30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

mule for me too. Is 2 for one this evening

Just you and me Hoppy?

PS Dear, dear LadyG I do hope the chit chat does not seem insensitive to you - you are very much in our thoughts

I am hoping Lady is taking comfort with her family. Seems like it is just you and I Saltn'Peppa. We must have a bar in The Palace, non? Though I never looked at the menu.

And annoyingly, now I am really craving a cocktail.

Just you and me, hey HopOnMeAnyTime

Yeah me too.....will settle for delicious glass of vino though, as is all I have. that's something to be said for our Ole mate 'roidy, at least you can have wine without The Guilt.

I am also making curry. Am perfecting the Pathia recipe I was handing round last week.

I heart curry.

Am thinking of you & hoping all is okay x

Mmmm. I'll pretend I am having the mule. Can I have some curry too, pliz?

What was that bird? Where is my bra?

Morning sl hags. a cosmo is cranberry juice, lime juice, triple sec and vodka, i think it would probably taste nice made with gin tho. sorry i missed the cocktail party, actually went out and socialised for a change.

Legover I know what you mean re: the broodiness. its just seems so utterly contrary and I suspect I am just wanting what I can't have. I hate that I get a bit judgy at the slightly rough couple in the supermarket with the scruffy looking kids (i want to steal them and put them in dungarees instead of trackies). :( and the news that my good friend's complete loser of an ex's new girlfriend is 4 months pregnant (they have been together 5 months) Cuz had her little girl yesterday morning (3 hr labour) and I am over the moon for her but also a bit jealous. I feel like this business is turning me into a horrible mean spirited person. :( Think i am a bit hung over and have that post booze self loathing thing going on (3 small glasses of wine ffs, i have completely lost my powers)

anyway nuff about me, hopefully salts this is just your cycle doing some readjusting after your mc? would have thought it might take a couple to get back to normal. Any left over curry?

Ah, good morning Owler you are not men spirited, but you did steal our underwear last night..

Good morning the rest of you, hope everyone is ok.

Morning everyone. I am in the most colossally awful vicious fucking temper of all time and have already a) wept and b) shouted, and it's barely past 9am. I have fucking HAD IT with this stupid fucking piece of shit thing I'm writing, and honestly, if I could explain how drainingly dismal it is to spend every fucking waking day for four fucking years slaving away over something you know is nothing but a piece of flimsy bollocks I would, but I can't. I'm flogging a dead horse, and the horse is rotten, and there are maggots creeping out of its eyes, and my arm aches from the whip, and still I have to fucking flog on and on and on and on and on.

Ahem.

I feel slightly better having got that out of my system, sorry!

Hoppity that broodiness biz is filthy. Gets you in the guts when you least expect it, no?

Lettuce you are NOT mean-spirited. This thread is a like a sort of panic room. You can run in and bang the door and get all those feelings out and it's safe from the outside, as it were.

Squeezes all round. I'm climbing into a different kind of pit entirely and will clamber out now and then to see what's going on.

Mornin', Ladies. I'd just like to point out that following the Tao of BESH really WORKS!

Score? SCORE??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

NO WAY!!!!! Score scores! So so so pleased and excited for you!!

Oh lovelyhead c'mere and have a snuggle. You are talking bollocks I'm sure, but any long-term project has moments/days/weeks where all your hard work appears to be nothing but a massive pile of steaming donkey poop. I get this often with The Stuff What I Do.

Have a break for a bit today as you can't carry on whilst The Rage gnaws at your very soul.

I have made you breakfast

scorp!!!!!

Fucking A my lovely! x1,0000000000000000

Thanks ever so Gin. You're right of course. I think I'm going to wander around the South Bank to take my mind off it.

Sorry you are having a mare with the writing HB I bet its not as bad as it seems. Can't imagine you writing anything that was not exceptionally luminous and clever, but kin hell 4 years is a long to spend on one project. I hope you don't stay in the other pit too long as I value your pithy insights too much. Panic room is perfect analogy for instance.

Large gin cosmos for all

Shut Up head

You feels what you feels matey. No shame allowed

WTF!!!! must learn to refresh before posting. SCORPS!!! you diamond, massive shit eating grin on my grid for you. :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o mad please for you!!!!

Breakfast of champions :)

WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE????? Can we wake them up?

OY YOU LOT SCORPS IS UP THE POLE!!!!! STOP FUCKIN' SLEEEEEEEPING!!!!!!!

(sorry for all the ! always get a bit over zealous with em when I am emotional)

whoot!!!!!!!!