30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

hard heard

Oh Rocket. I had a very similar experience - ie told to go straight to IVF - a few months ago. Don't think you were about then? Tis here (4pm 11 May, if that link doesn't go straight to it). I still don't know why I haven't been offered IUI, other than that people don't seem to think much of it. I do know of people who have had IVF first, in the spirit of trying the thing with the highest success rate up front, then have gone on to have IUI later.

I too am surprised about the doc's comments on the spunk results - I see that TB has another test lined up for next week, but will that be his second or third? If it will be the second, then the doc shouldn't be making pronouncements on the basis of solely the first.

It's great that you have another appointment in three weeks, so can get your shit questions together for that. I agree with BB that an HSG must be part of the work up - and you shouldn't have to fork out for one (although if you did, it wouldn't affect your entitlement to NHS treatment - that used to happen to cancer patients who want the NHS to administer/monitor drugs which they have brought privately - used to be verboten because it was part of the same "episode of care").

Agree with others on the naturalness debate - the first thing that popped into my head when I read that was, as others have said, that very little in life is natural these days. In my view, technological advances are almost always to be celebrated rather than shunned.

You have all my sympathy and love.

Yay, hurrah and huzzah for that Pencil . Am so pleased

Err, does he wear tight pants

I ask because along with Lambstews' friends the hot bollocks thing can really kill spermz. Sure I've said that before too.

Going private for tests won't affect your NHS funding, hoever round these parts if you go to IVF then you forfeit IUI. How many goes do you get on IVF up your way?

oops, x-post x100. Good news HB. Helpful list of spunk supplements from BB on previous page. I know the OM leads a blameless existence, but caffeine and hot baths can hinder as much as hard core booze. You probs know that, sorry .

Cross posts.

Excellent news Bangers

I didn't know that GoddessLyra - and I read it and winced (I am addicted to whole pots of strong coffee and scalding baths) then remembered that it's not actually me producing the jizz . Thanks awfully, I shall scroll back to BB's list.

And Salads, echoing what Lyra said - I'm sure that given time he will come to see that technology is his friend...I know how he feels, I think, but I imagine it's the first shock of it that's off-putting, and the feeling that it's something that happens to other people. I guess if you said to me, would you like a bit of an animal's body inside you (STOP GRINNING Score YOU MUCKY PUP!), I'd recoil, but if my heart was going to be saved by a pig's valve then I'd take it happily.

I have literally no idea at all if that a) made sense or b) was helpful..

Hello. Am back. I haven't died of shame or embarrassment.

Salad so fucking cross at your consultant. Even if in his professional opinion IVF is the sensible way forward for you, there's ways & means of delivering that news. I'm no expert, but again, your fella's JIAP don't look so bad - found out this morning the boyf's are 59mill count, 56% motility, but 3% morphology. At first we were told the 3% was a bit low (average 5%). Then at second appointment we were told it was all good. So this morning I asked for a full explanation.

Basically WHO did originally pin 5% as the average, but there was not a lot of research & evidence around this. The guidelines are going to be reduced to 1%. So your fella seems very good on that score. OK, his count a little on the lower side (they said 20 mill as average). But the consultant said to me that OVERALL result was good, kind of 2 out of 3. So I would assume similar sort of diagnosis for your fella?

I agree with cass in that do nothing at the moment. Your fella has had a shock to his damned male pride an' all that. Take some time to take stock.

OK (this is turning into an epic, sorry).

As said above boyf's JIAP = good, my progesterone levels = good. However both tested a year ago, so havng repeat tests.

Consultant also used phrase "unexplained infertility". That's the first time that was used

He confirmed that CD1 is day you have full flow of droid, regardless of what time it arrives. So now I know that if droid arrives this month I'll know what is CD2 so I can continue with Clomid.

I've taken 3 months & its not unusual for it to dry up pant snot (helpful). He advised to take the next 3 months. You can be prescribed Clomid for up to 12 months.

We're on the IUI & IVF lists & should be near the top for IUI - eek!

No problems taking vitamins (they say to consult GP if you're planning to become diffed).

No-one mentioned weight, so I'm taking that as a good sign

Age - I was clucking lucky. Now, I'm in Wales so it may be different here, but listen up. Consultant said to be referred to Fertility Clinic you need to be under 37 years 5 months old. I was 37 years 2 months old! I'd never heard of that stat before. IVF needs to take place before 40th birthday. So if I want 2 kids, time is of the essence.

Anti Mullarian (sp?) Hormone test (to test how many eggs you have left). Apparently this is inconclusive if you ovulate normally. However, they would test for this prior to going down IVF route to determine the chances of IVF success.

2 free goes of IUI & IVF on the NHS.

I think that was all. Kind of glad that he doesn't seem horribly concerned, but also a bit anti-climatic that everything seems to be in place so WHERE THE FECKING FECK IS MY FECKING BAYBEE?

Sorry this is so long.

head how's the JIAP results?

Woah, bit dry in the mouth now. Gin fizz?

Am lyra as we are the same age and when I spoke to FC nurse about age she scoffed and said I had loads of time left.....amazes me always the differing opinions you get when effectively getting the same service.

Have you asked about IUI and they're just not forthcoming. Are your OH jizz results ok? Seems strange to me that they wouldn't offer although as earlier said success rates aren't too hot.

oh good news bangers vey vey please for you and the OM. Bless him for being so up for improvement! Go out and buy him a big bag of pumpkin seeds as a reward gift.

I have had 2 rounds of hormone blood tests and no problems there. The more I think about it the more I do think that they are trying to get me in before I am 39 in feb as lookd like after 37ish the success rates drop pretty sharply.

Thanks for the moral support Lyra do you mind me asking where you are up to with it now? Did you decide against or still waiting? It is his 2nd test. We asked if it would be better to wait until TB had been on the new healthy regime for 3 months (which would be in a months time) and doc said that sooner the better so the more I think of it it probably IS that there is a sense of urgency due to my age. Which is a good thing I spose even if it was handled a bit unsympathetically, I spose they haven't really got time to molly coddle people

I haven't done a jot of work all day and feeling a bit guilty but really not motivated at all :(

Don't feel guilty Salad, you need your head space for processing it all, not for work.

Hooray for good jizz Headcase, tis excellent news.

Lorry that's a lot of info to take in, glad you got so much, and that nothing disastrous has been flagged up. Hope you're giving yourself plenty of space to process it and work out where you go next.

Now we just need a report from Hoppy.

Lozza lots and lots to take in there. It's so tough - lovely to be reassured that there are no significant problems, and then to have to accommodate that ghastly 'unexplained fertility' phrase. Fantastic news that you're below the age threshold for IUI/IVF...but then of course it's so alarming to be confronted with such practical and definite steps in the near future. So - to clarify - you'd get 2 x goes IUI and then progress to IVF if necessary? (sorry if being a thicko)

Oh crikey - so much to catch up on. I'm sorry if I miss anyone out.

Lettuce Wah to the unsympathethic consultant, BUT I think you're onto something with going with the notion that they are just trying to give you the best possible chance given the stats and ages etc. They should have a bit more of a bedside manner about it, but the positive is that they you would hope they know they're shiz and will offer you the best options for your particular circumstances - non?

Headsup - great news on the JIAP results.

Tarty - so sorry to hear that you're in the pit. It must be very hard . Will contort my body for you that 3rd time is a go'er

Laurie glad you seemed to have a better time of it.

Scorpalion pants to the uncles comments! I had another person at work ask yesterday when I was going to get diffed again. I DON'T FREAKING KNOW, SO STOP BLOODY WELL ASKING ME! Ok, rant over and I feel better. As you were...

Aww lozzer so proud of you for getting all that info and that it all sounds ok apart from the 'unexplained fertility' bit. Hope the clomid does the trick for you and you don't need to go the IUI/IVF route but good to know its there if you need it.

Thanks so much you guys, TB just called to check on me (he said maybe i shouldn't have been on my own, bless him) , we were sposed to be out tonight but friends have cancelled but another friend needs a hand with something so he suggested we do that and get out and do stuff at the weekend so we don't mope. Although he also said that I should prob rein it in with MN a little bit and that it had reached 'xbox proportions' (we used to argue re his game playing a few years ago) and actually i do think he has a point as have been aware i have been ignoring him a bit and just using him for sex. I probably need to get on with living life, and maybe limit myself to MN say every other day? (instead of all day every day) :o

Ooops, I seemed to x-posts with, eh everyone

head good news. I think I may love your OM a little.

Like your OM, my boyf leads a tres healthy lifestyle. Crazy fuckwit Healthly person that he is he doesn't drink (alocohol or coffee) & doesn't smoke. I started him on the zinc a few weeks ago & pumpkin seeds this week. I've also told him I can't clamber on & that saliva kills the spermz. Love him, I'm taking away all his fun .

Though when I told him about the saliva bit he shrieked "What? You don't fucking gargle with it!" Suppose that's troo.

Salad sod work. Do not feel guilty about that. I wish there was a universal tick box list of things consultants should do. You're not that much older than me (I'll be 39 next July) & I've been told that IVF is my plan c (after Clomid & IUI). Not sure which is worse - your "panic" consultant or my "relaxed" consultant.

News just in: the OM has his results, as below. Not sure what to make of them other than that the notes say 'normal but low volume' (rather than low count, I guess, which good):

Viscousity normal
Total per ml: 67
Number in sample (sweet!): 87
Motililty: 65%
Progressive motility: 56%
Abnormal: 71% (normal range of abnormal 0-95.9)

Am off to do a spot of light Googling but it looks as if all is well. Am experiencing mingled elation and guilt that I get good news and others, less so . I wish I could share it; I really do. Big loves.

God, I need to type faster!

head yep, my plan of action is 3 months of Clomid, then 2 consectutive months of IUI, then 2 goes of IVF (they don't usually do consecutive months of IVF). Also I wouldn't necessarily go straight to IUI the month after I finish Clomid, may be a little delay due to fecking waiting lists.

salad do not feel inferior. Our consultants sound as different as chalk & cheese. Bless TB for checking up on you. I've said before & I'll say again, we have a great bunch of fellas, don't we? (Obviously not quite as great as us BESH's).

Right, I really have to go. I have a bloody big business case to write by tomorrow & have done, eh, cock all!

lozzer don't think there is any truth to the clambering on thing, think you should do what feels good

is so weird isnt it? perhaps its the low(ish) sperm count that's differentiating us. but there does seem to be a massive lack of consistency.

LL Good news that your appointment went well and was really thorough. Sounds like you got all the answers you wanted...apart from the 'why don't I have a baybee yet?' one.

dabomb Really wish you guys lived nearer. Glad TB is being kind, he's a good sort x

Sounds all good HB don't be feeling guilty about good news!! Its nice to hear some.

cinco me too. disappointed about this weekend but then TB said "why don't we just go and visit them?" he didn't mean this weekend but soon if you are up for it? I didn't want to go into detail why that might be tricky at the mo. (wondering if we could sneak of for the afternoon for a wider BESHmeet?)

Salad Sorry they were so blunt. It does seem like they should also check you out too (belt and braces, why not?). Are you abale to ask for second opinions with these things

Head - glad to hear there is lead in the pencil.

Laurie Sounds like you have a plan which is much better than no plan. It helps to feel more in control.

The heavier bleeding is back again. I think had better not get in pit though. Not suitable for seeing actual people. Window cleaner came round to ask for money shortly after I discoved heavier bleeding, I ignored the bell, rang again, I ignored again. Then he came round to peer through the window at me. Asked him to go away, said I was having a few problems. Kept going on until I shouted that I was having a miscarriage and he should fuck off. He shouted fuck yourself at me and went. I'm a bit concerned about all the shouting. I have no control over my emotions at the moment. I just don't feel positive at all.

Ha, I have just looked up sperm counts on Wiki and I think the OM must have read completely the wrong numbers, since they bear no relation whatsoever to what I typed up there! Ho hum...

Lozza! So glad you've now got a firm (oo-er) plan of action ahead of you. About bladdy time too! I feel a win for you coming up Glad you got a better consultant than poor ole Bomballerina (prolly couldn't get worse - Salad, did he appear in black and white, cos he sounded v patrician and old-skool! ).

HB, vvvvvvv glad that OM's spunkz is basically A-okay. Is it wrong that I imagine his wrigglers dressed as C19 Peelers?

Is so good that people are getting results and moving a step closer to their goal. I think we can all agree that the powerlessness and being in the dark of TTC are two of the very worst factors.

Am having a low day so might be a bit absent this avo (am going to try to turn it into anger and have a belting sesh at the gym - there's gotta be some advantages to being Dole Scum). The 37 and 5 months thang has fucked me up. Lozza, don't beat yourself up, you're just relating facts. I think that's what my GP was trying to tell me at my last appointment, only I was too upset to concentrate on the last few things she said. TYF has just had a pay rise (huzzah!) but we still can't afford owt FC-wise yet. And certainly not £60K like that couple in the Daily Heil, haha.

Of to the pit. I will be employing Tom Hardy as my personal trainer. Of course, he needs to take his clothes off to demonstrate all the moves...

I'm speechless lady. Shout all you want if it helps you. What an absolute knob jockey. Really really really sorry this is happening to you. You can shout at me in the pit if you like, I don't mind.

oh crap gaga when does MrG get back? Have you spoken to him? Had you better go back to the hospital or go to A&E? what did they say to do yesterday if it got worse? I am so sorry this must be so worrying for yuo, bloody window cleaner, what an arsehole.