30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

well, the next bit is all about the 'dorsal horn' so I think we can safely extrapolate much lewdness from that, if nothing else...

I suspect you of cheating.

But here, have first go on me anyway.

fuck it. Googled the wrong feckin thing.

Am so sorry, I meant decussate. I can't even remember how to spell words for three nano seconds, this is Not Good.
I think your big long word is the the feeling you get the morning after you realise you've drunk too much grappa, and passed out on the bar stool, and now have the imprint of the round beer mat on your head, and a stiff neck, and you need a chiropractor, and that's why you need to know it.

Even my sense of humour is listless this evening.

You lot are SO FUNNY

I have just braved Tesco's. Apart from scaring a small boy when I loomed above him to grab some raspberries, I don't think anyone was too revolted by me. I just look like a slightly battered wife now. MrA didn't want to be seen with me in case he was assumed to be the culprit.

Cass, if I still have a spine that needs cracking in 2013 and I come to you, will I get Mates' Rates? Go on, I'll give you a snog. Plus you can assess the spine on me - I'm told it's quite unusual. Dammit, you should be paying me.

12pt , as always, your pain would be my pleasure

mwahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.....

Cass do I suspect that MN is providing a good distraction from revision young lady? I like the sound of your horn though...

In case you're wondering - tis I, the floral one. I got bored impatient the other day and changed it.

"The somatosensory cortex (Primary) has 4 cytoarchitectual areas - 3b, 3a, 5 and 7"

WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK??? Who, upon naming the four areas of something, ANYTHING, eschews the traditional 1,2,3 and 4 and instead goes for 3b, 3a, 5 and 7?!?!?!?!? These people are just trying to Mess With The Stew.

The world is going to hell in an incorrectly labelled handbasket.

Dorsal horn indeed, phnarr :)

Is fecking ridiculous. CBFM says Peak. Husband says "I'm tired, not tonight."

Why am I bloody bothering?

Floral one who? Am thick today. Clues pliz.

salty - 2013 you say?

Floral, floral, floral.... No, we're going to need more. Cass's head is full of neuro-stuff, I have an allergic face and can therefore be excused everything, and Plop is just dead thick, I'm afraid.

Agreed Cass. Completely bollocks labelling. That person should be SHOT.

Cass yes the world is going to-pot with labels like that. What were they thinking?! Certainly doesn't help your cause does it. Power of the BESH to you.

I cannot think of a nice, easy clue - it's too early in the morning I'm afraid. Would 'Phaleonopsis' help?

Aha!

Orchid tis you :)

And hurrah for random plant name clues.

Ariel have you deflated yet?

Of COURSE! Orchid, sorry Whenisitmyturn (that's a bugger to write out by the way, so something must be done about that).

Face is going down, thankfully, just the vestiges of a black eye remain.

Now stop being amusing you lot, it's difficult trying to sulk when I'm laughing.

Most important thing saltstain please linky to these shoes. If I child thinks they are ugly they sound right up my street. I once bought a pair and showed them to Mr Beaver. When asked why no opinion was forthcoming he exclaimed "well I've never seen anything like those before".

MeatyStew I did Neurology at Uni but I'll be bugggered if I can remember much of it due to the copious drugs I took.

Nice new name ThereIsASeasonTurnTurnTurn.

Rie sorry for the allergy hell. I thought you wrote "Apart from scaring a small boy when he was trying to grab my raspberries". I had an operation on my front teeth and my upper lip swelled up so much I looked like a Duck Billed Platypus.

StepUptotheOche thanks kindly for the goodies. That sounds like a tough night out. You have a good snivel love, I would have done the same.

Ohhhhh, I geddit now. I'm rubbish at clues.

Aries glad your face is going down. Any ideas what caused it? Sounds nasty.

There are some sick, sick bastards out there. I've decided to try & get up close & personal with my cervix. So I decided to have a look around t'interweb for clues.

Didn't really look at site name as I pressed "go".

Then I saw, "Free pack of good luck babydust with every purchase".

Apparently your cervix also takes on more of a blue tinge at some point in the month. How the fuckety fuck does that help? If I got that up close & personl cass would have her work cut out clicking me back into shape.

So all in all, I think I'll just leave my cervix to its own devices.

Question: I've just received letter from GP about flu jab (no, I'm not over 60, I have asthma). I haven't had jab for last years due to TTC. Even the bloody nurse didn't know whether it was safe or not, so I opted not to bother.

I've then had flu & pleurosy (sp?) the last 3 years, which has been lubberly.

So, in the interest of tempting fate & not spending the equivalent of my mortgage on lemsip, shall I have jab this year?

I wish I'd thought about it last week to ask at FC.

I sometimes wonder if I'm OTT regarding what I should & shouldn't do. Loads of women go about their everyday life then suddenly find out they're diffed.

Group violence with rotten fish to all so we match Rie with black eyes.

I awake from my trance to find Score's wonderous news. Congratumalations!

The apostrophes seem to be jumping around.
Must have drunk too much gin.
Sorry.

Droid arrived. That is all.

Another 24 day cycle . Used to reach the dizzy heights of 32 days. I have no idea what the fuck is going on.

So, I had CD22 bloods taken to see progesterone level - what does this mean? Another fecking call to FC.

I think I've reached my limit. Can't do this anymore. Do I get a prize for enduring 3 years?

Lorry Nothing useful to say apart from I know what you're going through. Never had a cycle that played ball, would never do the same thing twice and I used to feel so completely betrayed by the one thing in life that's supposed to take care of itself without being led by the hand.

Your CD22 bloods may show something, if only that prog levels aren't where they should be x days after ovulation (I presume you did ovulate?) So the dockers might add this to the list and do something useful with it.

Ignore if a nuisance question, but have you tried taking agnus castus and vitamin B6? It might help with things, I think it did go some way with me to make cycle a bit more predictable.

Now go and wrap yourself up with this fake fur throw in the pit and we'll keep you supplied with hot chocolates and shoulder rubs.

Oh Lorry

Aw Lorry :( Am so sorry, tis utterly shit and rotten and you deserve better :( You should get Luella as a prize, surely, if we can prise her off Scorpulent .

Flu jabs are given to pregnant women so surely they should be okay for TTC women and a good thing? NHSDirectFail might know but will probably recommend you ask your GP instead.

Farmergirl I also have made damson cheese. I have not eaten any yet but it looks like it's set harder than a sugary, quincey rock so might be interesting to get out of the jar (I had nothing else to put it in).

I am at your surfeit of damsons, I've had a sod of a time finding them this year. Have been foraging in hedgerows and everything.

Dollbits v.glad to hear of cheeringness, there is nothing that a shipment of gin won't improve IMHO.

I am in a better mood today as following Mr Shoes' proclamation that he was too knackered to shag last night, I think he realised that I was on the verge of weeping at him and decided it would be better for all concerned if he summoned the energy. It was the crappest shag ever and I love him for it. CBFM says peak today too but I am ignoring it.

Erotiviolence and feffing of buzzwams all round.

Thanks ladeez.

At least I can arrange flu jab. Seeing as I can't seem to manage diffment.

Think I'll buggar off for a bit - don't want to infect you all with my miseries....

LorryMyLove I'm so sorry about the droid. It all sucks and is very wearing. I have a whole heap of random herbs that I was taking to try and help my cycle do useful things and lower FSH and similar - would you like any of them? I can offer you Black Cohosh, Ginseng and many other random bits and pieces.

Which reminds me, Legless, if you're lurking - I have a couple of jars of wheatgrass which will go off by February next year, which is probably too early for me to be thinking of hopping back on the TTC wagon, given I will hopefully be giving birth at that stage of play. I also have the remains of some pycgenol (sp? can't be bothered to look it up). Might they be off interest to your bloke.

Basically, I have a cupboard full of dried woo, which I'd like to get rid of to deserving homes. Along with a copy of the Infertility Cure. Any takers?

I'm so sorry Laurie . I feel so desperately sad for you I won't even try to write something helpful, because I know it takes a little while to recover from each babyfail and I have no idea how you have maintanied such unending grace and kindness to everyone else over the last few months. XXX

Lorry :(

I think our bodies do this on purpose to mess with our heads. Do you know when you ovulated? In which case is it a short LP or just ovulating very early? Can you call up the FC with a list of questions and make them answer them?