1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

Stop getting me out of lurkage! But then I am only in lurkage because I cannot 100% concentrate on work. So can commiserate there too WeirdShoes. As with old fellas. Mine's 10 years older. And what do you have against men without a full set of hair, Scorpion? Eh, eh? Ok, so now I have disclosed that he is chubby, bold and old. A catch. I agree with the above logic. Obviously my 23 yr old self didn't.

Buahahaha. I prefer the term "plumptious".

The old giffers have maturity on their side, I like to think - unlike previous husb. who could not have been trusted with baybee as would probably have left it in supermarket or fed it crisps or something. At least I am confident this one will be ace dad (if he ever gets the chance).

Right, consent forms printed, batteries charged, am going to drink wine in the bath, woop!

Have a lovely evening darlinks x

Evening everyone. That is literally all I have the energy to write. Pokes in the eye and dead buttocks to all.

I don't have anything against men who are bald or balding. Unless it's my Ex and then I will slag him off for being a slaphead until the cows come home, the arsehole (he started going bald at 21).

He stole my best baby-making years from me with his lies, his non-interest in sex, his lies, his lies, his lies, his general crapness and by not being TYF. And his LIES.

Did I mention the LIES?

Now you must describe the lies. Well, you don't have to, but you repeated it so many times it is indeed intriguing.

(I am pretty cert those have naught to do with boldness though. )

The way I see it lovely men come along in all shapes, sizes and ages but not very often, so we have to take em were we find em, whether younger or older, balding, or plumptious (i like that one)

So scorps the ex was manipulative with the fabric of reality eh? Well he can just fuck right off then can't he, and he better hope he never runs into any BESHes.

Feeling very stressy (in an unwell way) today for some reason, not sure why. TB thinks its the 'baby stuff'. I need to have a word with myself or how the hell I will cope with the next 2 weeks and the subsequent disappointment I don't know (nothing like a bit of PMA :() Think bath might be a good call, although will be missing the glass of wine unfortunately.

Phew. Back home after a long day in the sticks. I tell you what, this is going to be farking irritating for most of you to hear, but anything beyond Zone 2 of London Tahn stinks, ya hear me? STINKS!! .

Re. bedside lamp: not entirely sure how that was achieved, other than that you know how, in films, lovers seamlessly move from one posish to the other with nary a moment of exertion? Suffice it to say that we're always willing to try, but are significantly a) heavier and b) less lissome than, for instance, that couple in Lust,Caution by Ang Lee (seen it? seen it? PHEW, WHAT A SCORCHER!).

Medee, I did indeed have a blob thing on the CBFM on Friday, hence the Love Me Two Times, business (the Doors had a song for every occasion). I'm really pissed off though because I also had a blob yesterday, and intended to SWI again (just the once, no doubt), but the fucking trains went all bent, and by the time I was back in civilisation London, it was well past midnight and I was so tired I could hardly stand up. I realise standing up is by no means a pre-requisite for shagging, but I refuse to let this TTC biz make me any more miserable than is strictly necessary. I have now run out of little stix for the CBFM so found a random Boots OV stick and it gave me a big fat NO! this morning, but I think maybe we'll try and get it on later. Sigh. The romance!

Score the tale of your ex's perfidy never fails to rouse the BESH rage. Some people are the most unutterable cunts, and there is no way around it. You do know that if you want the BESH cavalry to saddle up and bring about a bloody and devastating revenge, you need only say the word?

My darling husband is known as the OM, for 'the old man', not that he is (6 years my senior). Hilariously, I believe that in MN parlance 'OM' signifies the Other Man, and as BESH regulars will know, not only he is not the other man, he is indeed the only man .

Salad is as right as a right-handed man driving on the right side of the right road listening to Steve Wright play Right Said Fred. Lovely men do come in all shapes and sizes. So do tastes! Can't bear thin men or young men, myself: I likes 'em big and burly, thick unstyled hair peppered with grey, stubbled chin and expression of weary good-humour, and preferably approaching forty .

Right. Who's going to entertain me? I am hungover, and fat from picnicing under storm-clouds, and pissed off at missing a day' shagging

Well my bloke may be younger but he's been losing his hair for a wee while now - as gorgeous as ever to me though so no probs.

I worked in that there fancy Lahndan town for a while and at my leaving do was told in no uncertain terms that I was mad to consider going back to the provinces.

at all the pricks that we have had to endure at one time or another. The rocky road to pure love was long and arduous for some but we've got there in the end It will be the same for our babyeez...

Is it mad to think that a dream I had yesterday is actually a psychic premonition - like some flash forward type moment (although I didn't watch that because it was crap). I seem to have graduated from having dreams where everyone else has a baby but not me .....to ones where I'm preggo....to the latest one where we're cuddling our newborn baby daughter and marvelling at how she was nearly a Christmas baby. WTF?! Lovely if true but means I wouldn't get pregnant for another 5 months - waaaaah. Has actually made me question whether to go ahead with IUI [hmmm] Think I need a good slapping.

Sorry you're feeling stressed salad Hope the sober bath did the trick.

Sorry we weren't around to entertain you last night, Eddie I for one, went to bed early as I realised I had only had 5 hrs sleep on friday night. Seems to have done the trick as feel much better today. Is it too late for a feff?

I spent quite a bit of time working in that there London over the last few years and I can assure you I was always VERY glad to get home. Nice place to visit, wouldn't want to live there. But someone has to, so its a good job you love it :D

tarty not sure you should cancel IUI on the basis of a dream? Unless there are other reasons you want to?

Going to keep busy today, weeding, pickling and jamming so as to avoid doing me own swaaaade in.

cross posts HB i think the story of your luuuuurve affair with the OM is wonderful not boring, and plenty of secondary sources on here of total bastards to write about. And Easter theory is genius and obviously spot on.

:o

Oi, you can't have my man PencilCase! I'll fight you for the old and fat big and burly. 'Twas a good description. I'll give you a quick punch up in the mud, but then get back to my 12 Days Of Dissertation.

Hear, hear SaladDays. Though, why the blues? Is it the 2WOOFL? (Doh, shoves more mud into HB's face for own stupid question.)

Sorry Pette if I sounded insensitive asking about the lies, I dunno the story, being a semi-old BESH an' all. But I join all forms of violence against the bastard. I would even offer muddied up HB and I go over and beat him up right now, but I think that is more of a reward than a punishment for any man.

Lahndan, I dunno, I cannot grasp anything beyond zone 2 either but we are seriously considering somewhere outside for da air and birds and sea and idyll and what not. But it does make me freak out a bit. Maybe I'll ask BESHies for some advice on the matter at some point, but I really think I need to watch my MN word count for the time being.

'Tis deffo premonition, CincoSlut. Get over 'ere into the mud!

London? London? Once a year is enough for anyone. The culture traffic! The food noise! The entertainment filth! The public transport rude people!

Haha, any time we try and swap position we either nearly fall off the bed, or bang a head on the wall and its a kingsize so obviously all that film soft focus luuurve making is pyaaar LIES.

oh MTF yes 2WOOFL in full effect here, bored of it already!

I think I might be lost to any other part of t'country now, unless it's a croft in the Scottish Highlands. I didn't realise I'd become a dyed-in-the-wool Londoner until I got on the bus and almost wept with relief to see, instead of monochrome suburbaners, 2 x genuine punks, 1 x African woman in foot-high sequinned headdress, 2 x genuine London hoodies with a very sweet-natured staffie trying to climb into the lap of the hot girl-punk with the shaved head, several Muslim lads on the way home from Finsbury Park mosque, and sundry hipsters in full Blitz 40s get-up. And instead of quiet streets and shuttered shops, there were Turkish grocers selling yams and feta and ripe avocados at midnight, and cabs everywhere, and three fire engines outside a strip joint, and generally Things Happening .

Mind you I am pretty fucking sick of magnolia walls and no pets, so I suppose even our time might come...

PS LettuceLeaf, any symptoms?

No Head No signs! Unless a stressy feeling in the chest and tense shoulders is a 'sign' (sign I am a general menkullist yes, sign i am diffed, doubtful)

Besides I have no idea what I should be looking for and when? I feel slightly nauseous but I a pretty sure thats because I've just pickled 6 kg of beetroot and the house pongs of vinegar :o

I love londons multiculturalness. Its the noise and the rudeness of the some of the people that I don't like. Its nice to get back to the north and have a cabbie chat away to you and a check-out chick not look at you sideways if you say one word other than 'yes, please and thank you' Mind you, I think I spent too much time in 'the city' when I was down there which is not a true representation. Where abouts where you in 'the provinces?

I can't remember the last time I was actually in London proper (as opposed to Heathrow which doesn't really count). It's a year now since we moved from the not so big city to medium sized town suburbia and I miss being able to walk/get the bus everywhere and having an exciting variety of decent shops plenty of which were less than 5 mins walk from home. However given that said city is currently awash with tourists and impossible to get anything done in I'll live.

What I don't think I'd cope with in London is the time people all seem to spend commuting. And the cost of living in a shoe box. So I'll stick to up north.

I loved visiting London in April, not having been there in years, but I don't think I could live and work there.

I kind of love London. I can't picture myself living anywhere else. Except maybe Edinburgh.

I seriously thought about it a few years ago, it looked like we would could both gets jobs down there. But I think I would miss the outdoor space we have here (plus the company turned out to be horrible)

The universe is really trying to stick it to me this weekend. After a friend on friday night quizzing me about being pregnant just because I was driving and had posted a pick of some booties I made for a friend on facebook. Today I had some random woman at the allotment barbeque asking me "have you not brought the baby with you? Oh sorry I thought you were someone else." Not letting it get to me tho. :o

How's everyone else's weekend?

How funny is this? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1022232-Pillowcase-etiquette

So what do you lot think of this very important ishoo?

can't say it's something I've ever considered....

Oh my god, Aries I spotted that thread and almost posted "you lot have TOO much time on your hands" then thought that would be rude so just said in my head. I predict 10 pages by Thursday. :o