30s TTC: Summertime, and the diffin's easy. White goods are jumping and the WOOFLing is high. MSDP in full swing.

[MountTheFairy]

The one before the BESHory Towers. Easy one for summer: I have dug up a fishing pond in the middle of the Palace, put a roof light over it, got some fishin' sticks and put some Gershwin on. Salad's providing Elderflower Fizz, served by newbs in topless bikinis. Could life be better?

As a non-differ your apology is not needed. Tis not insensitive at all. Look at your SIL, now that's insenstive!

Lozza I am loving the imagery - I can just see you presenting him with fingers full of stretchy FFJ and asking for his opinion.

Oooh thanks for hat Loz that will come in v handy this avo. And yes Cass, that does help, fanku - I like to remind myself that she is an emotionally-retarded bitter spoilt little troll and she only acts that way as she is deeply unhappy/emotionally repressed/feels inferior*.

Really must go and do something productive.

*Take your pic, could be any or all of them.

Gah, pick not pic

Oh you guys, you make me smile youz do!

Lorry I love the tale about your dad - can picture it now (or is that too wrong??)

saltyseadog ouch to both the comment on the trip and to the phone message. You sound like you're handling it well, but look after yourself.

HB WTF!!! Hope the Ameretto did the trick.

Polly sounds like a lovely lady your SIL! I Feel for you.

Well, I think I now know why I'm not getting diffed again. It's coz I is incompetent and simply cannot be trusted! I managed to lock mini O in my car earlier, along with car keys! Car was v. hot and poor child was sweating and flushed in two minutes flat. Had to call fire bridage who were just about to smash my car window to resuce him when Mr O turned up with spare car key. What a pillock I am. Wanted to curl up and hide as felt like such a plank. I clearly cannot be trusted with a child!!!

Orchid that sounds like the kind of thing I would do. Was mini O ok?

Poor Orchid & MiniO. Is everyone OK? I think some ice-cream is in order.

Well, serves me right for quite literally having my cake & eating it - I have a spot on my cheek that I can feel growing by the second. Great timing, just ahead of weekend seeing perfect SIL - argh!! At this rate spot will need its own seat on the plane.

Right, I'm off to Newport to get LaurieSpot a passport.

Can I join, can I, can I? Need a place to share the madness. I'm a big girly swot and have done my homework already and didn't even copy off of Saffron Bun. Feel free to poo in my school bag.

THE BESHTEST

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')
   Yes, but only as a mixer for neat meths

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   Father of FBS was a full 5 months younger making me slightly cougar-esque, father of *HWIYTBC is older but not sure he has any gold to dig, sadly. Unless his parents die.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

Not sure ? think was too drunk on above beverage to remember last time. And I thought every hole was a goal in any case?

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

a. Patience and bedside manner not really my forte am afraid.

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

It could be worse...could be an EWOK or that blasted JaJa Binks character. Ooops, I?ll get me coat.

6. what colour are your walls?

Off white ? are there other colours?

7. Number of pets?

2 murdering bastard cats. Former baybeee substitutes, now seeking asylum status with neighbourhood due to emotional neglect.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Jeremy off of Peepshow. In character.

9. Lesbian crush?
   I actually felt stirrings for that Shabby one off Big Brother in the 5 minutes she was there. Yes, I know, so 2001. I did like Brittany Murphy before she died.

10. What are your views on camping?
    Depends where the tent is pitched. Boom, boom.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

In my time as a non-TTC I would obsess and ss every month even when I?d only made the beast with two backs in wellies. I?ve single handedly kept Clearblue in business over the years

*He who is yet to be conceived (joining in with impenetrable acronyms)

Welcome gaga ! We do like a BESH who does her homework. We're all a bit bitter and twisty here on account of us having been TTFC since the dawn of time, but if you can do black and despondent along with slightly violent you'll fit in just fine. Unless of course you get diffed afore the end of your first thread, in which case we'll stone you.

worralorranoobs we're getting at the mo! I am liking it. Welcone one and all.

Just back from GP with Mr Stew. She was lovely. Not seen her before, they don't seem to advertise the nice ones so somehow we lucked out with that.

So here are my official bloods for Pollster or anyone else in t'know to comment on:

Day 21 prog - 37nmol/L
Day 2 FSH - 5.1 u/L
Day 2 LH - 5.2 u/L

Is good, no? Apart from the lack of diffment, obv. Anyway she's referring us on to the in fertility clinic. As we've already got one we won't get offered any IVF or ISCI, IUI, AEIOU, etc, but they can scan me I guess, see if anyone's accidentally left a eccles cake or summat up there causing a big fat blockage. Oh and she was even nice about my weight, said I could do with losing a little bit more but to be honest as I am (a) lighter than when I last conceived, back in Victorian times, and (b) am clearly ovulating like a bastard, she wasn't too worried, didn't think it would make that much difference.

So I am eating pizza tonight. And wine, fucking loads of it.

I fancied Shabby a bit too!

Greetings Gagmewithaspoon (nerdy 80s film ref)!

We have a lot of noobs coming aboard at the mo, don't we. I sometimes feel like I am the Charon of the BESH - forever destined to help others make the journey from The Shores of TTC, across the river Menkul to their final destination, The Banks of Babywin, but never to reach those banks myself

Read that wun to yer fella, Lyra, see if he like that Tell him ta for the compliments, but he's not to underestimate my colossal laziness and low self-esteem in terms of my ability to actually Do Something With My Life It's also harder than people would imagine to make a living out of 'not being a crap writer'. Is quite an amorphous talent and hard to turn into paid work (if you're otherwise rubbish like me).

V crampy today. Am actually experiencing cramps on both sides for the first time ever. Could this be a Good Sign (for noobs: I only ever have period pains on the left)?

Orchid I hope Lil' O is, well, O-kay (hurhur). Must have been terrifying for you Don't beat yourself up about it... I mean, I have contacted Social Services, but I'm sure they'll realise it was just an accident

Poll, you are a supermum and superhottie all rolled into one. I feel knackered just reading about your schedule. And you knoweth my thoughts on your Satan-in-law. It involves my DMs and a sensitive part of her anatomy She might've got lucky TTC (twice, the bitch) but she'll never know how to truly appreciate what she's got and she'll never be as fantabulous as you. FACT

Loz, you are lucky - if my Dad had found me nekkid and contorted in agony, it'd become one of his fave anecdotes instantly. He still makes jokes about the time my brother pooed in the bath - that was 1978.

Cass, your FSH is AMAZE - so surely just a matter of keeping SWI .

Mine is double that, BTW

FSH 5.1??? You tryin' to steal my crown as Queen of Perfect Results?

Seriously, well done with those, Stewingsteak. You should be rightfully pleased with those. Needles Lady told me that the thing about losing weight is because being a chubber can stop you ovulating proppers, so if you're not a size 8 but still Ov just fine, then it's not such a massive deal.

(And no, I did not pay her extra to tell me that )

Ah shit, just got Mumsnet weekly email - bit about how experts are saying wimminz should diet before TTC so they don't have to have their childs induced before 37 wks or summat. Could be give us more things to stress about, experts? We clearly haven't got enough already

WizzleWozzle, you should defo get filled with pricks (also have Acupuncture, BADUM-TSSSH!). It's really helping me and has helped Polly and Camel win their baybess so it's all good. Well, apart from the needles.

Why thankyou

evening all.

Poor prettypolly. That is shit, and I'm glad you got it off your chest my dear.

I am tired, tired, tired. Did I mention tired?

However I am slightly cheered by the box of beautiful cupcakes I have to distribute amongst my team at school tomorrow..I got them all popping candy to put in their end of term cards too. Natch, I got you lot some too, so gather round BESHies...

We were reorganising our office today, and the lady who shares it with me put up a poster (aimed at teenagers) that says in enormous red letters 'Do You Think You Might Be Pregnant'....it actually made me laugh. If I believed in God I would definitely thing he was having a laugh at my expense!!

so, gagalalala-ha did your homework hmm? Top banana.

Salty, the only explanation for all the moster-tactlessness seeming to befall you at the mo, is that when Jeremy Beadle died, his soul being taken over by a sick and twisted demon who insists on playing YBF-esque jokes on innocent parties (such as yourself)

That is shit Fancy a fumble?

Is Jeremy Beadle dead? Really? Oh thank god.

He's on my list.

Your... sexy list?

If Bruce Forsyth or Amy Winehouse cark it this year I get a free cut and colour and my local hairdressers'

If Mr Stew carks it, I get the house paid off

Scorpette wash your mouth out young lady, I'm not some srt of pervert. Well, I am obviously, but not like that...

Don't you dare spread rumours about me fancying Beadle.

My 'people who I'm actually a little bit scared of list'

Top of that list? Jimmy Saville.

Am I allowed to join?

I am 31, TTC DC3, really hoping for the best.

Also . . .(whispers) . . . What does BESH mean?

Forsythe isn't on my list.

Cassington why oh why oh why are you laying bets of death? Is your hair dresser also a mortician on the side?

Bob Monkhouse is though. Is he dead?

Sleepy Find questionnaire. Fill in questionnaire.

What do you think it means? Hmm? Don't be shy!!

THE BESHTEST

1. Do you like gin? (This is compulsory, you must say 'Yes')
   Yes, but only with lemonade.

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   DH 18 months my junior.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.
   thought every hole was a goal in any case?

C. B is for birthdays and Xmas.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

A. No idea what Babydust is though. Then again, not too sure what POAS is. Piss Off and.......... something?

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

i HAVE NO IDEA.

6. what colour are your walls?

Apparently, it's 'Mushroom', so says DH.

7. Number of pets?

One cat that pisses me off most of the time.

8. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   Christopher Ecclestone in that one where he was Jesus in the footie ground. No? Oh.......

9. Lesbian crush?
   Roz from Frasier always looked pretty filth.

10. What are your views on camping?
    It looks cold and a ballache.

11. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

Shitloads. Under a Hundred, but more than I'd admit to most people.