Hello ladies, just dropping in, though will probably say too much, despite thinking I shouldn't start talking about this because right now I'm an emotional wreck - not much new there I'm afraid!
Yesterday I phoned my Doctor's surgery to see if she had any luck finding my test results, and the receptionist gave me the lab's number so I could chase it up myself. Eventually I got through to the right person who told me they had results from the January miscarriage - that they tested the placenta. I was so upset to think all this time there were test results, but they wouldn't give them to me - only the doctor. Apparently they were sent to the hospital, not the doctor's surgery. Then I was told that the June miscarriage pathology couldn't be completed because the contents were too old - the hospital hadn't prepared the stuff properly and it had broken down too much to be tested. But, my doctor had talked to them, and they were going to do "fish" testing - which can look for common abnormalities, but will not give us the whole picture. My Dr might have told me this, but didn't. Anyway, those results should be in by the end of the week, but I'm not holding my breath.
I called the doctor again today, and she told me the results from the placenta (in Jan) were no different to what I'd already been told:"products of conception".
But none of it seems all that important now, because when I was discussing all of this with my husband, and talking about seeing the Specialist fertility guy in the city, he said,"even more than before, I don't want to try for a baby". He obviously does not feel the loss like I do.
Lately our darling 3 year old has been hard work. He's been having a few tantrums, and not settling into bed at night. So it hasn't been easy. I suppose I've also started back at work and my little boy is now going to family daycare two days a week, so he's more tired than usual. But it is obvious to me that my DH isn't enjoying him. So when he said that tonight, I wasn't at all surprised, but still, I feel incredibly disappointed. As much as it hurts to say it, I think I just have to accept that I can't have another baby.
I wish I'd never had the original desire. It's just brought up so much hurt, with the losses. I feel that the only way to get over the losses is to have a baby, but I know I'm just going to have to find another way to work through the grief.
So, now I need to decide whether to cancel my appointment with the specialist. I have to give 48 hours notice so that I don't have to pay. I feel it will be a waste of time and money because I'm not going to ttc.
I think part of the problem is that I've spent about 2 years thinking, living, breathing ttc, so letting that go too will be really hard.
I'm not saying good-bye, because I want to keep up with what everyone is up to, but I think I have to give up ttc.