30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Head do you pick your nose with your little finger?

Do you want another menkal inducing story?

Only on Sundays Loz...

Yes pliz BB

Same as Drom's on my win month...period turned up, put in tampon, removed a few hours later in pristine state and positive the next day. Sorry Loz I know that's not helping.

So Bangers have you had this finger looked at? Want me to have a whack on it with a mallet to see if that will help?

Oh Lozza. We love you. And we await with held breath...

Oh Lozza. I really really hope you get good news soon.

Everything is crossed.

Come and play with me. I am Making Plans.

Love you Loz. If it's any consolation, I am on CD25 and my gusset is fecking me around too.

DO25, eh? I tested on DPO27 Lozza, am crossing everything so much that this bleed follows the way of Drom and DollSnatch that I am pretzellated beyond all human possibility and may have to call the fire brigade out.

I told Needles Lady today! She was soooo happy for me! I also mentioned that 'my online pal who lives locally' went to see her yesterday morning and she said, 'oooh yes, I know who you mean, she was lovely. She was quite like you, I can see why you get on' Everybody loves our Cinco! I slipper her an extra tenner to get you a win by Hallowe'en (if I could really, I soooo would).

Rie, what plans are these? A range of novelty scary t-shirts featuring your mangled lurgy face?

HB, sounds like all that genteel lifting of the little finger when sipping tea from bone china is taking its toll on you...

Actually Scorps my face is almost back to normal. Actually

But how can anyone tell, Aries? [innocent face]

It's a good point, despite your very clear insult. No one will be able to tell. They'll think I look like this always.

I'm going out now. Hope you won't miss me too much. Lorry

Thanks for building the menkal positive stories. Am refusing to get hopes up.........

Also my usual (HAH) cycle length was about 32 days, so a long way before POAS yet.

laurie Can I assist you with menkulling in any way? I really hope you can join the MAD! In land of BESH, everyone wins a baybee. I had no blood so cannot assist in that way. But I did cry at an episode of Taggart.

I just cried at a school dinner menu.

In fact, more specifically (and shamefully) it was at a photograph of moussaka on said school dinner menu.

For FUCK'S sake.

Cass for FUCKS's sake indeed

Ski was thinking about you earlier - see Jamies & Jools Oliver have stolen your baby name - Bear! How very dare they.

Am revising with half an eye on the Nick Clegg webchat on here at the moment. Anyone else in it? It is very uneventful so far... it's my first one. Was hoping for a bit more cut & thrust

Bear? I thought it was Buddy?

I jokingly suggested Bear as a baby name to Mr.S the other day and he nearly crashed the car. He's a traditionalist, my ManStew

I'm sure Buddy can cry himself to sleep on a pile of fifties... poor wee love.

laurie They also stole my dog name. Poppy.

Buddy Bear Maurice is the name of a bearded retarded giant from the 1940s who accidentally murders people by hugging them too tightly.

I'm drunk. And my head hurts. Aries you got my number

Snogs to Loz