Inviting mum and dad or not?

[Changedforadvice]

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

I think it’s because older people’s attitudes can be quite frustrating when from the outside things are extremely doable. My grandad has opted out of Christmas this year - 93. He was invited to both my parents and to my uncle’s house but is expected to stay or get a taxi if he wants to come. It probably feels a little harsh but it is an hour and 15 minutes in the car each way (add 10 minutes either side for him to get in the car) and it impacts on everyone’s day - not just the driver.

Oh we can’t do presents yet - dad isn’t back with grandad.

Oh we should probably have pudding now even though no one is hungry so dad and grandparent aren’t left out of the Christmas cake etc etc.

There are young grandchildren (great grandchildren!) for whom it is not reasonable to expect to do all that waiting around on Christmas Day.

My grandad has money coming out of his eyeballs and would be more than capable of getting a taxi or arranging accessible transport (he has all his faculties and uses a computer very competently for lots of things) and my parents deliberately put in an accessible downstairs bathroom so he could stay at their house comfortably - again, he doesn’t want to.

It is too late this year to organise but next year I think we are going to propose he organises some sort of respite care in a home near my parents and they can walk him to and from there.

It’s hard - my parents moved away a few years ago but visit him every week. They wanted to be close to their own children and grandchildren.

I also think once you have had 92 christmases maybe you’re a bit over it? Both my parents and uncle and aunt have taken him out for a Christmas lunch last week and I visited at the weekend.

Yep, totally fine.

What a sad thread, the sandwich generation do need to carry the load, it’s one day and your parents did it for you presumably for many years. But for wanting a drink, you are able to make them happy memories in their final years. Ignore siblings being lacking and look to your partner to support the support.

Can your siblings.drop off a ready made M&S or a Cook Christmas dinner which just needs to be bunged in the oven? It's a bit shit that none of you have had a conversation about arrangements earlier.

I would hate to get to 89 and my own kids see me as a complication to their Xmas celebrations. There won’t be many more chances for you to celebrate it with them.

Your siblings need to step up too.

Op my sister and brother decorated each of my my mum, aunt, and uncles houses this year for them, could ye all at least go over at the same time, get festive and throw up some decorations? And with the nicest of meanings an hour away isn’t that huge. I think last year probably rightly gave you a fright and made you feel things are insurmountable but if your parents are any trouble id give them a hand. Even have a dinner delivered but to a decorated house. Talk to your siblings, ye are all wondering why the other doesn’t sort it!!

How would your parents feel to be alone on Xmas day? If they came to you on Boxing Day they can look forward to that . It may be that it wouldn’t really bother them . I do think your siblings shouldn’t be leaving everything to you, it’s not on.

Protect your peace and have them on Boxing Day is what I would vote. Taxis on Xmas day would be madness.

You also need to be more forthcoming with your siblings. You sound a lovely daughter.

Sorry just seen this. Glad it’s all sorted.

Is there no way they can stay overnight to reduce the driving around?

My sister is similar, she refuses to take anything to do with our parents for Christmas. She lives further away so uses that as her excuse but it’s not that far away in reality and her children aren’t that young. But we’ll be cooking a turkey anyway, and 2 more round the table isn’t really much more hassle. My dad is disabled and my mum is his full time carer so I just couldn’t leave them on their own on Christmas Day, I wouldn’t enjoy the day knowing mum was having to spend the day cooking and looking after dad just like every other day, while we were all having Christmas fun with the kids. I’ve come to realise I can’t control what my sister does so I don’t let it annoy me any more and just make decisions assuming she’s not in the picture.

I mean, after all the hard work you put years and years into your children, imagine them growing and leaving you to spend christmas all alone and sick. Thats so sad.

Why do you have to stay up late on Christmas Eve? Can't you wrap the gifts another time whilst DH takes care of your one DC, and then all get an early night after putting the presents out as soon as your DS is asleep? Then waking up early won't be a chore.

Your siblings are lazy and unkind, and they should really step up - at least they should offer a lift in the morning.

Sepsis isn't caused by being tired, so please don't worry that you're more at risk if you don't get plenty of rest and sleep.

I don't think I could leave my elderly parents alone on Christmas Day. How will you feel if this really is their last one, and you didn't see them because you fancied a day at home with your DH and DS? You can do that any weekend, and your DPs probably don't have many Christmases left, if any.

Yes, your siblings are selfish pricks, but unless you're going to actually do something about it and challenge them, then this is kind of irrelevant to the "should I host my parents?" question.

A couple of unempathetic replies full of Christmas cheer

Think we've had the weekend before Christmas so thst boat has sailed!

I think, whatever you decide (and I favour the pick up Boxing Day morning and all pay for a prebooked cab home), the time is coming when conversations could be had about moving them to be closer to you all as they will probably need more support soon. Oh, as to the lack of decorations, we're in our 70s and for the first time have no tree but we have some lights around the place - grandchildren grown up and no longer feel the magic so it's been quite liberating!

At 89, with mobility issues, hearing issues, separate bedrooms etc, I would take a simplified Christmas to them. They hosted you all, for all those years, so I think at their age they should be showed some extra consideration, shared between all siblings.
Is that possible OP?

I have been thinking about this thread. I am in the thick of this dilemma. For the second year running we have had a three week early Christmas with very elderly parent. I live 4 hour car journey and 3 hour flight away. I get there about 6 times a year. It is sad but what can I do - I have grandchildren who deserve a decent Christmas.

The concept of it being “just one day” is all very well, but this could be a dilemma that lasts a number of years.

I have this recollection of one Christmas in the 1970s when I was a teenager. My dear grandparents had been priorities. Fair enough. But they only had a short tolerance for merriment. I recall getting home at about 4 pm thinking “is that it?”, Christmas is done for this year? Maybe I was a bit of a spoiled brat but it does remind me that the kids have feelings too.

I want to send the OP a big hug. Trying to meet all of our needs is hard.

@Motherbear44I discussed this thread with DH last night. I am an only DC and DPs live an hour away. They are very elderly. Last year we went up and I had prepared most of the christmas meal and brought it with me. This year we are going up tomorrow- their health hasn’t been great this year and DM now housebound and DF losing his memory. DH and DS will take DF out to lunch and I will sit with DM. For Christmas we are going down to my SILs where we have a wonderful multigenerational Christmas with our own traditions and it’s great fun.

I feel so guilty, I know I should be there for DPs, but since April,because of their poor health we have done so much for them and I am exhausted. They also don’t particularly celebrate Christmas. The carers will come in as usual. DH said it’s not just their Christmas or mine it’s also his and DS. I know it’s selfish but we will see them before and after. They have refused to come to ours for a number of years even if I drove them, so this situation has gone on for a while. I reckon next year there will be only one of them as other will be in a home or both maybe, or neither so I couldn’t leave one on their own.

Ok so you want to leave your parents alone on Christmas Day because having them over would mean you won’t be able to have a glass of wine. Wowsers.

Are you me?! This is exactly how my family is, and I'm the only one who ever offers. Except my mum is alone now dad has died and there are five of us. Two don't even bother and seem to have no conscience. The other seems to make any excuses they can to not do it and thinks taking a dinner round to her makes up for her being alone in the day. The fifth happily spends time with her but is a disaster at organising and is walking chaos so mum ends up doing all the work with her , and she's old and sick this year after a fall too. Last year I swore I wouldn't do it. We'd had a hell of a year with a really sick child , in and out of hospital, and I was feeling on the verge of a breakdown. I made it known I wouldn't do it that year. She was supposed to go elsewhere but the day came and it never happened for whatever reaosn. I felt terrible and had to trek over and visit later on when I knew she was alone. I wish I had also been born devoid of a conscience and responsibility!! It's not that I dislike my mother or that she's a burden, it's more I hate the others for thinking they don't have an equal responsibility and always putting themselves first. I mean between us it's a day every five bloody years, it's not so much to ask you'd think!

Elderly people can't magic away the frailty that comes with age - you should be asking why the other siblings aren't stepping up to help out, not why 89 year old Mum and Dad need help in the first place.

Nobody can answer what they would do until they experience their own frailty. It is easy for me to say "I would just get a taxi" because that's normal for me. But if I was frightened of falls and slippy surfaces and I knew a fall could even kill me, I might feel differently.

My Grandma is not frail like that yet, she still walks unassisted, she hasn't got "the fear" yet. But it will come and I do get the sense that when it kicks in for elderly people, you can't reverse it.

The OP was hosted for 40 years and now, her own family has taken priority and she can't be bothered. It's a sad way to be in your parents last years and when they die, she will have time to reflect on that "one hour drive" and extra glass of wine and all the other crap excuses but it will be too late.

is your mum’s hip painful? How wide she find two hours of car travel in one day?

if it’s no problem: Why don’t you tell the less obnoxious sibling to go and fetch them - sibling doesn’t have to join you on Xmas day, just make the trip to fetch your parents.

Then you all have a nice Christmas Day and a drink!

And then order a local taxi and ask the taxi to take your parents home and YOU accompany them home in the taxi. Your dh can put your dc to bed. You can either then stay simply ride home with the taxi.

Yea expensive but could by their last Christmas. I cannot imagine leaving my parents alone at Christmas .

And a 4 hr drive that you have conveniently forgotten to mention.

I agree @PurpleSky300 the OP has a million excuses and seems to have regressed to a childish whinge about her siblings (“well if THEY aren’t why should I?)

No wonder her dad is depressed and waiting to die!

My mum and dad are dead. If I had to drive for a whole day to get to spend a few more good quality hours with them, I wouldn’t blink at the idea.

There will be many Christmases ahead without the parents. And so few opportunities left to make memories.

If the siblings are useless why make it a palaver of a big get-together? Just OP and her dh, dc and parents on Xmas day. Wonderful, with or without wine.

Exactly, but it all comes back around. OP will be elderly one day, when the 4 year old of today has grown and flown, and will know how it feels to be the chore that nobody wants.