30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Gah, busted - I am sort of stealth 2WOOFLing, ski and Loz.

Not sure what's wrong with me this month - I'm just sort of over the whole thing, really. I mean - obviously not really - I don't know. I do want a baybee, of course I do. But I feel like I've let myself get absurdly fretful and sort of consumed by it all, and when all our tests results came back A-OK I thought, see? You dopey cow. Nowt wrong with you a lot of shagging won't fix.

So yes: I can't summon up the energy to 2WOOFL. Maybe it's just that I'm completely preoccupied with my studies, and work is mental, and The Big Family Ishoo is occupying a lot of my headspace just now, and so there doesn't seem to be space for the menkul.

ANYWAY. Facts are these: 5 shags at high and peak times, going by CBFM, with pre-seed stuff. Am on D21 of average 22D cycle. Normally would have pretty painful buzwams by now, and would start spotting tomorrow, so we'll see. I did ovulate quite late so suspect my cycle will be longer this time (I do have the odd 28 dayer), in which case tit-ache and spotting won't start for a few days.

Meh. That's all: MEH.

Disclaimer: my lassitude in NO WAY affects my ability to get groin-achingly menkul over the 2WOOFLs of others

Average 25 day cycle, sorry.

Stealth WOOFLing has been known to be Highly Effective y'know. Worked for me, drom and scorp....

And also BESHstudies have revealed a correlation between any 'fuckit I won't never get a baybee' type sad outbursts in run up to anticipated droid and ensuing diffment (cf poopy, scorps again...)

Just sayin'

Gin speaks wise words. I used a cunning combo of stealth 2WOOFLing and baybee-futility to get my win, although this level of ESH magick should only undertaken by professionals like myself I think as a 3-yr Master of the Dark TTC Arts, LOLZ is well-placed to try something similar

But you see, I am not even doing the fuckit baby-futility thing. I'm honestly eerily calm. Nice if I get diffed, OK if I don't - I quite enjoy my hard-drinking heavy-smoking ways, you know? It's not deliberate stealthing - I was genuinely surprised to discover I was nearing the end of a cycle and hadn't thought about it much.

Am most alarmed by this laissez-faire attitude. Not me at all.

Suspect basically comes down to inarguable fact that I get very bored very quickly, and maybe I've just got tired of driving myself insane with cigaring and whatnot.

'course, if no spotting come Monday I'll probably be in a complete state, but for now I feel like I've been given a tamazepam cocktail with a beta-blocker chaser

I intend to focus aaaaaaaaaalllll my diverted menkulism in one direction, and one only

Nah head the fuckit aaaargh thing was for lozza, tho the stealth bit was for you both.

I work with a combo of stealth, late nights and hard drinking if you remember. Which may slightly ring some bells...

Ps I like being called wise. It happens very rarely...

Hello BESHes. Have returned from t'Motherland where I was being Mothered by my, er, Mother. Twas ok and she didn't drive me too mental. On the plus side the bleeding has now completely gone away and I feel less homicidal which prob means hormones are in remission. Also called in my friends on way back (she was my NCT buddy) and I totally managed to snuggle her 14 weeks old baybee with no crying or anything. She had a mc first pg so we had a good old chat too.

Mr GG has some champion news. He has swung his transfer so as of end Sept won't be working away midweek any more. Hurrah!

Might even attempt teh secks ce soir. Going to have plenty vino first as suspect this one might be a bit emotionally charged.

Anyhoo, Cass sorry you had some sad news but as I was casually skim reading I thought sometyhing had happened to YOU directly and am v glad it didn't.

HB I envy your zenlike calm.

Lozza when are you going to pee on the stick then?

Scorps feeling shit is good. The shitter the better. I started feeling ok about a week before the world came crashing down. I am hoping for many shitty/sicky feelings for you (you know what I mean!)

Evening BESHies.

Will catch up.

I have worked like a bastard this week.

Pliz to make me some sort of enormous drug laced cocktail?

Is not really admirable calm or anyfink LadyG: I have literally just realised I have nothing to complain about and should HTFU I think.

Good evening hagletties. You are not very verbose lately, which suits me just fine as my time has been preshos this week. And it has been a fucking crappy shitty cunting week. Weirdly the hangover today wasn't the worst thing, even with all of you baniging in my ear. Though I think I looked like I was crying in the office.

Cass I am sorry about your shite news.

HeadBanner somehow in my life grown ups always behave that way. As a matter of fact, it's part of the crapness of my week. Must be me.

Lozza I ain't waiting no more.

Droid is 2 days late. Which probably just means that I was to stressed to droid.

That was a bit disconnected, wasn't it Banger? Did your friend respond?

Hello my sweet sweet BESHies, probably a bit late to be rejoining the party ce soir and I've totally confused myself by reading half of the thread in work, a snippet in my friends house earlier and the rest of it backwards from the top. But I think I need to welcome newb cosmicnaughty, thank goddesslyra for my welcome back and get ready to bundle lozzer and squish her til she pees. Also hoping twinks has a restful break but doesn't stay away too long, ask BB how the miners are doing? and LadyG if you are trying to build up iron then Spatone is quite good. Is in naturally occuring mineral water so you don't have to take a shit load to absorb a bit like tablets which can bung you up a bit.

Also want to congratulate cinco on getting on the course, I will get to the back of the queue for the tastings tho as I have eaten my own body weight in delicious french goodies this week :S The trip wasn't as bad as I expected but pretty exhausting. Paris is smelly and dirty and mostly full of rude people but then the odd one ends up being lovely and the food was AMAZE. So not all bad apart from slightly inconvenient train strikes and bomb hoaxes. Did I mention the food was lovely?

Sorry if I missed anyone or anything important, I seem to be a bit food jet lagged.

hey mountie sorry you are having a crapola week. Droid is late? I am adding you to the list of people to bundle? (along with pencilhead)

salty m'dear would you like a blackberry shnapps, a raspberry gin or a combination of the two - no drugs I;m afraid but I could crush up some pregnacare and spike it with that?

apols for clutterfuckposting like a loon. realise i hadn't refreshed enough.

Welcome back, and I hope you did not eat just HealthyFood.

Hoppity you iz LATE?? Acksherly late?? POAFS, pronto!

Fat chance, literally. It would appear the French do not make food which does not contain vast amount of either butter, cream or cheese.

He, he, cheerz Lyra, but had hopes up before. And like I said, stressful week. Thought I did wonder whether to POAS and kill all hope (as is bound to be the case) or risk continuing drink / smoke debauchery.

Salad skinny fuckers.

hopon I know, its all the fag chuffing and coffee/booze hosing they do. In fact if the medical profession are to believed the French should have died out by now as they would have been incapable of procreation.

oh and POAFS!!!!

Ha, ha, you are so right! Ciggies is one thing they do soooo much more of.

Legless in the great tradition of the BESH, you must get bladdered with bangers, smoke and drink until you fall over and then test the next day. This guarantees you a positive.

Is there a BESH meet up in that there London toon tomorrow? (How did I miss this vital piece of info.) Ooh it must surely end in instadiff for you both, the Tao decrees it is so.