30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Fuckitinabucket, my revision's not going well.

Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllppppp

Aries that sounds no fun at all. Here's hoping it's a diffed symptom that disappears very fast.

Cass I'm clearly doing my pelvic floor exercises all wrong and missing out on much excitement. Pliz to explain what I should be doing.

Hello to new people I've forgotten to greet, I didn't mean to ignore you, I've just got no brain at the moment and keep meeting new people in real life and immediately forgetting their names so have no hope in here.

I thought about lowering myself down too but concluded I have too much to get done - why does work have to interfere with life? Went for a girls night out with a couple of friends last night which was lovely but full of baby chat (which I expected), plus pregnancy announcement (which I also sort of expected and am very pleased about but still :( at the same time. Came home and cried which is most unlike me.

What are you revising stewpot? Anything anatomical we can help you with?

Oh, meant to say Scorps don't you dare scarper off to the deli and forget to tell us all about things like how uncle and ILs react when you announce diffedness. We need to know! Yucky stuff like morning sickness we'll let you keep in the deli, but general gossip needs to be here please .

(Also hello to noobs, sorry. Brain death)

Speaking of which, do you know anything about neurology Ocky ? OR might you look anything like me and be prepared to be my stand in? Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that.....

I'm sorry about your evening last night. There seems to be little rhyme or reason as to the days when you can cope with stuff like that and the days when it unexpectedly gets you, or at least that's what I found.

Well, I don't know what I'm doing wrong, pelvic floor wise, but I just can't do them unless I have time to spare !! Count yourself lucky if you CAN - I'll be wearing tena lady by my forties, probably...

Sounds to me like you're doing something right! I can cheerfully do them whenever, but never remember to so will be joining you with the tena ladies. Maybe if they were more exciting I'd do them more often....

And I'm afraid I don't know much about neurology, and what I dis once know is probably too small scale to be much use to you. Can you persuade them to give you extra marks due to preggobrain?

I daren't disobey you, Ockers! Naw, I ain't buggering off, don't worry. Heart mah BESHies too much to abandon you. Reason for not posting is symptoms - v tired, nauseous and am having horrendous 'stretchy' womble cramps. But will shurrup about all that as am v grateful.

Won't be telling ILs and my wider family till after 12/13 wk scan, so you've got a while to wait.

I feel a bit guilty about everyone slagging off my Uncle, actually. Although he was v tactless and thoughtless, he wasn't being malicious in the slightest and was genuinely saying what he did because he loves kids, is all about family and he just speaks before he thinks. So please could everyone stop calling him Uncle Fucker? He is actually a nice man. I realise that I shouldn't have moaned about him if I didn't want everyone to flock to my defence and cheer me up, but hey ho.

Cass, All that noise must be making your revision and ms loads better Am now doing my pelvic floor exercises

Listless erotiviolence to all!

We'll wait expectantly! (or am I the only hopelessly nosy person round here?) I think what interests me about your uncle's reaction is not that I ever thought he was being malicious (although many other things), but because he seemed so very sure it would never happen! It will be good to know how he reacts to being proved wrong (I suspect very happily from what you've said).

Time seems to move differently round here - I keep forgetting that just because I know people are diffed that doesn't mean the rest of the real world does. The gap between finding out and it becoming public knowledge seems to go on forever (or no time at all, depending). Not that I can forget it was only last week for you Scorpy, but in a few weeks time I'll've lost track. If and when it happens to me I have no idea how I'll cope with that in between time.

Oh Oxsters, don't cry! Well, cry if you want - it's entirely up to you. We'll look after you. Cass, I know nothing of neurology, but if I can help, I will.

As for pelvic floors, I should practise more often. Don't know what I'll be like diffed or post-natal, but it's hard enough at the moment to hold onto wee!

Face is s-l-o-w-l-y subsiding. Phew.

Hey there lovely laydeeeeeees

My purple shoes arrived today. They are amazing. Although one of the lovely children at school said they were 'the ugliest shoes he'd ever seen'.

Hope the break helps you chill.

Glad the face is going down Rie.....

Ockers don't cry because you've just seen Rie's face! I think the thing about my Uncle is that he got married so young (21 and Aunt was 16 - NOT shotgun wedding!) and she had their first when they were 17 and 22, respectively, and all my cousins got married v young and knocked out the sprogs early too. The only experience he has of a BESH - except his own mother, durr - is my youngest cousin's wife who had loads of IVF and finally had their only child at about 36/37. So I think he sees it as something virtually impossible over a certain age. Also, he still thinks it's 1958. I know he will grovel outrageously when he finds out. I can't deny I shall enjoy telling him and hearing that!

Cass, the only interesting fact about neurology is that nearly all serial killers sustained head injuries before the age of 5 (as well as them all being late bed-wetters and animal torturers). Apparently, even a small injury to the frontal lobe whilst developing is really dubious.

Why I've not gone on Millionaire and wiped them out, I do not know

Sidles up to Scorps

Oh nooooo I killed the fred by trying to grope Scorpalina

You think you can kill a thread?

I just wrote this. I have NO FUCKING IDEA what it means:

Dorsal columns: route: dorsal spinal nerve route ? ipsilateral spinal cord ? primary sensory neuron synapses in brainstem ? decussate at medulla ? medial lemniscus pathway to thalamus ? internal capsule to primary somatosensory cortex

Wanna have a go at my dorsal spinal nerve route?

it should have read "dorsal spinal nerve root "

Quite WHY I need to know this in order to bend people's legs behind their heads and make awful cracking sounds with their necks I do not know. But apparently I do.

When I am Dr. Stewpot I am going to milk it for all it's worth, I tell you that. I'm going to have t-shirts made and you're all going to get one. "Dr Stewpot is a Doctor and all I got was this lousy T-shirt", something like that.

Sits in bra? SITS IN BRA??? What kind of lesbian lovefest IS this?!?! Get it off and THEN we'll talk.

God, the sex round here is going downhill...

ps feel it only fair to warn you I don't qualify till 2013, so you'll be sat there topless a while yet....

Well, there's no need to be pushy.

Am grumpy, and thinking that the whole point of joining in down the palace was the lesbiviolence which cheers the soul, so lets get started then...

Here's a little Wednesday evening quiz for you all: what does agraphaesthesia means? WITHOUT googling it (like I just did).

Go on, have a guess. Nearest one wins first go on Salty . Unless Salty wins, in which case first go is on me

What does 'desscussate' mean DoctorStew? Is it rude? Can we misunterpret it to be rude? I WANT RUDE!!

Tha's got a lovely thalamus- anyone?

ooh...pick me, me!

Graphesthesia is the ability to recognize writing on the skin purely by the sensation of touch. Its names derives from Greek graphē ("writing") and ...
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Graphesthesia - Cached - Similar

WHAT???? I did NOT google it...