Leaving relative alone for Christmas - feeling guilty

[WakeupWho]

Just read a thread where posters were talking about tolerating relatives on Christmas Day so they wouldn't have to be alone and now getting very guilty and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

At home there's just me, DH and 20yo DD. For years now we've spent Christmas Day just the 3 of us and seen family either side. My parents have always lived near us but my brother and DHs family live an almost 5 hour drive away. Years ago we used to live in the same town but moved away so can no longer see everyone on Christmas Day.

We used to alternate who we spent Christmas with but toxic MIL used to get jealous when it was my parents turn so we decided to please ourselves, seeing my parents on Christmas Eve, the rest of the family just after Christmas and having a peaceful Christmas Day just the 3 of us. I much prefer this as all 3 of us are ND and find gatherings stressful at the best of times.

Come to now and my father passed away 2 years ago - the first year we took my mother away to where the rest of the family live so we could have Christmas all together but it was extremely stressful, for all concerned not just us so no-one wanted to do it again. Now we've gone back to our old pattern so due to see my mother today and then have tomorrow alone for the 3 of us.

My mother won't even see my brother over the whole Christmas time as she's decided it's too stressful to make the trip (she's in her 80s), even the after Christmas one which we invited her on, and my brother can never be bothered to travel up to see her (he does occasionally at other times but never over Christmas/Dec-Jan).

Am I being really cruel leaving my mother on her own on Christmas Day? She says she doesn't mind but that doesn't help because she has a history of not saying how she feels and it coming out in little hints much later so I can't rely on that. I don't want to be cruel to anyone but I'm also feeling the burden of it being my responsibility to keep everyone happy.

…letting my own MH go to hell…’

It’s. A. Christmas. Lunch!

OP respectfully inviting your Mum and being kind to her on the day itself is highly unlikely to impact your DD as you describe. It’s all highly speculative and takes huge ‘logic’ leaps in the telling.

+This seems all more connected to you feeling your DB is not doing his fair share hence you are already thinking of asking him to do next year. Relationships should not be so transactional and teaching DD that directly or indirectly isn’t great either.

I would very much want my daughter to see that I was being caring and compassionate towards my mother and not selfishly putting myself first at Christmas. How other people choose to treat your mum is something that they have to live with, and it seems so wrong to leave your mum on her own on what appears to be a matter of principle. If you want to spend the day in pyjamas, who’s stopping you? You could still do that with your mum there. As others have said, she’s in her 80s and you probably won’t have many more years to spend Christmas with her.

Only you know how your relationship with your Mother is to answer that question. Personally I can’t stand mine so wouldn’t feel bad about leaving her alone as she would just ruin our Xmas day.

I think that's fine. As long as you see her throughout the year and are seeing her today on christmas eve. She doesn't need to come over Christmas day as well! Do what you want to as a family, enjoy tomorrow.

I was very grateful for the last Christmas I spent with my mum.
Opposite ends of the country.

My siblings didn't do Xmas day mum, one didn't since having their own kids and the others were often with in-laws.
But we had a Xmas eve tradition of getting together for dinner, much like your family.

Nobody is right or wrong. Ask the rest of your household then go with whatever is agreed.

I would invite her. You could still have a quiet Christmas. My DF is here for Xmas day but we don’t have to “host”, he’ll get himself a drink etc. it’s all very chilled.

I hate the thought of anyone being alone on Christmas day. She's your mum, shes local, get her over. Might not have many more with her

I can't believe you leave your mother alone on Xmas day, especially when she lived nearby.

Doesn't matter what kind of widow she is, you're her mother and having one extra person is not a big deal.

Please change your mind.

Kindly, OP, I think you're letting your mum's relationships with your father and brother cloud your judgement of your relationship with her. If caring for her through the year is too much then you have every right to step back but I wouldn't use Christmas to make a point, because it won't actually change how much your brother steps up the rest of the year.

We are in your situation but we do have my Mum who is local over for a few hours in the middle of the day. She is hard work but not the toxic one (in-laws are and guilt trip us no end). One year I'd like to go away for Christmas and I'd hope one of my non-local siblings will be able to spend some time with Mum if we're away. Half our family are ND and I get how nice it is just to stick to immediate family. Mum is ND too and that is the reason she is difficult so we can't hold it against her. We have the morning and late afternoon/evening just for us.

Why would your MH go to hell because you had your mum with you for Xmas? Is she toxic? Does she treat you badly?

On Christmas Day - put some clothes on and have your mother round. It really is that simple, and really not that hard.

Mother in law is 92 and has chosen to stay at home Christmas day. We visited her grandchildren last week and she didn't want to come there either, she did come in the end and said it was ok but was happy to be home.
She has spent the last few years with us or her daughter and said she cant hear the TV, watch what she wants to etc.
My husband will visit Christmas morning with dinner.
B

No way would I leave an elderly relative alone at Christmas, let alone my mother.

This.

That’s a great decision

OP - Fast forward 25-30 years ahead. Your DD is long married with a grown up family and lives fairly locally. You are widowed. Your DD can’t be bothered to accommodate you on Christmas day. You’re in your 80’s. How would you feel? Your own mother won’t be with you forever OP.

Honestly, not just this post and reading some of the posts on here over recent days, many people (not all) are just self, self, self and me me me. “Oh we need to have a stress free day with just our little family”. “It’s not my responsibility blah blah….” What has happened to society? I think grown up sons are probably far more guilty of this in general, than adult daughters. And of course if there’s a history of abuse that’s a different matter, but the majority probably don’t have abusive parents. For all those neglecting their elderly parents this year - may karma come back round to you in the future!

This

If your dm says she's fine on her own, then I think that's OK. I also think it's lovely to celebrate with her on Christmas Eve.

I'm of the opinion that 25th is just a number - there's nothing actually magical about that day. My adult dc are spending Christmas with their own families, and I am fine with that. We had our own family gathering, opening presents, celebration meal with crackers etc a couple of days ago. I would hate it if my dc felt bad (or were made to feel bad by other people) because I wasn't included on 25th.

You are local your brother is not. You know she won’t be here forever. For that reason I would invite her on Christmas Day and take her home again later, even if it’s just for the afternoon.

Does it make a difference that I would genuinely be absolutely fine with that, if she'd seen me for a lovely day the day before? I'd be proud of her, genuinely, for looking after herself. Especially if 2 years before I'd been the one stood over her as she 'bags' (I don't know the technical term for that mask and bag thing the paramedics use to give air in CPR) her own father because there's not enough paramedics to do it while they work on him as he dies, while I very casually tell everyone "he's had long enough".

I very much hope DD treats me exactly the same as I treat my mother! I'll be completely ashamed of myself if I'm as cold and demanding as my mother.

My brother is not local precisely because it was agreed my parents would move closer to me so I could "take them off his hands" (their words not mine) so I'm sorry that I have no sympathy for their long distance once a year.

I agree with you - but, the dd is 20. Why would anyone assume that by the age of 45 she's going to be long married with a grown up family? Some women don't have kids until their 40s. Some women don't have kids (I don't).

Some men don't have kids either. I think it's quite sad that it's always assumed that women are going to get married and have kids when some might not be able to or want to - and some people are in same sex relationships too - with or without kids

Thank you, I was feeling the same until I read all the comments that I'm 'selfish' and 'disgusting'. It seems that all the other days spending quality time or going on days out etc don't matter if the 25th isn't included.

Don't have your mother over then. It sounds like you have massive issues that you can't resolve regarding your father and his death