30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Lady I'd get 2 weeks off if I were you. Don't rush back, take some time for yourself. I very nearly did leave TG on Saturday - I was gutted we'd missed out on my dream house AGAIN and all he could do was try and make out it was somehow my fault. That upset me more than missing out on the house. All I needed was a hug and a bit of commiseration - after all, tis only a bloody house. Then we came home to gross things on table and I just lost it...

Oh Sindy'sSnatch that is rubbish. What waste of a month. Do they know why it all went tits up? I'm intrigued by the AMH blood test - how long will you have to wait until you get the results?

I have only found 2 maggotty larvae things today, so I'm hoping we are nearing the end. Thank fuck. I don't think I could stay here if this continues, it just makes me want to bathe in bleach.

Where is Salty? I was gutted you got droided this month, I really did think it was your month. Still, you could always aim for the first MAD?

Lingering snuggle for Stacie'sSnatch (Barbie's sister, innit). So sorry you've had to abandon matey, you must be royally fucked off :(.

I think the initial doses were too small to kick start my egg production, perhaps a huge wallop in the guts with a killer whale might get the fucking things working. Not sure when I'll get the AMH results - probably in about two weeks on Droid day when I pick up my new drucks. What happens if they're shit? Should I be thinking about donor eggs and stuff?

Don't feel wretched LovelyBangersandMash, There are approximately a million of us all seeing FC at the moment - you can't expect to keep on top of all of them! Feel free to invent comedy violence - the bigger the item thrown at my shite ovaries and paper bag womble the better. That'll teach em to buck their ideas up!

Poor Minge, so sorry to hear that utterly disappointing and frustrating end to the cycle for you. It is a complete mystery and so out of our control, which makes it very hard to deal with. I suppose the docs will have a better idea for next time what doses to give you and how you will respond, so it won't be a completely wasted exercise, although it feels it at the moment. Have a Chinese burn and a bag of minstrels from me.

Maggots and flies fair make your flesh creep, PrettyPolly. We once had an infestation of bluebottles in our flat, like hundreds and hundreds of them. It was all I could do to stay in the flat while they were there. Very bizarre because there was no sign of anything having died but they went away after a visit from Mr Rentokil - have you had anything similar? Def need to tell the old man that this is non-negotiable, you can't be living with vermin around your food.

HB I used to live in Palmers Green and know Wood Green well! Don't know what you mean about it being hell on earth - don't you like toothless madmen accosting you on your way home at night?

LadyGGG if you've got a boss who's understanding (sounds like it) then take your time going back and only do it when you feel quite ready. Especially if you feel weak and wrung out. No prizes for going back too early, colleagues just pretend nothing's happened and don't make any allowances.

Barbie'sBeaver that is rubbish. But like you say, just count it as a practice run. you have another month to focus on R and R and getting your mind and body into tip top condition for a pregnancy next time. And you know what you are doing etc next time.

Owlshoes and BB thx. I sort of feel I already had a while off since I didn't go in Tues, Weds, Fri while I am bleeding but feels like that was pre-miscarriage and so doesn't count. Think might head North tomoz and go see my Mum. (Although she will drive me potty after about 5 mins)

Helloooo

I'd like to learn the Tao of BESH. Officially TTC for 22 months without success. A Masssive Failure.

Just thought I'd mark my place as I'm now going to run off and hide until tomorrow morning when I can get back online.

Please be gentle

Incidentally, we may have a new acolyte seeking the Tao of the BESH and the path to enlightenment. Let us greet her with erotiviolence aplenty, subject to the usual caveats and whether or not she successfully completes the BESHtionnaire and admires my arse and brings gin

Aha! Quick off the mark there ClareBelle!

See you tomorrow morning, with no doubt a series of witty, filthy and exquisitely worded questionnaire responses

Excellent recruitment HB

Look forward to meeting you properly tomorrow, Clara :)

Crate of gin at the door ladies.

1. Do you like gin? Yes

Most definitely fave tipple ever

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Gold digger - FitBloke is a whole month older than me

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use: a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

Maybe this is where I'm going wrong? All of them???

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

I'm allergic to babydust so definitely (a)

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

(b) Evil evil evil

6. what colour are your walls?

From my crap memory, I think I can pull out the name Eygptian Cotton?? Sort of a posh magnolia

7. Number of pets?

One furry baby puppy

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

Alan Hanson

9. Lesbian crush?

Dannii Minogue

10. What are your views on camping?

Erm no I dont hink so. 35* luxury for me thanks

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on? i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it. ii) Over 100 quid iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

ii) and iii)

Do I get a BESH badge, certificate and membership PLEASE????

Evenin all

Sindy so very sorry this cycle has been abandoned. Does that mean it's a complete bum month or will you ovulate anyway and can go 'au naturel' anyway? It's good that they don't just forge ahead and waste one of your NHS goes although I'm sure it's not feeling like it right now.

A reason enuff to move if ever there was one. We can start a petition if you think it would persuade TG?

I have acksherly done been doing some real work, the first for months . Has certainly helped with less menkulling so plan to do some more! Not paid but work experience in a good restaraunt, got to taste a fair few dishes so all good Also start patisserie course this week so after a couple of months of stagnating I feel as though things are finally moving...am hoping it means my cobwebby womb will kick into action too.

Mid shin kicks to the rest of y'all

Hello there Claracluck. 22 months is shiteness to the nth degree :(

But seriously Alan Hanson???????

Alan Hanson. Riiiiiight. Mind you I can sort of understand. A bit. Especially when he has an extra-large-brushed-bouffon. Welcome HeidiandClara

BB so sorry my duck. After all the effort and injecting and everything :(

Two weeks LadyGG. And that's an order. I used to be a teacher you know.

Wasn't er, expecting visitors. Well, hello Clara. And welcome. I'm in the pit having just mc 2nd born. 22 months is shit. What do they say about this?

Just back from my GP. Think I heart her muchly. She was so lovely. Completely shocked I lost baby and v sympathetic. Listened to all my irrational concerns and let me up my dose of Thyroxine to 125mcg to be ready for next time as will reassure me (even though prob nothing to do with it). Gave me iron to help build me up for next one. Signed me off til middle of next week (but can have longer if need it) and says she sees no reason why I can't just jump straight back on if that is what I want to do. She said, you do eggs and he does sperm so will happen eventually and it's just a chance game so chances are v good that next time will be fine. She is same Doctor who let my son have and take home a toy Man figure and Deer when he was playing up in her room last time.

Bit of a wobble in chemist though as one of the chemist gnomes had brought in their newborn baybee to show off to colleagues. Got throught it by staring at the on offer CBFM's and pondering a purchase (£20 off in Lloyds if anyone is interested)

Hi BESHes and thank f*ck Monday is over, I was feeling tiredness aplenty, that'll teach me for having brilliant nights out with drink and dancing a-plenty. Am too old for this lark.

BeaverFeatures sorry this cycle feels so unproductive, if it helps to determine a more effective course of action for next month then at least not a total loss non? Have a rabbit punch from me to speed things along.

Pencil I was in Wood Green on Saturday and I bought a coat from River Island on the High Street We're in a "nicer" area just a bus ride away but we have no high street chain stores for clothes and I was craving a New Look spree (2 pairs of jeans, 2 tops and some new socks for £70, that's what I'm talkin about) Freaks a plenty, never lets you down.

LadyG am in agreement with 2 weeks off work, you need to look after yourself.

Heidi hi Clara 22 months is poo pants, but your BESHtionnaire gets a strong 8 from me just for the inclusion of Dannii Minogue. I luff her.

Am off home now for pie and mash to fulfill my comfort food craving, am hoping to feel human again tomorrow (did I mention I'm too old for all night drinking? not sure if I did, I'm clearly a weakling innit?)

Arsebuckets, DollCunt I can offer no words, as it's just a massive shitter, but pliz to accept my warmest lezzings, novelty erotiviolence (giant frying pan do ya?) and a big old smother in my ample buzzwams...

LongDistanceClara, welcome and... Alan Hanson?!?!?!?!?! Hmm, at least freaky is what cuts the mustard round here

Pol - pure boak at maggots and a massive grrrrr to not getting house, you poor fing. But thank you so much for your lovely moby message - only got it a bit ago (cheers, Orange ).

HB, do not make me larf that your opus will be anything less than genius. I'd love to read some, but fear it'll put me off my own writing, what with your outrageous talent

Am feeling rough today, so won't be posting much. Am not going to moan about it, as am v glad to feel shit and not going to rub it in peep's faces.

Oh, and did I point out that I love you slaaaags? Well, I do

Gosh, those are early symptoms SheShootsSheScores! Sure it's not something you ate?

Buggeration, Barbie , that sucks all the suckiest things and must surely deserve a massive Win next month in terms of compensation.

Welcome Clara - 22 months is proper rubbish. However, let us not let this superb level of BESHqualification distract us from that crate of gin you brought, though. Just the one crate? Hmm? Hmmm?

Scorps , so pleased to hear you are feeling rough, in the nicest possible way :)

LadyG tis good that your GP is ace. Unless you're a veggie you can also treat yourself to a massivehuge rare steak and chips (in the name of upping iron levels, obviously).

Cinco we demand patisserie samples. Many, many patisserie samples. Bugger the diet; give us cake.

Slappings and a kick in the arse for all.

Right; must go and cook some tea or Mr Owlshoes will not have the energy to satify the evil CBFM me. Er...let's face it, he's going to fall asleep on the sofa. Who am I kidding?

Hmmmm Score, I wonder if early morning sickness signals OMGQUADS!!111!!!1!!!

Incidentally, Scorediff, what did the horrid In-Laws say to the news? I hope they were properly happy and will be a bit more accepting etc.

Right, BESHies, I haz decided I will be mainly concentrating on being a mad old lady with lots of cats. I think I would be good at it, and it seems less traumatic.

One of preggers at work told me her due date it the same as my predicted one was. Not only is she flaming glowingly diffed having once looked at a man a bit funny, she has the cheek to nick my due date.

I got home to find no less than 4 updates on fb about diffed related items.

Sorry for memememe, I know that lots of you are having much worse actual pain,rather than imaginary pain, but it is JUST SO SHIT.

You wouldn't tell them yet though, would you Scorps? Keep them hanging on a little longer!

Oh poor Salty. Come here and have a cuddle and a dead leg :(:(. It is indeed SHIT. Maybe lay off the FB for a while? Or hide some friends temporarily? Or something?

You shall all be my guinea pig taste testers

My Mum was telling about someone she'd seen on the telly who had identical quadz, never knew it could happen but it seems it can. The egg divided into 4. Wowsers. Are you reading this Scorpelletta?