30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

I seem to have something in my eye. Scorps my dear I am so very, very pleased for you.

Orchid, it has been my vow to never 2WOOFL publicly after about 6 months of trying (before than, I had awarded the dubious accolade of Queen of Menkul for my incredible levels of 2WOOFL!). I started to suspect on Wednesday - felt breathless and slightly nauseous for no discernible reason, breasts felt normal PMT-painful but there were no other droidular advancements occurring and on Thursday, I kept weeping - not crying, but weeping - all day over nuffink (PMT isn't my style). Also, I've never gone beyond 6pm on DPO11 without spotting, even when I was young, so as Wednesday was DPO11 and passed sans pink panther and so did DPO12, I allowed myself a teeny bit of excitement. But everything was so subtle that I kept telling myself I was imagining things. If I wasn't actively TTC and as attuned to my own body as I am, I wouldn't have suspected a thing. I still can't believe it and keep cigaring myself vigorously!

Lot of eye-hayfever about at the mo, eh, BESHies?

Fuck me! I away for 24 hours and I come back and find this?????????????????????????? That's pretty amazing Scorps, seriously. Am so very happy for you . Incredible.

LadyGG you are a lovely, lovely woman. That is all.

And as for Cerubina's OMGTWINZ.......!! (dunno what to do with all the 1's at the end - soz)

OMFFG SCORPS am completely utterly thrilled for you

Hurrah for the PCT-up-yours-instadiff! Now for god's sake leave off the cigars, woman :)

Also OMFG x 2 TWINZ Cherub!!

Hurrah for the Tao of the BESH; it is truly mighty.

HB Pencil I hope you are cheerier today and I would bet good money that whatever it is you are writing is not remotely shit; for you have a lovely turn of phrase on here and have made me laugh my arse off on numerous occasions.

Post-luncheon squish for LadyG

May I just say: OMG!121111!!!!3!

Oh and HB, I have read it remember? I thought it was good. And I, as you know, am a literary critic of some note. (presumably it's the same thing?)

God I'm SO hungover. I think I have some miners drilling in my brain. Think am actually dying.

Cerub aha! I know you - and in that case I am absolutely fucking delighted for you! OMGTWINZPONIEZ! Another of our midst (from that website) has OMGTWINZ and the girl who got diffed the same time as me (first time) has a healthy little boy - so we all got there in the end!

Congratulations scorps.

Bloody hell - absofuckinlutely over the button moon for you Scorps. That is amazinging fantabulous news. Congratumulations to you and TYF - I'm gobsmacked that you actually managed the up yours pct instadiff

Quite a bit to catch up on lovelies - soz if I miss anyone out but all of a quiver with than news today.

Lady so very sorry about your very sad news. You sound so amazingly strong and there is nothing I can say that will help but we're all here for you.

Thanks to Pol and Cho - I feel honoured for the name checks. I am still gutted, spesh considering I'm having horrendous period pain like the last failed IUI, oh well. 3 is the magic number, yes it is.....and now I feel as though needles lady could very well work some Scorps stylee differ magic on me too. Tres excitement (i'm aware that is crap fraglish but hey ho I don't care .

Cerub I don't know you so hello my dear

What the hell is 'fraglish'? Reminds me of Fraggle Rock, remember that?

Iz it speaking pigeon french with a mouth full of hazelnuts? cinc Off to Gaye Pareeeee tomorrow, so might try it. Can't get a worse reaction than I normally get to my appalling shy schoolgirl french which lapses into English after the first embarrassed sentence.

Have revealed my extreme chuffed-ness on the PESH thread but am soooooo excited for scorps I had to register it here to. Ginormous congratulations, you sexy reformed menkuller!

Seems also to coincide with a certain little written word project of yours, non?

Hope the positive-ness rubs off on a few more of you.

SladBum, 'ope you 'as a fantastique tahhm en Pareee a demain, ma puce Ooooh lala, I eees so jalouse!

Cinco, fanks for the congrats. I really, truly believe that the needling helped, so I hope that inspires you further as you go for your first sesh this Wed. And that she works her pricky magic on you too BUT! Don't tell her about my win (I dunno why you would, but am being para) as want to surprise her on Thursday!

And sorry for long-time no drop-by. Nice to "meet" all the fresh blood new BESHs. Big congrats on the twinz cherub.

So sorry LadyG. Is it ok to offer a stranger a hug? You sound lovely. Tres magnanimous.

'tis an Indian summer, laydeez, so I really hope there are a few more MSDP winners.

scorps I just announced your news in a sort of wetting myself frenzy to my in-laws. They have taken themselves off to the kitchen, probably trying to work out how to save their first grandchild from the nutter who married their son...

Ta scorpadiffdra I'd gladly let you go instead. Sounds terribly churlish but I am really not in the mood for it (esp as have to get up at 4am tomorrow Not feeling the most chipper which, now I come to think of it, makes me wonder if lack of needles this week has anything to do with. Haven't felt this stressy since I started but then that maybe just the time of the month (post OV) and the FC shit. Plus means means no SFF or SWI to implant as by the time I get back TB will be on pre JIAP spunkfast. Got a spare difftastic snog to cheer me up?

Hey ho, pls to apply some mackeral slappage if any left over cinco I needed to HTFU, I am getting sick of the sound of my own needyness. Friends coming round in a bit and gonna drag her to the plot in the sunshine so hoping that will do the trick.

Course I won't pette, 'tis your news to share!

Am very jealous too of le paris trip bombs, have been loads but most special was our honeymoon 3 years ago (anniversary this week, doesn't time fly). Ooh la la. Am presuming it's all work and no play for you though? Still better work than some eh?! Bon voyage lovely.

Cross posts dearie....be nice to yourself. You had a big shock t'other day and need to let that settle. You're bound to be feeling a bit wobbly. I've had all the mackerel I'm afraid but pliz to have this pollock I found in the freezer

Hello curly you feel sound nice. Just made me chuckle re outlaws and hb and rie defo at front of the que. I love it that the PESHes drop by now and then.

thanks, thats better. I'll be fine once I'm there, just the anticipation. At least I get on with the other 2 that are going so it should be a bit of a giggle. Any tips on nice places to eat? Think we are staying round Arc de Triomphe somewhere.

Scorpreggo? Really? Tis fabulous news! And an excellent two fingers to the PCT, Con-dems and whoever else is conspiring to prevent BESHes getting diffed. Whose letterboxes were you going to poo through again?!

Have you formulated a cutting way to tell your uncle when the time comes? Or are you going to leave that joy for your Mum?

Fucking Hell, I am so wishing I got up earlier today! (Am not really a lazy caahh.. was up all night with a sickly Boo, honest.) Scorps I am fucking beside myself with excitement for you! I tried to ring you but got your answerphone, left message (complete with weepy eyes and squealing!). I've had the shittest weekend ever, but I am soooo happy now, thanks to BaybeeScorps.

Can't believe I stayed in bed nursing cocktail induced hangover so late today of all days. Scorpzzzzzzzz am more excited than an excited person during a special day of extra excitement! (I know that's weird as we've never met) for you. Shut your fucking face uncle / PCT / ConDems / FC fuckers for Scorpington has won her baybee so effing there!

Am hoping for OMGtwinz for you my lover.

Cherub actual OMGtwinz, OMG

All that squealing has started up the nape area hammering again so am off to mainline nurofen express and eat my bodyweight in greasy, stodgy, wonderful carbs.

Is everyone else's thread gone onto one massive page which takes ages to scroll down? Thanks for kind thoughts regarding mine and HB's posish in queue but I have to respectfully disagree. Tis the LovelyLozza's, LovelyLycra's and the EquallyLovelyButSadlyAbsentsButHopefullyLurkingExtreme's turns next. Oh yes. But we'll gladly take fourth and fifth, won't we Bangers?

Aries there's a bit at the top right where you can tell it to show pages to avoid the stupid long everyone's post on the same page thing.

And Occy too! She too has been here longer than I.

Didn't someone somewhere suggest we should all just get diffed en masse? That would solve all issues of queue jumping!

Right let's do it. FWIW we had a vereeeeeeeeeeeeeeee stressful, hideous day yesterday and are now looking at a prolonged period of penury and also I got SO WASTED last night it isn't funny. So the chances of me being diffed are approximately 100%, all the more so because of the potential BESHmeet next weekend. And I have hurty nipples. And nausea, though the latter may have something to do with the wine, beer and port I consumed last night

Scrope's news has raised a smile anyway.