Avast Behind! Full of salty seamen and buxom lasses, the Gin Palais is heading off in search of Pirate Booty! For those brave BESHly wenches in their 30’s, TTC since the Black Death.

[BarbiesBeaver]

Ahoy Gin Hags, behold the Hendrick?s Palais, the finest sea goin? vessel that ever left these God forsaken shores. Packed with comely wenches and salty seamen, I be lookin? for a BESHly crew to travel the seas in search of booty. Land lubbers lackin? a twisted disposition need not apply.

Let me shiver yer minges with tales of the fearsome Droid Monster, who raises his bloody head each month, and the dreaded 2WOOFL, where the vaguest signs can be espied from the top o? the Crow?s Nest.

Get ye to the Brig, yer scurvy dogs, where Roger the Cabin Boy will see to yer needs, or apply the Cat O? Nine tails to yer britches if ye should mutter the oaths of Babydust.

Drink up me hearties, yo ho(es).

It is Mother's job to do offspring's head in. I often wonder whether I will do Mini-G's head in quite so much. Mine is excessively prone to tantrums and childish behaviour. But can be lovely too and is great with Mini-G.

Ski - arse is not hairy per se. But, you know, the undercarriage needs a bit of pruning.

Aries - don't worry - it's the ones they don't tell you about you have to watch out for. Like when I found texts from Mini-G's Dad to some slag asking her to send "a picture of your tits". Lovely. He'll prob get bored after they have exhausted the conversation. Go and tempt him into some SWIing.

Cass Mini-G has an interesting vocabulary too . Just count it as an early educational milestone. Something to boast to all the yummy mummy's about. Teach him "Cunt" and job done. They all get there eventually.

Ski I'm not surprised you're Mum's objecting to your Tesco delivery if it includes Irn Bru, it's foul stuff. Seriously, hope it's better than you think and you don't kill her. Do she and Bear get on?

My undercarriage scares me - I don't think I'll ever have it waxed again. C-section scar looks too painful - I'm still really jumpy if it's touched. :(

Oh it's just going to be h.o.r.r.i.b.l.e. and I will be mainlining gin by the end of the week. My dad has IBS and it's like going out with a toddler who insists he doesn't need a poo-poo and 5 m later does. :( I realise this makes me unsympathetic and mean - but hey, am not a nurse!

Aries Agree with GaGa - if he tells you he's not hiding anything, if he's not mentioning a woman with whom you know there's some form of "romance" - that's dodgy.

I expect poor little Bear will be quite good at swearing. I'm perfectly respectable in day-to-day life but put me behind the wheel of a car and I'd make a docker blush. And jailbait's Glasgwegian - his entire dialect is most formed from the base "Fuck".

Ocarina Her and Bear are fine - after all he is her PFB grandson and heir to the throne. He is the most beautiful grandchild which ever lived and naturally the most intelligent. He is 12 weeks old and is being steered towards Kings College. She also gets on fine with jailbait - but my mum is a bit "icky" once she's had a few and it's not totally unknown for her to rest a hand upon my boyfriends' knees!

I'm not a fan of the Irn Bru - 'tis for him. But I need my mini-Bakewells, a copy of Horse & Hound and a big bottle of Robinson's Apple & Blackcurrent. Oh how I laughed when my mum visited earlier in the summer and brought DIET Irn-bru. Haw haw. He still drank it though.

Ola Chicas.

I haz a question.

How long is egg good for after ovulation? Is it 24, 48 or 72 hours because I've googled it and I found all 3 answers.

LadyGG good work on the SWI and big snogs for the

Get your kit off then!!

I've not had a wax since having Mini-G - it's the episiotomy scar for me. And just the fact that I have an enormous 70's style bush if left to it's own devices and am very much a natural brunette. And a waxer once told me that "You have the toughest hairs I've ever seen and I think you're mad" in response to my request for a brazilian. So I stick with the razors for to stop it trailing on the floortidiness. But it's getting colder so I like a bit more coverage in winter!

I just leave mine to its own devices to be honest. Not because I'm really principled or anything - it's because I'm lazy and scared of anything painful.

"Fucking lunch fucking lunch...!"

Oh I know he's not got anything going on with his ex. Apart from anything else, he just doesn't have the time. And it's not like I haven't got exes on FB.

Ski, my mum had IBS and it was awful for absolutely everyone so I feel your pain. We couldn't do anything as a family which didn't involve being within dashing distance of the nearest loo. In the end she chose to have a most radical solution - not something I would have chosen voluntarily but she says her quality of life is much better so I guess that's something.

welcome milanoblanco i also admire the cut of your gib lady. welcome aboard! you do know newbs are required to scrub the deck topless?

gah families, was having a right mare about my sis earlier she has reet pissed me off but i think i might be a teeny little bit hormonal about it as she hasn't really done anything that bad. (i suppose)

lady big hug for you on this day even if is against house rules.

salts i thought egg was between 12 and 36 hrs?

Sprocket What's she done, the big bi-atch? Want me to go round there and whoop some sister ass?

Salinas I thought 24 hours. But you've got to have some fast swimmers or have some lurking already. Have you had a positive opk? They're meant to alert you 12-36 hours before the egg is laid I think. Thx for the snogs by the way. If charting once you've had the temp shift the egg is dead and gone already. (Sorry if teaching you to suck eggs - guffaw)

Storm in a tea cup lady I feel she's been a little bit selfish, point of this weekend was for mum to have a break and she ended up doing loads of chores at my sisters house. Mum is happy just to get away from dad for a bit (:() and always gets stuck in anyway, but I don't think sis should have let her lift a finger this time. Think she has been a wee bit opportunist as original plan was for her to have dad while mum had a spa break near by and it turned into me looking after dad while mum helped out at hers for the weekend. But I was tired, hormonal and a bit over emotional (been to see my poorly nan and being with dad is quite draining) so was over reacting a bit really. As long as mum got away thats the important thing. If dads not better by the time I drop the sprog then it'll be payback time in any case.

(mememememe)

plus the spermz take 5-7 hours to get ready to do their thing, too, so you need to get them plenty of time to get up there and ready (bloody men)

At our age? The egg will be viable for approximately 8 minutes - as GaGa says - ya gotta have the sperms lying in wait ready to pounce.

Aries I was staying with him once and put him on a carb-free diet. No more problems. 15 minutes back with my mum and he's tucking in to toast. Explosive bowels.

Parents. That's why I live in a whole other country from mine :o

Ski My family buy me Bakewells when I go back home as a 'welcome' present. I heart Bakewells.

Jay-sus I know nothing about this ttc-ing malarky. I thought you had 8 hours of glory once you'd ovulated. But I might have auto-convinced myself about that.

milan I haven't been "home" since 99! Mine have to drive through 2 whole countries to get to me yaaaay! And I'm thinking of moving further - not quite as far as you mind!

I laughed at jalibait being brought diet irn bru, (no doubt to the bemusement of our visitors who will be wondering what on earth I'm reading). Even I know that is not acceptable! And I know the Glaswegian dialect well. The first time my parents came to visit my Mum spotted a probably drunk Glaswegian woman wandering past my flat at about 10am muttering to herself and Mum's jaw hit the floor when she heard what she was saying. I did always wonder what Glaswegians say when they're really upset given that at least every third syllable was already fuck.....

There is one thing Irn Bru (made with gurrrrrrrrderrrrrrrs) is good for, and that's hangovers.

Right just popping my head in as Spooks has finished. God I fancy Richard Armitage - am going to dress him in pirate gear and book a private cabin when I've finished scrubbing this deck. Am slightly distracting by watching Milano though and am not really doing it properly...

Hiya, feel free to stalk me and befriend me on Facecrack :)

Re sweary toddlers - LadyG and Cass I did exactly the same once with MrBoo - huge row in the middle of the night when Masterboo was having a dickyfit for the 5 millionth time that week, we were tired and grouchy, I shouted something like 'just go and get the fucking milk will you' cue Masterboo saying 'Fucking milk, Fucking milk, Fucking milk - like milk was the best thing ever. End of row as we collapse in hysterics.

Now I only have to say something like 'bloody' and littleboo says 'Don't say that, it's a bad word'. Darn nursery and their moralising ways...

Good morning me BESHies, I watched some Man vs Foos last night and have decided I fancy Adam Richman. That is all.

Morning BESHdarlings.

Toddlers swearing cracks me up bless their little cotton socks. I know I shouldn't laugh at it but it's the sheer glee that they've learnt a new word and it's clearly not one that mummy approves of that gets me every time.

BrownB ! Hello my lovely & welcome. The gin barrel is over there; get stuck in. I would offer you a go on Cap'n Jack but he appears to have climbed to the top of the mast in a vain attempt to escape.

salts I've no idea but have always assumed by our vintage age, it's good for about 8 minutes like what Ski says? Plus aged swimmers also good for about 8 minutes. Okay that might be a slight exaggeration.

My parents are fine and welcome to stay whenever they like as they tend to do the garden, fix broken things and do the washing up. Mr Shoes' parents are elderly and barking mad and if they come to stay again I fear he may suffocate them both whilst they sleep. Oh dear. Thank god they live in the arse-end of Yorkshire and not nearby.

Oh dear I meant food, clearly, not foos (what would that programme be all about? sounds ruuuuude)

Hi GordonBrown tiz the BESHtionnaire, pliz to find and complete?

Swearing toddlers, is there anything funnier? My neice used to sound like she was saying 'fuck' when she was in fact saying 'smack' so if TGB went out for a cigarette at their house and she saw him, she said 'Daddy, go and smack Uncle Geek for being naughty' oh how we laughed. (homosexual incest anyone?)

Saltyone as other more knowledgeable BESHies have suggested, I thought the juicy one hung around for a day but the spermz can manage up to 3 days (in perfect conditions. My iphone app says I have fertile days for the 3 days leading upto OVing but no days afterwards so it must be trufax. I am about as much use as Google, pliz to kipper me someone?

And as for parents, we only live 100 miles from ours but they never bloody visit. Tis a shame too as I heart my in laws and would love them to come stay with us. We end up going back there more often though. My Mom's been a couple of times and I can manage about 2 days before I commit bloody violence have had enough. My Dad's been once but he has 2 children and a very busy wife (she does Morris dancing so is usually at some sort of fete at the weekend) so we enticed him down with tickets to the bike show at Ally Pally.

Am feeling a little more positive today, although freaking droid is still head fucking with me. Think I am going to start temping (I know, I know but needs must ) Any recs for a thermometer? I'd really like one that doesn't beep.

BrownBush no need for introductions, simply pop your clothes off and put them on that rum barrel over there. Here?s a mop, now swab the decks with those other two.

Truffking I thought you had typed Alan Rickman. Which would be perfectly natural in the phwooar stakes.

OwlAtTheMoon what wetsuit have you got? What water sports (snigger) are you planning on doing?

I met a fellow BESH at the weekend. I recognised the sneer as she explained her friends had to go home from the pub as they had a two year old so I went to see her the next day to get the full story. Turns out she had also had a M/C diagnosed at her 12 week scan so we had a good chat about it all which was strangely liberating.

Am I the longest TTC now in the Palais? 2 and a half years? Do I get some sort of medal? I have to go to the FC this week to learn how to use my new drucks. They are administered witha gun the nurse said. They sound like the hard stuff.

Morning BESHaroonies,

Hello BrownB - you haz to find and do a BESHtionnaire to introduce yourself. You must be foul of mouth and black of heart, obv. And like gin. But welcome.

Still no egg laying - how long did it take for my fellow slippery wombers to lay one afterwards? Have been trawling ff and think I am being too impatient given I tend to be a longish cycler anyway. Also not sure when to count the day of the mc - is it when bleeding starts (surely not as there was still a HB) or when the bad cramps start? Or when the placenta comes out? And is that the same as cd1? Bah. Hoping I will either lay one today or wait and do it at weekend so MrG is aboot to furtoloise it.

Cap'N Jack There, there, my dear. It's ok. Here drink this restorative rum laced with viagra and MDMA

Gun drucks, you say BB? Gun drucks? Sounds like a night out in Moss Side (where I did actually live as poor student with aged hippy dealer next door. Happy days)

You are one hardcore lady. Here, have this garland of flowers and nice, shiny necklace. You deserve a bloody massive medal for all that time, lovely. These gun drucks cannot fail surely.

Baaaaah evil internet lost what I typed.

Brief summary:

BB yes definitely medal

Hoorah for gun drugs - probably easier to do than needle drugs.

Wetsuit tis a Ripcurl full one with arms and legs, and is for windsurfing and general faffing in the water. Faffing, not feffing. Honest.

LadyGee I counted first day of no bleeding as day 8 and that seemed to work - droid arrived 3 weeks later bang on schedule.

I lived in Salford as a student and it was terrifying. Moss Side more so.