What would Christmas be without Mums?

[PontiacBandit]

I reckon 85% of Christmas is down to women making it special. Traditions, decorations, meals, gifts. The planning, having to think of everyone, the organising of when gifts go to people, shopping for gifts and food and alcohol, sending cards, cooking a massive roast meal on the day, wrapping gifts.

I have a good DH but he's pretty rubbish at these things. He does more housework than I do but the planning and organising is not his thing at all.

If women did nothing at this time of year it would be shit show wouldn't it?

What’s concerning is how many women accept useless men, don’t do anything about it and then post about how stressed they are. They are their own worst enemy.

Oh come on - sending an advent calendar isn't being a competitive mum. It's pretty normal to buy your kids an advent calendar - or at least it has been since I was born in the early 70s!

When they're at Uni?????????!!!????

Not in this house thankfully. My DH is great. He organises the tree, we all decorate together. He does all food and drink shopping. Most (ok all) of the cooking. Buys great presents. Pretty much all I bring to the table is making the house look pretty, setting the table nicely and washing up

I think if you have a good DH who genuinely enjoys Christmas and is involved in buying the kids' presents and organising and cooking the food it's very easy to say 'oh, women bring it all on themselves, they shouldn't do so much, keep it simple' etc. Those of us who have (or had, in my case) men who don't care, don't see why anyone else should care and would happily eat a cheese sandwich HAVE to do it all if we want any kind of Christmas for ourselves and our children.

Some of these 'can't be bothered' men are perfectly good husbands who are caring and good partners, they just don't see the point of Christmas. Others are mean and penny pinching and don't want to spend any money. Others are actually nasty and don't want their children to have fun. Still more never had Christmas when they were young and just don't 'get it'. It's not easy to leave a 'D'H, so a lot of women overcompensate at Christmas. So it's not all women making a rod for their own backs (admittedly some of it, having the perfect chair covers and tablescaping and 'themed Christmases' absolutely IS).

It isn't always a case of 'if your DH doesn't play an equal part in Christmas, either down tools and do nothing yourself or leave him.' Life is complicated.

Women who want their men to be “as excited” as them over all things Christmas are setting themselves up for disappointment! A lot of men don’t care as much and that is fine! A good husband/partner and father is what really counts.
No one is making women do everything, they are choosing it themselves.

Without DH I couldn’t do the things I do. Whilst I might be doing all the planning, most of the gift buying, and all the food prep (all of which I love) he does all the essential and non glamorous things. We work as a team and always have.

My parents set up was far more traditional and my mum certainly did more, especially when hosting her thoroughly obnoxious BiL & family. Who never hosted once, never brought a gift and never once thanked my mum. I am very grateful to my mum for all the wonderful memories she created - and for advising me to never settle for less.

I do everything Christmas related in our house, because I love it and DH works long hours- it works for us.

If I were to pop my clogs, I have no doubt that he would do a very good Christmas. I think it would less traditional (he’s not especially wedded to the trad Christmas lunch and would probably experiment more). He’d buy fewer gifts but they would be thoughtful. Wrapping would be significantly worse 😭

It is the men in my family that do all the prep and cooking! I think times have changed/ are changing 🙌🏻

My question is why is it only women who seem to buy into the need to make sure Christmas so picture perfect with all these gifts and experiences. Why are so many unwilling to just drop all the ridiculous expectations?

Because we’ve been made to feel it’s our responsibility by society and the media.

My house and table would look less gorgeous as I’m good at all the titivation.

Apart from that, they’d be just fine. My husband does all the cooking and shopping. We buy absolutely all presents online and together, and he does most of the wrapping as he’s excellent at it. I might do the zhuzhing at the end.

As my mum used to remind me, I’m predominantly ornamental 😂

Of course, when they’re at uni! I not only sent my son an advent calendar (and this is completely normal), I sent him lights and baubles for his tree (as he’d sent me a photo of their naked tree which none of them could be bothered to decorate).

If they couldn’t be bothered to decorate why did you feel the need to send things? Just leave them to it!

But why not just…stop? I don’t get it. Every year there are threads from stressed, miserable women doing stuff that’s totally voluntary - it’s ridiculous.

They were delighted and sent me photos from their house WhatsApp. Sometimes it’s nice to be nice.

This is lovely.

A lot of posts on this thread seem
to start from the assumption that we’re all doing this stuff resentfully and due to societal pressure. “Why did you feel the need to send things?” is such an odd question to someone who has given no indication that they were acting out of obligation at all.

My DH does most of it. He’s the first one to start a spreadsheet, work out who needs what, make gift suggestions, buy stocking fillers, fetch the tree. He gets me lovely gifts when I have been unable to suggest anything I would like. I plan the food buying and I’m happy with that. I’m a minimalist at heart and struggle with Christmas but I do enjoy the day. It works well.

Quite. Why buy into it at all?

Jesus, do you not have better things to do? 😬

My DC are older now however I did and still do a pretty full on Christmas. I did it/do it because I love it and I love the fact my DC still talk about and want to do all of our traditions. If left to DP none of it would have happened.

What is ‘interesting’ though is has DP loves a fuss to be made of his birthday whilst doing pretty much zero for anyone else’s. No, I don’t go out of my way for his birthday now, early on I did until I understood the deal.

So yes in our house the big effort is down to me, I do it for me and my DC, it’s all about focusing your energy and doing what you want for you and yours not bowing to expectation. Neither do I put up with any of the behaviour/demands from extended family that I see on these threads. No way am I changing what I want because some person wants something else.

Sending some twinkly lights to your .child is hardly putting pressure on your time is it?

Well I am not a mum, have previously done most of the hosting for Xmas, and do not miss his mum (at Xmas) one bit.

My own mum did go all out with special food at Xmas and her pies were the very best.

It’s a team effort in our house. If anything my DH does more because he’s soppy over the kids having a good time (even though they’re adults!)

I didn’t say it was, that doesn’t stop it being a totally bizarre thing to do though.