30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

What Aries said! .

Of course what we really want is for some kind of freaky mass diffment, as per Ocarina's instructions...I'm sure there are horror books about that

Aries luvva am mental sorry about your bad day . I'll be sure to bring a bottle of port to the BESHmeet to make you feel at home

Why port? - cos it's yummy. Not that I ever remember to drink it. Sorry you had such a shitty day :(

Oh God, I can't believe I am managing to post on MN. Willstop.

Sounds like you need to go back to bed luvver.

Coz I iz diffed 2?

Oh Aries .

What DPO are you, anyway?

Dunno. I'm crap. All I'm basing this on is that we had sex twice when I had egg white.

Remember John Wyndham's The Midwich Cuckoos? Everyone in t' village falls asleep and when they wake up ALL the women are pregnant. Even the elderly post-menopausal types. Of course they all give birth to a golden eyed, telepathic alien master race but an irrelevant detail. We should set a date. Maybe for the next Palais or the one after (as we may be doing pirates next)?

I love that book. I also like the film of it (which is called The Village of The damned, I believe?)

Hey Lady how you doing?

Sorry about the hangover Rie. You may be diffed though I s'pose.....Can we kick you yet?

PolPot why was your weekend so bad, dear?

clearly cos you is diffed - why else? When's droid due?

LGG that sounds like an interesting plan, we could spawn a whole load of miniBESHes to take over the world....

Ref who's next, i was just eyeing those who appeared to be in the palace at the time. No intention to single out/ offend. I will continue to rub widdershins and lay sacrifices at the feet of goddess Lyra in a bid to help all me ol' BESH muckers get diffed. And wish well for newer palace residents too, of course. Bugger, can't scroll on phone to remind me what else i was going to say. Will come back when not in car.

I know I'm not diffed! I'm just contemplating the delicious irony of such terrible timing and after having gone on such a bender. I'm 5/6 DPO. Please don't kick me in the kidneys - I am very fragile in body and mind today.

The cat is doing big sad mews at me and has cobwebs all over her whiskers. She's sooooooo cute! Sometimes I think I only want a baybee because I can't stand the idea of the cat dying in a few years...

Curlz, don't be stupid! Offend indeed...

I'm ok Salty. Still up and down but ok. MrGG is here, been to park with miniG and fed the ducks. Went to the Food festival in town. My friend/Director popped round with lovely bunch of flowers and
listened supportively and told me not to worry re: work, to do as much or as little as wanted. Which was helpful. I do feel very sad, I miss being pregnant, miss daydreaming about my baybee, I am grieving for what could/should have been. But I knew something wasn't right I think so this one just not to be. Next one will be a sticker I hope. So got to grieve but also look forward to the future. And to my little golden eyed BESHlet to be.

The killer going to be if/when I do get diffed again. Going to be a complete knicker checking menkulist bankrupting self with daily private scans.

But none of us are entering the festive season without a BOC firmly in place, goddamn it. One for all, all for one etc (hey, maybe BESHketeers battling the evil Count Droidlieu).

I have never been so late to a party in my life. There is no booze left except kumquat liqueur, no food left except pickled onion Monster Munch, and nothing left to say except:

OMG SCORPS IS UPDIFFED!!!!!!

The Queen of the BESHES, a PESH at last :o. So so happy for you matey - but don't leave us, will you? .

G'ah, Cardinal Droidlieu.

You are being SO brave ladyG. I could only hope to be as dignified. You are a BESHpiration.

"A BESHspiration". Like

How's OurLyra today?

Hey, Scorps' baybee is due on my DS's 3rd birthday! Tis a sign of great things I tell thee.

LadyG could I please present you with a rosette (had it hanging around from one of the infamous BESory towers gymkhanas, dontcha know) It says 'winner of dressage event' in the middle, but I've scribbled that out with a crayon and written 'Most Philosophical and Bravest Person in The World '

Pins onto LadyG's lapel.

Just when you thought the celebrating and excitement had abated...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SCORPSSCORES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aM So EXCITED and chuffed (and hungover) for you my lovely fellow merry maid, (see this is where it's really annoying to have been stalking hiding in a non sinister way for so long, because you won't believe how excited I am, but I am, so there. Well bloody done to you and the saintly patient TYF, all his hard work has finally paid off. Oh it just fabulose, you see you can do it!! I have honestly never been so pleased and non bitter ( and I have a BA in bitter) for another differ.

cf Hangover: there's no gin left in the West Midlands, apologies if you live there and were after some. Woke up this morning with bleeping head and bleeping droid, which is really not so bad- although it would have been nice to be the 'ooh I never had a period again after my mc, diffed immediately'girl, but not likely,as had no idea when would have ov'd, and would have had to do the sechs ALOT, which we kind of did, but too late apparently, so not disappointed_ at least now I Know Where I Am cyclically as it were.

Head, you're ace, have some of this tequila left over form last night, which we slammed with cucumber as there was no lemon. Try it, its really nice.

Am off to go and act my age, which I didn't yesterday, which is why I feel twice it this eve. Ironic, n'est-ce pas?

How about a special Hangover Pit Moley?

Am just starting to think about Toast'n'Tea.

I am back hagellinis. Was down da South Bank too. Are you less down on your (amazing, I am sure) work, HeadLecturer?

CherubMyCherub I iz so pleazed for you, I do not know what to do wif all the emotions brimming for Scorpolicious and yourself. Was this a 12 week-er?

Salad you are not turning into a bad person. It is hard to remember sometimes that this is a random game. Especially as some people (not BESHes, obv) make it competitive. But I am sure I will come back and rant similar things at a different time. So you taking your laptop?

Aries literary critic? I am getting nervous about BESHmeet. Though, of course, it is bound to result in diffment. Ideally, diffement en masse. How long have you two been at it (I know you said the other day how long you've been on MN, but not sure how long you've actually been trying.)? You aw right, otherwise?

BigGee of course it will be a BESH master race!

BESHies I have a yen for a print blouse with some sort of pussybow thing. Any suggestions?

I have also just ordered a pair of fabulouser purple Fly shoes off of ebay.

Filling the empty hole in my life with clothing? Moi?