1001 Fallopian Nights: The BESH-Harem Opens for 30s TTCs & their silk pyjamas. Sherbert on tap. Baklava made by doe-eyed boys freely available. Kelims provided for SWI. Hookahs optional but welcome.

[Headbanger]

Scented silken tent opens its flaps* for business. Nubile veiled houris available for deep tissue sandalwood massage for that pre-droidal unease. Starlit pit tended by gleam-eyed sheiks proffering rum-soaked dates on golden platters. Goatskin rugs laid beneath hanging brass lamps for the un-PC BESH to frolic in furs. Intriguingly tarnished lantern housing benevolent Zita-Genie buried beneath piles of embroidered cushions. Don your curl-toed slippers & coin-fringed skirt, and I'll see you in the corner with a young Omar Sharif and ice cubes made from Tanqueray laced with desert honey and no you can't talk to him he's mine...

oh the shame, you can tell I'm a newbie as no idea how to add smileys etc.

Gentle? HAR! Take this, BakewellTartWithACherryOn:

17 months is the shits .

Lucks, kicks, gropes and herring-slaps for the IUI: hopefully the spirit of the BESH will travel with you.

Meanwhile: pliz to complete BESH questionnaire . Is necessary for untrammelled stalking and perving our records . It may take some searching, though it is by now so old and illustrious a document, it's prolly available on Google and/or in the archives of the British Library...

yay for scan Drom, tis most excellent.

Owlshoes I was trying to work out whether you were one owl that had two (or more) shoes, or several owls that had hoes. Couldn't decide what owls would be hoeing though.

cinco you must indeed find the entrance exam questionnaire. But in the meantime here's a kipper . Am also intrigued as to how you worked out who Cucumber is, especially given my general paranoia about being outed.

Scorps I can't remember whether I sympathised about droidness. Am hoping Polly's logic is right.

It's been a long week and I'm knackered so I'm waiting for TH to get home so I can send him out for Chinese because I can't be arsed cooking. I should really be doing the rest of the work I need to finish but I can't be arsed with that either, which sadly means I'll have to do it tomorrow. But I think I should ov todayish, so I may need to find the energy for SWI. Timing is most unhelpful.

Top marks for the phrase 'changing his pants'.

17 months is indeed the shits, here, have this large tray of refrigerator cake (i.e. biscuits and chocolate all smooshed together). Whilst it is scant consolation for the lengthy wait, you can at least throw it at people in here when they get violent - oh - hang on - too late.

Owls 'hos?

Even better

Apologies if this ends up being clusterpostingness.

Aaw shucks HB your welcome bought a tear to my eye. ( Disclaimer: I may well be a tad over emotional today). A few pointy shoe shin kicks and over familiar arse slaps straight back at ya.

Phew, found it.

Questions need to be answered:

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes') As per previous post - only if with lemonade...and nowt else to drink. Will that do?!

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar? Bagged myself a younger guy which is all good apart from the fact he's not even bloody 30 yet, harumph.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
   e) none, relax and "it'll just happen".

A 'well meaning friend' actually asked if we were having sex in the right way. I'm still smarting. And everyone has told me e - big load of bollocks. It's c of course. (or maybe that's where we're going wrong?)

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

a - just do it, although messes with your head as even when negative could still be updiffed. Obviously not yet.....but could be.

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

Evil droid. (See I have been paying attention)

6. what colour are your walls? Mostly cream with a dash of colour - like red in the kitchen.

7. Number of pets? 0. Our two cats actually did a runner when we stopped feeding them whiskas and stopped them clawing the new sofas to shreds. But like to come back every now and again to say hi.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame? hmmmmmmmm. tricky....can I come back to that one?

9. Lesbian crush? Penelope Cruz - especially in Almodvar films.

10. What are your views on camping? I like camping. Mostly involves sitting around a fire getting pissed doesn't it?

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Started off spending tons but had to reign it in when realised could be in for the long haul and pretty skint.

That's another reason I delayed joining Ocarina as was paranoid about someone reading stuff about me. However as pretty much all my friends have had babies over the past 6 months I don't think they'd be checking out the conception thread. And do you know what - so what if I am found out, I need to vent! Saladbomb is someone I've known for years through another friend. On FB and I put 2 and 2 together with a couple of things she said. What are the chances eh?!

Chinese - that's made me want take out too. Supposed to be saving cash, repeat to self, save cash and make pasta.

Mmmmmm - fridge cake, cheers my dear, hope it's got maltesers in it, nom nom nom.

Big welcoming hug (and hair pull) to sherlocktart 17 months is :( esp with the rest of your lot pushing em out. People do say some insensetive things :( Am lucky I don't still live back home as would be in the same situ there but thankfully (?) all my lot up here are either a/ still too young or b/ too dysfunctional.

Actually I was thinking that it might not have been a good idea to use a handle that I am quite well known for using elsewhere but when i signed up to MN i didnt really think about the fact that i would be discussing some v personal stuff. Then I thought that was totally paranoid cos there are like MILLIONS of people on here. I might get round to changing it in a bit. Anyway, tartypants I don't mind being outed if it means you get some support, if you ever need to chat IRL then just shout me. (actually we need to catch up properly soon, maybe we could do some illicit cg as long as it is never mentioned here)

Also having take away tonight, totally inadvisable after the financially disastrous day (week) i've had but have just sold the old car for CASH and its too tempting, plus the chicken didn't defrost properly (thats my excuse and I'm sticking to it)

toowhitshoes why the change? not that change is a bad thing? just wondering.

Aaaah, fresh meat Of course we'll be gentle with you, cinco - we'll just grope you above the waist for now. C'mon, whip 'em out, I haven't got all day

Am glad to have another despicable cougar about the place. V for you about the 17 months rubbishness. At least here you'll never hear the same HULK-enducing platitudes that thoughtless cunts well-meaning others in RL might throw atcha. Anhd don't worry about the gin - I don't drink any booze at all.
I mean, I do spend @ £500 a wk on crystal meth, but that's by-the-by

I WANT OWLSHOES! Not just in the biblical sense, of course (although I do) - I want actual footwear with owls on them NOOOOWWWWWW! Then I could wear them with THIS, which is my latest fashion crush. Or would it be too birdalicious?

You do all realise, don't you, that in years to come, the BESHtionnaire will be a historical document more important than the Domesday Book in terms of giving a snapshot of our society? (And I invented questions 2,4,5 and 10 - does the Nobel committee contact you by phone, letter or email, I wonder?)

That jacket is lusciousness! You may as well have this dress to complete the look.

I like the way the answers for question 3 seem to be getting more numerous, I am sure it only went up to d) when I did it. Like it has a life of its own....

Owlshoes? Owlshoes? Owlshoes?

That was supposed to be bold and italic.

Have been out for meal with PIL after sail. Was surprisingly convivial. Excuse my missing pronouns.

Aries chick, glad you had a good PIL time. . . I myself am always mildly annoyed when mine prove themselves to be sweet-natured, generous, kindly folk who deserve a DIL that's a bit nicer. . . Ah well. In other news, I can report that even after fourteen years, and no boundaries whatsoever including all matters relating to thrush, stomach upsets, bodily hair and sundry strains and rashes, it is possible to have sex twice in one day. We even broke the bedside lamp . Oh dear God, the CBFM says we gotta do it today too. . .

Broke the bed lamp? Details please.

@ HB and breaking the bed side lamp.

Welcome TartyPants, plz to meet you.

GreenStuff I need that dress, where is it from?

Right you bunch of luscious ole hags, I am off to The Seaside with friends (yes, I really do have some RL ones) for a night sans responsibilities, woop woop!

Ginsters and MuseaLot I hope the menkul is not too bad over the weekend.

fnah HB c'mon spill the lamp breaking deets

polestar I know. Turns out the brand is now out of business :( Bloody internet taunting us with lovely goodies we can no longer have. Have a lovely weekend.

Aries Glad your evening with the PIls was fun. Do you sail dinghys or larger boats?

lemontart not sure how long you have been stalking lurking so quick recap on our situ, sounds similar to you but earlier in the process. We haven't been using contraceptive for well over 3 years but have been actively trying for about 18 months, REALLY trying since the beginning of the year. Have just started FC tho as only went to docs about it in April (stoopid salad for thinking it would 'just happen') Things look ok with me so far but a bit on the low side with the boy. We have 2nd FC appointment on the 9th sept (along with two others on here) so expecting more tests for me and another JIAP for him, and we are on a sperm nurturing embargo on getting wankered with that in mind.

We went out last night as one of our friends was playing up here and we haven't seen him for ages. I thought initially not drinking was going to be annoying but it actually turned out be be really good fun. Although I know why we don't do it very often (drunk shrill people are VERY annoying) Had a proper good dance and woke up feeling chipper this morning.

Also I am pretty sure I ov'ed yesterday so at least we can give the SWI a rest for a bit :D

HB I hereby award you the World Cup of Marital Relations. . Now as MTF rightly requests, details or it didn't happen :D

The old fella & I have only managed to shag twice in one day on one occasion and I almost died of shock.

Hello and welcome cinquecento

Gorgeous dress; not sure I could pull off the jacket but the dress would hide all manner of waist-flabbage which is always excellent. salad change is indeed a good thing when one picked one's original name having tried a bunch of names and all the good ones were taken hence resorted to looking through nearest book to hand which happened to be a cookbook. And tis true that it's too easy to 'out' oneself on the internets - I googled my 'usual' web nickname and got 369 results which were mostly me, oh dear.

Going to the seaside sounds lovely; I'm going to Manchester tomorrow to photo a bunch of people with tattoos - hope I don't get mugged by the locals.

Good luck with the scans to all those lovely PESH people who have snuck in recently :)

b heady
did you get an egg yesterday on your CBFM? It might be enough but there is definitely no harm in doing it again today. the weekend we conceived it was Friday - high, SWI. Saturday - egg, SWI, Sunday - egg, SWI. On the fourth day we rested.

haha just noticed that dress was made by a label called lluela :o

Good morning luvverleys - or is that afternoon now. Just had our self indulgent lay in reading the papers. Not actually as realxing as it sounds as we tend to start ranting about the state of the world...but hey ho, nice all the same.

Ta very muchly for such a warm delicious welcome from you all - tis very much appreciated! Feel like snuggling in with a few of you....although scorps I haven't got much up top so you may be left wanting.

Ha ha at Head breaking bedside lamp. Me and hmmmmm, not sure what to call him as DH sounds a bit naff....anyway me and Him actually broke a chair in the first heady days of our courtship

:( radishrocket Didn't know it had been so long for you guys too - rubbish int it. (Apologies in advance, for some reason I tend to put on crap yorkshire accent alot and it seems to translate into my writing too!) We're only as far along the AC route as we are because I'm an impatient so and so and had to visit the docs after about 7 months or so to get the ball rolling. (Probably due to thinking there was something wrong due to previous relationships and having to go down this route before - won't bore now with details). Anyhoo that's maybe why we're a bit further down the track - although still hoping for the natural conception that occurs just cause we've had sex!

On the getting wasted subject - we veer from be puritanical tee totallers to passing out in friends toilets . Yes that is quite recent and I blame it on failed IUI i.e. completely acceptable behaviour It's so difficult keeping the non drinking going ...however said to Him this morning that I'm not drinking for the next month to give this round a proper go. That makes me sound like a real lush - I'm not it's just the guilt talking...and I'm not catholic.

I'm babbling a bit much so will shut up.

Apart from to pass out some chocolate chip cookies laced with kirsch cherries for brekkie - or is that lunch?

And to wish all a happy Saturday - esp poo, dead jealous you're off to the seaside. I love the sea but live about as far away as you can get from it in England!

I'm off to clean the house. Yep my life is that exciting.

Alright alright - I've killed the thread with my soppy ramblings.

How about I spray you right in the eyeball with this pledge.

Is that better?

Don't worry! It does tend to be quieter round here at weekends, lots of BESH actually have lives, (unlike myself) I've been lurking all day but didn't want it to turn into you and me taking over.

I know what you mean about DH, as you know mine you'll know it doesn't suit him :D so now its 'the boy', at risk of sounding like I should be on some sort of register :o

I really aught to go and do something useful with the day myself... hmmm.

The challenge round here tends to be to come up with an interesting acronym to describe your other half. It does mean I can never remember what most of them stand for, but it's usually fairly obvious who people are talking about.

I can't match HB's SWI twice in one day (but I add to the demands to know more about the lamp) but we've managed 3 days running which is probably a record and never to be repeated. If an OPK says +ve tomorrow as well I think it'll get ignored (today it definitely did, yesterday it sort of did, hence general overenthusiasm). TTC is all getting a bit too much like hard work.

Mine's TYF: The Young Fella. Cleverly named so I can avoid being on that register

The older BESHes have heard this one before but when I first started seeing TYF, he was 25 and I was 34. I bumped into my Ex's Mum (she must've known because I had unsubtly made sure he knew I had a studly young toyboy with a full head of hair, buahaha) who said, about the age difference, 'Ooooh, but aren't you scared people will think you're one of them paedophiles?'! Erm, what? Okay, so she did suffer from mild mental health issues, but that has to surely be one of the funniest things I've heard! I did reply (nicely) that I hadn't actually started seeing him when he was 14. Although I've seen the pics of him at that age and I wo... let's not go there.

Am still impressed with your foresight in bagging a young 'un, scorps - given that the menfolk have a shorter life expectancy than us generally, I have royally fucked up in that department :/ Who's the other poor unfortunate in here with an old codger? I can't remember.