Relax and It'll Happen- at the BESH Spa

[starcuntmole]

Unwind and rest your weary wombles as we cater to your every relaxation need. If you've been getting stressed about failing to fertilise for what feels like five hundred years, and your follicles aren't getting any younger, we have the perfect combination of treatments to send you on your way uplifted, and updiffed.
Pampering experiences from head to toe, and all the bits in between, whose benefits stem from the combination of nature?s ingredients and our therapists? highly trained hands and tongues.
Feel the all over healing powers of touch, with one of our speciality Cuban massages (rum and cigarring compulsory) , indulge in a volcanic mud-cake wrap or lose yourself in our unique water experiences: gin jacuzzi, turkish delight baths, and enjoy the Sechseny pool staffed by our attentive in house swimmers. Finally treat yourself to a mani/pedi (polishes come in the full range of colours from Clearly Clear to Russet)

Complimentary bar.
Please note: Robes must be worn in all pubic areas.

I'm allllll drunk and shizzz. Just (as befitting drunk fashion) want to say how luffley yous all are, and how i've tried to write stuff in last couple of days but have had poorly child (and yet, those of you who partake, see how I have managed not to mention it on facecrack, it's almost as if it isn't a prerequisite to being a parent that you have to tell all the people you EVER MET that your child has a cold FFS) (and breathe) and as such have been thwarted a few times after half writing things. Fortunatley for you it was mostly boring crap, so not to worry.
Sending my most glorious and shiny love to you all (and Jeffrey Dean Morgan)
Shitfacedmole x

I am giddy with excitement - the shag dictator has give me 2 bars! PROOF I am fertile.

Hurrah for the bars Alps would do the nekkid dance but am refusing to get out of bed until I get a cup of tea made for me

I am on holiday for a week. Great great great. Going to Cornwall on Monday.

Mole how's your head?

Donkey wee?!

I'm all out of snake oil, it's donkey wee or gin. Your choice.

Fine. I'll take the ass urine. Never say I don't try things once....

Gin all the way for me please. But none for Starry I suspect :o

I am totally menkul. Think I am heading for a humungous strop if I don't get diffed this month. Have almost totally convinced myself already .

HOW'S THE HEAD CUNTY?????? I too am a leetle worse for wear, but it was bloody worth it.

Well done on the 2 bars Ski, now getting cracking.

Because I am a shining example of zen and calm and stuff. NOT. I have been the most screechy, sweary, short-fused harridan over the last few days. It's a bit early for menstrualness.

And me, Rie and me. I am quite fearful that, if I am not diffed, this might be just the way I am. Eek.

Pls to share imaginary symptoms Rie?

Me... increased pant snot last night, digging pain on one side of my womble that lasted a wee while and kept me awake - I was starting to have ectopic paranoia and then I fell asleep - all gone this morning and boobs mega tender. Don't bother to stare at my kidneys though - droid isn't due until a week on Monday.

Boo I am going to stare at your kidneys anyway

PISSEDHUNGOVERMOLE Pliz to accept this flagon of Resolve and a fried egg butty. Any regrettable texting done last night, hmm? I do love it when people do that. Except when it's me that's done it.

Sunny Have a fabulous week in Cornwall :)

Pone You know it will now stay at 2 bars for the best part of a week before giving you the precious third bar? That's what mine did the first month I used it. I nearly broke Mr Boots with pre-emptive shaggery.

We are cycle buddies this month then. I am on day 21 and think I ovulated on day 14.

I have no symptoms whatsoever. Sorry :(

Where is sunny going? Where is she going? Near me? Can I meet her? Because clearly she will have nothing to do on her holidays other than meet BESHes.

Oooh excited to have a cycle buddy for a change. What do we do? Does it involve tea and cake? :o I have a short cycle Rie so I oved on day 12 and droid is due on day 26. Currently on day 17.

I am planning a visit to your parts part of the world with tent and fam in tow over the summer, have been checking out some sites with coolcamping. Might make it a birthday thing.

Rie I'm going to St Ives. Is that near you? Would be 'mazin to meet you!

Boo I have not even ov'd yet & this morning I cried when reading an article in the newspaper. That's just the way I am. I fear I am always a little bit mental.

Where is that Mole?

I'm here Not actually rough from hangover but instead lack of sleep caring for sick child (note: still not mentioned on arsecrack- how does she do it?!) whilst That Man slept in for first time in 6 years til 11. Cheers mate. (no regrettable texting, thank Lyra, but some incredibly unfortunate Zumba demonstrations )

I got engaged in St Ives

ski get shagging, I'm tired so will just sit over here and watch sleep.

crazyladyboo feel free to menkal all over the place, the cleaners come in on Saturdays. How's that there rocketmum? Have you seen piccies of the sprocklet?

Sunneeeeeeeeeeee11@!@@!!!!!!11!!1!!!!111!1 I live dead near St Ives!!!!!

Am I being overkeen and needy?

Have sent you a similarly over-excited PM.

Ahem

Have sent you an equally overly excited PM back!!

As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with seven wives, each seven wives was barren and evil and dried-up.

Can I come too please? We can eat ice-cream and build sand castles.

JB just asked me "Just out of curiosity - how long have you been peeing in jars and storing them in the bathroom?" :( I explained that it was his fault due to there being no batteries in the house and me getting Day 1 at 10:30am on the shag dictator and there only being a 3 hour window. Ha! to not having the first wee before 7:30am! I do realise it makes me look a bit bonkers. Ho hum.

starcunt Do you know Lyra in real life? You know, is she really a person and not some mythical goddess on fb?

Does anyone have symptoms? I still haven't done the sechs and it's been nearly a month now I think. :( We were going to do it yesterday but I was actually asleep on the sofa when he woke me up to way "do you want sex?" - er no, I was asleep. 20 minutes later he woke me up to say "I'm taking the dogs out" - er so fucking what? Again, I was asleep. Woke up at 1am and realised he wasn't in bed. Baybee is sick so we appear to be on shifts and now he's in bed. Perhaps he could leave some white goods in a jar in the bathroom and I will apply them.

I have been stalking Sunny's photos. She has fabulous legs and teeth and gorgeous glossy hair .

Yes, she's lush isn't she Rie? :o

Alps If I ever come to your house and need a wee please can I do it in the garden? Think it might be safer...

Starry How is little star?

boo You're so woo that for your visit I'm run a ring of pepples in the garden and sprinkled them with fairy dust. You can wipe your arse on a dock leaf.

Oh dear Alps. Here's to collecting wee for posterity!

I often wonder how parents of small children manage to find the time and energy to go at it again. Here's another one to DP's who realise that the best time to get us is when we're awake...! They are all probably wishing for us to wake up to the fact that they DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHEN WE'RE OVULATING...! Or mine certainly was anyway.

My poor DP is a little frustrated right now as I've stopped letting him near me. I read on FF that "sex is not recommended for high risk pregnancies," and want to speak to my doctor before I ignore that little gem. Something about no penetration... or orgasms.

Anyhow.. I've taken 10 days off work as I was hoping rest and lack of work stress may help this one work out differently. I've also been taking aspirin (75mg) as my friend (who's a doctor) told me that it's a wonder drug and often it works and they don't know why... And it won't hurt. But if I were her patient, she wouldn't be telling me that until I'd had THREE fucking miscarriages! I am developing a firm hatred of all things medical.

Cunty - I love the idea of drunken Zumba demonstrations...!

Boo - fingers crossed for you this month. Do you have a shag dictator..?

Rie - fingers crossed for you too.

And Sunny - have a fab holiday and am super jealous of you getting to meet the fabulous Rie...

Am suffering from recurring problem where I prefer to read all things ESH on the Ipod cos it takes alot less than seventeen minutes to click on a new page, but then can't be arsed to type on it, cos it takes me so long, so keep reading, and then not writing. For this, I apologise, and bring doughnuts. (The good ones, with proper sugar on the outside, not white powder)

Also, sunnyD that were me on Fb, if you didn't realise only realised after I didn't actually say who I was.

chocolatefudgebrownie glad to hear that all systems go on the major relaxation programme- you are in the right place, our spa has just had a new wing built just for you to lie in, do nothing, and have much massage.
The idea of Zumba demo, more fun than the reality I fear. And probably less wobbly.

bootycall any more egg butties going?

ski you shagged yet?

boo fever now reduced, and contents of brain appears to be trying to leave through the nasal cavities, thanks for asking, but much better.

Hope cakes and kitkat doing ok, snogs and gropes to both.

Am off on short but incredibly glamorous holidays tomorrow. Won't say doing what as fear the wrath of ESH on my head. Suffice to say there is no droid imminant, so I will be safe in that department. I will not be able to even check in though (very backward 5* hotel ) so leave you with my humble adoration.