30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

bangbangsheshotmedown - a BESH colleague has laid 5 in the last 6 years. She's 42 (at least!) and struggled with bulimia all her adult life and she works 45 hours a week plus and her mum lives in Israel so she's not palming them off on her mum. She's a bit of a superhero really. And she's a size cunting 10. And nice.

she's great thanks banger. Kind of wish she had not learned to shout though .

Yes, I have had RA since I was 16. Delayed TTC because of drucks and shiz was pretty much they reason I felt at home among this bunch of misfits these lovely ladies. Does sound like an injury, but if it goes on, please to be seeing doctor. My first symptom all those years ago was slightly swollen and stiff top thumb joints, but it escalated pretty quickly. Happy to hear your MIL remains so active despite it. I have only had one set of operations thus far (both feet). I like hearing about older women who just don't let it get in the way. I certainly don't. Thought it very odd when my consultant asked who was driving me this week. Myself, of course! pffffff, men!

anyhoo, must go and find some thrilling diet food and try not to dribble over Domestic Sluttery any more

Lots of love, shin kicks and deep throated tonguey snogs all round

• you're ready to go again ski? That's amaze. Also makes me feel a bit better, I mean it obviously can't be all that bad then, can it?

I've put in an order for OMG!!!TWINZ!!11!! Firstly I reckon I'm too old to recover from 1 baybee to start again and secondly I'm such a wimp I seriously doubt I'd go through it a second time anyway. So OMGTWINZ if you pliz Jebus. Thanking you kindly.

head ah, novelty pished injury, is it? In that case you could've put your pinky anywhere.........

Time for one last round of Pimms before we break out the warming brandy?

Ah - have lovely image of a very vocal wee thing!

Am awful sorry to hear you have RA. My experience with the MIL has taught me two things: a) it's really not nice, and b) it's far from being the life sentence people seem to make out it is. I mean, bear in mind her treatment and ops started in the early 60s, you can imagine it was all rather ham-fisted and unsophisticated. But last month, she only bloody came to our flat up a flight of stairs! We couldn't believe it - she walked down some of them, barely made a complaint. My Dad makes more fuss and there ain't nothing wrong with him. So yeah, it never stopped her doing owt, including going down Austrian salt mines and bagging a husband 9 years younger than her . FANKS for concern: I will keep an eye on it.

Ski how can you bear to be in this paragon's company for more than 5 minutes at a stretch?! Couldn't she at least have the decency to be a cow?

How you feeling Laurie

laurie haha 'course it's not that bad - although I'm going for the cut & shut sunroof option again next time. I'm trying to ignore the 7 months of nausea... trying to ignore the fact I still had ms the day I gave birth... trying to ignore the fact I was still vommiting as they stitched me up in theatre... Yes, totally fucking worth it - I haven't slept through the night since the end of June, I've had massive rows with jailbait (just last night asked him to leave) - and I can't wait to do it all again!

You can definitely have OMGTWINZ!11!Lol! - we only have two sets so far (cheggers and cerubina) - we're definitely due more as a law of averages - and what with BESHes supposedly popping out eggs a go-go.

banger - well... um. I could think of 3 unkind things to say about her which are bitchy and pointless and related to 3 things over which she has no control - so that's no good is it? Maybe she drowns kittens for kicks?

fanks ladies.

Now you've got me learning Welsh! Hadn't even realised that cwtch was a word and not a random string of letters (what is it with Welsh and vowels?), so looked it up and found this definition which I love (the top one). Welsh people can tell me whether that's actually accurate, but I think it paints a great picture.

So I can add in sending cwtches to Cass in particular and anyone else in need.

Oh that is LUFFLY Ox! Pliz to some Welshlady tell me how to pronounce ?

is lovely isn't it. There's a v charming restaurant called Cwtch in St David's, Pembrokeshire. I recommend it.

somewhere between cutch and cootch, I think. But I not Welsh

I wonder if we get coochi-coo from it (cutch)?

Awww, COOCHI-COOCHI-COO! Do oo know what teh word means, ickle BESHy-Weshies? Do oo? You is very clever girls, yes you are, YES you are!

Off on holidays, I hope to come back to much duffage!

Am slightly cheered by accidentally stumbling across my dog's modelling debut on the internet here - we were walking her one day and they were taking photos to advertise the New Forest so borrowed her for a minute!

I'd like to say it's me in the tiny denim shorts, but it would be a LIE, readers.

My arse is MUCH smaller than that

Sorry, rubbish link. She's the 5th image down on the right

Hello!

Ski I seem to have ignored your request for a banana sundae in Rabaiotti's - sounds lubberly. But pliz to have a sparkler in the top & not a piss stick.

You had such a rough time with MS, didn't you?

Head seeing as you ask, & seeing as I'm rubbish at stealth 2WOOLFing, my list of made up symptoms are - vay tired, norks feel heavy (the boyf has kindly offered to be on nork watch & feel the weight on them), bizarre timed pant snot & nausea. But hang on, before you get all excited about that I've just been dealing with a plumber regarding a God awful drain smell in our office kitchen & had to watch him stick his nose right into the drain. My lunch nearly re-appeared on his head.

Being 100% Welsh I can confirm that a cwtch is an affectionate hug. There's lovely . We have a little bar in Cardiff Bay in a basement called Cwtch Bar - I love it, especially in the winter.

And as a Welshy I would ask pliz not to judge us on Gavin "twat" Henson. Thanking you pliz.

laurie You can have a sparkler, then we're going for a bracing walk along the beach and when we get to the mudflats I'm going to make you POAS or leave you there. As for Mr. GH, one of our PESHlets knows him veh well - judge away!

bangbang Are you 2WOOFLING?

Ooooooh, Loz-Watch is gearing up to be as exciting as Muser-Watch was. We all knew, we all hoped and... TA-DA!

Soz, don't want to get your hopes up, as I know that can be worse than no-one caring, but am quietly doing an excited Nekkid Dance of Hope in the corner here for you

Cwtch does also mean little cupboard type this, but this isn't as nice as the first meaning. So for this purpose a cwtch is a hug!

I believe I'm not the only Welshy here oh starsign one.............

Ski, you CANNOT drop juicy hints like that and leave. SPILL, woman!

A PESH? & GH? Well, game over. I thought BESH / PESH / FESH had better taste than that.

Hmmpf!

Head Pls say you're 2WOOLFING too. I don't want to be the only twat one.

Thanks scorps. I can but hope. In the meantime, I can eat Crunchies.

I have been terribly indiscrete and should stfu toot sweet. 'Tis not what you're thinking, but he was until very recently "famlee" if you get my drift...

So, Charlotte church is a pesh. Has obv been lying about her age and ability to conceive. Mystery solved :)

stew sorry you're having such a sad day.

lorry i can't say anything that is not menkul-provoking but I am thinking of you and I have various bits crossed...

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I don't think we've given RocketRocket a very good welcome back.

WELCOME BACK ROCKETROCKET!