Relax and It'll Happen- at the BESH Spa

[starcuntmole]

Unwind and rest your weary wombles as we cater to your every relaxation need. If you've been getting stressed about failing to fertilise for what feels like five hundred years, and your follicles aren't getting any younger, we have the perfect combination of treatments to send you on your way uplifted, and updiffed.
Pampering experiences from head to toe, and all the bits in between, whose benefits stem from the combination of nature?s ingredients and our therapists? highly trained hands and tongues.
Feel the all over healing powers of touch, with one of our speciality Cuban massages (rum and cigarring compulsory) , indulge in a volcanic mud-cake wrap or lose yourself in our unique water experiences: gin jacuzzi, turkish delight baths, and enjoy the Sechseny pool staffed by our attentive in house swimmers. Finally treat yourself to a mani/pedi (polishes come in the full range of colours from Clearly Clear to Russet)

Complimentary bar.
Please note: Robes must be worn in all pubic areas.

A couple of friends (single girls) invited me out to a club last week. They're lovely girls, but for me, unless going clubbing is about staggering across teh dance floor clutching a pint and demanding someone take me home and shag them - well pfff, not for me. I got to a stage in life where I wanted to meet for coffee, or go to a museum or something - and I had to stop contact with one group because all they EVER wanted to do was go out and get smashed. And, allow me to adjust my judgey pants - the girl I got on best with used to leave her two under-10s at home whilst she did that. But... it gets worse! Her little boy was going through a sleep-walking phase and she lived on the 8th floor! :( My mum & my sister... gah. My mum has been a lot better behaved since I had the baby but still manages to piss me off by referring to "my little boy" - er, he's not YOURS, he's MINE! I've not spoken to my sister in over 4 years - I forget how long, but fine if it stays that way, for she is a poisonous witch.

Thanks boo.

PS boo You're already on the droid, I fear you've fooled the camping droid gods as they can't make you droid twice!

My droid is nearly gone - I have a nasty three days then it buggers off on the fourth day so that's not an issue - however the forecast of rain, rain and more rain is not such a thrilling prospect!

oh and fishslaps to anyone who doesn't adore the BESH. Proper ones :o

Apparently Boo we are officially "in drought". There's nothing like a statement of drought or a prediction of a barbecue summer to bring on record rainfall. Last time the Met Office forecast a barbecue summer and it was an utter washout, I actually emailed them and asked why the blazes they made seasonal predictions if the technology they used was not up to it? (disclaimer: I did not blame them for the weather!) Apparently I was not alone in doing so and they withdrew their seasonal forecasts. But not before they replied saying that they hadn't got it wrong at all, because the average summer temperature had been 0.4 degrees above the norm. What was I complaining about? They had got it right! I didn't let it lie, oh no, and emailed back saying 0.4 degrees above the seasonal norm was of little consolation when you had a relentless rain driven into your face by a ceaseless force 6 south westerly all summer long, after being told how likely it was we would be frolicking on the beach eating barbecue all summer. Wankers. They didn't reply to that one

Who wouldn't adore us Boo? BESH is best. Enjoy the rain camping love.

Alps sisters are the devils work.

:o :o :o Rie ( 3 grins because you made me laugh a lot )

Morning BESHies. This might be menkul-fuelling claptrap, but thought I would pass it on anyway www.boots.com/en/DuoFertility/?cm_mmc_o=HFzbkCjCWwclkwffwyCjCnxiDvvCjC%20C%22

Thank you Meds darling, but I'll give the shag dictator a little go first

What a fucking crock of shite. I am sooooo angry with myself for buying the Shag Dictator as it is. If I don't get pregnant, it will simply re-affirm the fact that my tubes are dusty, if I do get pregnant then I'll have to write a review on Amazon which says "OMG LOL! this reely works i got pregnt the 1 st time i used it omg lol so excited!!!!!111!".

Which clearly is fucking ridiculous. We all know that a stupid fucking machine isn't going to get us diffed, it's going to be having a man lying on top of us making children cry "mummy, why is that man doing push-ups on the lady?". :(

Oh and 505 quid? That'd buy a lot of REAL fertility drugs out there. Or a go on a younger, fitter model.

Jesus, I didn't see the price when I looked at the link! There really is an industry in fleecing women out of their cash, isn't there?

"Get pregnant within 12 months or your money back." At £505 it'd bloody better work!! Wow. "As effective as IVF." My goodness. I don't know how much a shag dictator costs - anything like as expensive?

My shag dictator was FREE Thanks to a gorgeous former BESH. Think they're about £99 but you can get them for less on amazon or ebay. Haven't bought any stix yet, but those are quite pricey too I think :( It had better bloody work, that's all I can say.

I'm a little bit about its claim that it is as good as IVF. Say you have ancient withered eggs? Twisty tubes? Dodgy spermz? Surely these things can't be resolved merely by timing ishoos?

I agree with m'dear, that there really is an industry of fleecing desperate women out of their cash.

Sorry Pone but am really sniggering at your sentence "OMG LOL! this reely works i got pregnt the 1 st time i used it omg lol so excited!!!!!111!".

I'm wondering what the cyborgs terminators machines would have to say about e.g., a woman who's had her tubes tied. Surely her wee would still have hormones and the machine would say "insert cock now".

Good point.

I wish there was a Home Spermz Counter as well.

There is, there is! I done seen it on Amazon when I ordered my Shag Dictator - although the reviews were quite varied. I told JB that if I wasn't pregnant in 3 months (2 cycles left) then he is going to the clinic to get his goods tested. Clinic test = 50 quid, amazon test = 20 quid. I'd rather spend the extra and get a nurse who can give him a hand.

at nurse giving JB a hand

Would just like to send luffs (and chinese burns) to you hilarious women. I very much love outragedonthebeachinagale and amazonianreviewer and have finally cracked a smile today. Thanks haglets

Have a lovely time camping boo I think you will have confused the fates and experience unseasonal sunshine!

aries Boots will want 20 quid for a pack of 20 stix for the Shag Dictator. You can get them for about 14 on the home health website. One tip, sometimes if you have a long cycle 10 stix are not enough. But the machine only works in multiples of ten. So it will ask you to continue until you have used 20. Pointless waste of money. Once it has detected ovulation LH surge with a little eggy picture, there is no further need to piss on sticks and you can put the dictator back in the cupboard until your next period. Ignore the stuff about stick having to be from the same pack. That is just to make you buy more packs.

That Duo thingy is ridiculous. I have seen that advertised before. It can't be as good as IVF. Stupid claim. It can't make spermz swim better, it can't make spermz more numerous. 40% of people having recourse to IVF is due to male factors. Duo machine will not help at all. Women with blocked/absent tubes will find it useless. Also, if you are not ovulating then a Duo doo-dah is clearly not going to get you diffed and will just provide further misery inducing proof on your status.

I did some work yesterday for the first time since 8th April! It wasn't too bad, quite an easy day really and I have two more days there next week. Am getting bored of Jezza and Homes under the Hammer now and the cash will be very handy.

I remember that "barbecue summer"! It was very shit indeed. Warmer rain was no consolation! I find that the school summer holidays is asking for rain. Then when its time to go back to school in september, the sun comes back out. Same most years in my experience! I like the fact that you decided to complain though!

So all that stuff about having to start fresh packs every cycle is bollocks then? Good, I hoped it would be. That's disgraceful actually - apart from forcing people to waste money, it's contributing to loads of unnecessary waste. Bastards.

Peeing on the stick was so funny this morning. I needed to loo at about 5am and made myself go back to sleep for fear of wasting concentrated urine. By 7.30 I was so desperate I peed all over my hands and had been dreaming of having a wee for two hours. I even dreamed I had a BFP and then in my dream I said to myself, don't be stupid: you're dreaming.

I have extra thousands of FB friends making baby related comments this evening :(

rie put a glass jar in the loo the night before so you can per at 4 and dunk later.

Good plan! And it will get to room temp then as well. Which is apparently Important. You won't get pregnant if your wee is body temperature when you dip a stick in it.

Rie Would you like to stay here and just talk about totty politics instead?

Can anyone explain (relatively succinctly as I have short attention span) how a shag dictator differs from normal OPKs? Am intererested.

I fell to sleep this afternoon. Clearly diffed and not a result of running in the evening and then not going to bed til two

Hope the family Boo had a wonderful home from home holiday and don't get toooooo wet this weekend.

Well done on the working malarky katquinn (am just going to do it myself)
and wishing you a very slow shift blueB where all the citizens are models of good behaviour.

Moley - shag dictator measures two hormoney things instead of one I think. This is how it knows and can give you warning before the OMG SHAG NOW days, thus improving chances of a pre-emptive shag resulting in a win.

Good work on the peeing on hands, Rie , nice to know I wasn't the only one doing that this morning

Re. Duo. Can I just say; FIVE HUNDRED SQUID??? Do you insert it instead of the dubious quality white goods? If the answer is no, then they are having a bloody laugh.