30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Thanks every so Cass. I suppose there might be a plodding old dutiful mare in there somewhere, if not a champ.

I think Lozza is right: we need a firm cut-off point to distinguish between the MSDP and the MAD. Conception before the autumnal equinox probably means MSDP, no? In which case we're all still on board!

Does that mean I won a MSDP baybee? Woohoo!

Snogs and roundhouse kicks to all!

interesting article on Rod & Penny & IVF.

Mercury thing is interesting too - didn't a high-profile actor drop out of a play blaming mercury poisoning a while back??

(I say 'interesting article' and what I really mean is 'snippet of gossip').

Oh dear, seems as usual I am lagging a few centuries behind everyone else?
LadyGG I am so sorry lovely, be kind to yourself and your little family. Don?t forget the hormones will probably play havoc for a bit until it all settles down, you are not going mental even if it might feel like you are. I?m glad you had such a comforting dream.

OMG Twinzzz! Cerubina! So happy for you! I am also impressed you remembered my BESHtionaire ? seems I used up all my funny in that post as I?ve been pretty boring since (apart from maybe Luella) ?hang on ? is Luella going begging now now then Scorps?

And YAY Scorps! We all knew you could do it! Hope you can flick a big V to all the doubters now. Too old to get pregnant my arse. Here?s to a boring uneventful pregnancy!

I think maybe a fertility/assisted palace might be a good idea maybe to stop people getting bored of me bleating on about injections and drugs and dildocam. Especially as I am feeling particularly twisted and barren today. We also had the secks over the weekend and I?m not sure if we are supposed/allowed to. Will ask when I see Mrs Dildocam later.

PS. Bangers you are funny and clever and we all knows it. Anything you have written is bound to be brilliant. Keep pecking away at it.

That is interesting, especially given that women who are TTC are advised to eat two or three portions of oily fish per week. It's a little know and very scary fact that mercury is a long term pollutant which hangs around in the food chain for many many years and it causes all sorts of health problems. In Japan, there are whole towns of people and children with mercury poisoning, which causes horrible malformations and disabilities. It's a fact the Japanese government has tried to cover up. If anyone has the chance, watch The Cove. It's primarily about the Japanese slaughter of dolphins for the meat trade, during which they take the young dolphins from their parents and sell them to aquaria, after stabbing the adult animals to death. It's truly barbaric, and one of the worst things about it, is that by serving these dolphins and so much fish in school dinners they are knowingly poisoning their population. I think we should actively avoid lots of fish from a health point of view, as well as concern for biodiversity in the sea.

RANT RANT. But justified I think.

X post Beaver. By all means have a different thread. But don't you dare leave this one, ok?

Thanks Squariel. I'm a bit worried I'm bringing the thread down by feeling so miserable and bitter about it all. I need to HTFU! Would you like some panna cotta? I made some yesterday and had it with some frozen raspberry puree and fresh blackberries. It's only got your entire daily fat quota in it so must be good for you. I did go running last week and went in the sea on Saturday so surely I need to replace my energy.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! Lob some over. I'll have it for pudding after the baby dolphins on toast with added mercury.

I feel a little nauseous. Too soon? Or is it because I haven't eaten yet? Or is residual hangover?

Ariel that is shocking. I had seen trailers for the Cove and intended to go - I'll def. seek it out now.

Barbie my duck, do whatsoever suits you best, with the caveat that you're not alone in taking the AC route and I know others will value you here, and we all want to support each other whatever ishoos we might be having or not having. I don't want to see you go and have never felt brought down by your bitterness; I can achieve that perfectly well with my own, thanks so much .

Big fat smooches to you.

Ariel, it's nearly eleven o'clock! Go and have some toast, lassie, or you'll get all slumpy!

Good morrow. Pliz to accept the below BESHtionnaire pliz fank you.

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')

A good G&T is a mighty fine way to start the weekend but Moses was a lad last time I had one given inordinately long TTC efforts, and of course a lime & lemonade achieves much the same effect

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?

Cougar - Cerubino is a good two years younger than me.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use: a) weewee b) poopoo c) foofoo d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

Definitely none of the above, you get the doctors to put a tube up your hoo-hah and see if they can find the odd egg that's not shrivelled like a raisin before injecting with your old man's essence. If you've been trying any of the above you are probably the victim of a cruel practical joke.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

(a) by default since (b) is just too horrible to contemplate and I am worried about type II diabetes.

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

Not only a bleeping little fucker but an obnoxious one who doesn't even have the decency to turn up at the appointed time, just rolls up whenever he pleases and sometimes disguised as an Ewok to confuse.

6. what colour are your walls?

Ah now they are very newly painted and on the whole are "Joa's White" downstairs, which is a sort of off white colour ideal for twins to smear pureed carrot over. However we have been quite daring in our use of colour in the house and it is v v cool.

7. Number of pets?

None, unless you count a desiccated dead frog on our front path last week.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?

Alexander Armstrong.

9. Lesbian crush?

Jessica Alba.

10. What are your views on camping?

Oh Christ no. Why would anyone? Civilisation has enabled us to leave the cave and dwell in warmth and comfort, what kind of freak wants to be cold and uncomfortable for a week's holiday? I'd like to go to Glasto but the only way it'll happen is if I can get choppered in and out.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on? i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it. ii) Over 100 quid iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

I've certainly given the OPK manufacturers a boom time over the last few years, those brutes know how to charge.

Is that OK? Not sure of the form here, or indeed whether it is messing with the power of the BESH to attempt to join after diffment which is surely at odds with the B aspect. The last thing I would want to do is precipitate a space-time-continuum type of debacle.

Hope all heads are recovered from yesterday's hangovers or did we all over-indulge again on account of Scarpetta's fab news? It is indeed a momentous event. Is that why Uncle Fucker didn't seem to send you into an apocalyptic rage then, Scrap, cos you knew you was diffed and he was just about to get massively sussed out? Must be marvellous to know you can say Fur Q to him now.

I really need to be quicker in posting on here, I am not going to be able to cut it as a BESH/PESH if I can't up the pace.

I like the 'Ewok' bit.

9/10 I would say CherubCheeks, particularly liking the phrase "when Moses was a lad". Does time now start flowing backwards now that a PESH has joined after diffment? That means we will all get progressively younger and more fertile with increasingly easier to deal with hangovers despite correspondingly higher alcohol intakes! And the number of months TTC will also decrease. I like it!

Aries surely not a two day hangover? I gave up on those sorts of benders after a)throwing up down myself b) down the stairs c) taxis refusing to take me after one look at the state I was in. Of course a bender to me nowadays would constitute more than two glasses of wine, or two pints of cider.

But but but - Barbie we like hearing about your Continuing Adventures With DildoCam. Now give me the rest of that pannacotta as it is my favourite thing evah in the world

Aries - two day hangover = diffed, oh yes.

Cherub can I play with your desiccated frog?

Wol is that a euphemism? You can play with anything you darned well like.

Hello all, I am back. In slightly better mood now the weekend is over. (Surely that is wrong way round, non?)

Lady I really am so sorry things have not worked out for you this time. I hope you are taking it easy and getting lots of miniG cuddles.

Barbie don't leave us. This is absolutely the place for you, you don't come across as moany, and you certainly don't bring anyone else down. We are all blackhearted biatches and will be here to dish out violence help and support you however we can. Even if it is just nipple tweaks and booze. Do understand if you want to talk to other AC peeps but just make sure you don't desert us.

Cerub congrats on the OMGTWINS!!11!!! How exciting. TG visibly breathed an enormous sigh of relief at 12 week scan when it became obvious there was just the one, but I really wouldn't have minded.

LovelyRie how is the head now? Are you feeling any better for eating? I don't think I could stand to watch The Cove, I would just be a blubbery blotchy mess. Maybe leave that one until I'm not a hormonal caahhh.

HB I know I am not alone in thinking that you are incapable of writing anything that isn't witty, informative, lyrical and just plain bloody wonderful. So there. I hope you are feeling better about it all today.

To those that asked my weekend was shit because TG woke me up in middle of night (after I'd been to work) to do SFF. But it was not fun, it was crap and put me in a vile mood for the next day. Then we went to view house which I desperately wanted and it was just a fucking nightmare (long story, v dull). Needless to say we are not moving. Also, as well as dead mouse smell we now have maggotty things falling out of the beams in our kitchen, right onto the table. I absolutely fucking hate hate HATE this house and its location, but it seems we are stuck here. Gah. Unfortunately TG does not hate this house and is in no rush to move (been here 6 years). We ended up having a humungous row about moving/money etc and I stalked out for the rest of the day, leaving Boo with him. Then I went to work again. When I got home (around 11pm) Boo was ill and I spent most of the night up with her so I just ended up vey tired and moody. Sorry, that was not as succinct as I was hoping but I am still knackered.

Salad hope you are having a fab time in gay Paris.

My poor Pol :(. Sometimes it all gets too much. Maggoty things for fuck's sake? can you get Environmental Health round? Tis a rented house, non?

Having googled all things maggoty, I think they may be fly larvae. Yuck. I suspect I may be a leetle bit hormonal and tired still - a fly just tried to land on the carrot I was chopping. I screamed 'Fuck off you fucking fucker' whilst flailing arms around and then promptly burst into tears. Now Boo has taken to repeating the phrase but it sounds more like Uncle Fucker. It did make me larf until I realised she will probably go to back to preschool on Weds and teach it to all the other children.

Ew,Polly, maggoty things. Things like, like MAGGOTS? Falling onto your kitchen table?? And TG thinks this is not a problem??? Leave him, leave him now. Take Boo and run. I jest...but seriously that is yucky. Of what species are these? could it be related to the dead mouse situ? Or are these woodworm? If woodworm you get chemical stuff to paint onto the beams. If the mouse related then surely the furry fucker must be fully rotted by now?

I feel quite exhausted today, physically quite weak. Am going to the GP to get signed off work this afternoon. How long do you think is appropriate to be off for?

By the way, mini G can already say Bugger and shit at 2 , she may forget it by tomorrow if you don't show any reaction when she says it?

Jesus, Pol that is just horrible. What if they have fallen out of the furry fucker's remains? Can you call in a pest control firm?

LadyGG Unfortunately they never forget the really juicy swears and will be chanting them in nursery before you know it. The little darlings :)

You should take at least a week off. I took a week off and foolishly went back the week after but felt like shite; it took a good two weeks before I was up to doing anything like a full time job and I don't have a sweary 2 year old to look after :) Hope you are feeling less knackered soon.

Seconding PollLarvae - at least a week LadyGG, and more if you need it. I went back to work after two days which was quite frankly stupid and ended up with me bursting into tears quite a lot.

Nasty maggots- at least if they are at wandering stage they will soon turn into flies and then bugger off and no more should appear. Yuk.

Glad you are all not bored shitless by the dildocam adventures - unfortunately my womble lining is even more shite today and eggs have virtually all disappeared, despite upping my dose at drugs. So cycle is now abandoned, all that injecting was for nada. Trying very hard to be postive - at least it won't count towards one of my NHS cycles and next time should have more idea of doses to start with. I also went to phlebotomist afterwards to have bloodtest for AMH (ovarian reserve) levels. I hope I have got some eggs left or I'm royally fucked.

In reality I am very angry with my stupid body. Another month down the toilet and we didn't even get a bite at the cherry this time. I wish that you could donate a BFP - sort of like if I don't get to have one this month, I could donate it to someone else instead?

Oh BB, I'm very sorry to hear that and feel wretched that I forgot to ask how you got on today . I think a certain degree of anger is absolutely to be indulged: it's so cruelly unfair, especially when you've had to endure injections and drucks and prods and pokes.

When will you get the AHM results?

Pol, I am still shuddering at reading about your maggots. And sympathise enormously with needing to move - we lived for 5 years in Wood Green, and anyone who has been there will know it to be officially Hell On Earth. When we finally found the perfect flat in the perfect area for practically no rent, and gave our notice on our hideous flat, we were gazzumped, and had to find somewhere in no time at all. There was a silver lining, as the flat we're in now is perfect for us and a baybee should one arise, but it was one of the most stressful months of my life. Fondles and cakes to you, dearest.