Relax and It'll Happen- at the BESH Spa

[starcuntmole]

Unwind and rest your weary wombles as we cater to your every relaxation need. If you've been getting stressed about failing to fertilise for what feels like five hundred years, and your follicles aren't getting any younger, we have the perfect combination of treatments to send you on your way uplifted, and updiffed.
Pampering experiences from head to toe, and all the bits in between, whose benefits stem from the combination of nature?s ingredients and our therapists? highly trained hands and tongues.
Feel the all over healing powers of touch, with one of our speciality Cuban massages (rum and cigarring compulsory) , indulge in a volcanic mud-cake wrap or lose yourself in our unique water experiences: gin jacuzzi, turkish delight baths, and enjoy the Sechseny pool staffed by our attentive in house swimmers. Finally treat yourself to a mani/pedi (polishes come in the full range of colours from Clearly Clear to Russet)

Complimentary bar.
Please note: Robes must be worn in all pubic areas.

I do like to hear tales of the founding hags, do feel there should be more unravelling of scrolls though.

kat what a year you've had, the next one had better be an improvement!

Am of esh meets too, was there cake?

Hello Bitey how are you? There wasn't cake but there was some wine, beer & tea! It was lovely.

Kat I read that thread too. What a bunch of arse. (Good responses from you Alps & Bloofer btw). Sorry you're having such a shitty shitty time.

Thank you!
I should stay away from other freds really! Droid is arriving tonight at least so well timed for next shagfest. Ceiling and landing are painted and curry and wine consumed. A good afternoon!

Speaking of ESH meets, I shall be in that there Wales in a couple of weeks if anyone fancies a meet. No, it's nowhere near public transport and no, it's nowhere near anything actually, well, fields aren't really landmarks as such are they?

Threads like that really annoy me and make me wonder on which enchanted planet are these mad bitches residing? "Stress" is a teflon womb, balancing a cheque book (an old-fashioned phrase), work problems, abusive relationships, illness, death & destruction. Some of the stuff I read on mn makes me think that I'm a freak because I'm not living in some magical bubble whereby I've got no responsibility in life whatsoever. You can track them in Relationships "My husband's always taken care of the money & nasty stuff like that, I haven't had sex since before we conceived and my world revolves around my PFB. AIBU to be surprised that it turns out he's sticking his purple thing in the secretary and it turns out the house is 100% in his name?". :( It frightens me that some people are so detached from the real world.

Oh I went to an ESH meet once, it was a very small one. I was in Newcastle for a weekend and cosmosis & carrots drove over from Yorkshire. We were all 6/7 months at the time and ordered cocktails to see if we could shock the staff. Not an eyelid blinked. Although cossie was talking very loudly about her leaky nips when the music stopped - cue interested/horrified looks from the male football-watching populus!

alps totally agree i read what some people post and wonder what planet they are living on.
Mystery droid vanished. Where is it? Am going to get pissed anyway as its my brothers' birthday so all having a lovely Sunday lunch made by my mum. And its the tennis final so i can watch the lovely rafa win (hopefully)

Does anyone else get a fabulously warm endorphin high that lasts for hours... when they... have a bloody brilliant meal? My DP is still looking at me oddly, and I have to admit, I'm happy in a way that I used to associate with gin...

I'm London-based, pony, of course. As life ceases to exist outside the M25 that's just as well, or I'd be dead.

Right, now let me have a go at this questionnaire thingummy (thanks for the link, BrownB).

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

Yes indeedy. Preferably as a warm up for lots of lovely lovely wine.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Shyte gold digger - not only do I earn more than hubby, I own our house. I have got it all wrong. This was illustrated when I watched a banker friend get screwed by his now thankfully ex wife for a large flat, maintenance and half his bonus for the next two years when she earns roughly as much as I do....

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use: a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

Foofoo only. There will be no praying and after a nasty set of medical investigations a few years ago that left me with a VERY surprised expression, my poopoo hole is most definitely exit only. I even considered having that tattood across my arse cheeks, just to make sure.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

AAAA. I then spend the rest of the day hunting down the posters taking option B and throwing babydust in their eyes before giving them a wedgie and running away.

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

I'm going for B but one of you is going to have to help me out with this droid thingy. I'm lost.

6. what colour are your walls?

Boring boring beige. I know, I know Frankly I am disappointed in myself.

7. Number of pets?

One. 36 year old male. Pale skinned. Leaves hair all over the bathroom. Purrs when stroked.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

Oh god oh god oh god. Do I have to? Ok. John Thaw. From his Morse/Kavanagh QC days (I was a teenager back then so really should have been having a crush on someone from New Kids on the Block or something). And I'm now married to a curmudgeonly tax lawyer, so I think it had a long-lasting effect.

9. Lesbian crush?

Scarlett Johansson. It's the lips. And the curves.

10. What are your views on camping?

Noooooooooooooooooooo. Holidays should involve more luxury than I have at home, not less! And flunkies. A holiday is not complete without large numbers of flunkies. Flunkies to bring me ice cold drinks by the pool. Flunkies to refresh towels and lovely fragrant mini-toiletries. Flunkies to massage me with scented oils. I think you get the gist.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?

i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
ii) Over 100 quid
iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

ii. I am generally quite good as resisting P'ing OAS until I really need to but I have an addiction to the CB smileyface OPKS and they add up if you need to use then for months on end. Although I really think the face should wink. It would be far more appropriate.

Yes Brownie I concur. The best meal I ever had was when we got engaged in a v posh place in that there London. Sometimes when I am sad I like to think about it & it cheers me up no end!

Euro good answers. Charlotte is v hot. But John Thaw - WTF?!

I know, I know.

You people did ask!

I have been to a wedding. Did any of you miss me? It was ok, but the highlight of the weekend was staying at MIL's - which meant I got a lie in with MrBoo because she was happy to get up at the crack of dawn with smallboo. Oh and Dr Who.

Euro 10/10 for BESHtionnaire. Yay for sexy Scarlett, and tsk at beige walls. I am sulking because you didn't notice that I pointed you in the right direction before Brownie did. I am also sulking because if I am noticing shit like that and getting huffy about it (even if it is in a pretendy way) then I am obviously expecting a visit from the rusty little fucker.

I need real gin, and I need it NOW!

Alps where in Wales dear one?

Apologies, MmeBoo. I was too busy grabbing at my innards and rolling around on the floor over the weekend due to AF's unwelcome visit that I wasn't paying full attention.

Don't pander to me Euro, I am being a Madame and deserve chastisement... :o

I'm sort of here- I have been to take that, and filled the last of the cubic centimetre in me that wasn't already alcohol sodden with booze. I need wringing out after the last week Am resolved to be all that is healthy and good from now on.

Have dull didn't try this month story as ov'd early and had the lack of foresight to piss off BBB, so he wouldn't Do It before I peed on stick and discovered imminent laying Would have been a rose wine dependant baybee anyway. Fail.

Welcome eurostar you seems jolly fine- I will make more conversation when I've dried out.

boo, I missed you. Here's some real virtual gin.

Coming in Cunty and Euro?

Sobriety starts tomorrow

Hello! I too am pissed

hello Euro My name is Aries, pleased to mett you. You seem OK to me too

Here's a question: say the Shag Dictator stays on 1 bar the whole time

Fuckitt WEEPS

and meet not mett.

Think I will go to bed. Am clearly crap.

Oh Rie please don't run away - come and join us in the bubbles (but don't wee in them :o )

I can't help you with shag dictator 'cos I don't have one, so I don't get the question. Soz.

Euro Droid comes from R2D2 which came from RTOD which came from Red tide of doom, coined by previous BESH. And I am truly sorry for the arrivals of yours. Please to join us in jacuzzi?

aries I thought the shag dictator would only give me 1 bar too, but by about day 6/7 it went to two bars then I got THREE BARS and a layingegg - I'm back to one bar/why bother? now. If say you do only get one bar the entire time then clearly the faults lie with i) the machine and ii) Mr. A.

I'm not getting in that pink water. :(

boo If you were to drive from your's to Aberystwyth, you'd turn left at the 86,635th sheep.

OI SCHLAGS, HOW ARE THE HANGOVERS???

Eurobird top notch inappropriate deceased crush and arse-tattoo combo there. Welcome and pliz accept this crate of gin.

Rie stoppit madam. Although snorted with laughter at the weeing in panic. The shag dictator might make you wait ages for 2 or 3 bars the first month. Mine went mental and gave me two bars afore the droid had truly buggered off, sending me into a total shagpanic. It then did not give me the coveted three bars until day 15 or 16 by which point I was convinced I was about to run out of peesticks and also convinced I was not actually ovulating at all. It is a right bastard like that but will come good in the end, honest.

Brownie I luff food more than I should. I long to be taken to the finest restaurants, cook haute cuisine, and to barbecue freshly landed feesh on a beach in Cornwall. I did manage to have a pizza last night but obviously this was not quite the same :(

Doesn't everyone in here have beige/magnolia walls? I thought that was standard. Oh and a crap pet of some sort.

Alps Pm me or msg me on facecrack, I like Wales :)

Brownie I luff food too much. Hence me giving up on 'The Big Fat List' Fred :(

I can't remember how I answered the walls q - there is some magnolia in this house but above picture rails in most rooms, landlord has good taste although we could do with redecorating as it's a bit shabby these days.