Aaaah Autumn...BESH style. Join the MAD and may your loins be fruitful.

[Ariesgirl]

Aaaah Autumn...

Season of jizz and menkul WOOFLing,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing ovaries;
Conspiring with him how to SWI and bless
With baybees the hags that round the thatch eves drink gin run.

Join with us in making this MAD season very fruitful indeed.

Hello Choppsie, plz to submit questionnaire and then we will impart the required violence alcohol advice. Assuming that we are able of course.

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')
   Yes

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   DG ? he?s 3.5 years older and I manage his savings mwah hahaaha

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
   Its early day so going for c right now

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.
   I?ve been practicing my right hook

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.
   The evilest of all

6. what colour are your walls?
   That oh so popular ?renters magnolia?

7. Number of pets?
   One on the way (hopefully should bring our new puppy home in early December),

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Ian Hislop

9. Lesbian crush?
   Erm, can I come back to that one

10. What are your views on camping?
    It was ok in my 20s, now I prefer 5* pref with hot tub and Michelin star

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

An embarrassingly large amount considering the relatively early stage in PO (Project Offspring)

do i pass, do i?

ANSWER THE LESBIAN QUESTION!

Sounding like you will fit in around here Chops. Plz to provide more info on puppy?

nope, no pass til you choose a lesbian pash.

but welcome anyway chopsuey what is the question?

Well at risk of changing my mind later I think I'll say Sarah Millican. I like funny

welcome heyheywe'rethemonkees. What can we advise you on? Apart from lesbian crushes....

HB that's rubbish :( Hope your efficientness is getting results with whoever needs to sort things out, but make sure you take time to look after yourself too.

And salts the droid is always evil, but this time sounds particularly so. Have some gin.

I love it when Arial gets all dominatrixxy... she is now my lesbian crush of choice

Chopsticks you have clearly done your homework, which is to be commended, so you will know already we are bitter and twisty on account of having been ttc since time immortal. If you think you can cope, then post away... you'll be on blackberry-washing duty for the first week, obviously, as the noob, but we're not a bad bunch once you get used to the lesbierotiviolence

Damnit, I pop out for 5 minutes and you lot fill pages and pages with waffle. I'm supposed to be packing. Instead I am stressing about the sodding cbfm of evil which gave me two bars this morning - why? why? it's far too early for that sort of thing, it's only day 9. We are actually going to have to shag in the bogs at Gatwick.

Mememememememe (sorry). And BREATHE.

HB the utter, utter, utter bastards, I hope karma catches up with them and gives them amoebic dysentry or something equally unpleasant.

Welcome lambchops , glad to hear your walls are the standard colour

Boo :( Hope the job situation works out - it's horrible having to make choices like that so I am wishing a large lottery win in your general direction :)

Occeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! How are you?

By the way, I think we can safely assume that Cap'n Jack is clearly not dead and therefore can be easily installed in our hayloft besides Lucas and Byron, giving us the choice if necessary. Bagsy first, after I've done with Lucas OBV. That way I can take full advantage of my bellowing eggs, and ensure a diffment. Can you imagine if Baybee becomes a spy or a pirate? Do you think MrA would suspect?

pollyutthekettleon for fear of being outed before I begin I'm nervous to say because they are not mahoosively common in the UK. However, I'll provide a clue. They have long legs and if anything like me could be partial to a chianti and a nice plate of spaghetti and meatballs

oh dear, already officially Too Slow At Tying.

here's my question...

so it?s Friday and Friday is Wine Night and being an ESH I want my regular bottle of red wine a sociable glass of red. However droid, who appears to show up when it fecking likes, has not appeared. POAS you shout, well I did but three, count em, three sticks including a digital one has said NO WIN. My obsessive calendar management tells be I?m CD 36, 16 DPO (based on OPK) and 18 days since SWI.

If you were in my situation would you drink probably a bit too much wine?

Do I sound like I carried a cake? - I stalk cast my eye over PESH chat too. (Sad loner emoticon)

God I've become neurotic.

Typing.

fucksticks

Oh just drink wine monkee you cake-carryer . Lots of BESHes have had stupendous wins after nights of sickening debauchery mostly with me.

Just about to go hunt for a silver bangle...

Thanks for your combined curses on the miscreants. May their stomach ulcers trouble them even unto the gracve.

This is BESHland. The answer is always drink.

Hope that helps

Monkee drink the wine, as fabled ESH Cunty once told us (and I believe her), if you are diffed, it will be burrowing into your joe mangel and not yet connected to your blood supply. So go for it.

I think I know exactly the type of pup you mean and I love them! Plz to post pictures when you get him/her?

Hello Baboon I say drink (in true Father Jack style)! 3 being the magic number and all.

Salty My powers of empathy have resulted in my own personal droid arriving way before I was expecting it FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

I am so sorry to hear about your parent's house HB, and ladyG my jaw actually dropped when I read that about your dad - What scum.

Thanks headbanger

I hope the bangle (and all the other stuff) turns up. People like that are real shitbags and I add my curse to their Alimentary Canal troubles.

Dear Aries and scorps please can you not turn up in my dreams? It was disturbing to say the least, especially when scorps was making me crawl under her neighbours fence and move the boundary line.

Welcome MonkeyBollocks. Have some absinthe and a lie down on the opium couch. You could have a go on Cap'n Jack if you like, but I fear his cock has been whittled down to the size of a pencil after the Pirate thread.

Hello Monkee, I would drink if twas me. you've done the responsible thing and pee'd on sticks aplenty. Don't go on a total bender and be sick or anything just in case but am sure wine night will be fine.

Is your doggie of whippet-like body?

Rie TCOYF says you normally ov about a day or two after the last day of pant snot (peak day). Sounds like you did it just right my dear. I am slightly concerned cos temps haven't risen yet which might mean I ov today and didn't have the secks today or yesterday. Hopefully swimmers will be resting nicely waiting to pounce. I won last time based on SWI two days before ov so hopefully ok.

DRINK! The answer is always to DRINK the wine. Oh yes.

I shared half a bottle with a friend a few days after getting my win. DRINK!

Thanks GeeGee. I will probably have a ago this afternoon too! Because (TMI coming up, but I don't care) I now have some very stretchy jelly-y translucent stuff. Where's Pol? I need her FFJ expertise. Though I think there are some pictures of various types of FFJ in the middle pages of TCOYF

In your dreams you say BB? Hmmm. Does that mean you fancy us?

I really want a drink now.

Monkey are those the romantic, shaggy dogs with beards (which would be very impractical with spaghetti sauce)?

Aries quick, go have a roll in the hayloft!