30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Well I was at work in my defence (children are taught now, so off for the rest of the week, God I'm good) (or specTACularly lazy..)
Have gone off the boil a bit, sorry- combination of mother of all hangovers, and droid left me all wan and listless and unable to type. Also I burned my hand on Friday and had to put ice on it, and literally couldn't type- it was agony. (Not not being able to type, but it was quite annoying) Also poor me and poor poor me.

Welcome Newbies angelinaballerina and clarencethefriendlyghostohnothatscasparsothattdoesntworkwhoisclarenceagain? As a recent discoverer of the Beshes myself (ahem) I am pleased to no longer be the newest, even if one of you be diffed and breaking the laws of nature and stuff.

LadyPenelope your circumstances touch me (not in that way) (oh go on then) particularly cos we're so in the same boat, how old is your bairn? mine's 26months- and I had a mc at eight weeks on 7th aug, really feel for you, and empathise, which is a tautology is't not? but anyway, hugs sister Besh and any time you fancy a moan in the pit I'm your woman (and we can see if pepperpig will join us cos I can do a mean line in stealers of due dates too.) we can fight over stuff, and get muddy.

Have forgotton what else has been happening a la palais, will go and check.
Dead legs to all

Evening everyone. I'm out again, spotting started today. I have been ridiculously weepy and upset this month so going to give the conception freds a miss for a while and try to stop feeling so pressured and anxious about it all. I will lurk occasionally and hopefully be back with a diff, or at least some positivity, soon. Good luck everyone and hope you all win your baybees in the MAD project! Ciao bellas x

I'm having a shit day and I hate everything and don't want to run a bastard fucking business anymore and don't want mr gin to do it either cos it's shit and all-consuming and misery-making and exhausting and... Well actually 'shit' summed it up well enough.

Still obv love tous les beshes, am just going to sob and rock in the corner if no-one minds [fucking twatty drama queen emoticon]

Am not posting as the result of any attempts to do so can clearly be seen above. Not pretty is it? :)

Smooches twink. am sorry you're so low. Giving yourself a break could be just what you need...take care my sweets

Clarence is the angel in It's A Wonderful Life.

Ginny here have a knuckle rub.

Smooches to all. Feeling v quiet today

Twinks, v you're going off for a while. Please don't be a stranger. Keep popping in to lick gin from our cleavages and administer erotiviolence. Be kind to yourself, gorgeous

Rie, I don't want to be cruel and stoke the menkul but a weird and random allergic reaction was my first symptom (the weird asthma attack). Hope that helps, not hinders

Cass, am v angry on your behalf at ridiculous middle-of-night building crap. Is totally illegal and needs reporting to the council. If I am right, no-one, be it business or individual, can do building work between @9pm - 7am (later on a Sunday morning). Is so, so grrrrrr

Big snogs to poor, knackered, frazzled Ginster's

Note for next Palais, we're going to need a bigger pit! Sorry everyone's feeling rubbish today.

Molie MiniG is......almost 28 months. OMG MISERY TWINZ, ent we?!

Scorps when I'm pregnant I do tend to feel a bit quieter, maybe more subdued. Tis hormones. You will soon get the easy weeping fits though - watch out for adverts of the naffest nature. Deadly.

Dearest Gindrinker, I am in awe that you even have got off your bum and run a business. Rather than having to work for an evil corporation every frigging day. Sorry it's shit at the mo. Can Mr G help you at all?

Twink sorry about the droid. Hope you come back soon. Don't be away too long.

Fish slaps to everyone else.

Might not be around myself so much for a day or two. Going to visit my Mother. Who will be very sweet and well meaning and will prob put her foot in it several times through not knowing what to say. Like her response when I told her had miscarried. Made all the right noises, then not two minutes later told me of her friends granddaughter (who is 19) and had first baby at same time as me, just had another baby. She is an idiot sometimes. She did apologise profusely, Having had a full term stillborn herself, albeit 40 odd years ago you think she would know!

Morning. Sorry I haven't been around much. Been on a buttock-clenchingly dull training course & also just feeling a bit "meh".

twinks I'm so sorry you feel down. Maybe a little break will do you good. But pliz to not be a total stranger. Take care, x

Aries allergy sounds nasty. Hope its a bit calmer this morning. But if allergy = sheshootsshescorps then bring it on.

gin sorry your day was so shit. Nothing too serious bizniz wise I hope.

In fact it seems a steaming pile of crap for most of the BESHs. Thank Jebus for scorps & her fantabulous news. Otherwise we'd have to ask for planning permission to extend Teh Pit

Well, at least my course has some uses - I'm concentrating on my pelvic floor exercises. I hope the trainer doesn't see me jigging around in my chair.

Right, gins all round.......

More apologies for quietness here: am a fraction shredded. Nothing serious, just fighting small fires on all fronts. Feel like a Blitz fireman .

Smooches all round, esp. to LadyGG...

Sorry hags I'm in a new deeper pit - similar to the one in Chile with the miners in so can only communicate via this 1980's tape recorder. Also feeling very meh and sulking about shitness of it all. If you can cram yourself into the harness and lower yourself down on the winch you are free to join me. Twinks and LadyGoneCuckoo I have reserved a small cubby hole for each of you if you are interested. I think there should be room for all of us if needed, but no clothes are needed as it is quite hot and sweaty down here.

Spirits are being kept alive by the discovery of a small tank of purest gin and a packet of slightly stale Jacob's crackers. Escape of this pit may only occur after next droid. .

hello again Thank you all for welcoming me!

This is going to be short and sweet (bit like me ) as I'm stuck at work at cant get my fix of MN as much as I'd like.

I've tried to catch up with the fred as am sooooooooooooooooooo pleased for Scorps as I have stalked lurked with interest for some time!

sorry to gin that youre feeling so shit and to twinkle and hope you stay close.

I'm currently having an imaginary ovulation. According to all my gadgets, today is the day although I'm a dry as the desert and have no interest in praying to jebus or anything.

Also have first hospital appt on Friday and I am absolutely terrified.

Oh I almost forgot, heres an industrial sized hamper full of lovely goodies, Tanqueray, limes, hobnobs, sherbet fountains, foot lotions, chocolates, hunky male masseuse...

Will be back shortly, got to drag myself up to show willing now. Might try the pelvic floor exercises

It's a subdued Palace at the moment, f'shaw. But saltyballs this: "I miss all the alien impregnations" gave me my first out loud laugh in about a week, so fanks

Scorparina you are right. It's a big development, it's a big company doing it. It's not the first time they've done this either. I need to complain, but all my language skills have deserted me and al I can think to say is "fuckingbastardnoisytwats" which, whilst accurate, probably doesn't represent the level of communication I should be aiming for. The demolition stage alone is apparently going on until January, so all day I have a machine gun like noise at the moment followed by periodic bomb-like noises. In fact the War on Terror could quite feasibly have moved there and I just haven't realised. I'm not even right by it, there's about 8 houses' worth of road between me and the edge of the site, and I think the demolition's not even happening at that end yet. Goodness only knows how the poor buggers right by it are feeling.

Aries Benadryl is indeed an antihistamine. Sorry you had that happen

Now. Lolly Ahem. About those pelvic floor exercises. Do you not find them a bit, well, stimulating ?? Seriously, I can't do them in public!!

I'm not here either. Bit of beepage going on in keks; full droid expected today/tomorrow. I will be in the standard pit if anyone wants to snuggle*.

• avec le feff.

Morning Hags!

Bloody hell, is all depressing in here.

You sulk down there for as long as you want, my lovely, we'll just keep drip-feeding you booze and cake. :)

Clara I think I am also having imaginary ovulation as CBFM says "PEAK!111!!!" but am feeling no random twinges etc. Also this is all pointless anyway as Mr Shoes is too knackered to shag (as usual). Did manage half-hearted effort last night but it is going to take nothing short of a miracle to persuade him into a repeat performance tonight :( Hey ho, there goes another month.

I will start lighting BESHcandles for your hosp trip on Friday, as is the tradition. I might even sacrifice a few goats seeing as you are n00b and everything.

Ginster's pasties Here; have this AlanSugarInnaBox; he can run your business and offend all your staff whilst you go off for a month's holiday.

Moley Ouch. That is all. OUCH.

Ariel maybe tis mushroomy fungus allergy due to all the wet weather? I sometimes get that in Autumn.

Punches in the face to all & enforced cheerfulness.

Morning all. Ain't life grand? Har har har
Well this morning, I look like Rocky, no less. It's WORSE than it was last night. I can't go out! I look simply frightful! I had to be driven 10 miles last night to the nearest midnight pharmacy for something stronger than Benedryl. Now I keep catching MrA giving me curious and concerned looks out of the corner of my eye - dear God, what is this thing?

Gin my love, I would second that. Running your own business is shit. But then so is standing in a classroom. In fact it's all shit. Bah.

Sorry you're off for a while Twinks. Pop in and out as you want though. Good luck with everything.

Oh Aries . Wish I could make it better luvva. Bloody knew I should've trained as a witch when I had the chance.

Ariel if all else fails they usually jab you with the injected version of piriton - might be worth a trip to the docs if you are still inflated and allergic?

Oh well. At least you'll know who I am on Saturday. Just look for the ginger haired alien. Actually I'm probably just being over-dramatic and attention seeker - it'll have all gone down by Saturday, won't it. Won't it?

It will, it will, it will. Besides which, everyone knows booze is a powerful antihistimine

I have had allergic reactions to boozes. Usually when very tired. Too much white wine = covered in hives.

So am not entirely convinced it's an antihistamine...

Poor Rianna and Ginsters. Vey stressful time to be running own businesses. Grr.

Drom are you coming? Are you coming? Are you coming?

I have a friend's engagement partay to attend. What time are you lot hooking up, loike?

I has deep and meaningful philosophy from the Tao of Pooh to share:

"How would it be," said Pooh slowly, "if, as soon as we're out of sight of this Pit, we try to find it again?"
"What's the good of that?" said Rabbit.
"Well," said Pooh, "we keep looking for Home and not finding it, so I thought that if we looked for this Pit, we'd be sure not to find it, which would be a Good Thing, because then we might find something that we weren't looking for, which ,might be just what we were looking for, really"

Discuss.

cass I must say that there pelvic floor did bring a little smile to me face.....

clara pliz to be accepting my apologies at ignoring you . Welcome to the mayhem.

Sorry, off to course again. Tis much shittage.

Lorry bunk off! bunk off! Go to the seaside!

Ooo, pelvic floor exercises. I should prob. do some of those. Just in case. Also, because v.bored sitting at desk atm.

Noseymole am not liking the Pit of Pooh idea; it sounds messy.