30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Literary critic? Moi? HopOn I was lying. I'm just some waster who thinks (wrongly) she can run a micro-business. Thanks for asking am I awright. Am in a bit of shock actually - hence frequent, brittle mass posting. Will tell you next week. Am on 7 months of trying, so not long really. And for some reason, the BESHes were nice enough to let me in straightaway, possibly because I am certainly an Evil, Selfish Hag

Shock? Rie? why? What is to be told next week? Or should I wait until nest week

Sorry Salts. Meant would tell Mounties in that London next week. It's shock bad, not shock-diffed.

Ignore stupid posts.

oh dear. that you are having bad shock.

Cocktail?

Where are you based, Salty (I am assuming the move to Croatia has not happened yet.)? I am also on a quest to lose weight so I can fill up my wardrobe with meaningless cloth fabulous clothing. Displacement? Wot?

You were convincing there, Rie! It sounds bad, duck. Ok, I won't pry, but here, 'ave my buzzzwams, they are ample, and perhaps a hair of the dog? Or toast? I am just making some.

more less down

Southwest innit.

I know, it was unpleasant, wasn't it, Head? We opted for Dim Sum instead . Oooh, ohhh, love the golden-eye baby scenario. We watched Moris dancers too, and CH told me about having a group at school... Now, don't you slag off out-of-towners, don't forget we are taking our own specimen down to the Sarf Bank next week! I iz sure your work iz not a pile of shite because you are really smart, innit and is just easy to lose perspective when you have been working on it for 4 years. I am sure when people look at it with fresh eyes, they will be in proper awe. I can't wait either !

Oh, you are out in Gin land? Or Rie land? Well, if you fancy a BESHmeet in Lahndan Town...

Moris Morris!

Gin land, I believe. In fact, has just occurred to me that Gin and I have probably used the exact same dildocam. Which means I must be due a win? No?(was that Going Too Far? I sometimes don't know....)

BESHmeet? Unless you iz meeting during skool holidays. I am worse than useless termtime.....also, you'd all find out what I'm really like...

although if I don't attend BESHmeet, does that mean I don't win a baybee...???

'BESHketeers battling with Cardinal Droidlieu' has made me snort water out of my nose*! BESHes are not just the coolest, loveliest, bravest hags about, we is farkin' comedy geniuses! Tears of A Clown Syndrome, is what it is, I believe.

LadyGGG, you are SO strong. I think I speak for everyone when I say that I am humbled by your dignity and strength and how you can still be so kind and caring at such a terrible time. Are you feeling up for a BESH bundle?

RieRie, so and to hear about your crappy day. I can reassure (or scare?) you that 2 shags can be all it takes! We only done it twice and here I am, PESHed up like a good 'un. Massive piss-up + massive penury = certain ironi-diff. I fink Cho got hammered the night before she got her BFP, if I remember rightly.

Molesworth, am v touched by your stalkerly devotion - and I do believe your excitement, seeing as the internet has now run out of exclamation marks

I'm feeling v overwhelmed with all the outpourings of luff and chuffment for my win! 'Queen of The BESHes'? Aw, Lyra, you brought tears to my eyes with that one (the tenner's in the post, luv ). I'm a loner in real life, as was shy, bullied kid and then v ill all my adult life and have never got into habit of believing people truly like me and want to hang out with me (and in particular, that anyone's interested in things like me getting pg) and don't see folk very often, so to feel like so many people care and like me is A Very Big Deal for me So when I say thank you, I mean it more than you lot could realise.

Although I've been over to the Deli, I will, like many PESHes, hang around here. Feels like home. And I want to be here for everyone's win. BECAUSE YOU WILL! SCORP DEMANDS IT!

Won't be symptom-chatting here, don't worry. I know full well that it can hurt to read sometimes, even if you're ecstatic for the winner describing them. I can't begin to state how much I want you all to win as soon as poss

*Although the history nerd in me feels compelled to point out that the real musketeers of their day were awful, rapey, killy upper class monsters. Hey ho!

Never too far Airy, never too far. In the absence at the BESHmeet the next best option is to be contaminated by a BESHly dildocam. Trufax.

Baked cod with butter and lemon this evening. Any takers?

I too is having fish, Salty, fresh from the sea - yummy. Twat Face gave it to us, so I'm making Fish Surprise. The Surprise being that I have no idea what fish it actually is.

Think we just had the last BBQ of 2010.

I LOVE John Wyndham, The Chrysalids is one of my favourites, could never watch Village of the Damned or Triffids on TV cos I am such a scardy cat (weird that I don't mind reading reading them) I will await by golden eyed BESHcuckoo with longing.

Had a good chat with my friend this avo, got a bit upset but she sorted me out. I always forget she is a therapist, poor girl had a right bussmans holiday for a bit but then I proceeded to HTFU, feed her wine then cook nice food to make up for it.

I've decided not to take the laptop as much prefer to travel light and have no idea if the hotel had free internet. So won't be about for a few days, scorps you better still be here when I get back. Just leaving this vat of damson gin and a large tray of buttered tea cakes here for you to all snack on while I am away.

Avez un bon temps, Bombe de la Salade. Je suis tres jealous, tres.

Now then, John Wyndham and The Chrysalids. Is that still in print? My dad described it to me once and I've never been able to find it. The Day of the Triffids scared the bejayzuz out of me when I was little and it was on TV. I remember my friend and I coming running into the house crying because we had seen some tall flowers with pink petals. My parents couldn't contain their mirth. Has anyone read a kids' book called Children of the Dust by Louise Lawrence? Again, about post apocalyptic Britain, and genetic mutation and telepathy. Very depressing actually. www.amazon.co.uk/Children-Dust-Definitions-Louise-Lawrence/dp/0099433427/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1284323506&sr=8-1

If I felt remotely human would be massively taking you up on the baked cod Salts but as it is, even chinese take away couldn't raise my appetite.

Sounds delightful, hope you've enjoyed muchly

Ah yes, the days you would wake up and think, 'hmm bit hung over' and go back to sleep for 4 hrs then wake feeling like you could run a marathon? (well maybe just 10 k)

rie 2nd hand on amazon would be your best bet.

a beintot, mes cheries

Oh. My. Fucking. Christ.

I'm sooooo late that its no longer fashionable.

scorps FUCKING A!!!!! CONGRATUMALATIONS!!!!!!! YOU WON A BAYBEE!!!!!

I'm breathless with excitement for you.

Yeah, yeah, over use of !!!!!!! here's some more !!!!!!!!!!!! Tis all I can manage to say.

So, are you the arse end of the MSDP or at the cutting edge of MAD? When do they swap? I need to know.

Am off to hospital for blood tests this morning then bloody training course. How selfish, don't they know that scorps is up the pole & I need to be on MN?

Blimey, what a weekend to go away for. I don't know wher to start, or what order to do it in!

Scorps wonderful news, congratulations. Nothing like a diff to shove two fingers up at NHS beauracracy (sp?). Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and a one-sneeze-and-its-out type labour

Lady I am so very sorry for your loss. Words don't go anywhere near enough. I hope you're being kind to yourself and surrounding yourself with people who love you. Am truly so sorry.

12pt why such a rubbish day at the weekend and why facing such penury now? Oh, wait, you don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry moi luvva... Hope the hangover has gone now but the sore nips are persisting... am going t message you elsewhere to see how your train times worked out in the end, see if I can muscle in on your meet and impregnate all in attendance personally...

Head I'm sorry you had such a bad day with the rotting equine. I am personally absolutely sure that it is in fact an Olympic dressage champion in the making, and as we know I am very rarely wrong, so if you could just realgin your perspective to mine, and come and rest your head here on my busom for a moment... if you rummage a bit there's a bit of croissant down there somewhere I dropped earlier.

Arsebiscuits, I knew I forgot someone - Pollster, why such a shit weekend?