30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Six pages in less than 24 hours is taking the piss. But you do talk some quality drivel :o

GaGa that is such encouraging news. Will be thinking of you.

Salty I'm not giving up hope for you yet.

Hey cinco, droid or just BFN? Very sorry if it's the former :(

Scorps, your Uncle is indeed a fucking fucker. I'm sure you would have had a whole host of pithy retorts at your disposal if you could have just GOT A FUCKING WORD IN. Your dad, however, is a genius. Emotional voyeurism - high five Scorpops :)

Aries, didn't I say just the other day that I have crap sex all the time? Worse than you, deffo.

Salad, mythbusters thread is a great idea, I thought that post from choccie was excellent, bloody good on her for asking such frank questions of the gynae. BESH respect. I will overlook that fact that you have broken a commandment by being on another conception thread

BESTOFBESHIELUCKTOTHEBARRENMENDERSTHREE. God knows you wil struggle to do worse than I do on these visits - gynae merely waves away my concerns and enquiries with a waft of the hand and a pshaw.

I'm doing ok...think I cried myself out last Saturday when I realised it was game over as started getting pre-droid cramps. The whole shebang starts again next week, just waiting for droid now but has started bleeping proper so know it's on it's way, then call the FC for new scan and drugs to start the 3rd (and last) cycle. 3rd time lucky, right? I just don't get how it doesn't work time after time and am very concerned there is something up with me that hasn't been tested for.

Sorry laydeez, feel bad as haven't caught up properly, will have a read through now.

In the meantime can anyone give advice as to how I can stop thinking about being (or not as the case may be) a Mum the whole fucking time? Starting the needles next week (thanks for the recommendation Scorps as she seems really lovely) so maybe that will help.

Good luck to BESH Trilogy today!

LadyGG great news on the heartbeat, try to get some rest if you can

Lettice good idea on the FC thread, I'm in.

Scorps I heartily recommend singing Truffkin's South Park Tribute in your head next time someone starts frothing at the mouth and spewing up that sort of nonsense.

I miss out on the BESH FC trilogy but I'm in tomorrow to see what's cooking in there. Feels like my ovaries have turned into ostrich eggs so surely something is going on. Anyone heard from Cincotart? I wonder how she's getting on.

Cross posts with about 1000. So sorry to hear that Cinco I've been thinking about you all week wondering how you were getting on. I've started going to Acupuncture too, I'm on my fourth session and can heartily recommend it. Very good for emotional balance and improving relaxation, as well as circulation and shiz.

Trying not to think about it...trickier. Is there something you can focus on which is postive but totally different? Planning a holiday/weekend away, house improvements/gardening, reading lots of nice new books, any excercise you enjoy? I've leant on all these things when things are getting tough. Also screaming and shouting to angry music in the car/at home or crying to sad stuff. I've got some appropriate tunes I can post you if that would help?

Oh Cinco . I'm so sorry

I've just skim read this thread - boy you lot are reet gabbers! So have most likely missed lots, however...

Gaga so sorry you've had this scare, never seems to end does it. Good news that you have heard the heartbeat, hoping for the best outcome at your next scan, that the time goes quickly for you and you can rest up.

Barberella How are you finding the injections - any side effects?

Scorps All I have in my head is the 'Uncle fucker' tune from South Park. What an absolute arsehole cunt (and I don't use the c word lightly I'll have you know).

moley Hello, nice to meet you too. Wish I was a bit cheerier and showing a better side.

Never knew who Tom Hardy was (apart from one of Mr T's very old friends but turns out it's not the same guy)...very tasty, can you chuck him down here purlease.

Injections are ok. I'm finding that doing them in my perfectly toned washboard belly is better than doing them in my thighs. No not much side effects apart from ovary tenderness and slightly moody. What day do you stop injecting? Will you get one go at IVF after IUI?

In haste - so sorry darling BESHes, work is a beehotch - but Cinco love, I am so terribly sorry. I wish I had some wise words, but at the moment can only stroke your hair . Can you voice your fears re. hitherto untested-for problems to the FC, well before your next round of IUI? When would the next cycle be due to start - could you dedicate a month to really looking after yourself, and to needling, seeing a herb lady etc. (I know PollyPoo really benefited from hers...). Sorry, lots of questions, and yuo should spend a day or so really just resting and cherishing yourself. Big love.

All love and vibes to the BESHSMASHTHREESOME today. I won't be able to post much but will be feverishly clicking 'refresh' in between deadlines. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXx

You do feel a bit like a battery hen don't you....hope you've got some juicy follicles, if you're a bit tender sounds likely :) Last injection depends on how you're responding and when they expect you to be ready to ovulate. Think I had 6/7 days in total ( I start day 5 though) first time and then a few days of double doses more this time as just wasn't responding as well. Yes we should get a chance at IVF...think we'll have at least a couple of months break though as this is tough.

Cinco really sorry to hear that news. But third time lucky is de rigeur on these thjings, no? Will have fingers crossed for you.

Scorps That was a very insensitive and silly thing for your uncle to say. Made all the worst that he prolly only said it because he does care. So I will join you in the chorus of "Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fucker". Maybe an anoymous poo through the letter box this time so as not to cause family ruckus. Your Dad sounds ace though. Do your family have a proper Vegas accent too? (Just trying to imagine those words delivered in the correct vernacular) I've lost mine but MrGG's is strong!

FC3 channelling proactive and assertive vibes for the barrenmenders and hope you get some answers and no fuckwittery. And a baybee.

I slept ok. Skiving on the sofa today and have packed miniG off to nursery. Still bleeding - got heavier last night which was scary but then tailed off again overnight(although still there)so hopefully will dry up today. Work are being very supportive.

cinco, always worth seeking reassurance from FC, but IIRC the success rate of IUI for someone of my age (35 next month, fucksticks) is about 10-15% per cycle, isn't it? Slightly dependent upon clinic, of course.

So very probably not a reflection of anything specifically wrong with you (other than the obvious that is wrong with many of us!)

Thanks Head. Will be forging on with next IUI as apparently there is better success if done consecutively. Hoping the needles will do the job in helping me chill and am allowing myself to wallow for a day or two but will be giving myself a firm talking to about focusing too much on this...will be doing stuff like your suggestions Sindy including hopefully buying a new house.

You're right lyra the success rates are pretty poor (for what it feels like you go through that is) - I asked last time and was told 20% per cycle with a 1 in 3 chance over the course of 3 cycles. It's pretty much the same as 'normal healthy couples' have every month. I'm worrying as we seem to have sorted Mr T's ishoo of very low motility which should (in my head anyway) now mean I should get pg easily (ovulating well and tubes etc all fine) I have it in my head that there is either an issue with my eggs or that I have some kind of immune disorder that is attacking any fertilised egg - fuelled by family health issues and taking a fuck load of antibiotics over the years to keep me alive This is of course Dr Googles diagnosis and could be total bollocks but unless you go private with IVF it's not looked at - and I'm a worrywort, can you tell yet?

Thanks everyone, you're all so caring and helpful and just lovely

Oh cinco . So sorry to hear that.

Salad Excellent idea for a discussion fred.

10 mins & I shall be off to hospital - eek! Am eating a Crunchie to ease off the nerves. Troo medical fact.

Laters, x

You and the rest of us, Tarty. I wish they would test for everything at the outset, but it's too expensive innit. I convinced myself I had prolactinaemia a while back.

I also regularly torment myself with the idea that, just because I've never had a sniff of a diff, doesn't mean that I won't also have insurmountable problems holding onto a BOC if I ever get one. Cheery little soul, I am.

Good luck Lozza

Morning darlinks :)

Cinco sorry it's all a bit shit atm, fingers crossed it is indeed third time lucky.

HB hope the jizz results are good (there's a sentence I never thought I'd type)

Sending v.good vibes to the BESHtriumvirate today, am looking forward to hearing some quality answers to all our many questions when you return.

Scorps - fucking fucking inconsiderate fucker. That is all.

Question for anyone who has a CBFM. Tis only day 8 and the first month I have used the POAS machine. Droid finally buggered off yesterday. And yet bleddy CBFM gives me two bars this morning. Two bars! This means we have to shag. Old fella had a molar out yesterday and feels like he's been punched in the face; it's the middle of the week and I feel fat. Also if we have to start shagging today and I think I normally ovulate around day 13, how the hell are we going to keep going for the next 6 days?

~starts browsing the 'buy viagra' spam emails~

Another commandment suggestion:

Thou shalt punch repeatedly on the nose any fucker who says 'just relax and it'll happen'.

Best of BESHie luck today Mounty, Salad and LL.

So sorry about the IUI not working this time Cinco. Just can't imagine the upset and frustration. Am a firm believer in 3rd time lucky (am relying on this theory for myself too...)

Scropey what a horrible conversation you had to endure! But your ma and pa sound lovely

I'm on 7DPO and nada, not a sausage to get my hopes up with. Just very bored of this game now.

Oh, Cinco, SOOOOO sad for you What a lovely weekend surprise, eh? The one ray of sunshine is that I know how good Needles Lady is and I truly believe she will help you. As she is ZW-affiliated (Praise her!), she is v knowledgeable about all the latest cutting-edge tests and tips and what FCs should be telling and offering you and undertaking and she encourages you to be really proactive. She also lets you discuss all your woes, however hysterical and is really warm, caring and offers well-balanced advice. Just don't mention her own BESH trials wot I spoke of t'other week, as was private I hope it goes well :)

Lozzles, be brave. They EXPECT women to be assertive and demanding answers, etc. - as well as being used to women getting upset and shrill. You won't look weird, strident, over-emotional, none of that. What you will look like is clever, thoughtful, determined and darn sexy!

And that goes for all in the BESHSMASHTHREE (great name)! Go give em hell, then go get your baybees!

Thanks for more kind words about my Uncle. He isn't mad or bad, he's just one of those 'engage mouth before brain' types. I wouldn't have said anything harsh to him because it would've ruined Aunt's day and also, he would then worry he'd upset me and incessantly probe my folks for info as to why (and then go home and gossip), so I managed to keep my cool

Cinco my sweet I'm so sorry. You poor love :(. Look after yourself. I hate feeling like there's nothing to do to help someone feel better but you know everyone here is sending you the warmest of BESHlove.

Good luck everyone to day with everything.

Scorps - Snozzcumber is going to create Mythbusters (including FFJ for the authentic ectoplasmic effect)later. The inspiration came from choccie on the Charters' thread. I grant you permission to step outside the Palace to read it.

But will it be safe? Will you hold my hand?

Really sorry Head ...in my selfish indulgence forgot to give luck for the jizz results. Echo what others have said, firstly about getting a print out if you can, at least numbers anyway, and second about that it's only a snapshot of the situation and if it is under par there are ways to help improve. Have things crossed.

In fact I have so much crossed for so many of you I'm all in a bit of a twister stylee twist.

Lyra It's awful that we can convince ourselves in this way. I tend to blame my googling habits but surely people thought this way before t'interweb was invented?

Thanks again for kind words everyone. Twinkle the phrase 3rd time lucky must have some basis in reality so hopefuly it works for you too.

I've had a another little sniffle. Heard the lyrics the other day to 'Sonny' (properly, never really listened before just hummed along in my out of tune fashion) which made be all teary and think that's a name I'd like for a boy, just searched them out and sent to Mr T which has set me off, perhaps I need shooting or at least some kind of pain inflicting - pliz to help?

arrancardigan Your words are helping my love, ta very much. Hope you're ok - I skim read but detected some problems (sherlock powers of detection) . Hope you and Mr A are alright.

Scorchio I did wonder whether I might bump into you Shall we keep appointments secret so we can try and guess...bugger can't be arsed, would be cool if we did (BESH commandment for an instadiff int it). I'm on Weds morning.

Right, I'm going to stop waffling and get some painting done - we have decided to finish off the last few jobs on the house so we can sell and move to a house with a garden*, trouble is we have now seen said house with a huuuuuuuuge garden in our price range but haven't even got this one the market yet. Sods law strikes again.

*Optimistically hoping ils will help us out, another body part crossed.

Patiently awaiting news from FC3.

Salts any more news from you my dear?

Well that didn't go so well.

Consultant threw massive curve ball right at the beginning by saying we were to go straight to IVF, no Clomid, no IUI as there is 'no point' as the problem was with TB not me. Therefore also 'no point' in me having any further tests as if we are going for IVF then there is no need to know if there is anything wrong with my tubes.

Basically I bottled a lot of my questions as there was not only TB and the nurse PLUS a student doctor in there it was a bit hard although I did ask "if there was anything we could do during or after intercourse to increase chances of conceiving" and he just kid of brushed that off. But he didn't seem that interested in helping us conceive naturally and it was all just rush rush with the IVF. TB is going back to JIAP again in a weeks time and we are going back for 3rd appointment in 3 weeks so the only thing I can hope for is that his results come back better, in which case they will change the plan. The thing that fucks me off is that no-one there has even laid a hand on me to examine me. Its not like I WANT a load of invasive tests but at least it would feel like they were trying to find out what was wrong instead of straight to the not so quick and not very likely to work fix.

On top of that TB doesn't really want to do IVF, he's always said he didn't, he thinks its 'unnatural' and I cant disagree with him but no I feel like I don't have a choice if this is all they will offer us. So then if we do go ahead with it it will all be on me and I'll have basically bullied him into it. I have been crying on and off since we got out of there, feel shit that I've made him feel guilty and pretty hopeless that I will ever win a baybee. At least he's gone to work now so I can have a proper ball. I;m off to the pit to do unspeacable things to Tom and have a ball on unspeakable in cincos arms :( :( :(

sorry don't know what happened to that last sentence :S spell check does weird things on this laptop sometimes....

Oh Rocket

I'm not sure what to say so I'm going to sit here with you for a minute passing you vodka and tissues while I think.