castle all in between pubs and drinking lots of mega cocktails.

N.B If anyone ever finds themselves in Edinburgh you must go to the Dome for cocktails and have a 'Gin Garden' It was the second best thing I had in my mouth while I was there

I love the Scottish accent, in fact everything I 'say' in my head is currently being 'said' in a deep Scottish accent :) I can't do it out loud, it's as bad as my pirate I'm afraid...

Off for my friends hen do tomorrow until Monday and then having my operation on Wednesday which rather annoyingly willl be right in the damn fertile window so no trying this month.

jars what a bastard, can't you do part of the course and then complete it at a later date? Now, no being pessamistic now, tsk tsk....

fish enjoy the sexytime!! Could you save the giant pantyliners to make a Mr Michelin costume or something in the future? :)

jewels yay to the eggy symbol, I used to get so excited when I saw that, would run in to DH and show him beaming with pride, and then jump him :) let's hope the sperm/lager ratio was just about right!

Right here is some prosecco to keep you going until i get back, will keep my fingers crossed for you all, have a good week m'ladies...

No no no - not a Michelin man. A giant patchwork pantyliner quilt, lovingly embroidered with green tampon twine. It could be a treasured heirloom, handed reverently down the f&j generations.

Helloooooo? Where is everyone? Don't make me have killed the thread with my flippant sanitary crafting suggestions...I take it back!

Fingers crossed for your op tomo wino

Hello jewels, I'm still here I like the idea of a quilt; at least it prevents this sort of thing happening (top picture): seehere.blogspot.com/2008/12/boys-will-be-boys.html

Good luck tomorrow wino.

hello my dears, just about survived the hen weekend, twas very messy - oh my god the weather was amazing! We hired a converted barn with massive gardens and a hot tub in Suffolk, sat on Saturday all day in the garden drinking Pimms and chatting in the sunshine! in October!!!! Brilliant! I even have sunburn :)

Ta for remembering my op, bit nervous if I'm completely honest, not had an op since I was a child, had a dream that I came round and they told me they had to remove my womb.... I know it's not going to happen but scared me a bit!

I have a fridge stocked full of malteasers and my sky planner is full to bursting with Silent Witness and other stuff DH won't watch so looking forward to a few days of vegging afterwards.

I dig the quilt idea jewels - inspired!

Right, off for a bath and a medicinal second glass of red

Aw c'mon, you lot can't all give up just when I've found this thread! I've only skim-read some bits as I'm meant to be working (ahem...) but I love the approach to life - and am in awe of how some of you have dealt with really shitty situations. Talking of which, Impatientwino, I really hope your operation went well yesterday and you are happily vegging on the sofa with MASSES of chocolates.

Not sure if you will let me join the gang though... I have to confess that I just can't do drinking at all, as I have some weird (allergy?) thing going so I throw up and get embarrassingly randy if I have more than one glass of wine. Time was when I'd ignore this and drink anyway but as things have a tendency to get messy , I'm a bit more careful these days

Anyway, obviously I'm on this board as I'm aiming for a baby but nothing doing at the moment as DH is away and just finishing a period anyway. How are the rest of you going??

Hi needinstructions, shame about that allergy. Can you drink spirits, or does all alcohol turn you into a scary person make you ill? I'm not really supposed to be here at all but I just popped in to see if Wino felt well enough for a Bloody Mary yet.

How do, lass Has the GA worn off yet?

Different drinks/different days - I can never predict exactly how I'll react so there's some fun in guessing how far to push it I'm used to it now anyway. The only time I really felt like I missed out was at my wedding, but then I was very pregnant at the time anyway.

Woohoo. Was also checking in for news of our wino but very happy to find a shiny newbie! Hello instructions. Hope you hang around - we've had lots of promising people show their face and then slink off again. Tell us about you. What is your favourite pie?

jars the very suggestion that your pregged status requires you to lurk is an outrage. You are one the venerable founding FMSCSWDHUTTCers. (Trips off the tongue, I think). Don't go anywhere.

I'm nursing both a BFN and the vague thought that it could have been a bit early to go weeing on things. But am also bit brown in the cm department (hi, instructions, I know we've known each other for about 30 seconds but let me tell you all about MY MUCUS), moody and PMS crampy so in reality I think we can conclude Cypriot-lager-jizz is not the way forward.

Still, had determinedly childfree evening last night (yoga class, falafel on southbank and culchered film at the BFI followed by drink with friends) so am reminding myself how much I like all that and that another month of that's ok.

I didnt slink off I am still here basking in the glory of my recent BFP
I suppose I actually dont really belong here anymore but I do keep popping on to see the updates.

I may be shiny and new here but, don't worry, I'm well used to all sorts of frank and manky talk about secretions from the other threads. And hey, it's educashional, don'tya know?!

Seriously, I had no idea about feeling up your cervix through the month and had only the faintest idea of how mucus (lovely word, although not as good as "moist" or "turgid", my all-time faves) changes. Didn't stop me getting knocked up with relative ease first couple of times round, but that was in my younger days (or "the olden days" as someone has recently described it)

icooksocks - saw you on the July thread, but congratulations again. So lovely to hear good news

Eh? When did that happen? Did I miss something? Last I heard, you had D&V! Well done and congratulations, both you and Mr Socks.

Now then, you know the routine: hand over any remaining fags and booze (put them on the table, next to the vodka fountain and the takeaway menus) and park yourself here with a ginger ale and a lolly.

Hello ladies, woahhhh so that's the most drugs I've done in years ;) yes please to the bloody mary...

Op went well, basically when they got going down there they found a shite load of infection all over my womb and really thickened lining (which is what they thought was a lump on the original xray)

So basically they have cut it all away and done a biopsy, given me a good rinse out and now I have a shiny clean womb.

In a weird sort of way I actually feel better it was more serious than they first thought? No wonder a baby didn't want to grow in there! They took loads of pictures and showed me a before and after pic so it all looks normal down there now.

Was very groggy and sore yesterday but feeling much better after a lot of sleep and pain killers so looking forward to lying in bed all day only moving for food and tea.

Thanks for checking in for me guys, luff you, here, I pinched you some strong stuff when the anaesthetist wasn't looking...

Oh the best bit was when I had a little freak out while they were wiring me up and putting the needle in my arm and my heart rate/pulse went a little mental he said 'oh you need a little of what I like to call my special gin and tonic' as he injected me with a little something and it was awesome! I might have to look him up...

Sorry to hear about your BFN jewels

jars please don't go anywhere, ever

needattention welcome, look forward to chatting when less under the influence

socks congrats on the BFP