Avast Behind! Full of salty seamen and buxom lasses, the Gin Palais is heading off in search of Pirate Booty! For those brave BESHly wenches in their 30’s, TTC since the Black Death.

[BarbiesBeaver]

Ahoy Gin Hags, behold the Hendrick?s Palais, the finest sea goin? vessel that ever left these God forsaken shores. Packed with comely wenches and salty seamen, I be lookin? for a BESHly crew to travel the seas in search of booty. Land lubbers lackin? a twisted disposition need not apply.

Let me shiver yer minges with tales of the fearsome Droid Monster, who raises his bloody head each month, and the dreaded 2WOOFL, where the vaguest signs can be espied from the top o? the Crow?s Nest.

Get ye to the Brig, yer scurvy dogs, where Roger the Cabin Boy will see to yer needs, or apply the Cat O? Nine tails to yer britches if ye should mutter the oaths of Babydust.

Drink up me hearties, yo ho(es).

Yo,ho's. Sorry I'm late. Am back after rather disastrous attempt at circumnavigating the globe to get in the mood for noo fred, which instead resulted in me mostly just circumnavigating the Isle of Wight til I got quite dizzy. Have bought you back some of this fine wine, however... (answers on a postcard)
Apologies for seemingly delurking and then relurkifying again- had minor panic attack at large amount of revelatory details included about self, and lost my footing for a while.
Am certain that in light of the legend-wait for it-ary news from laurieloob and greenexplosives Wooo-hooo!!! (beyond chuffed for you both) that all other Beshes will be encouraging my absence as a lucky talisman! (in my defence I was all present and correct when scorps hit the jackpot, so am not entirely the Black spot of the good ship BESH)
To those who are new, am too new to say welcome, but agingfairy's minibio idea gives me an excuse to reintroduce myself.

starnosemole (it's real, look it up) (it's really really ugly) 35 1/2, dd aged 2, took 5 years to win, after ectopic rendered me a unitube, (technically fail BESH test there, as obviously did start trying in me 20s, but here have this triple sec and triple gin cocktail, and pretend you never noticed)now been trying for #2 since jan, thwarted by bf hormones so stopped in May, diffed June, mc in august.

Sorry for droids, and fuckwittery droids and crap FC news BB- Nipple twists and chinese burns to all who need distractions.

PS Thanks for making me feel wanted, you know who you are. New BESH crush in full swing. What do you mean I'm easy? You just hold my top here and I'll show you how easy I am.

welcome bitey "practice' is an excellent name for a cat.

(starnose love the HIMYM ref you slipped in there)

rocketleaf aka saladbomb, 38 3/4 off contraception for 3 years but properly TTC since Jan 10. Referred to FC in April and discovered TB (The Boy) had fridge isshos. Recent text book BESH win by conceiving the very day was told to go straight to IVF (do not pass IUI, do not collect clomid) although slightly unconventional as have never received dildocam. Had GP appointment today to get booked in with Midwife about an hour before we would have been getting our referral for IVF.

Phoned the FC to cancel our appointment yesterday and asked for TB's results to be posted to us, was told "oh we don't normally do that as you wouldn't understand them, and you will probably have to pay, but I'm sure DR T*** would like to write you a letter of congratulations so I will ask him to tell you if they were normal"

*I replied as I had had no trouble understanding his first test results which our GP had posted to us without charge I thought I might be able to figure them out and would she at least ask. Slight exaggeration as I had to ask you lot be still. Cheek.

isshos? wtf are isshos? Do you think I might have meant ishoos?

Keep them coming, keep them coming Starry good to have you back, old bean. Welcome catwoman. I too have a cat. She is up for adoption after an obscenely expensive to the vets this morning. Does she think I'm made of bloody money ?

Just so when I drop in all the new folk know who I am:

Muser, BESHbaby at 31 and a bit. Started TTC in October last year. Has two ickle angel baybees. Including one who did the Wayne&Waynetta "I am aving a faaag' and decided the ovary was a good place to sit. Finally missed a period and won a proper baybee thanks to the Mass Summer Diffment Programme.

Hello Hello - sorry been away doing busy type stuff.

Lots to catch up on.

Concert Aries? Do you sing? I do, am in a choir (a funky one not choral one). Was in a band when I was younger and cooler.

Welcome bitey, I'm a noobie too :)

Laurie Don't worry about not liking the kid next door. Other people's kids are annoying. Unlike your own who will be perfect.

Am so sorry to hear your news BB sending good vibes for the next stages.

So, roll call then, Princessboo TTC number 2 since January, number 1 son born January 2008, after one mc (have had 3 mcs altogether in my life so think maybe my womb can't hold on to them baybees very well).Am sometimes too knackered from toddler wrangling to do the deed at the right time. Which isn't helping either. Oh I'm 38. I'm a Leo. And I have huge norks

MrsFC here, the FC stands for Fat Controller, who is a bit bossy and a bit podgy and won't marry me... I have one boy child aged 7 from an ex husband, and was TTC with the FC for 14 months with two very early mc's along the way. Now at 23 weeks with another boy and resigned ( happily) to a hallway full of trainers and no one to practice make up on. 40 in Nov, and will be celebrating by watching my friends drink mulled wine...

I love being an ESH, it's the nearest Ive been to belonging to a sorority...

MrBitey Nice introduction and I for one am about your campervan. I read a book when I was 18 (Susan Griffiths' Work your way around the world) which told of a street in Amsterdam where you could buy a VW campervan for peanuts. n.b., I now live in Holland and still don't have my campervan.

Traditionally dans le palais we find a slightly derogatory term to describe our sperm donors loved ones. E.g., mine is jailbait due to the fact he's just done his GCSEs and probably wants a computer game for Xmas.

starnose Well you may have started TTC in your 20s but I think you'll find the Daily Mail hates you anyway due to your failure to conceive. It is your fault you know. You WOMAN!

I am AlpinePony and I helped lay the foundation bricks of the Palace. I am 36 and now have a real life baybee named Bear who was delivered when I sneezed and he landed in a pile of fluffy white towels smelling of Burt's Bees. It took me a year to win my baybee - I had at least one ikkle angel baybee. Then I decided I was Barren4Evah [tm], decided to do a ODE with my hoss, move from a 2 bed house in to a 1 bed apartment and take an aspirin a day as decreed by cunty*. Exactly 2 weeks after moving in to the aforementioned small flat it became unecessary for me to biro in a line on my piss stick. Tomorrow I will be going to the ODE on foot carrying my baybee in a harness. I will be TTC again in December as I've had to give my crappy oven 6 months to seal itself following my sneeze.

*Less "bricks", more discarded gin bottles...

Ah, a chance to explain my presence:

CurlyCasper, 31 and 3/4, but with the body of a 90 year old. Jizz donated by SFF, the Sexy Fire Fighter husband. Joined the Palace in summer 2009 when I was withdrawing from various (prescribed) drucks including the evil methotrexate before my body would be allowed to host a baybee. Met a fellow BESH* in the flesh on my LMP date and found out I was diffed on Armistice Day 2009. One of the Halloween Four, whose baybees were due four days in a row, but born over five weeks. Now mum to 14-week-old Squeaker/MiniGhost who jumped the queue by arriving a month early. Just like in real life, I want to hang with the cool kids, so keep a seat warm in la Palais when I can. No plans to try again...yet!

I met the same BESH in the flesh again the day before scorpette tested and won. There might be something in this...

Polly I am well impressed with you being diffed at 82.

Casserole, 32, 13wks diffribulated with ministewthe2nd after 14 months of crap ttc sex trying.

I like roll calls. I might have to copy and paste everyone's into a document on my lappi so I can actually remember where everyone's at...

Ooh this is interesting

I am Cincotart and I have yet to win my baybee despite 18 months of relentless trying. Mr T did have some lazy can't be arsed spermz ishoos but they seem to have seen sense and started swimming....however they have yet to do the decent thing and fertilise any of my eggs. I've had more dildocams than I care to remember (even have a favourite dildocam woman), a lap and dye and loads of hormone tests. Docs say (hint of non-belief) there is nowt wrong with me so although hasn't actually been said think we have gone from male factor to unexplained infertility. Currently on 2WOOFL for my 3rd IUI and have just received referral forms for the one and only IVF cycle we'll get. The BESHes let me stay a little while ago despite my dislike of gin, occasional camping trips and crap grammar . I heart them all. Oh and I'm 34 and a 1/4.

Have just had a night being tormented by dreams of friends announcing pregnancies...oh wait no part of that wasn't a dream. Surprise 'weren't really trying' announcement yesterday, sweet because there is a girls night tomorrow and she has been trying to see me for weeks as (although didn't say this) wanted to let me know in private, not in front of everyone. I'm very happy for them as they're a great couple and grateful for thoughtfulness (although hate that it's like this, as though I'm a special case) but didn't stop me bursting into tears as soon as phone went down and stamping my feet in a 2 year old tantrum stylee wailing 'when is it going to be my turn?'. Hence nightmarish dreams. That also included my FC nurse saying I should test as I would know now....way to early for POAS nonsense evil bitch. (Not really, she's lovely in RL).

Welcome bitey and welcome back starrystarrynight. Must rush so will get propertly acquainted another time.

Sindy Thinking of you lovely x

"Weren't really trying" is possibly the most pathetic sentence in the history of this planet. It's also fucking insulting. You're either having unprotected sex or you're not. Anyone who uses that phrase needs a good kick in the cunt. Stupid twats. Saying that you "weren't really trying" is a kick in the teeth and it makes it sound like those of us who struggle to conceive weren't trying hard enough. We didn't drop the butterdish. Damn the dead cancer victims - they jsut didn't try hard enough to beat it.

Oooh, I lurve roll calls. Aren't you clever, airynothings?

PerfectDromedary (aka idealcamel, having flounced and therefore initial mumsnet name privileges removed). 33 years old, married to TNB (The Nice Banker, whose job is a source of constant guilt to my left-wing feminist principles). Diagnosed at the beginning of this year with wonky hormones and dodgy tubes (me) and non-existent swimmers (him) and sent straight to IVF. After intensive amounts of woo (acupuncture and unproven herbs), we were about to start our first cycle when I was sent away for being Too Fat to have a baby. Luckily, that was also the month we conceived our MiracleBaby(tm).

Now 19 weeks and much fatter than when I started.

Whoop!

Welcome back noseymole and welcome MrBitey - excellent name, I used to have a pet fish called Mr Furious.

Owlshoes; 34, married to the venerable and ancient Mr Shoes, relative noob as only been trying for 6 months but have had teflon womble incident following honeymoon and am thus massively embittered and ready with the gaffer tape for next time around. Have actually wanted a baybee since I was 29 but realised I had the wrong husband which obviously took some sorting out.

Am v.pleased with the high incidence of FC-FU baybee wins in here. Tis marvellous.

There there, AlpineFreshness , we all know that 'weren't really trying' actually means 'she was really trying but in order not to put the frighteners up him hadn't actually let him know about the vast pee-stick collection, cbfm etc.'

Morning everyone and thank you for your welcoming messages. Stuff I forgot to say is that I'm thirty one and a half, never been diffed but never had unprotected shaggings either. Married fairly recently FDH (foot dragging husband took ten years to propose)and only started trying to grow babies last month. Currently eating chocolate for breakfast due to droidage and having to take poor kitten to vet for the snip. FDH too busy wincing in sympathy to help me get in the cat box.

Also, Poll , excellent work on the nork photography You are my favourite sort of menkul.

PS. Despite several scans, I have never had the joy of dildocam but I am graciously allowing BB to have my share of that (for a small fee)

mmmorning all. is it wrong that when I got a smiley face on cb digimagic stick yest was almost as happy as when i won? perhaps i shall just keep the smiley stick as a baby? i've heard they don't have terrible twos, or get you up five times a night until they're one either. i shall call him smiley and he shall be my smiley stick. Readers, I SWI'd him- first time since mc. Oooh am all of a dither, may need bringing down with one of these cats of which you speak- i presume they're the ones with the nine tails?

Thinking of BarbieQueue this am, glad you've lovely man, least you deserve.

haha owl - there could well be something in that! Like polly's SIL who started the TTC journey without informing her husband. Sorry to rant - I just don't have much time for such deceitful persons.

n.b., not polly*'s husband - that would be even stranger.

I Love the name MrBitey. Tis an awesome name for a kitty.

I like the roll call but how the fuck did Poo get to be 28 weeks already?

BarbiesBeaver (nee Stinky): 34 and a half, TTC since May 2008. Dildocam whore, and Clmoid guzzler. Got pregnant on fourth go Clomid but the bastard decided it couldn't be bothered to hang around in my Lidl carrier bag womb (discovered at 12 week scan). Had first IUI attempt earlier this month but abadoned due to ovaries being mummified. Recent test to check ovarian reserve came out as "very low" so currently looking into options such as IVF and donor eggs and taking DHEA supplements. Barren 99%, Evil 72%, Selfish 52%, Hag 100%.

I do like "FDH"!

Pissed off. Doctors surgery sent me an invite this morning for my flu jab because, Congratulations, you're pregnant. Fucking c*nts. Not like it only happened yesterday.

Enjoying the roll call by the way. Mine was ultra short. To add, MiniG was conceived with my ex, yes accidentally. One time, fuck it shag only on cd8 (on a 34 day cycle), total fluke. Anyway, me and ex went our seperate ways when MiniG still a baby. Then got back together with MrG who was my childhood sweetheart (well not really childhood - went out from 18-22). He is lurvely and great with MiniG so baybee will be his first.

That is all.

Holy fucking christ, gaga please if you can bring yourself to, ring them up and give them a bollocking. Or get Mr G to. Insensitive useless muppets.

I think your return to first love story is very romantic fyi

Oh Gaga :(.Bastard doctors, it seems they always do this. Is there anyone who has had an M/C who hasn't then received something horribly upsetting from their GP? I truly doubt it.

Favourite quotes from rollcall so far, in no particular order:

"the photographing of the buzzwams episode (wanted to monitor changes during cycle... didn't work)".

"Damn the dead cancer victims - they just didn't try hard enough to beat it".

"Have actually wanted a baybee since I was 29 but realised I had the wrong husband which obviously took some sorting out".

"I shall call him smiley and he shall be my smiley stick".

:o Lovely, clever, funny ESHes.

lyra have been meaning to ask you if you ever found out if you could use the facility nearer me instead of yours? Or is the private one the only other option?