Avast Behind! Full of salty seamen and buxom lasses, the Gin Palais is heading off in search of Pirate Booty! For those brave BESHly wenches in their 30’s, TTC since the Black Death.

[BarbiesBeaver]

Ahoy Gin Hags, behold the Hendrick?s Palais, the finest sea goin? vessel that ever left these God forsaken shores. Packed with comely wenches and salty seamen, I be lookin? for a BESHly crew to travel the seas in search of booty. Land lubbers lackin? a twisted disposition need not apply.

Let me shiver yer minges with tales of the fearsome Droid Monster, who raises his bloody head each month, and the dreaded 2WOOFL, where the vaguest signs can be espied from the top o? the Crow?s Nest.

Get ye to the Brig, yer scurvy dogs, where Roger the Cabin Boy will see to yer needs, or apply the Cat O? Nine tails to yer britches if ye should mutter the oaths of Babydust.

Drink up me hearties, yo ho(es).

aye up BESHes, bit stressed in the saladbowl this evening, can I get in on some of that boob flashing, need distracting!

chocolatetruffle loads of luck with the charting, I swears by it i do.

shoooooos bad news re the bleeping fecker, sounds like a bit of a weird one tho? bastard.

Am totally with you on the excellent hubby thing. I'd defintely rather have elderly Mr Shoes and no baybee than a baybee and no Mr Shoes.

roquette yes; the fecking devious fecker. I have a nasty sneaking suspicion it may have been a chemical pregnancy as I never normally get ovaltine and felt really weird for the last week - bugger.

Cass my dad is a beekeeper. Tis most excellent but does piss off the neighbours when the bees decide to go off on a wander (i.e. swarm).

Barbie That's crappy news and a shock. I would however go down the private IVF (ICSI actually) route. Why? Well, as we all know NHS IVF like to reject people for all sorts of (stupid) reasons - e.g., your husband had a child 20 years ago, you're too fat - when quite clearly BESHes who've been told that are far from fat! They are very keen to dissuade almost anyone from giving it a go. Fuck the pen pushers - it's amazing what can be achieved with a chequebook. Had I been in the UK I would not have wasted my time with the NHS tbh. I want a baby, not a fucking lecture. In addition - private clinics seem to have a far higher success rate... if money is an issue then I can direct you to a couple in Belgium with excellent results which are far cheaper than the UK. I'm not quite sure what your test results mean (lack of eggs?), but there is now evidence to suggest we are not born with a limited number (circa 300) - the powers that be came to realise that women start ovulating younger and stop later - therefore it was mathematically impossible to be limited to only 300 and that perhaps we do generate new ones within our lifetime.

Thanks SO MUCH each and every one of you. Am still reeling with the shock of it all, but have started looking into private IVF route (as wisely suggested by AlpineHorn) so that we have a Plan B when we see the consultant.

Looks like IVF abroad may be cheaper too. Will be pushing for as much as we can get on the NHS obviously, but I don't want to keep waiting until I fall out of their approved age range for treatment (I'm 34). I am very suspicious about their motives, as the AMH test is not a recommended one under the NICE guidelines, so I'm surprised if they would use this (and my first response to a very low dose of Puregon)as a basis for refusing any more treatment.

Sorry for the droidage Hoot. When will he learn he's not welcome round these parts?

I think this is the study that DolomiteDonkey was referring to, although her numbers are a bit off! You are born with a squillion eggs, and end up with a thousand or so at menopause - the vast majority are lost due to cell death within the ovary, not due to ovulation. But obviously if one doesn't have loads left, it's also likely that AC will struggle to push many out.

To be honest, BB, I don't find their actions suspicious as much as helpful - surely the idea is that if you improve your AMH it will improve your chances of success? The NICE guidelines are six years old and are currently being updated, so in the meantime it seems a lot of FCs are using their own knowledge of the more recent research. For example, my gynae didn't let me try clomid for unexplained infertility, even though NICE recommends it, because more recent research has shown it to be of no benefit if you are already ovulating.

It is possible that the next edition of the NICE guidelines won't include an absolute age cut off, but rather an acceptable hormone profile, irrespective of age (and possibly irrespective of BMI too). I found the notes of their recent meeting about what the guideline might cover really interesting, see here.

Have also heard good things about IVF abroad, Norway in particular. I will be looking into that if I don't get a go on the NHS, or if I do but it doesn't work.

Oooh Norwegian baybee? Strapping 6 footer prone to eating his relatives during winter? Bee-ware the forrin baybee - Bear is a lanky giant - neither of us is over 5'8" so we put this solely down to Dutch water! I am prepared in the name of science to go on a fact-finding mission to Norway on behalf of Barbie. Was over 2 winters ago for skiing - wondrous place - applied for a job in Stavanger earlier in the year but it didn't come through bah.

dolomitedonkey hehehe good one Lyra!

No no no MountainMule, you're quite all right, I don't mind going to Scandiland to investigate .

I spent my early 20s hotly lusting after a particularly Dane (did I get anywhere with him, did I feck). I then spent my mid 20s investigating potential donors on scandinaviancryobank.com (now called Cryos). So it's MY time to have a Scandi baby, goddammit. Do you think HO will mind?

ArcticAss I've just realised you're SkiHorse. Damnit I am slow.

Lyra You've just had ME browsing for spunk, goddamnit. Quite fun way to spend 10 mins though. MrG is already a strapping 6ft 1 and was a blond child so no scandi genes required.

How does it work doing it abroad BB - do you have to stay there for ages while they do it or just fly back and forth a couple of times getting drucks and baybees put in?

Thanks for the link lyra the new NICE guidelines should be interesting when they come out. I am a bit scared though if they are basing treatment on hormone profiles that I will be bottom of the heap, rather than qualifying like I do under current criteria.

The DHEA results are based on a handful of surveys I think so I'm not pinning too much hope on them. I am being a bit pessimistic, but to be honest at every stage I've had everyone saying "Oh you've only been trying 6 months/a year/18 months/clomid once/clomid 6 times/ IUI it's bound to work" and my optimism has ground to halt. I can't ever see this ever working for me. Think I need to creep off and try to get my PMA (and cojones) back. And recover from the shock a bit.

Yes, I know the feeling BB, I frequently feel as though it just won't happen for me. But several people who have been successful after trying for years tell me that they felt the same way until it aksherly happened for them.

Didn't mean to scare you re: the guidelines, just to make the point that the FC has probably got your best interests at heart. Remember the FC gets paid by the PCT to treat you, so their motives are relatively pure, IFSWIM.

Anyhoo the guidelines won't be published until 2012 and then it will take a good while for the PCTs to decide how to implement them.

Lyra I too investigated scandinaviancryobank - based in San Francisco right? I just about had my ticket booked...

I'm so very sorry BB . If I find anything at all useful on the DHEA biz or anything else relevant on the interweb - and I fucking will, as well - I'll be back with it. Meanwhile much, much love.

Well, I'm such a thread whore , bit of a grope here, soft cheese & curry in the Deli. Its all good.

There's a scandinavian cryobank in San Fran? Thank Jebus I'm diffed or I'd be searching out that place when I'm in San Fran. Have I mentioned I'm going on holiday next Thurs? Once or twice mebbe?

lyra my sweet I'm most definitely not going to preach & become all knowing now that I'm diffed. Only other long standing BESH's know how hard & long we tried, the FC route, dildocam, HSG, Clomid, the nasty grapefruit juice, the JIAP, the discussions about adoption, the thoughts I had of leaving Mr Loz so he could find someone with pink & shiny ovaries. Just stranger things can happen, that's all.

My only advice re FC's would be to push things. We didn't & to be honest I don't feel we had the most fantastic treatment.

Mr Loz is out on some wanky works do, so I have the house to myself. Lubberly! Now, who's for pj's & a spot or rum?

What if we had all picked the same Viking donor?? Now that would have been weird.

Hello Loz, are you looking forward to your holiday at all?

I am pushing people :). I guessed the gynae's email addy and have taken to asking her stuff via that route rather than making appt with GP/requesting referral/waiting 6 weeks to ask a simple question! She replies immediately too, it's so much more efficient. I have phoned the PCT who hadn't received the letter about IVF but chased it up as a result of my call, and have since written saying they will fund one round at either a) place with worst results in the country, or b) private provider they are in the process of contracting, and which would I prefer? So I am properly on waiting list for IVF now and should have first appointment in Jan/Feb. Going to try to chill out a bit until then .

I wish I had some useful knowledge or advice BB. I haven't I'm afraid but I'm thinking of you.

Tentatively throws rope aboard<

Ahoy there, can I join your crew of Jolly Rodgerers? Have been freaked out by other freds featuring the baby dust but like the cut of your jibs! Here's me questioannire....

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

I claim to omly like Tanqueray but this is a lie in an attempt to appear more classy. I will drink tesco value gin with gay abandon.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Hmm, my husband has seven years on me but I earn the money so neither. He is a hottie though so can I settle for being a perv? On the subject of husbands/ partners/ etc what is the short hand term for em aboard? I have never called anyone darling in my life and am not starting now!

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use: a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

I think this may be where I've been going wrong.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

A, am looking forward to being that person!

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

Is this a roid reference? Definately B

6. what colour are your walls?
   Truffle, cream and raspberry pink (in different rooms.)

7. Number of pets?

One kitten, currently known as Mr Bitey. That's not actually his name, for a while we called him practice.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

Jeremy Paxman, AKA Paxo, but it's not weird, stop judging me.

9. Lesbian crush?

Florence off the machine
10) What are your views on camping?

Love it, have a camper van. Lots of lovely alfresco shaggings and not droid tempting due to lack of canvas.

11) How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?

No POAFS sticks as yet, only just started being gloves off but have got bumper pack of the ovulating ones which I have failed to use at all as don't have tooth mug.

Can I join? Am keen to establish a smokers corner, possibley on the poop deck. Will bring fags, gin (obv), and green and blacks chocolate? Will not bring paxo I understand he is a specialist taste!

I'm a bit embarrassed about doing this - please blame it on my advancing years and the fact that I'm so scatter brained and stupid that yesterday I forgot it was Wednesday and I therefore forgot to go to a really important rehearsal for a concert. What a twat.

Anyway, I'm getting confused about names again, speshly with all the name changing which has been going on lately and I think it may be useful to my thicko brain to do another role call. I know it's not very BESH. PESHes can do it too if they like, though they already have a Not-List. I'll start:

Ariesgirl, 35. TTC since Feb. Very slack and not very dedicated to the Dark Arts (hasn't even had a dildocam FFS). Must get herself to the doc's one of these days, pref before the age of 40. Let in purely on account of her age I think.

RunLyraRun, 35 in 29 days time (how the fuck did that happen?), 14th month of TTC No.1 (and only?). Have been a member of the BESH Palace since records began. Husband known as Him Outdoors (HO). Still not sure I actually want a child and frequently freak out about this whole enterprise. Despite this, have had all the tests and looks like we will be going straight to IVF (do not pass IUI, do not collect clomid) in 2011.

Mrbitey am tres impressed by you steaming straight in with the BESHtionnaire. And you bring chocolate. I may have to fight you for Florence though

I've kept the same name since the darkages Laurielou 38 , TTC since June 2007, boyf JIAP lower than normal, 1st positive POAS on Sat. Eeek. Same as lyra still freak out at thought of having a baby. Swore earlier at the little brat dahling next door who was ranting (oh I didn't swear to his face or owt, I was inside swearing to myself really). Not a good start, is it?

Headbanger, 30 3/4. Consciously TTCing no. 1 since Jan 2010, though no contraception in 2 years (approx). Conquered menkul ishoos on part of the Old Man (the OM, married since 1834); then developed 10-day spotting episodes; all tests fine; only shagging/time/patience required. Vacillate between unnerving desire to produce 5 mop-headed offspring, and wanting to cling to hard-drinking heavy-smoking irresponsible ways...

Whenisit/Orchid 31 TTC no.2 since Nov/Dec 2009. All tests ok (although JIAP results bit low on some counts and I have wonky,irregular cycles). This morning I booked our first FC appt for Nov 2nd. Going private as not eligible for NHS funding. Think we will get diagnosis of unexplained secondary infertility so will proceed straight to IVF I think.

Hello Mr Bitey Can I borrow your campervan?

It's not so much the drinking that's the problem when you've got a kid, it's the hangovers. Just not worth it.

Milanomum a BESH noobie. 34 and a half, properly TTCing for about 5 months and a bit confused because have a DD (2) who was conceived immediately after the 'let's just see what happens' conversation . Completely ignorant about TTCing issues and a dildocam vergin.
I live in Eeetaleee with Mr Milano (1% Italian stallion, 99% average bloke).

LadyGoneGaga 32. TTC no. 2 since June. MiniG is 2. Got diffed in August but sadly lost it (how careless). Thyroid ishoos. Live in Midlands.

Hello Bitey and welcome. Several of us on here have cats that sole purpose in life is to vomit vile stuff all over ones best carpet. Just you wait.

PollyPoo aged 87 and a half. Married to TG (The Giant - he is 6'8") and have a 3 yr old daughter, Boo. 28wks diffed with no2 following 2 years ttc. Managed to steal the crown of Menkul from Scorps on several occasions, most notably for the photographing of the buzzwams episode (wanted to monitor changes during cycle... didn't work). Had done FC, HSG, JIAP etc, needling. Decided we were destined to be a one-child family, planned to move to Cornwall and start new life. Then got up the duff following a lezzing in an alley with Scorps. Currently in de nile that I only have approx 12 weekends of freedom left before due date.

BB I was so sorry to hear your news, but hope there is still a silver lining for you and lovely MrBB? I took DHEA for about 5 months before getting diffed. But then again I also took EPO, B6, Agnus Castus, drank grapefruit juice (with gin natch), took wheatgrass and countless other supplements and regularly got stuck with needles, so is kind of hard to say what did it. But DHEA = good thing. Definitely.