30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Minor Farm-related* correction - Quince cheese. Not damson cheese. Am v.tired and confused.

Drom Full marks for the phrase 'cupboard full of dried woo"

Thanks again (so much for buggaring off).

Drom thanks for the offer. To be honest, I'm not sure what to do for the best at the moment. Bombard my body with every TTC myth / medically proven thing, or just go au natrel & ignore the lot.

head your kind words started to make me cry. Until you mentioned me & grace in the same sentence. I've never been called graceful, & for good reason. If anyone does anything stoopid / cack-handed / novelty injury in my family its called "doing-a-laurie". I have been known to fall into someone's garden whilst sober wearing flat trainers on a perfectly flat pavement. So thankyou for your kindness & from dragging me back from the edge of the pit.

You're all pretty fab, you know that?

No, YOU'RE fab, Lozza You're so thoughtful, funny, caring, kind (and gorgeous) and yes, full of grace. It breaks my heart that you've had to put up with 3 yrs of this shit. It's precisely because you're so graceful that you've coped with this, just keeping on keeping on and not giving up. And you don't even moan a lot! You're a bloody hero. Big luffs

Thanks scorps. Think the boyf may guffaw at me not moaning a lot .

I'm not really very good at buggaring off, am I?

Screech, scrape, whine....Here Lozza pop yourself into the Heath Robinson type harness and lower yourself a couple of thousand feet under the Earth's crust. I'll let you out when I've had my wicked way with you when you feel better. I would have thought flu jab was ok to get while TTC. 3 years at the coal face of TTC is horrendous.

LorettaLynn I reckon you should have some nice quiet time and decide what you feel like doing. If you want to bombard with random herbs, the offer's open whenever.

Right, am now in utter meltdown.

I feel I have accepted your kind words under false pretenses. I plodded off the ladies with a heavy heart & handbag full of tampons. Droid has gone . Previous tampon clean, pristine white. As you long timers know, I don't do spotting.

I knew booking the flu jab would cause chaos.

So, I'm going to quietly accept the hot water bottle, definitely the chocolate martini, hair strokes & all other acts of lesbot love. And sit quietly rocking.

Pliz to direct me to the mental ward of The Palais.

Honestly Laurie, quite frequently I have felt thoroughly ashamed of myself for being self-pitying and stroppy when you and Lyra, in particular, have been so stoic and sweet-natured and never, ever done anything but support and encourage everyone. So there. But I won't go on, because I don't want to be responsible for more tears and I am verging on the sentimental .

In other news, does anyone know why, for the last 2 months, the joint in my little finger has hurt and is now red and swollen ? It's arthritis, isn't it. I'm getting old .

Aries my darling how is your beautiful face?

Cass, what news of your studies, you clever creature?

Shin-kicks to the rest of you.

Er. Laurie, chick. How much bleeding did you have? Was it heavy, clotty, deffo period bleeding? When it did start? How many days?

Is it long distance Clara with the hospital appointment tomorrow? Good luck with it and don't be scared!

Lozza have you POAS? Or would it fule the mental too much?

LAURIE! Come back at once!

PS. Salty Shoes! Show them to me.

Bangers is your pinkie hurting from drinking lots of tea with said pinkie sticking out?

And WTF Jools Oliver has had ANOTHER baby! Surely her last one was only about three months ago. Will stop cluster posting now.

Don't fink so Barbican. I grip the mug like a constipated builder.

Laurie don't make me come and find you...

I sound like a thick teenager without the first idea what my body does. Actually, I'm worse, I'm a thick 38 year old who should know better

OK, this is what happened. I went to the loo earlier today & there was a fair old smudge of blood when I wiped. No clots or owt. This is exactly what happens when droid arrives. So I scuttled back to desk to grab bag, shoved the old tampon in & plodded back to desk to cry & complain to my lubberly BESH's.

Then, when I decided the time had come for a change & freshen up the tampon was clear. No smudge on wiping either.

I'm currently on CD25. Pliz not to ask how many DPO, I have long since given up trying to fathom out when my body does what.

Nope, not POAS. No. Never. You can't make me.

I'll have another chocolate martini though....

Loz Do you want an encouraging story? Or would that make you insane?

I am storming self-importantly around the boards to point out that Jools Oliver is, in fact, a FESH and we should be kind - three out of four of their babies were concieved with Clomid and she has PCOS...

Oh yes I'm glad she's able to have them but honestly she seemed to only have the last one a few weeks ago.

In that case lozz I would sit on your hands for a few days and see what happens. And drink copious chocolate martinis if that helps of course.

Ggngngngngnnnnnnnn Loz I am just going to sit on my hands because otherwise I will fuel the menkul and it Doesn't Help.

Drom I'm already insane as all my posts today will testify. So all stories welcome.

I'll just sit tight, drink chocolate martinis & NOT Google or buy PG tests.

I'm so about my thicko twat behaviour. And this is after I'd decided to go quietly under the radar wrt menkalling, as it worked for scorps.

Lozza I don't want to add to the menkul either, but having concluded I don't have the energy to do hoping for myself at the moment I'm going to do hoping for you instead. So very much hoping.

Do not succumb to the menkul, Lozza , and ignore HBPencil

HB put them there entrails down and embark upon this mojito instead.

Ok. Menkul-inducing story.

About four months ago, on about CD19, I went to the loo and discovered that I was almost covered in blood. Not just spotting, bright red, watery blood. I thought this had to be my usual pre-period warning light, bunged the mooncup in and thought nothing more of it.

But when I removed the mooncup, there was nada.

Then - and this bit is key in knowing things were different - there was no spotting. I made it to CD29 and tested and the rest is history...