30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

My cousin literally just posted re: birth of her baby on Facebook too. Happy for her but a little bit .

I rang our private scan people and they don't scan on weekends anyway so might as well wait til Weds. But thanks for the thought.

Lyra I lived across the road from St Mary's when at uni! Got my dissertation bound there as I recall.

starrynozzle I don't know, Promenading in here, all bedecked out with Lights, anyone would think you were a Pier of the Realm... or Robbie Williams.

Sorry don't know where THAT all came from.

Gaga could you try ringing on Monday see if there is a cancellation? I hope the bleeding stops over the weekend and Uncle Bulgaria buggers orrf! (jeez, what IS it with uncles this week?)

Ignore Lyra - I get all my fertility advice from ferrets.

Although I guess that's why I was a bit alarmed at how much IVF costs privately, when I'd been lead to believe it's only 10 cobnuts and a dead moth

LG3, the waiting until Wednesday things is a bag of shite And the private place not being open at the weekend is RIDIC! Mind you, the lunacy of the NHS (and now private places, it seems!) operating like people only ever have problems Monday - Friday. Am hoping the spotting is stopping (or at least not getting worse). I can hardly breathe in my place from the candle odour/smoke but it's staying lit for you As for announcement -

Ooooh, Ski, giving me Ye Olden Dayes flashbacks to Cunty demanding 'scan THIS, bitch!' All whilst wearing her unsuitable skirt too...

ladyg

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/433956-pregnant-after-miscarriage-can-you-get-early-scan-lewisham-london/AllOnOnePage - saturday scans at lewisham

www.thelondonultrasoundcentre.co.uk/ - does weekends

www.thebirthcompany.co.uk/ - does weekends

These are just the first 3 google found. :)

Oh fucksticks, a second PCT in my area has just pulled funding (article here). no prizes for guessing who will be next :(.

Moley that is my home town ! Shit I bet I know you...

Friends of ours have just announced first-time IVF success following their 12 week scan :). So it can work. If you can fucking get it.

fuckitty fuck, north south divide strikes again :(

congrates to your IVF friends Lyra

It's really a north/south divide on three levels:

• we have a massively reduced choice of clinics (two for whole NW)

• the results of the clinics that we do have are shit (14 and 23% for Manc and Liverpool respectively, as opposed to 30-40% in That London) Even private providers in Manc are no better than NHS FC in Liverpool.

• the only two PCTs to stop funding so far are in NW.

We're going to have to start some serious saving and/or move to London...

..and now I really will stop the mememe clusterposting.

LadyGG my dear girl, I do hope you are ok. Big massive snogs to you. I am also a little in love with you as I have saved my own sanity by excessive use of tetris on many occasions!

I am appalled by the sheer randomness of decisions about baybeewinninghelp. I don't have anything useful to add, as I haven't gone near that particular road, as yet.

Hope you all have fun weekends planned.

Oh LadyG, I can't imagine what you must be feeling . I am fully enraged that you're expected to wait until Wed. for a scan - I may be being idiotic here but what about if you went to A&E? Apols if stupid suggestion.

Have caught up on you all and bigloves all round, but must now remove internet dongle for three minutes so I that I do some work.

Tis not stupid suggestion; I have had a scan in A&E.

The nice chap did say it was quick and dirty (oo-er) but it was enough to confirm what was going on - not dildocam though I am sorry to report. Damn, I should have asked for dildocam. BESHcommandmentsFail.

In summary; worth a bash if the worrying becomes unbearable or things get worse (am so hoping that neither of these happen).

LG, I went to A&E too when I had my miscarriages last year, and they would scan you. Definitely worth a try xx

So sorry to hear the bleeding's still going on LadyGG. Others have far better advice than I could muster about scans and things. Still hoping here that all is well, and that MrGG and miniGG are looking after you.

And sorry the FC news wasn't what you wanted to hear Hopalong. But hopefully go to ICSI, go directly to ICSI, do not pass go, do not collect £200 will remove some of the levels of heartache you might have to have gone through if you'd tried other stuff first. Presumably they search for the best sperm before they decide which one to inject?

I've had an afternoon of not stealing other people's children while making a dress for my goddaughter's first birthday present. Was fun and just what I needed to make sure I took at least part of the day off given I'm working every other day this week. I've been tired and grumpy most of the week, and it seems to be rubbing off on ttc. My temps are all over the place, I keep forgetting to take my vitamins and I just can't be arsed with the whole thing. Still trying to SWI at the appropriate moment, but it's all feeling futile. Suspect I need gin. Or less work would help.

Poor Occy - sounds as though you need a holiday. Vitamins have become just one more bloody thing at the moment haven't they. In (slightly) brighter news, I'm going to That Lunnon next weekend to see AriesNeph for the first time - the shame, given that he was born in the middle of July. Today I bought him a completely precious little fleecy hooded thing and a lovely mooosical mobile. I'm hoping he will inherit my a) gingerness and b) musical nature. Though as I was told some time back, nephews and nieces don't inherit traits from their aunts . I'm hoping Headbanger will come out to play with me. Anyone else?

I also spent some money on myself and bought two tunics and a top. They are bright and stripy!

Drink the gin Oxters. You know you want to.

Really sorry, I thought I'd posted before to you, LadyGG. Obviously I dreamt it. But get yourself to A&E for a scan, my flower - Wednesday is too long to wait.

.......................................

I'm starting to have very BESHy dreams. Not sure what that signifies. The other night is that Lozza had a win and last night, I was in an audience at a concert and I turned around and who should be in the row of seats behind but Ginsters and Drom. Now that's fucking weird.

Goddess you may have a point re. north-south divide. Though I have a feeling that we are lucky to have squeezed in a referral before ConDems. I am just sad at the overall probabilities for all the humankind. I want them to be 80% for all!. But I am gearing up to do proper research into the whole thing once I get off Health's boat, if I ever do. I was under the impression that you can choose any FC in the country, non? I mean, yes, I know it means travelling to London, but would that be too bad?

OhCarina! thank you for the kind words. I think they choose the best little fucker, but I am still worried that that fucker won't be good enough if he needs a bloody push to get in there. Maybe that is the difference between clinics? They know what to choose? I fail to see what else can they do so differently from eachother.

Do you know where you'd be referred to, SaladCream?

Question for the BESH temple: do you think we should take all this talk of assisted conception to a more appropriate fred, so as not to distract as it is only specific to a few of us?

Saying that, where is the CheekyCherub?

Score how much is private IVF?

Oh Aries I'm in that there London and would have loved a BESH play date but we're back in Birmingham for BIL's birthday pissup night out.

Candle still lit for the GaGafamily

AriellaBella I'll come and play with you as nervous as I am at a thought of a proppa BESHtroduction. How are you, luvver? I know you've been through some tough times while I was in lurkage.

OK, gin it is. Except I don't think we have any in the house. Lots of whisky, but I don't like that. And it'd probably stop me sleeping.

Aries I think I need a holiday to recover from my holiday! Only got back a week ago but seem to have spent the entire time catching up (until today). I suspect that ignoring me is probably the best plan until I can smile and play nice. (Managed to rant in presence of inappropriate person yesterday - ooops. Should be kept away from all humans, but not going to happen). Have a fab time in That London, diffment will surely result from meeting HB

Holidays are always exhausting Occy . I'm planning one at the moment. Am thinking of the north east coast in November - now I appreciate this may not be everyone's cup of tea, but I want to see the seals and the castles and all that shiz. And I'm looking for a gorgeous cosy cottage with a wood burner which will create a diff-making atmosphere.

HopOn - that would be well lush. I wonder how we could contact each other. I'm not up for posting my details on the world wide web! Perhaps someone with BESHmail could act as a go between?

Has Salty POAS'd again yet?

HopOn, you're right, I know you're right, we should do AC chat on AC...especially now we have a new friend there to let us in...but I doooon't waaaant to gooooo

RieRie - it takes 30 secs to set up a fake gmail, like I did to chat to Salad yesterday.

I don't see why you can't be in both Please stay. My only and honest reservation is that I know fuck all about it and can't offer the support I think you deserve. And I want to.