30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Oh Salty . Actually, I am not sure that this is imaginary pain, luvva. 'Tis as physical and searing as any other kind. And pliz to be as 'mememe' as you like. xxx

Cross post Salty. :( :( :( Fucksticks to FB differs. I agree with Aries that any who are out to mock us with their diffedness/cute babies should be hidden....and echo HB that it is extremely real pain you're feeling :(

ps anyone who thinks what you're going through is 'imaginary pain' , Saltyseadog can answer to me. And I promise that after I am finished with them, they will want to Fuck Off And Die of their own volition.

You be as memememe as you need to, flower. You've earned that right.

Salts, how far westwards are you? I know not as much as me, but are you say, within a county? Anywhere near Exeter for example? Or Barrrrrrnstaple?

I don't even GO on fucking fb veryt much.

Am just feeling a bit sorry for myself, I think it just catches you sometimes, doesn't it - I had a wave of despair at how much energy I expend thinking about being pregnant, or worrying about it never happening, or just being sad at having it snatched away. I'm just not sure I have that much energy to give to something which in all honesty, makes me feel like a complete failure.

Now I don't know for sure. But I'd bet that what you're feeling now is completely normal. Which of course, doesn't make it any easier or better or less shit. I do assuredly know that it's not because you're a failure though. Think of how many amazing wonderful successful women have had miscarriages.

This probably isn't helping is it?

Cass, much as I like the idea of setting you on some people, noone has told me it is imaginary, I just think it is. So I suppose you will have to do violence to me....

Rie I am in the large town in the county of the same naem

Did I mention that I am SHIT at cryptic clues?

Will set up BESHmail. Then all my fans pals can email me as much as they please. I may consider replying also.

SaltyChocolateBalls, it is indeed a bag of shite (I hope it doesn't seem hypocritical of me to say so). Still, leave that bitch to the due date - your next one will be FAR superior

In Other News, these are the kind of headlines we have down our way: www.thisiscornwall.co.uk/news/Sheep-rustling-rise-price-lamb-keeps-increasing/article-2634797-detail/article.html

www.thisiscornwall.co.uk/news/Thief-kills-champion-budgie/article-2623085-detail/article.html

www.thisiscornwall.co.uk/news/163-110-sandwich-tops-cheese/article-2631608-detail/article.html

Cross post Scorps. That was spectacularly badly timed!

Scorps luve, pliz to not worry about talking about your win. Is that kind of news that keeps us going!!

Rie thanking you. I luffs you.

Oh, that was a bag of mememe differ-thoughtless waffle, wasn't it! I've become everything I despise!

Where's Occy at the moment? OCAAAAARRREEEEEEEEEEENA Where are you? How dare you have a life!

Oh stoppit Score - what makes the Palais so nice is that the transition from BESH to PESH is slow and elegant! You hang around here and fret not.

Haha Rie. Much prefer your local news to that I've just seem for round my way - counted 3 headline stories about violent attacks. Although I think stamping on a poor defenceless budgie has to be one of the worse crimes I've heard about in a while.

Scorps stop fretting, you're newly diffed and it's exciting. We'll all be with you very soon

Does make us chuckle at times TartyPants. The poor budgie though :(

Isn't Ocky working all the hours this week?

Begins fashioning violence device with eyes narrowed at Salty

Right, what else do I need for a life of madladydom?

A shopping trolley, and a carpety-tweedy-looking coat. Oh, and some kind of strange head attire.

I feel dizzy too. Is that significant, do you think?

RieTaSue&BobToo I'm down that Devon way too. I did do a PAH of laughter at your News Review. Poor little budgie.

Welcome LongDistanceClara. -10 for Alan Hanson, we might be twisted but we're not into that sort of sick stuff thanks. 22 months is rubbish.

SaltyBrine oh lover that is fucking shit. I hope you don't have to see her too much. It was bad enough with my friend at work who was a month ahead of what I would have been, but the same date is rubbing it in. Please don't worry about feeling bad or jealous. Those pregnant people have the whole world to fuss over them and be happy, they don't need you to.

SickoTart my lining was only 4mm and I had one rubbish follie about 9mm ish so chances are unlikely. Will shag if I feel like it anyway.

Cheers for all the commis/violence. I think I've sort of forgotten there actually might be a baby at the end of all this, which to be honest is less painful and a good thing. It will come as a nice surprise if it does happen then. Plus I just scoffed more Panna Cotta.

Rie's got one so I'm going to. Rose here I come . Cheers all.