Inviting mum and dad or not?

[Changedforadvice]

Mum and dad are getting on a bit and won't be doing anything for Christmas. Neither are very mobile, dad hasn't been for a number of years but mum had a fall this autumn breaking her hip in the process, so it's been a difficult time for them. The house has no decorations up, they won't get out to see anyone, they won't cook a Christmas dinner, and nobody will be visiting. Not very cheery.

I have 2 siblings who live in the same area as me and nothing has been said about the situation. We all have young kids, mine the youngest at 4. He's already been off nursery for a week, his dad's been away overnights much of that with work so I'm already quite knackered. On top of this we've had a hell of a year with DHs work commitments, illness and death of a close relative, a house move then mum's fall. I felt like adding in hosting Christmas this year would be a bridge too far. I burnt out last year and ended up in hospital which gave me a fright, I don't want to push myself further than I feel I can any more.

We hosted my mum and dad last year. They themselves are no bother but it's hard to do all the Xmas eve prep for a small kid then do a day of hosting which involves picking them up from an hour away and dropping them back in the evening (so around 4 hours of travel between me and my DH). I'd planned to have a whole family gathering between Xmas and NY by way of compromise (and to share the pick ups and drop offs) but it's fallen through as people going away at different points. We left the organising of it a bit late, so I accept that's my fault. However neither sibling has stepped up to offer any kind of hospitality to our parents at all for the whole of the Xmas holidays as far as I'm aware. I feel they are waiting for me to do it. I was going to ask if mum and dad wanted to come on Boxing day so it's a bit more relaxed for us but I still feel a bit annoyed that I'm expected to sort it each year. I also feel sad and guilty at the thought of them being on their own and at how they might not even be able to travel by next year, and that this could be the final Christmas get together.

Long ramble to basically ask if inviting them on Boxing day is a decent compromise in the circumstances.

I genuinely feel so sad for your parents reading these posts. Noone should be left out of family meals at Christmas. Its like they are an inconvenience to you all. You all wouldn't be there if it wasn't for them. You were all happy to let them do all the christmas dinners for all those years but now you've got your own kids you can't be arsed to return the favour. You seem like you feel guilty about it though OP. I think maybe you should all be looking at getting them living closer to where you all live as it will only get worse. You will resent the one hour drive even more if one of them gets seriously ill and you have to do it multiple times a week.

If they don't live too far away, I would call over to them either Christmas eve or the day before it if possible. Bring gifts, food that they can have over Christmas etc. Spend a bit of time with them. Then since you have young kids you could spend Christmas eve eve, Christmas day etc at home. You could call over to them again then after Christmas if you wanted, let the kids tell them what Santa brought or wish them happy new year etc. I wouldn't go hosting with young kids if you don't feel up to it. Your parents will be fine, they understand and may actually prefer it. They had young kids themselves once. Parents don't want their kids to be under pressure and they could be happier staying at home too if they're moving on in life.

The real blocker is the pick up and drops offs....

yet you are adamant taxis cannot be the solution... because.

I do understand the (dumb) i-dont-pay-for-taxis mentality some older people have...
Fine.

But If there 3 x kids I dont understand why you dont all chip in and pay for the taxi (either just home or both ways) as part of the christmas gift.

I know what you are saying abiut it being a hard conversation but I have managed to get 2 elderly relatives and my inlaws to "use" taxis.

You just have to be pragmatic and clear about it.

"You can either take a taxi im paying for or stay.home christmas day. Lmk what you prefer."

Totally agree with your first sentence there but have to disagree with only one seems to care about them. The op hasn’t shown any care for them, she’s started a thread days before Christmas weighing up whether or not to invite them Boxing Day. It’s quite clear she’d rather not have them either ‘cos reasons… I can’t see that Op is anybetter than her siblings!

I haven’t RTFT so apologies if someone has thought of this first.

My DPs are of a similar age. DF still drives locally and DM not at all. They live near DSis and her family. They can also afford all the taxis and car services they could ever want. Their retirement home provides transport to medical appointments. Do they use any of these options? No. It isn’t right. And I live in the UK, they are all in my home country, so there is little I can do. Without the family option I am sure that they would cope. It isn’t right.

To your situation: what about fetching your DPs to your house for the Christmas celebration, and organising them a taxi or car service home? A prepaid car service may remove any stress around payment in the moment.

Explain warmly that you and their DGC look forward to having them, but are sure they understand that the requirement not to drink at the most festive dinner of the year is a bit much. You or DH will come out to the car to make sure the instructions are clear.

Do your DPs use a smartphone? If so you can show them how to follow the route on googlemaps.

I think if you do this very warmly they may accept. If they don’t, it’s sad but not on you

I see that @user568795 had the idea about booking a taxi for the return trip only before I did. Possibly others I have not come across yet.

I think you should either book a private hire car to do the pick up and drop off, or simply go and see the the weekend before Xmas. You can't do 4 hours of driving on Xmas day. My parents wouldn't expect that

Snap, my parents are 100% the same, would never entertain a taxi anywhere. Pots of money too.

Well OP hosted - aka driving 4 hrs plus hosting- them last year, so clearly she cares about them or she wouldn’t have done that. The question is if she is prepared to do that ad infinitum for however many years - ok realistically 2-5 maximum- whilst her siblings do sweet fanny adams. And yes someone posted upthread about OP being the default carer when they become infirm, this seems likely to be her role unless she pushes back a bit,

I get that its hard with logistics, young kids etc but as someone who has now lost both parents I couldn't leave them to sit unhappy. For future years I think you should have the convo earlier with siblings problem at this point is people will have plans already

Sorry I didn't realize their age at the time so I see how overnight would be too much for them. I would personally still do it on Christmas because it feels more right to me and otherwise you have to do it again on boxing day, sounds like more work to me rather than less. Just as another idea, what if you take the food with you and prepare it at their house and eat your Christmas meal at lunch time. Cuts the driving time in half, and if you do it at lunch time you can still go home and have a drink in the evening. I do think it's worth the effort to get to have Christmas with your parents.

I think putting your parents over a glass of wine is a no brainer.

They did host for 40 years and you haven’t said anything negative about their behaviour, so it’s just them getting old and becoming less independent that’s the issue. So, yes, it’s time for you and your siblings to step up, even though it’s hard-work, and make sure they are not on their own for Christmas.

It’s terrible should they be left to think that they have 3 abled adult children and not one of them invited them over for Christmas dinner.

I know how hard this is, but if you think they’d like to be with you, I would arrange an (airport type) driver to pick up and drop off. No stress for you, it’s not an unknown, you’d know exactly who and they’d help them in at end etc too. Xx

The upshot of all this is that your parents have 3 adult children and not one seems at all bothered about seeing them or hosting them for Christmas. Old age is a stage of life I dread for this very reason - you become frail, you slide down the pecking order and eventually people see you as a burden.
My family is navigating this my with Grandma (90) now - she is fit and well but dislikes travel and the solution they came up with is to go to her, take their ingredients etc and have a smaller, more basic Christmas dinner at her house. At their age you do not have many years left with your parents.

I have had my parents for the last 45 years. I am not an only child but when push comes to shove I would not be comfy them being on their own.
I wonder were they difficult or cruel parents? It seems alien to me to think people with children will be lonely on Christmas Day.

@Truetoself speak with siblings, if you host then the least they can do is share the driving. If your parents aren't here next year or whatever year you are without them, the hassle of transport will be the last thing on your mind. You'll be so upset to think you missed this opportunity. Don't let your disappointment or anger with your siblings stand between you and spending the holiday with your family. Yes it's crap they aren't going to offer to step in and that it always falls to you but that's the reality of the situation. You have a conscience and want to do the right thing so do it. But ask them to tow the line a bit and help out some way with lifts or whatever.

At the age of 13 I lost my dad, at 36 I lost my mum. I would drive through fire and ice to have one more Christmas with them.

@PurpleSky300so knowing how people on the other side feels, would you not try to maintain your independence and get yourself from A to B so you don’t add to your adult children’s workload?

Christmas Day hosting aside, it’s really wild to me that it’s the 21st of December and no one has had a conversation about this or made a plan.

why have none of you gone over earlier this month to decorate their house for them? Even just a few simple decorations to make it festive and share some festive food with them. It’s incredibly sad to me

Can they not stay the night and go home on boxing day?

Glad you have reached this decision OP. As someone who went to lots of effort with my parents in their later years, driving across the country to get them and then back again, with things getting more difficult - now I have neither I am glad I did it, even though I can still remember how stressful and exhausting it was. I hope you have a good time with your little one and some down time for yourself too. Talk to your siblings about it in the new year when the seasonal pressure is off.

You're not alone in this OP a lot of family dynamics are tricky. I know how exhausting it is 🤗 sending lots of well wishes to you

Genuine thanks for all the help, there have been some lovely and rather moving replies.

A decision has been made, with everyone's input, that everyone seems happy with. My parents will have company to celebrate both Christmas and Boxing Day.

Glad its all sorted now OP

@Changedforadvicecurious to know what was decided?