The fred where the BESH practise DIY. Scan the chart below. Customers are kindly requested to keep readers informed of relevant colour and consistency.

[Ariesgirl]

BESHityourself proudly presents...

The BESHtone colour matching system, for all your interior colourways

000 Clearest eggwhite
001 Watery white
002 All that jizz?
003 Cottage cheese
004 Cunt-ry cream
005 Hopeful Yellow
006 Hint of a Tint
007 Excessive Cigaring
008 Stretchy but streaky
009 Palest Pink
010 Implantation Imaginings?
011 Itty Bitty Brown
012 Brahn String
013 Ovaltine Ochre
014 Sludge Brown
015 Clotty Red
016 Purest Scarlet
017 Possibly Green*
018 Barely Black*
019 Sump Oil Surprise*
020 Nothing. Nadda. Where the fuck IS it?

*Available at specialist retailers

Well Cass had tantalised with her thread and then buggered off. Someone had to do it.

"Jizzmaica". Snort.

Or <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=messingaboutinboats.typepad.com/sailing/images/2008/01/07/ugly_fish.jpg&imgrefurl=messingaboutinboats.typepad.com/sailing/2008/01/fish-on-frida-1.html&usg=__c7Wf7hcTdLNPyAPpODKCagUjx7k=&h=341&w=460&sz=20&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=BqPF6eZWW_V_6M:&tbnh=137&tbnw=156&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dugly%2Bfish%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D618%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=103&vpy=115&dur=2035&hovh=193&hovw=261&tx=133&ty=124&ei=7LPATIuXDamG4gb4wLHKCw&oei=7LPATIuXDamG4gb4wLHKCw&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this?

Or <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=24.media.tumblr.com/awSGp620hjv7jn9pxglN4SE9o1_500.jpg&imgrefurl=scottfoley.net/post/77776680/blob-fish-yikes-does-this-remind-you-of-kilroy-or&usg=__AOueQ_Jcf1X8oddZ-tmHaQKaiyk=&h=285&w=430&sz=32&hl=en&start=0&zoom=1&tbnid=CfhqDEHY1MT36M:&tbnh=148&tbnw=224&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dugly%2Bfish%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D618%26tbs%3Disch:1&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=637&vpy=275&dur=96&hovh=183&hovw=276&tx=173&ty=76&ei=G7TATMq8NY-A4QaCu-jeCw&oei=G7TATMq8NY-A4QaCu-jeCw&esq=1&page=1&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:9,s:0" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this?

Or <a class="break-all" href="http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=www.randomfunnypicture.com/pictures/957One_Ugly_Fish.jpg&imgrefurl=www.wickedfunnypictures.com/Ugly_Fish_with_Teeth/&usg=___QpYri6cD7sPrkpOHX8hvDNrhrY=&h=339&w=495&sz=28&hl=en&start=36&zoom=1&tbnid=AQr8vOkfjDWZnM:&tbnh=149&tbnw=199&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dugly%2Bfish%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dsafari%26sa%3DN%26rls%3Den%26biw%3D1280%26bih%3D618%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C946&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=627&vpy=181&dur=193&hovh=186&hovw=271&tx=179&ty=104&ei=XbTATMVNyfrgBqiVmZMM&oei=SrTATMn_OYOC4QbE5tnkCw&esq=5&page=3&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:3,s:36&biw=1280&bih=618" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">this?

Lyra no likey that fishy. Was thinking of Malory Towers paddle brush .

Yay! Jizzmaica!

Oh thanks very much Rie [hhmm]. I have this for you.

Night :)

Bonne Nuit.

I didn't mean it. I was just searching for the ugliest fish on T'Interweb and I believe I succeeded.

No. You did.

You did, the blob fish was the worst. Mwah x

lyra IMO the problem with putting swordfish on the "banned" list for PESHes is that I think we need to perhaps take it with a pinch of salt (& lemon & coriander). How much swordfish would you need to eat to OD on mercury or kill your baybee? Would you need to eat it twice a day for a fortnight? Or, is one portion bi-monthly going to kill your baybee? IMO it's like banning alcohol because someone can't tell the difference between a glass of wine and a bottle of Tesco Value gin at 10am.

I remember Nigella writing a beautiful spontaneous job application to The Times I think it was. It read something along the lines of "because my dad is who is is and everyfink I can get an interview with anyone because of what I is." Needless to say, she did not receive a commission as a columnist and so intead turned to getting her baps out.

Aries I used to fancy Chris Packham too. I also lived on Shetland for a while and used to bunk off PE and go and sit on the beach watching the seals. :)

Are we going to add OMG I ATE A TUNA to the cake carrying list?

Didn't the Victorians practically used to spread mercury on their toast in the mornings? They had quite a lot of baybees.

Chris Packham has an annoying voice. I quite fancy that Michael Wood chap who does the history programmes though.

I was informed last night that my MIL requests a cake for her birthday. This is fine, except it has to feed about 50 people. I broke my hand-whisk making the extra-thick butter icing for my wedding cake earlier in the year and now I have to buy a new one, arse. At least this will provide WOOFLing distraction although I have not hit the loopy stage yet, that happens in about 3 days' time. You have been warned.

PS. I love the ugly feesh, especially the one that clearly needs a brace fitting.

wow to seal watching in shetland [henvy] I used to fancy Chris Packam when I was younger (weely wild show days) I think it was the lisp and the spikey hair.

i don't like sword fish anyway, its too meaty so no probs there then. The Tuna tasted weird last night but I think that was the lemon juice, was a bit bitter, or maybe my PESH senses could detect the mercury that would kill my baybee and was putting me off

rie twatdogs to droid, when will the bleepard realise it IS NOT WELCOME.

owl Should you get a bleed during laying will you be applying leeches to your foof? Btw - hahaha @ "I ate a tuna" - doesn't that fall in to the "never eat more than you can carry category" though?

Agreed rocket - it was the spikey bleached hair and his love for hanimals.

That depends on whether you are secretly Geoff Capes or not I think He probably eats tuna whole though.

Leeches are apparently quite useful but I'm not sure I'd want them inserted. They might get lost up there and never see daylight again.

Cocking hell, I am supposed to be working and I am faffing around as usual. This is not good.

still in Pjs here and posting on internet instead of doing my tax return.

Ponyhoof - anywhere you haven't lived? Please to provide a list of your previous habitations for my [henvy]?

She hasn't lived on Tristan da Cunha . Or Antarctica. I don't think anyway.

I actually dreamt about that blobfish last night. How utterly revolting. On the subject of fish I shall say one last thing. It's not the mercury that bothers me so much as the fact that tuna etc are endangered so that's why I don't eat them. And also longlining fishing methods kill huge numbers of seabirds when they bait the lines and trawling has such a bycatch issue for sharks and cetaceans. Actually that was two last things. I think if more people were aware of this, fewer would eat these fish perhaps.

I'll shut up now and get ready for my chiro. I think I ought to shave my legs which have been left fallow since the end of August. Three months of this treatment plus some reflexology will deffo get me diffed in January when we resume, non?

It was me who fancied the organically woven Y Fronts off Hugh FW I?m afraid ? I have frequent fantasies of us in the polytunnel writhing in the compost. I have to say the gorgeous baby he was toting last night was upsetting me a bit. I want one. I also fancy Cwis Packham. Especially in his SuperGeek outfit. I think there might be something wrong with me. I also like Nigella?s boobs, they are fascinating.

I couldn?t sing ?Perfect Day? I?m afraid, it sends me into hysterics of tears when I hear it as I am such a DWB (Double Wet Bastard). I?ll just sit there and listen to the rest of the angelic BESH choir.

I thought you said you had broke your hand Hoot making cake! Now that is one big fuck off cake.

Oh cracky neck ahoy Rie! I love the chiropractor.

PocketRocket I am still in dressing gown.

BB is it wrong to covet the poly tunnel rather than Hugh FW?

And yes, it's going to be one fuck-off massivehuge cake, I think. Or lots of smaller ones.

Ariel am totally with you on the fish problem. I loves the fish and the sea generally and am dismayed at the epic fuck-up that seems to be happening. As time goes on I am getting progressively more vegetarian and turning into a complete composting, self-sufficient potato growing organic hippy. Before you know it I'll have armpit hair down to my knees and a hat like Phil 'Arding off Time Team with things living in it.
And yes, you will deffo get diffed in Jan. If not before.

Owlie could you make one of those big cupcake pyramids that seem to be all the rage these days?

I'd love a poly tunnel but unfortunately depsite my small holding with goats and chickens and vegetable patch fantasies I appear to be shite at gardening. In my small garden I have tried my hand at courgettes (all died), runner beans (slugs ate) and tomatoes (forgot about and stems collapsed). I have a raspberry bush that produced a grand total of three raspberries this year and a blueberry bush that I think died but can't be sure in the undergrowth that is my garden. The weeds however rampage wilfully around the garden without any help from me. The lawn is constructed almost entirely of moss and dandelions apart from on the path where lovely green grass grows up through all the cracks.

Can the BESH instruct me in the ways of self sufficiency? I would so love to be a Felicity Kendal type swanning around in a big green fisherman sweater with my hair in a scarf with my little wee nose smudged artfully and delightfully with a little errant compost adding to the whole effect.

I am meant to be writing my self appraisal, hence fannying around on here.

I thought that was a rather good self-appraisal :D What, you mean they're not interested in your gardening skillz?

I've taught a few people the basics of growing veg. I usually start them with tomatoes and courgettes as they're the hardest things to kill and tend to crop the heaviest...

rhubarb is good, nobody can kill rhubarb :)

The cupcake idea is top; I might go for that. Then there isn't the risk that I drop the Uber-Cake on the way to their house, or, on the highly unlikely chance that I win this month, I will not be carrying a cake that is bigger than I can eat and thus risking the baybee*. Although having said that I am pretty darn good at eating cake.

*No chance. Zero. Zip. Not a hope in hell despite all the holidaySWI and eating of brazil nuts and folic acid and all the other absurd shit we all do.

I also killed the rhubarb that my sister gave to me that had been thriving in her garden. It is hopeless isn't it?

On the plus side if you get the goat and the chickens they will eat it all and you can blame it on them. [hgrin]

You might find it easier to control if you put the veg in trugs (big plastic tubs) right outside your back door. I tend to be better at remembering to water things when they're somewhere obvious.

You might just have rubbish soil, let's blame that instead.

Could actually be your soil lady Could be too acidic or sandy or clayey or all sorts of things. I would defo say yes its the soils fault. :o

still not dressed although have made delicious lunch. Even heavily diffed PESHes over in the Deli have done more chores than me today

Yes, it's the soil I say. The soil. Hopefully will move house in New Year so will give it another go then.

On the plus side both the cats, Mr G and the toddler are all alive still so I must be just about capable of nurture. Although ALL my tropical fish died horribly when I went on holiday once and the filter system broke down. Was vey, vey traumatic to come home to and still have nightmares about it occasionally.

Sprocket lunch is a chore, non? I've written a couple of emails and not done a fat lot else. Self appraisal remains resolutely untouched. Might have to wander down for lunch though now...

I have serious garden envy. The only thing I can't kill is Ivy, hence copious amounts of it draped over my balcony. Plus side of balcony is that I can fantasise about how great I would be at growing stuff if I had a garden

I loves the fishes too. I especially love deep fried squid with lemon and pepper