What would Christmas be without Mums?

[PontiacBandit]

I reckon 85% of Christmas is down to women making it special. Traditions, decorations, meals, gifts. The planning, having to think of everyone, the organising of when gifts go to people, shopping for gifts and food and alcohol, sending cards, cooking a massive roast meal on the day, wrapping gifts.

I have a good DH but he's pretty rubbish at these things. He does more housework than I do but the planning and organising is not his thing at all.

If women did nothing at this time of year it would be shit show wouldn't it?

Well of course they do. Same as people who are missing one leg do an excellent job of using the leg that remains. Doesn’t mean they wouldn’t fancy having the leg back.

I said it before children as well. DD is 15. We didn’t do elves or Santa or Xmas eve boxes or loads of gifts or trailing around visiting family. DD has never been disappointed (I asked her recently if there was anything she feels she has missed out on and she said it’s all just too much faff and consumption).

(The xmases I experienced as a child were less commercialised but so stressful with travel and family arguments and not enjoyable at all. But the adults clearly felt it “must” be done a certain way so I just got conditioned to hate it. Am also ND and find it all mindblowingly pointless and overwhelming. So as soon as I could I opted out.)

We have fairy lights up all year. We find joy in so many things that we don’t need an over commercialised stress-fest at the end of the year. Would much rather see people and spend quality time with them throughout the year and have money to travel with DD than what goes for a modern “must have” Xmas.

I definitely do the bulk although I don't do anything for other half's family, I was clear from day 1 that wasn't happening. We do have a wrapping evening and share the wrapping and he also buys a few gifts for the kids on his own. I have done most of the food shopping although he has bought a few bits here and there. I organise any activities, meeting Santa etc and do all the school stuff. He does Elf on the shelf as I was very clear that was something I wasn't entertaining so that's on him. I don't normally cook but I am this year and I will expect him to help out with prep and clearing up. He does the outdoor lights, lights for tree etc and I do the rest of the decs with the kids. I am quite happy to give him a nudge if I feel he is being a bit lazy although I am part time so do have a bit of extra time.

As a single parent I actually find carrying the Christmas mental load a lot. We have had quite a few Christmases at home, just the three of us to give us a break from the storm. I'm still working up to Christmas just like lots of people do. Lots of my LTR friends don't understand this and I constantly get comments about going home to my parents - there house that hasn't been my home for years.

I cannot imagine having a partner who didn't pull his weight. Last year I had a boyfriend who for some reason made me still feel like I was doing it all including hosting him and his daughter. It was one of the of the straws that broke the camel's bak. His one job was to get Christmas crackers and dessert. Well he got the dessert but come lunch time Christmas Eve he couldn't find the crackers. I'm not saying the crackers are more important than people but the slap dash not caring approach really pissed me off when he wasn't doing much in the first place.

If DH was left in charge of everything for Xmas, the lead up to and the day itself would go without a hitch and everything would be organised well in advance, lots of little surprises along the way and lots of thoughtful items/actions.

However!!!! it would be regimental and rigid as he is an organiser and stickler for perfection - I've knocked most of that out of him over the years though.
We would all have times and timetables and woe betide anyone a minute either side of his timings.
We would have jobs/seats/responsibilities etc and woe betide anyone deviating from them.
His Mum and I reckon he was an army Sargent major in a previous life😂
We now have a very happy medium.
It also helps that I am a delegator and while I adore all things Christmas and love having a big gang over, I refuse for either of us to do it all. Everyone pitches in with providing, prepping, cooking and clearing and cleaning away.

I do see the opposite in my Dads family, my stepmum is SuperMum and does it all while my Dad insists "Sure it will be grand, don't be stressing"

Women don’t score higher - they just like to think they do. A lot of posters on this thread appear to have useless DH’s. How on earth do they manage to hold down a job?

In my household if i popped my clogs tomorrow I don't think it would look that much different. Slightly less decorations maybe but that's more because we have multiple trees and I love decorating. My children have started to take interest in decorating too plus baking so honestly it probably wouldn't look any different. My dh has all other areas covered.

This is something he very much has learnt since we have been together. He didn't even own a Christmas tree when we met. He grew up with his mum doing all of Christmas. It's really important to him our children don't grow up to be crap partners but also they see men can enjoy the making of Christmas/celebrations.

I am so glad to be with a partner who not just takes on a equal role but genuinely wants to. Enjoys it.Wants to go the extra mile. Sees the importance of it.

I sent my son an advent calendar via Amazon in his first year at UNI
He told me that he just ate the whole thing in one sitting
I didnt bother in his second year

I watched that film last night and do agree with it, although there were flaws with everyone.

I do fully agree with you OP btw, there's a massive amount of stuff that wouldn't get done without me. I'm seperating from STBExH, but currently still living together, its hell, but even more so emphasising how much family stuff I do.

We're big on stockings for grown ups, but cant wait till christmas morning and STBEXH has nothing in his because that's not my responsibility anymore. As in, we make a tradition of them, the gifts enclosed aren't expensive, but are things that I know the kids will love, or that are a bit odd. Like flavoured toothpaste, or giant cola bottles. Mine is mostly the nice things I've seen but wouldn't normally buy myself, like a gin miniature, or nice socks

Blimey you know some shit people! Luckily the men in my life are caring and loving!

Missing the point of the thread but…

WTAF is a ‘hot chocolate station’ ????

I thought I’d heard it all with the twee invented bullshit new compulsory traditions (see: bastard on a shelf, Xmas Eve boxes full of cliched twee cosy crapola, matchy-matchy ludicrous pajamas with Christmas designs on, trees going up in November, whole front gardens looking like Blackpool etc) but ‘hot chocolate stations’ really takes the (lovingly home-made by frazzled mums) biscuit.

No sympathy for people who buy into all the above and then moan about being frazzled / men not pulling their weight. I agree lots of men don’t do their bit over Xmas, but I don’t engage with any of this obscene over-blown bullshit and I’m v much a woman.

I love doing it all not because I’m a woman or a mum (although I suppose it is) but because Christmas to me is the best time of the whole live-long year

Agreed.

We don’t do elf on the shelf or Christmas Eve/1st December boxes, or hot chocolate stations.

DH is welcome to do them if he wants. But I’d have no truck with him deciding he wanted to do it, and then whining that I didn’t join in to help.

You might be right about Christmas, its an emotional thing for me, I love making it special for my kids.
But equally, I don't like organising car maintenance, or doing DIY, (except painting, I love that), so my husband does it.
I hate cooking, my husband does it
We each have our strengths and we work well together

@PontiacBandit have you seen the new film Prime called Oh What Fun? It's all about this subject - it will speak to a lot of Mums and hopefully a lot of Dads, husbands and kids as well!

I think perhaps in older generations that was defo the case. Less so now. Arguably I think women generally do more of the ‘mental load’ in every scenario. Partly as we are maybe ingrained too, partly because we enjoy it and partly because we are better at it on the whole.

I organise our activities in December, DH sorts all food/drink and does all the cooking on the day. He is way better at cooking than me. My in laws and parents both come over. I tend to buy the gifts because I love doing it. He does too and they randomly get added to the wrapping pile. He sorts his own families gifts - I do nothing, vice versa for mine. We jointly wrap our son’s presents.

He puts the tree up and we all decorate. As such I think it’s probably 50/50 here. I then organise the tip trip and tidying and he does the trip at the end of the Xmas period.

TBH he’s pretty great all year round so I can’t complain at all.

If you really believe this, why don't you celebrate Christmas this way now?

I think the "men's lack of care and effort would make everyone happier" crew are just embracing misogyny tbh. I am certain my dc are happier with carefully chosen gifts and a nice meal and plans to spend time doing things we enjoy. I very much want them to internalise the view that they are important, loved and live in a world where nice things happen to them.

Women are largely trapped into doing all the work because they love their families.

I did change my opening post to from Mums to Women to include these ladies, you are right, I should have changed the title too.

My mum died when I was a child and Christmases afterwards were very low key with my dad and siblings. We enjoyed them and my dad never seemed stressed about it. We had a Sunday roast for lunch which we would help with and each of us had a present we had asked for and he would make us a stocking each using old socks! We would go for a walk in the afternoon and he would read to us in the evening. He died before I had my children. My children are still quite young and we have a very stress free Christmas too.

Agreed - why are so many Mumsnet posters married to men who are incapable of? Do they not hold down a job - many on Mn post that their DH is unable to help as he has a “very important job “!
Rubbish - these women are just enabling them and enjoy the control!

My Dh did a good few years of Christmas on his own with his kids before he met me so I know some stuff would get done just not to the extent that I do.
He always has and always will go to his mums for dinner, if that wasn’t an option he definitely wouldn’t try and cook a full turkey with trimmings.
He does enjoy getting the decorations out and up, shopping wise he only buys for me and his team at work, I get the rest. I have heard from his family that gifts towards them before he met me weren’t great.

I do have to disagree that beans on toast in front of the telly would still be a great Christmas dinner, that’s just a regular day for us. Christmas wouldn’t be the same if mums didn’t go all out. I actually enjoy it though, I wouldn’t stress myself if I didn’t.

This.
I do what I do at Christmas because I had a parent (mum) who didn’t bother as much and always much preferred going to my grandparents who did. My mum doesn’t celebrate Christmas at all anymore which is her choice but life definitely wasn’t happier with our not well thought out gifts (cash only and absolutely nothing personal, no stockings etc) and Chinese takeaway for dinner.

I agree with this. All the additional pressure is pushed by women from what I can see. Every year there seems to be another “tradition” added to the pile, and women are there to martyr themselves to the cause.

This year my partner and I have gone Christmas shopping together so we could each pick our ideal present, decorated the tree together, and will be having Christmas dinner out at a local restaurant, then snacks and party food the rest of the time. So we will be spending Christmas actually in each other’s company rather than spending it in the kitchen cooking and cleaning.

I think the “men’s lack of care and effort would make everyone happier” crew are just embracing misogyny.

I don’t think most men would have a lack of care and effort. I think there’d probably be less of the “extras” (like an hot chocolate station) and that people would be just as happy. I don’t do all the extra shit and my children are just fine. I’ve no real sympathy for people who want to do the elf and the boxes on 1 Dec and again on Christmas Eve and a hot choc station and several light trails and a breakfast with Santa and so on, and then complain they don’t get help from someone who didn’t want it in the first place! I wouldn’t help DH if he suddenly wanted all that done.

I’m not talking about the men a PP said she knew who wouldn’t have cared if their child even got a present.

But loving your family shouldn’t mean running ragged to make them happy - that’s the point here. That’s not love in my book, it’s martyrdom. And by that statement are you saying that all these men fundamentally do not love their families?