The fred where the BESH practise DIY. Scan the chart below. Customers are kindly requested to keep readers informed of relevant colour and consistency.

[Ariesgirl]

BESHityourself proudly presents...

The BESHtone colour matching system, for all your interior colourways

000 Clearest eggwhite
001 Watery white
002 All that jizz?
003 Cottage cheese
004 Cunt-ry cream
005 Hopeful Yellow
006 Hint of a Tint
007 Excessive Cigaring
008 Stretchy but streaky
009 Palest Pink
010 Implantation Imaginings?
011 Itty Bitty Brown
012 Brahn String
013 Ovaltine Ochre
014 Sludge Brown
015 Clotty Red
016 Purest Scarlet
017 Possibly Green*
018 Barely Black*
019 Sump Oil Surprise*
020 Nothing. Nadda. Where the fuck IS it?

*Available at specialist retailers

Well Cass had tantalised with her thread and then buggered off. Someone had to do it.

Sunny, white goods = spunk (aisle 6).

Hey moley, hope you have lovely holibobs - amaretto for me please.

Night all x

xpost occie! that wasn't very cryptic of me, was it!

Ah.... slow on the uptake and clearly looking a bit silly....I'm with you.

wasn't very cryptic of me either. Still can't remember how they ended up called that though.

SunnyD the lingo round here can take a bit of learning, mainly because things have gone through several stages of evolution to get to their names!

Luffly to see you my dear. I do wish I could help with the birthday wishes. Sounds like you have lots of lovely things planned though, for which I'm glad.

MountMe! Er. Sorry about that. Have some gin.

If it gives any comfort, I will be 40 next year and eventually managed to defy the Daily Heil not once, but twice. First time at 35 and again at 39. So there.

Gropes to HB, I'm sorry about your arse, would you like me to apply some soothing arnica cream?

Sorry I have not posted for ages, I am having brainfail and cannot keep up with you lot. I have probably missed loads of stuff. Oh oh, but have just remembered the twat BIL of Truffles, what a fucking horrible horrible twat. You have my sympathies. I have the SIL from hell who comes out with similarly shocking and tactless comments.

Bitchslaps, cream teas and pints of cider to you all.

Sorry, the 'So there' was aimed at the bastard Daily Heil. Not any of you lovely lot.

Polleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Visit more often. We miss you.

Aw rie you made me feel all warm and fuzzy. I'm sorry I've been so crap at posting. I do lurk and luffs y'all muchly, but I've been grumpy and mis with back problems. Also in de nile about impending due date and its closeness to Xmas and all the present buying and organising to do before then.

Anyway, back to much more interesting topic... How many DPO are you Rie? I had no symptoms other than temp changes and coffee suddenly tasted like washing up liquid.

Can't sleep... lurking... what do I see? I ain't 38 yet! No, I am 37 until a week on Friday, when I will be laughing bitterly at my Birthday Twin Lyra freaking out over turning a mere 35 when I will be 2 years away from an age I refuse to believe exists ( Pol, you should do the same - if we refuse to believe in it, it can't happen )

Crony Differs are the BESHT! Nurse, my commode! Oh... too late...

Luff you shlaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaags. Will try to sleep now.

rocket I would accept that "immaturity" comment with great pleasure. How dull must a 25 year old's life be that they chastise a 30-something? Dull dull dull!

lyra Yes but I was caught in middle-age Daily-Mail health-scare limbo. Diffed at 35 = all systems go, turned 12 weeks at aged 36 = massive chance of having a damaged baybee. My health providers couldn't answer me as to why I'd suddenly become high risk late-jan when early-jan everything had been "fine". Good luck with the party on Sunday - I wish you much strength.

Do not forget polly is ancient, but fanny is even ancienter and won at 39 and 42.

oh shes actually a very nice and funny 25 year old pony she was only joking. I was moaning about gussets and crotches at the time. :o

moley GU have single handedly cornered the market in ramekins and negated any sensible person ever having to buy one again. I salute them.

HB cut yourself some slack lady, you are the aceness. maybe stop worrying about TTC while you are finishing your big project? Sounds like worryng about both is becoming a BIt Too Much. yeah? gonna make somat of it?

Waves at pol sorry the back is playing up and you are feeling mis. re xmas pressie, the internet is your friend. I haven't done any actual physical xmas shopping for YEARS. You still need to nominate someone for me to send your book onto?

so is there going to be any POAS/WIAR action today?

oooh pony am glad you are abroad and therefore not the lady that gives me suspicious looks in the gym!

molette please can I have 1000 marlboro menthols and a barrel of tanqueray? Will love you long time....

Right you lot, someone find us a brolly and we can pretend we're in the Maldives.

Pols and Scorps and FetlocksAhoy hurrah for the ancient winning, I shall HTFU and return my nose to the coalface. We will all win at some point, oh yes indeed, and sod all the uber-fertile relatives/Daily Heil/FC clinics/crap GPs/etc etc. Poor Mr Shoes was also somewhat down last night, I suspect he still thinks it was his venerable aged white goods that caused the teflon incident although I have assured him this is unlikely.

Right; onwards and upwards :/

Moley hope you have a tip-top holiday :)

Well after watching my favourite Lezza programme last night I was all ready to do the sechs, however MrB has 'manflu' and wasn't in the mood. So my last ditch opportunity to have SFF which may really have been SWI even though we aren't really trying this month and all that has now passed. Sigh. Never mind. Will do more SFF as it is our first wedding anniversary the weekend after next.

Comforting self that there is a big party at the end of the month anyway at whcih I will be able to get hammered.

Then after that we shall see. I've been thinking that as the whole world is destined for bankruptcy and I may lose my job in March then at least I'll get to be a stay at home Mum with other broke Mums for company.

I might just WIAR anyway, so I can practice [hgrin]

Hopefully I can convince MrB and this self imposed 'not trying' can end.

I am 38 by the way and defeated the daily heil at 35 (despite the mc (which was my third)).

Morning. If I was tactless last night about age then I'm very sorry. It's because I'm 35 and suddenly panicked too. HB my love how are you this morning. Alps's words are true and wise.

Well now. I had my first proper TTC related meltdown last night at bed time. It was awful :(. MrA was truly bewildered. You know the way that men want to "solve" everything rather than just listen and stroke your hair. The conversation - if it can be called that - quickly moved onto that I should try and relax as I was probably a bit stressy to conceive anyway. Oh he didn't say it as meanly as that and it was quite concerned and loving, but obviously I took it badly and started howling. I don't cry much so it was a bit weird. This morning I look dreadful - all knackered and with puffy swollen eyes. My sister wants me to go to my mum and dad's so we can all be together with the Neph, but I can't face them being all coo-ey and joyful and proud. Proper cow, me.

Also I just went to the loo and there's blood. I'm hoping it's 010 as it's very bright red. But I'm not hoping much. Also it was a wicked lie about hot water bottles being ok because yesterday I read that direct heat can wreck implantation. I'm still a bit sicky too, but I have had only 5 hours tearful, snotty sleep. But also have crampy womble starting. I feel truly down and out.

I have booked a chiro appointment though. That's one thing.

There. That's me Will need the Chilean government to help me out soon.

I remember when I was 34 and we were discussing ttc. I was travelling to and from London a lot with my job at the time, and the one day the news all over the info screens everywhere at Euston related with glee the problems women have over 30 ttc because the evil bitches choose their careers over settling down early etc etc. I didn't even want a farking career really. It just took me 33 bloody years to find a man who didn't treat me like shite. And having about 10 billboards judging me for it was bloody horrible.

Oh Aries I know I'm not one of your bezzyBESHes but I am sending you lots of hugs anyway. I truly truly can empathize. I cried all the way back from Birmingham in the car one day because I was so convinced it was far too late for us. You will will will win a baybee. You will.

Thanks Boo. Don't say you're not a bezzy BESH. You are

Awww.. fanks.

Re. men wanting to solve everything. I have taken to telling MrB that I want him to listen and stroke my hair and nor provide solutions prior to meltdown (sometimes mid meltdown). Seems to work, and stops the 'Rabbit in the headlights' face too, as he now knows what.the.feck.to.do.

*not. tsk.

Hair strokes to Rie. Hope it is not full flow gubbins. But lots of snuggles anyway. It is horridness.

I've got 011 today, or Droid skids as I like to call it. So hopefully can get on with the trying again soon.

Alpine Pony very apt description of the stench emitting from a well spunked clunge (I hate that word but have pinched it from the Inbetweeners). Made me chortle in knowing fashion. Why does stale manfat smell so wrong?

Got exciting things to do today like get the car MOT'ed and arrange builders quotes for my tumbledown outside loo to be roofed so I can sell the bloody house. Oh and do some paid work. Boo.

Ackchewally I ahve inadverantly lied to you all. It took em 32 years to find a nice man. not 33.

Sorry, as you were [hgrin]

There are so many typos in my last post I am going to go away for the rest of the day as penance. See you all later.

Boo can I direct you to the methylated spirits and kerosene aisle? I will have a flaming molotov please [hsmile]

aries I am only on my first go at this updiffdness business so don't really know how you feel but do empathise cos after one cycle my head is all over the shop. It is a very strange roller coaster to be on.