30s TTC: For BESHes who have been trying to conceive since the Higgs Boson was last seen

[ChoChoSan]

Come and learn the Tao of BESH, a path to wisdom and emancipation that can be gained only by careful practice and meditation on the central tenets leading the way from the barren to the Updiffed. The Tao consists of:

4 Noble Truths: 1) The life of an emancipated women inevitably leads to barrenness and babyfails. 2) Barrenness is caused by women?s FAILURE to procreate before they reach their thirties as a result of selfishness and evilness, and general hag-ishness.3) Barrenness ends when BESHness ends. This is achieved by eliminating The DROID, thereby reaching a liberated state of UPDIFFMENT. 4) Reaching this liberated state is achieved by following the path laid out in the Tao of BESH.

5 Pillars of BESHdom; YOU MUST: 1) Undertake Regular Visits to FC ? Always observing the ritual traditions of Getting Your Rat Out and Partaking of the Dildocam 2) Undergo the Purification Rite to evict the cobwebs, rusty bicycles and old prams from your ancient uterus 3) Realise that Camping will most assuredly lead to a swift and lasting visit from R2D2 4) Observe the solemn monthly rituals of ?the prodding of the buzwams? and ?insertion of cigar? 5) Recognise the terrible power of such artefacts as the CBFM, and despair!

Eightfold Path of Diffment;

1. Intercourse must always be a union of Winky and foofoo (No Hankyhole)

1. Defeat the negative karma of ?spitting a lot up the fanny? by pushing egg white up there after it

1. Appease the gods of fertility by rubbing your ovaries whiddershins

1. Pray to Jebus to put baybee in your tumtum

1. Have your uterus sprayed with Teflon, and apply gaffer tape to the lady garden to stop BOC falling out and making angelbaybees

1. Recognise that likelihood of diffment is in direct proportion to the number of poas you use, and the earliness at which you use them.

1. Confirmation of a WIN can only take place after you have undertaken your First BESHly Baptism, and assembled in a place of drinking with other followers of the Tao.

1. The state of diffment is confirmed when the second red line has been drawn on the poas, and the poas set on fire to release a pall of white smoke.

The BESHly acolytes are now called upon to provide suggestions for the Ten Commandments of BESH...JOIN US!!

Poor MrG!! obviously it is awful for you and must be very scary but horrible for him to not be able to be there for you, he must be going spare. It does sound like the EPU are not thinking the worst then. Lets hope the scan confirms it is just irritable womble (you will have it call it Uncle Bulgaria from now on) and your BOC is safe and oblivious.

Our cat is a terrible cougher but is rarely sick (he just swallows the hairballs again :S) apart from when he has eaten a whole bird, then he leaves the dismembered wings and feet for me to find and throws up the half digested body on the stairs. (hope cass morning sickness has passed ) the joys of being owned by a cat.

LadyGG am so sorry you had such a dreadful night. The thought of it makes my eyes fill. I hope MrGG is able to cherish you a bit, though of course he needs some too. Cherish each other.

Cherub you sound like a lovely lady and well done on your win! That was such a nice thing to do - popping in and offering support and encouragement.

My cat is a disgusting noisy vomiter also.

You are the best bunch of laydeez anyone has ever seen and if I was ever unkind or not supportive enough to any of you pliz to forgive because you are the coolest and kindest. There. Now line up so I can grope you all.

What I did not consider last night is how the hangover will influence today. Hmm. AND I have all these work negotiations to deal with, which are pretty intense. But it may be for the better. It sort of takes my mind off things.

HeadSpace have you got boy's results? I did not quite understand your post re. morphology.

Salty pliz to be diffed. I will try to arrange it with baybee deities, though we are not at the best of terms at the moment.

Cass thank you for your research, 'tis very kind. It is a pretty clear write up. The thing that worries me about ICSI is that it would be an abnormal sperm which conceives. Ie. if it is not strong enough to penetrate the egg, it's malfunctioning, and what does that mean for future development of the bean? I think that worries me more than all the shite I have to go through (as unfair as it is - I am thinking it Drom, and will think about why am thinking it at a later stage, I am sure ). I am also sure I will have many more thoughts and feelings in the days to come. But am trying to put it in the back of my mind now because I just cannot process it that quickly. Good idea for the shirts btw .

How are you Salad? I am in DeNile and as you say, hoping for the lastiminute.com

Lady I just read your news. Shit. So sorry. I hope they slot you into EPU today. Does irritable womble mean that all is fine, apart from your womble's temper? BESH candle and a snog for you.

CerubRock! I did not dump you! I did not have time for more than one thread (read: I was in denial about needing AC). I'll probably be back if you'll have me. Kind of you to pop by and offer brownies advice. Huge congratulations and I will pop by your home fred to see how the scan went (fingers crossed).

Exciting news re. treatment Scorps though I do not quite get it. They screen the eggs, which is great, but could the chromosome anomaly not be with the jizz?

So what's that place where you check FC's? Success rates an' all?

Morning Hopster . Glad you're feeling more chipper this morning...hope your booze-blues fade soonest. sausage sandwich on brown bread with brown sauce. The Doctor BESH has spoken!

Re the OM's results - everyone else's JIAP reading seemed to give something called 'morphology'. The OM's didn't; instead, there was 'percentage abnormal'. I have Googled this, and that refers to the percentage of sperm with 'abnormal morphology."

So I wondered whether this test instead of giving a reading for the percentage with normal morphology, it has given the reading for the percentage with abnormal, if you see what I mean.

However is % abnormal was 71%, which (if my thought process is correct, which I suspect it isn't), the normal morphology would be 29%. Given that the average normal morphology is 2-6%, that would be absurdly out of the range, so I'm probably wrong.

It's all immaterial because the consensus is 'fine' - but I'm a bugger for information and detail and want to know exactly what it all means!

Oooh, yes indeed, that is what morphology is PecilSkirt. I think it is indeed what you thought it was, it's just that he's got a lot of good ones, innit. I think we are going to put up the picture of the OM up on the Palais wall .

I am now going for the "Health MOT" at the gym I just joined and then for a ramen, which seems to be my hangover craving for some weird reason.

LGGG, I hope you get a scan as soon as poss, but it's good news about what you were told. It clearly happens enough for them to have a good idea about what it is. It's a bastard to be going through but is ultimately good news.

Don't force yourself to try to feel this or that, just be kind and gentle to yourself and try to carve out times in the day to treat yourself. Not easy with a little 'un, but maybe you could have a lovely snuggly nap together, things like that. And Mr GG sounds a treasure; lean on each other.

Lego, I dunno about the science behind that article. I just thought it was a clever new development, tis all

You iz right, Pette, I was just wondering. A bit obsessed with bad sperm at the mo, as you can probably see .

HB I've always taken 'fine' as 'we can't be arsed to talk you through what this actually means'.

Mind you I have a long track record of extracting far more information than is probably neccessary out of anyone in a white coat (including dentists). This is because I read somewhere that the more you understand, the less it is likely to hurt

Not sure this logic really follows with sperm morphology though.

HopOn am liking the picture of the OM plan.

In cat-news, I think I have removed enough cat-fur from aforementioned giant beast to fabricate a whole new kitty. Yuck.

Well I count that a highly successful first post on here! You lot are in very welcoming and chillaxed moods today (surely means imminent baybee wins all round) so I needn?t have kept my finger hovering over the ?post? button as I did. You seem a lot more gruff and hard-nosed from the outside (but vay vay funny). I like what you?ve done with the place in here, but it smells a bit funky with all those patchouli joss sticks going.

Fanks for the warm welcome, gin fizzes and elaborate Heath Robinson-type trap Snatch. You had me at ?deity? though.

Profuse apols for forgetting to namedrop Camelhaircoat (very in this season) who I remember from AC under her old username .

Another interesting factoid about me to help increase the mystique about AC ? after my few months of getting used to the idea of ICSI we were about to go for it in February when OMG pre-IVF diffment occurred from out of nowhere. So yeah, it does happen to real people, not just in the Daily Nazi. Obviously couldn?t have been more of a cliche, just file it alongside ?Relax and it?ll happen?. Anyone paying attention will probably be putting on a deerstalker round about now, filling their pipe with rough shag* and deducing that it obviously didn?t end well.

Have in fact had two natural conceptions in my 3 years of trying, both missed m/cs. Paid through the nose to have some special tests done on my blood and that, found there was a clotting problem and got prescribed drucks to take if and when successful again. Hence I am shooting up every night and have my very own sharps bin and everything, just like a health and safety-obsessed junkie might!

So yeah, today?s scan is a bit of a big one. Would compound the IVF cliches if it turned out there were OMGTWINZ!!!!1!1! in there wouldn?t it?

Oh and another claim to fame is I ?know? your alumna Skihorse from a former webshite we used to post on.

Terribly mememe I realise but hopefully some useful info in there if you search really hard.

HipHop I don?t blame you for needing to devote yourself to just the one fred, what I can?t see is how any of you hold down jobs and post like you do on here. I think it has quite literally taken us all of 2010 so far to get to almost fill up our current AC fred ? it got to the point when I had to get quite shirty recently because no bugger was saying anything! Whereas you dealt with BESHory Towers indecently quickly. There is probably a happy medium in there somewhere...

Right I need to post this now before I leave to find out the troof. I am scared!

• Courtesy Blackadder

"This is because I read somewhere that the more you understand, the less it is likely to hurt"

Fabulous! I'm going to adopt this as my mantra. As befits the Taoist theme. Omm.

(though am still a little hazy about what Taoism actually is. Possibly is being confused with Buddhism)

Popping into check out new decor and to send LadyGaGa a gentile but firm tug on her sideburns in my bid to send positive vibes.

Cho totally loving the BESH commandments. Pure pure class.

Toaism is awesome, its the only 'religion' i have ever felt any affinity probably because its more of a philosophy and isn't deity based. Its all about having a low or positive impact on everything around you and being very chilled out and proactive but in a completely non aggressive way. Going with the flow etc. Wish I could actually BE like that for more than 5 minutes at a time.

However, I am seeing the Palais more in terms of a mother goddess worshiping priestess cult at the mo. (hence the chaining of Tom in the pit)

cerubina pretty fan static 2nd post if you ask me, you obviously are a PESH gone astray (providing you have cream walls and like gin?) Gruff you say? Maybe a tad mouthy when riled in defense of a fellow BESH but not gruff. :o Loads of the luck with the scan today, do come and tell us whether its OMGTWINZ!!!!1!!! or not, if you get bored have the time.

Taoism is the only spiritual philosophy that's ever made any sense to me either.

I heart Cerubina! Good luck with the scan :)

Am off daaahn taaahn. Laterzzz, bitchezzzz...

I have the 'Tao of Pooh'- got me through some pretty rough times, I can tell you.

Hmmmn cerubina - - I haz no idea who are you are off the top of my head but I'd hazard a guess at the website - died on its arse about 18 months ago? If that's a yay then give me a clue? I'm so glad you're now diffed - I've heard only good things about ICSI - it's like IVF on 'roids and brilliant if it's the MAN's fault - which obviously it's not, it's our fault for being old. And women. 'Course teflon is teflon... :(

I got mentioned by CherubCheeks! Squeee! Hope the scan goes ok. We haz matching sharps bins too how cool.

Ratty&Moley I am interested in the philosophy behind the Tao of Pooh. Might it be worth an Amazon purchase? I am a firm believer in fate and karma and all such guff.

So back from dildocamming, as per AlmightyCho's pillar of BESH number 1, and survey says "Not cooked enough yet". So back on Monday for more hot lube 'n' dildo action and upping the drucks in the meantime. Wombular lining also chez crap so a punch to the Liddl carrier bag that seems to be my womble wouldn't go amiss please BESHes.

Sindy. get shooting up. Good luck for Monday.

Cerubina, you iz well lush innit. Can you stay?

In shock news, I iz busy working today.

Just wanted to say "Watcha" to cerubina. You're pretty hot, lady

Am off to bang head on desk some more.......

Now girlie I know I am surrounded by softies who would do anything for a grope, but where is the BESHtionairre? That is you I am talking to Cerb Sending Velcro vibes your way ParadoxCnut. Or is it thick duvet vibes? What does Tao of BESH say?
Now if you do not mind I am going to go into De Nile Maximus re ICSI.

And I refuse to type on iPhone eva again.
Cerub do come back and tell us about the scan. Then we'll grope you.

Mmm, two dildocams in a week? Lucky you Sindy'sMuff. You really are taking all the BESH Tao stuff to heart.

Was just checking in really to see if LadyGG was back but I guess not yet.

Lovely to have such an honoured guest in the Palais. Welcome Cherub.

You want a Waitrose carrier bag womble, Singyminge , that's where you're going wrong. All hail the twice-dildocam!

My, is that a 10 gallon keg of gin I see there? Let us not waste time; we have Commandments to follow.

I have baked a loaf of bread whilst simultaneously swimming 40 lengths (the magic of the bread machine, oh yes). I am now full of freshly-baked bread and will probably not be able to stand up tomorrow let alone shag.

Hope LadyG is okay; am flinging tasty bread slices in her general direction along with many positive vibes.

What can I say, I'm just greedy for Dildo.. No bloody Waitrose for miles round these parts. Would M & S do?

We've been discussing the virtues of Sloe Gin at work , and more cutting edge, sloe vodka. Apparently it's the way forward. I reckon that would go down nicely with some chilled cranberry juice. Got to be good for vitamin C and cystitis too surely?

Also hoping the bleeding has tailed off for GG and BOC is hanging in there.

Sloe vodka with cranberry juice is positively a health food, I'd say.

This is not just any womble ...

Sloe gin is lovely. A little bit in a glass of champagne is fab.

I have had a day off after doctor this morning told me I was very dehydrated from all the puking and threatened me with having to go to hospital rather than on holiday.

I have been successfully drinking water, and have even eaten food (god bless Dairylea triangles). I am determined to get on that damn plane.