30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

I am drunk too. And I hadn't caught up on the fred either. I am also crying. Who was it that pissed-posted recently? I am hoping people will find this as amusing . Rie has got my number now too. And tomorrow won't be fun on a hangover.

On the brighter side: are dandruff and constipation signs of diffment?

Don't cry HopMount. You are shortly to meet MEEEEEE. Shall we try and out-woe each other? I just texted you actually!

As for constipation, that is certainly something I have heard. Dunno about the dandruff. What does everyone think about a very small appetite and nausea? I thought that a very BIG appetite and nausea were Teh Signs. And I also (sorry to those I am about to meet) have The Rage, mainly with people who sniff and make noises in their throats. Drives me WILD it does. I hope I don't get a sniffer on the train. I would have to batter them.

Oh, bugger, dunno where my phone is, will check it in a mo. Busy scaring CH with smudged mascara. You would definitely make my day if you beat up a sniffer on the way to meet me! Who says Londoners are unfriendly.

Ok, I made some (pissed) attempt to catch up. Drome, yes pliz to provide vitamins that would make spunk run for its life.

LozzaLozzaLou if it's droid, I'll kick in it's tin bollocks. If it's not, we'll negotiate.

Who is When? A noob, or some namechanged hag?

Clegg? Where is Clegg? Sorry, still think he is yummy even if ConDem.

Rie you iz diffed, but pliz not to test b4 Saturday so you can drink make sure your baybee has enough vitamin B.

I am sure I missed out loads of things, but hey, smootches, gropes, and violence mucho to all.

good moaning hags, just running in to distribute pain au chocolat, fromage and absinthe. I hope all is well. I am going to attempt to catch up over the course of the day so hope everyone is ok, more specific comments to follow ce soir. jusqu'à plus tard, mes sorcières radiantes.

Morning BESHlets. I've been lured in by the pain au chocolat - thanks salad

Still no droid or otherwise. I will STFU now.

How long is this week? Its never going to end.............

laurie We can meet for a banana sunday at Rabaiotti's if you like. I'll bring the piss stick for you.

cho Pliz to have this shiny new picture of me

Why was everyone drunk last night? Or more to the point, why was I sober & changing door handles?

HOW ARE THE HANGOVERS HAGS?

Laurie I am saying nothing. Except I wasn't pissed either.

I just emailed my Ancient Work Crush to try and allay the painful embarrassment that surfaces every time the poor old sod lays eyes on me. In retrospect perhaps I should have done this when fully sober and not weeping with headache...

I wasn't drunk but I was making sloe gin. It is now festering in a cupboard soemwhere. Was there some sort of covert BESHmeet last night? Can we expect multiple instadiffments aplenty now? Pleeeeease can we have some more diffedness over the weekend? Tis exciting.

Cass you made me literally Laugh Out Loud at the tale of the tear jerking Moussaka. Was it a particularly sad and dejected Moussaka?

MORNING!!!!

Oh, the moussaka. It's so pathetic I can't bear it. It was the school dinners menu at the school Minihotpot will prob go to, I was looking at admissions info and got distracted (by food, surprise surprise) - anyway, twas the fort of him being big enough to totter round a dining hall with a tray with a mini portion of moussaka and eat it without me helping that got me. Iz most stupid reason anyone has ever cried. Factoid.

I am subdued this morning. Have heard on FB that a really REALLY lovely man I used to work with has died, and also that my friend has had her 2nd miscarriage. Am v and and again this morning.

Hmm.

Cass sorry about your friends, how awful.

So sorry about your news Cass :(.

Moussakagate made me both laff and cry.

HB, why are you emailing AWC? To tell him you love him/don't love him? Either way, stoppit. I feel guilty that we all ignored/mocked your pinkie crisis yesterday, because I read this in bed last night. So get thee to the doc please.

Oh cass sorry to hear your news

Oh no no noes Lyra, quite the reverse! We get on awfully well, and we had a drink a while back to talk about my Existential Crisis, and he was 'mazing. Gave really brilliant advice etc. Was super. He then emailed in a quite surprisingly personal way about how much it had meant to him, and I didn't reply, not thinking there was much need. But since then it has been pitifully awkward, as if he feels idiotic for having been so open & nice and then not getting a response. And we have to see each other at meetings and instead of the old jolliness and chat it's excruciating. Well that can't go on, so I thought maybe I'd just try and make it all nice and normal again. Argh, we'll see. Funny thing is one never expects the very grown up to behave like that

Thanks for the link (I think!). A close family member is absolutely ruined by rheumatoid - it's a vicious, cruel disease - so I'm quite alert to it. I'll keep an eye on it but I think it's more likely I whacked it without realising and it's still bruised and swollen.

Cass the moussaka made me tear up!

Oh Cass, sorry I didn't see that - how terribly sad, and what a shock

oh dear, Cass, so sorry to hear that.

Medee, how DARE you suggest it was my idea that you tap-dance all over HB's hangover, you sick freak!

Cass, so very, very sorry to hear about your friends. Never rains but it pours, eh? Makes us all realise how precious life is And I understand why you cried over the moussaka - made me feel a bit moist in the ocular region too, when explained.

Yeah, I can do tender, deal with it, slaaags!

Lozza, I am pulling on some boxing gloves and eyeing up your lower back. You know what I mean.

PS Have good feeling about this, Louny

Morning BESHlets and my most sincere apologies for my prolonged absence this week, I come bearing gifts in penance

Just come to watch medee dance

HB As BESH queen of rheumatoid I request news of your pinkie? (Must say, that link painted a very scary picture Lyra. I shall now ignore )

cass I am so sorry about your friends. Can I follow truff and give you a big hug. (Am sorry I don't know the Scottish word for it when the Welsh have the lovely cwtch)

I've always been very envious of tap-dancers. I can't even do a fucking step class I'm so uncoordinated. Everyone else goes clockwise, I'm going anti-clockwise with my arms in the air. On a good day!

I'm easing myself back in to BESH as I'm taking folic acid in preparation for baby-making.

Hey CurlyWurly . How's your bonnie bairn?

Why are you Rheumatoid queen pliz? Is it something you haz? My MIL has had it since she was 27. She is 70 now and despite having had about 20 operations is quite a lot more lively and fun and active than most 70 year olds with nowt wrong with them.

It's just a bit red on the second joint (the one in the middle not at the end). My colleagues said it looks puffy but I'm not sure. It doesn't hurt all the time, just aches if I bend it all the way (not if I just do it a little bit). I play the piano and type all day so it might be wear and tear, but I rarely if ever use that one. Weird! Still reckon I banged it & don't remember doing it probably whilst pissed

Yay and @ Ski retuning to the BESHflock! (I secretly believe I shall churn out 3 in 4 years. Is that even biologically possible ?)