Whisky-drinking Silk-cut smoking foul-mouthed 30-something hitherto unsuccessful TTCer seeks like-minded companions. Babydusters need not apply.

[BlooferLady]

Now then you lot. I've got a 40 pack of menthol fags from my mate that just got back from Croatia, a slightly dusty bottle of Bison Grass vodka I'm not sure what to do with, and a carrier bag full of cheap eBay pregnancy tests.

Obviously it's a bit lonely in here at the moment so I'd be glad to see anyone, but please be assured that given I've been pissing on my own fingers trying to aim it onto the bloody eBay tests for a year now to no avail, those in the first month of trying for their fourth child might be met with a) a stony stare followed by b) convulsive bouts of weeping .

Disclaimer: you don't actually need to be a smoker. I'm not some kind of maniac.

It is annoying. It doesn't make it any better Loopy, but it isn't unusual for it to take a while once you're in your thirties. Soon, soon, I hope.

I do have some chocolate left - I even gace away a couple of eggs today, because I figured we'd never get through what was there. If only I'd known..

Bless you Loopy sounds like you were having one of 'those' days. I'm using a clearblue fertility monitor and POAS at least half the month is starting to piss me right off! You're right it is totally boring and dull.... Mainly it just makes me want to drink wine, well, more wine.

I have so many people on my facebook that seem to be totally defined by their kids now, these were outgoing confident lasses who could outdrink a rugby team and skin a man alive it the need arose. I also have 3 super breeding cousins all of a simliar age (32) who seem hell bent on re populating the earth as a team and despite their usual lovelyness ask me once a week if I'm pregnant yet.

Of course I want a baby more than anything but you're right Loopy it isn't the be all and end all and I want to quite frankly punch them in the collective nose.

Hope you are feeling better today, here have a tequila...

Hey ladies
loopy hope you're ok - this conception shiz is so depressing/frustrating. Am sure you've heard a million stories but I know a few mid/late thirties women who took a while but did conceive. Not really helpful I'm sure but am trying to give some positivity/hope in what must be v annoying/sad circumstances.

sherry can't believe you voluntarily gave chocolate away. That is altruism to the maximum.

And wino am with you on the irritation of other women and their fertility. Jammy gits.

All fairly boring chez Rara. Have caved in and bought pg test mainly because have completely fucked my head up and feel the need to have negative test before period turns up. So I don't end up crying into my tampon like an idiot.

If any of you would like to volunteer giving me a hard slap to the face and a stern 'stop being a twat' talking to I would very much appreciate it. I think 12m+ of mcs and trying to conceive have actually sent me fucking bonkers. On the one hand have convinced myself I am pregnant on the other hand I realise this is based on nothing other than hopeful desperation. Yet despite all previous evidence to the contrary, the hope remains.

As always may your wombs be welcoming and your eggs plentiful, punctual and fucking fertilised.

SLAPS MAMARARA HARD ON FACE, RUNS OUT

Thank you folic - splendid slap.
I cracked. I tested. I went for stupidly expensive CB digital. It said 'not pregnant'. I cried. However no sign of anything exciting on knicker watch so still randomly hoping.

What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. Me.
I've gone mental. I am ashamed.

I've also rudely only talked about myself. Shutting up now.

How are the rest of you ladies? Grasping onto sanity with white knuckles or on the bus to crazy town with me? There's plenty of room on board and a vending machine serving gin, vodka or GinVodka.

Oh bollocks rara what a load of shite that is, Especially as it was a CB digital, that's gotta smart.

Rest assured however, you're not mental and you shouldn't be ashamed, we're all just as crazy as you here.

I didn't ov this month so shagging has been in vain (but enjoyable so at least that's something) and also means that I can forget about the 2ww, get pissed this weekend and just wait for af to catch me and try again next month. Got my appointment through from hospital for 27th so not too long to wait....

My MIL and Mum keep telling me of stories where these women who didn't think they could conceive get their referrals to hospital and because they stop stressing about it happening naturally low and behold get pg just before they go.... what a load of shit!!!!!

Off up north to see old friends this weekend who have an annoying, constantly sulking, attention seeking 8 year old daughter so that should cheer me up because babies turn into them!

Have good weekends peeps and whatever you do, do it well, drunk or both...

p.s where the bloody hell are you jars

Hello all

Sorry to post again as don't want to be the annoying me, me, me twat. Oh I am already? Brilliant.
Briefly then, pissed on enough sticks and now have a firm line. Don't even have to squint and hold it up to the light or anything. Although have been having horrendous cramps for days so fear I am heading for yet another mc. Yay. Positivity in action. If you don't mind I shall lurk for a bit in between glaring at my knickers accusingly and swearing at my womb (management by fear works best I hope).

Have a nice weekend wino, drink wine, eat nice food and laugh at how awful pre pubescent girls are. Good luck for hospital appt.

Hope the rest of you are too busy shagging to post and you all spawn nicely.

GAAAAH.

Pish news mamarara. Bugger the 'spensive ones though. They are for the confirmation after using 6 cheapies. Let that be a lesson to you.

Now budge up...

What you drinking?

Totally weird, came to post and a post I had written this morning just posted itself.

Oooweeeooooo.

Wino We've all heard of 'those women'. They had almost given up all hope and were about leave husband to join a convent when low and behold a child was born unto them.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

Not shagging actually, my DH is kinda bugging me at the moment by being a mega lazy fucker and do sweet F.A. around the house, garden, bla bla bla so I feel like I'm just watching him getting fatter & lazier and what the fuck is that all about? I find it really unattractive (I don't care about the weight gain - I'm no oil painting - it's the "can't be arsed " attitude that annoys me) so definitely not shagging...

But I don't have any eggs anyway so what's the point?

Rara - that's crap

How's the rest of the gang? Where is Jars & anyone seen Tante recently???

And Chocs too, how are you luvie?

Right, just given myself A BIG FAT SLAP ROUND THE FACE.

My DH IS pissing me off atm BUT he is usually a lovely, wonderful man & I know I am lucky to have him in my life so I need to get a grip and remind myself that I'm not perfect. Honestly. I'm not. I mean, sometimes I pick my nose. Which is gross but somehow addictive. Ewwwwww.

So there, my big confession

I started reading the Bereavement threads which made me realise that I'm just being whiney & hormonal atm and I really don't have that much to complain about - maybe a good sign that I'm feeling hormonal?

Right off to make myself a

Ok, just stopped in for a quick lurk on friends pc and not sure if I'm right but I think what miss rara means is that she's preggers?!?! Is that right or have I misread what you wrote?

Am wanting to get excited for you but worried I have misread and don't want to be a twat!

loopy hope you are feeling better, don't beat yourself up too much, somedays men are just idiotic pricks. FACT

No no no, I think you are right wino!

It just the post is so understated I missed it...

CONGRATULATIONS RARA!

come back and confirm lady!

Yay thanks folic thanks wino - I am preggers! Though given previous track record not sure for how long. Was feeling horrendous a few days ago but apparently my internal monologue of vague uterine threats seem to be working so far.

Hope you had a nice weekend wino and you didn't have other people's fecundity forced down your throat.

And ditto comment on some days men are just idiotic pricks loopy - hope you're feeling better. I can swap a story if you want - when I had my last mc in Jan, I didn't get so much as a cuddle from the wife but was instead instructed to 'go outside and scratch the ground like a bear or whatever it is you need to do'. They are cocks by default sometimes.

Hope the rest of you lot are ok.

Phone being shite so reverting to telegram stop congratulations rara stop back at work tomorrow so may get to sneak onto a pc then stop

Also been on hols [smug]

Drunken mwah to all

Hi all,

The boss has gone home and I am alone in the office with just a PC and Mumsnet for company...

How are you all today? I am so sorry that I haven't been around much but I have been stalking lurking on here and trying to keep up to speed.

Loopy, mine is turning into a couch potato too: we eat the same things in largely similar portions but I run around like a headless bloody chicken while he sits on his bum on the frigging playstation and then wonders why he is getting fatter.

I pick my nose, too.

Today I am mostly madly symptom spotting: I am 10dpo and have:
sore and pointy nipples
nausea and hunger
funny mouth taste
sweaty pits that are defeating even the power of Mitchum 48 hour stuff
stomach cramps and constipation
jaggy fanny.

Please please please can I POAS tomorrow morning? Pleeeeeeeeeease?

Some fucker slap me, quick.

jars I am rubbish with all the dpo stuff - when is your period actually due? Don't test early though! That way lies madness and poverty - those bloody sticks are expensive. There I've said it - not that I follow my own advice! Have my ovaries crossed for you.

By the way what's a jaggy fanny?

Hope the rest of you are all well. I am lurking, I hope you don't mind. I'm not really confident enough to move on yet.

Jars wtf are you playing at, you doughnut?

On the other hand, hope all the symptoms point something good & happy - do try & refrain from testing yet though...

Rara yeah, stay a while, it's good to have the company :)

You may notice the hour...I received some shite news yesterday from my sister & it's basically rocked the family. I don't know what to do or how to support her in the long term but don't want to post a separate message in the legal bit yet (not that I have to at all but I think she will need some advice). We are a very close knit family as well so it's come as a major shock to everyone

Sorry not ready to put down details but just so you're aware that I'll be lurking but might not be posting...

Take care girls, in the meantime x

Damn, girl, that was some slap. Have you been working out?

I am so sorry to hear you've had bad news and I totally understand that you can't go into details. Keep lurking and we'll be thinking of you, and I hope you managed to get some sleep.

On a very different matter, BFN this morning, not surprisingly. Duh. But can I add nausea and sore armpits to my list?

Rara, I'm not due on until after the weekend...

Hi!!!!! Ohhhhhh what a long week! Phew, it's taken me this long to get on!

rara CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Yippee, stick in there with the positive thoughts/management by fear!! Am sure it will all be fine. Please don't leave...

loopy sorry for bad news, please don't go, lurk away and chat when you feel the need. :(

jars phew, thought you had fallen off the face of the earth! Last time I heard I don't think sore armpits are an acurate indication of early pregnancy so pull yourself together woman!!!!! Try not to test again until after Sunday at least? hmm?

Now, here, have a glass bucket of wine, sit down and chill.....

rara A jaggy fanny, hmmm can't quite explain it, who came up with it? Was it folic? Can't remember but basically it a fanny, that is, well, jaggy - we think it might signify pregnancy as folic reported a jaggy fanny shortly before discovering she was preggers!

I am on CD23 of anywhere between 27 and 33 days so fuck knows what's going on with me, didn't ov. this month I think BUT I have been imagining experiencing some odd stomach cramps the last few days...

Hope you all have jaggy fanny tastic weekends!

HEEEEEEEEEEY wino (as I sometimes greet DH)!

Glad to hear about your imaginary stomach cramps. I had them once and was all excited until I remembered that they kind of followed a curry...

Well, I googled "sore armpits early pregnancy". Like a fool.

I had to fight my way out of a thicket of huns and babes and am now all covered in bloody baby dust and glue and far too much knowledge of other people's children.

Note to self: NEVER go near nethuns again...

I'm all covered in xxxxxxxxs and lols and stuff. I'm going to have to break open the emergency Marlborough Lights and listen to Nick Cave for a week.

Jaggy fanny is a technical term coined by Folic, whom I now think is Scottish for using the word jaggy. I have also heard it described as "like that feeling you get when you haven't inserted a tampon properly lol hun hth xxx". Anyway, I have it.

I looked up "cervix pain" on a fertility website I frequent (www.earlypregnancysignsforcontrolfreakweirdoslikeme.com) and was faintly amused to see that a lot of the women surveyed had it on Day zero post-ovulation, which kind of makes me think: "Nah, you were just shagging too hard".