Avast Behind! Full of salty seamen and buxom lasses, the Gin Palais is heading off in search of Pirate Booty! For those brave BESHly wenches in their 30’s, TTC since the Black Death.

[BarbiesBeaver]

Ahoy Gin Hags, behold the Hendrick?s Palais, the finest sea goin? vessel that ever left these God forsaken shores. Packed with comely wenches and salty seamen, I be lookin? for a BESHly crew to travel the seas in search of booty. Land lubbers lackin? a twisted disposition need not apply.

Let me shiver yer minges with tales of the fearsome Droid Monster, who raises his bloody head each month, and the dreaded 2WOOFL, where the vaguest signs can be espied from the top o? the Crow?s Nest.

Get ye to the Brig, yer scurvy dogs, where Roger the Cabin Boy will see to yer needs, or apply the Cat O? Nine tails to yer britches if ye should mutter the oaths of Babydust.

Drink up me hearties, yo ho(es).

I used to drink gin straight from the bottle in my student days - Is that enough? I'm also just leaving the fertile zone and entering my 2ww so potentially lots of fruitcake to be had.

May I?
(I've got a pretty decent rack)

Bonjourno ItalianMama. Pliz to find and complete the questionnaire....sounds as though you could be right up our street

Although I still don't really like gin and they let me stay

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now leaving the Fertile Zone. Love it

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')
   er, yes? (see first post) My claim to fame is 10 g&ts and 2 tequillas before I fell down a long flight of stairs and had bruises that people gasped at in changing rooms for aaaggges :o

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   Not a cougar but not a gold digger either although hopefully when in-laws 'move on to a better place' we'll actually get a better place.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
   c) Most definitely not b) and a) would just hurt.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you:
   a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway.
   b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.
   I hate the whole 'babydust coo-coo crap' so I'd go for a) I like shouting. It's part of my job.

5. Is R2D2:
   a) an adorable robot from Star Wars.
   b) the source of all evil.
   I'm guessing (relevance factor) it ain't a robot but the carrier of sadness and fucked-offedness, so b)

6. what colour are your walls?
   They are white (with quite a few pen/pencil scribbles and chipped bits). We rent. Nuff said.

7. Number of pets?

1. :( I want a dog but small house (+ full time job) - garden = not a good idea.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Recently, David Miliband. Mostly Jared Leto though.

9. Lesbian crush?
   Shakira. Wow-factor 1 squillion.

10. What are your views on camping?
    I actually quite like it, but not the completely isolated stuck-up-a-hill-with-nothing-to-eat type. There are quite a few plush campsites over here, with TVs, washing machines and everything.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks
    Erm. Not a hell of a lot yet but it's still relatively early days (6 months). I have 1 toddler and conceived first time trying so this is a whole new level of mental torture for me.

Oh and cinco I'm 34 too.

Welcome Milanomum. Is it because her breasts are small and humble so you don't confuse them with mountains? Is easily done . How old is your toddler and what flavour is it? Are you in Italy then you lucky bi-atch?

You can have a go on Jack if you like (if you can prise him from between Ski's trembling thighs) but I think he's a bit tired at the moment.

Not read whole fred but WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE um, I mean hooray at LozzaloadofLove's most excellent news. Pirate ship is doing the trick woohoo! Will catch up tomorrow, sorry if this post is in the middle of something.

PS. Cinco have more to say but no time now - will speak tomorrow but I loves you.

gin 'twas next to the bed and it got broken yesterday. Aries was counting spiders at the harbour or something.

Shakira is lovely, it's enough to make me want to learn Spanish. I also like your mercenary approach towards your inlaws milan and of course the whole coochy-coo babydust thing is supposed to make you gag. This is because you are a grown-up. It is wrong that 5 year olds are TTC. Although on whattoexpect.com they have women with sparkly banners which read "High School Seniors TTC". Fo shiz. I lasted approximately 20 minutes - long enough to read everyone's profiles and discover I was exactly twice the age of everyone else. So... welcome!

Not to be a pedant but Shakira is Brazilian and hence speaks Portuguese. But you could try...

Coing to check out the High school shaggers now!

Barbie do you think it is the ship that is doing the trick or the Cap'n Jack spunk? Perhaps we should linger on this theme for a bit longer while we get a few more pirate-y impregnations.

We won't be lingering on it for much longer; we're over halfway through already

You gobby lot.

Right I'm off to purchase 2 litres of gin to soak my damsons in. Perhaps 3 litres.

Ummm... she's from Colombia.

She certainly sings in Spanish - although perhaps she is Brazilian in origin. Are you maybe confusing her with Nelly Furtado?

Funnily enough Mr Milano looks a bit like Orlando Bloom in 'Pirates'. Or so lots of people said anyway. Here's hoping it's a sign ... or something.
Gaga not sure about mountains but quite like sage with ravioli. Toddler is 2 and she is dirt flavour most of the time. Shakira is surely Columbian and therefore no one here would be able to speak to her?
ski I left another site because I couldn't bear the frills and sweetness between complete twats strangers.

I'm hoping I'm not too late to get in on the Jack's lucky spunk

Why do I ALWAYS get that wrong. And be a dick about it. Soz for doubting your superior knowledge of South American songstresses. It's her arse - always strikes me as a Brazilian arse.

But you know, much as they like to hide it behind the violence and booze houndery, these girls are rather sweet and very kind and caring when needed.

Oooh I'm liking the turn this thread is taking.

Shakira is Columbian MrA likes her and I will permit this because she does a triffic amount of work for chiridee. More confusingly, my dad also likes her. Fair enough - she's a babe.

LadyGaGa You shave your arse? I too like Brazilian bottoms - I remember once reading that the "perfect" Brazilian bottom was a very respectable 42" - thems ma gals!

I went through a "south american phase" about 5 years ago, complete with Colombian boyfriend. Carlos (of course!) - I sometimes wonder what would've happened had that continued... probably some finca in the hills somewhere.

You can have Cap'n Jack - my mother arrives in a week and is already upsetting me. :(

Oh dear ski. How long is she staying? I always like the idea of my mum coming and staying, imagining us shopping and lunching and giggling over chick flicks etc. But it never happens :(. I always want to scream with annoyance within two hours of them being here. I can't even explain why she annoys me. Does this make me a bad person?

Just 4 full days - and she's at a hotel, but she's getting pissy about me wanting to get a Tesco delivery done to her house - which she then throws in the boot of the car. None of it perishable obv. just stuff we can't get here - e.g., Irn Bru, Bisto, mini-Bakewells - you know, necessities! And she's banging on and fucking on about my sister (with whom I don't talk) and Princess Kate. PK is a girl from the midlands who rolled in to town about 15 years ago with a junkie boyfriend, has been on benefits since the year dot but in my mother's eyes is like the second coming.

She will just get on my tits. :( We will go to the stables and everything will be great - anywhere else and I'll want to stove her head in with a decorative ashtray.

Don't stove her in. Just thank the Lord she's in a hotel and not in your flat. Take deep breaths and be chilled. This from the Queen of Tolerance and Chill

I take it all back about MrA. He's currently FBing an ex of his who has befriended him and chortling away as they exchange reminisces and witticisms. Have just seen a photo. Your basic nightmare - thin, pretty, big tits... Slag!

Slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag!!!

What is all this talk of Shakira?

Welcome milano-one . I iz likin the cut of your jib.

My Dad annoys me these days within seconds. He is wonderful with ministew but just does my head in apart from that. Has to find the bad in EVERYTHING.

My mum had a minor op today, and I had to take ministew to docs as he's not been well. Manstew didn't bother to ring to see how it went until 30 seconds before he needed to be at the pub for someone's leaving do. So I lost my rag and shouted at him that the most important thing to him was his fucking lunch.

Cue ministew running round shouting "fucking lunch fucking lunch" for 20 mins.

Oops.