30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Don't be ashamed! Meltdowns are our bread and butter here (and I understand the nightmare of writerly woes).

Yep, I HAS WON MY BAYBEEEEEE!

I actually knew on Friday, but wanted to wait to post as would not have been right with what poor LadyGGG was going through (I hope it's not tactless or too early now).

Me and TYF are in a grinning daze right now

Oh, and laydeez, I can conclusively state that receiving oral sex does NOT stop you getting pg!

Woohoo, fabulous news, Scorps, so so happy for you!!!

Scorps I am soo, soo pleased for you. Don't worry, not insensitive. I can seperate grief at my loss and happiness at someone elses gain. They are not interconnected events (unless...you didn't steal MY baybee did you?! ).

Sorry prolly a bad joke but niv mind. So tell me how this was achieved. You relaxed, didn't you. ()

I am honestly vay, vay plizzed. Nice to have some good news.

Big cuddly hugs for you and TYF.

Just such awesome news. Can't have happened to a more deserving BESH (no offense to anyone else i hope) especially after the none referral and all that has happened recently. 2 more spots in the Deli left then. Hope you still hang out here for a bit sheshootshescores

TB can't quite understand why I am so excited about someone I have never met being diffed :o

You're lovely, you are xx

Yo BESHes and I am trooly 'umbled by the reception here from y'all.

Can't post much at the mo but four points of business:

1. To LadyGG I am so, so sorry to read what you're going through and your dream brought a tear to my eye - it is so lovely to think your Dad would be taking care of the little one.

1. Skipole well deduced on the webshite - if you want a clue as to i-d I used to have a name like a little cheeping thing. Vay delighted to hear of wee Julian's arrival too I was

1. Head it sounds as if you need a day away from the diss. Any chance of that? If not, have my very first grope on here and a nipple tweak - I shall have to get very stern if you don't knuckle down.

1. OMGTWINZ!!!!!11!1!!1 innit. Yup. Cliche-o-meter goes off the scale and explodes in a pile of springs. Got a scan pic and everyfink! Vay delighted obv.

Took the babies to see Muse Friday and Saturday (band not poorly diffed Muser ) and hope they didn't get dislodged by the noise! A top few days all in all.

If OK I'll fill in the BESHtionnaire from work tomoz - at which point you'll all nudge each other and go ?you tell her?, "no you tell her" as you shake your heads at how lame my answers are. It's a lot of pressure I tell you. I know it's unlikely anyone will ever better Minge's opening gambit on here. Foolish to even try!

Right, fucking essay so will stop - have a profane day of boozing and sechs wontcha.

Tis the power of the BESH Sisterhood, Salad. We bare our souls here and look after each other's so tenderly.

LadyGGG, I have been very worried about my news upsetting you. I know you're lovely enough to separate grief from happiness, but I appreciate it won't be easy to read. I haven't stolen your baby though - I'd give anything for you to still have it

I done a Drom - AC peeps press the fuck-off button and I won an ironi-diff. NO FUCKER TELLS SCORPETTE NO! Is most definite 'fuck you!' win

Am v old and fattest I've ever been. So fuck 'em indeed!

Quick, let's all start telling each other we're too old/fat/haggard/thin/flatulent/amoral/boozy to have Les Baybees! 'Tis the only way to win!

Fekkin' ell, I am running out and did not even have time to read everything, but I cannot believe it! CONGRATUMULATIONS SCORE!!! THAT IS SO AMAZING! I have just welled up. Seriously, this is silly. Why is my keyboard wet? It was SO your turn Score, so was.

Aw right haggities, gotta go but my day will be that much brighter. You iz well lush Score and you and TYF deserve your baybee win and it will be a most amazing (if somewhat bonkers) baybee.

Gotta go, I'll come back and sop some more laterz.

Oh, oh, and you caught the end of MSDP! Well done!

Woooooop woooooop! Congratumalations Scorp. You must be floating on air! x

Holy piss sticks! Scrofula I am so chuffed for you! Talk about snatching victory from the jaws of defeat - you must have some potent powers to get updiffed in the same month you were told to fuggeddabout any help on the NHS. Massive congrats and nekkid dancing and a bit of reverence for your witchy ways.

Who told you about my flatulence, HB?!

CherryRibena, am so happy for your OMG_TWINZ!!!!!!!1!1111111111!!11!! Who cares about cliches when there's baybeeeees involved?!

My 2nd line was strong and am all ooooh about the school of thought that says the stronger, the line, the more likely it is twinzzz

head I am/was all of those except fat. Worked for me! As most beshies know I believe in the 'too much booze and late night drunken shags' procreation programme.

scorps is often just to do with how long post-ov etc. I've had v strong lines but no omgtwinzzzzzz...

Congrats to icklecherub

I am the stubbornest git anyone could have the misfortune to meet (fulfilling Scorp stereotype). Every single atom of my body refuses to accept things it doesn't like (ie no referral). I have basically bad-tempered this baybee into existence!

BTW, also proves the 'relax' thing is bollocks (for me, at least) - was heartbroken, severely depressed and anxious the weekend of Ov, as was just days after the AC knockback!

Although, p'raps I DID relax, in another way - I told myself I'm sick of my weight and it wouldn't be good to get pg, so was going to diet and exercise like a mental, drop a few stone and properly start at/after Xmas. HA! As soon as I stopped feeling like it had to happen 'now', it bloody did. Fuck the world for being right!

Gin, tested on DPO13 - was day droid was due, but was only CD27, so dunno if that counts as early or not. Look, leave me to my OMG TWINZ!!1!!! fantasies!

The problem with free hotel wifi is it falls over a lot leaving me dancing around shouting OMFG like a loon and MrM being confused. Told him I was happy cos someone on the Internet was pregnant.

SCOOORPS! I will forgive you the stealth WOOFLing as know how menkul it makes you. Iz best news evah! OMGPOnIeEZzzzz!1!

I am totally made up for you. Is fab. That'll show the docs, mad uncles and all.

You are so right scorps you ladees are zee besht. Hey, do you remember me saying I'd give up my place in the queue for you? Allow me to fantasize that thats what did it :o

gin I like the sound of your program, heartily sick of the no booze, healthy diet, horse tablet vitamins program we are currently on (sort of blew the no booze bit last night anyway so who knows) plus I can definitely get involved with the flatulence aspect of hbs plan.

OMGTWINZ!!!!!!11!!! all round then, glad you are happy about it cherub i would be a bit but then 2 for the price off one would be pretty cool too. I always wanted to be a twin just for the japes.

Holy shit yeah, can you please take a photo of Uncle Fuckers face when you tell him? Bless him, I am sure he will be so chuffed but it would be nice to see him eat his words.

Well I have to go away for 4 days tomorrow with work, do I take the laptop so I can keep up with you all or just have a break for a few days? Poll pls. Probably be on a new thread by then.

You can actually sing 'shut your fucking face uncle fuckerrrrrrrrrr!' when you tell him

Also not meaning to piss on your dreams scorps! is only that I had exactly same thoughts this time round (although I was more at the thought...can only cope with one more!)

Woohoo, scorpreggers! brilliant, brilliant, brillant newses! Am so pleased for you!

Scrope!!!!!!!!!!!!! forgive the overuse but am tres excited for you. Fair warms the old cockles that does. So, do tell all - did you have any signs of diffment that you were not telling us about? What haz you differently this month? I prob noes the answer to that is naught different, was just your month but let me ask nonetheless! woohooooo!