Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

[GooseyGandalf]

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

Why do so many people put themselves through a Christmas they hate. I don’t get it.

Why will he be back for Christmas? Who invited him? He sounds utterly horrific and not someone who would ever cross my threshold again.

This wasn’t at Christmas but it was FIL. MIL and FIL had split up (back together now) and I, out of the goodness of my heart invited him to ours for Sunday dinner. He ate a wonderful meal, complimented it but then insulted me about my weight. As young as I was then I made it clear he’d said the wrong thing to me and he was never invited again. My dad (now deceased) was also of this generation and behaved a bit like OP’s FIL but at least he brought some laughs and humour with him.

I would do exactly that.

No, give it to the youngest child.

@thepariscrimefiles he truly is an horrific person, but I am of the generation that puts family above my own feelings. I couldn’t let a 90 year old man spend Christmas on his own and I couldn’t upset my dear DH (who completely accepts his father is a total cu*t). At least he brings the rest of us all together.

I’ll help you dig..

My dad can behave like this at family gatherings (rude comments about food and more, but also acting like his praise is worth its weight in gold, fetch me this and that). I don't pander to it anymore, but others in the family still do, even DM who divorced him years ago! They do call him out in stuff as well though, so he is occasionally toppled from his throne!

DH gently shuffled him along when he tried to sit at the head of our table. It was quite funny. My dad protested and sulked for a bit but nothing terrible happened.

I understand where your husband might be coming from a little. When your parents expresses displeasure to you as a child you feel like you are the inadequate one. It's shame basically. Being in their good books becomes the aim. Not easy to shake off this pattern. At least he's not adopted the same bad behavior.

I’m taking careful notes about patios, diggers, and alibis. ❤️

I am not sure what generation he is, but I am sixty and it’s not usual. My late parents would have been in their early eighties, and not usual. Neither would it have been for my grandparents ( born in the 1910s ).

It’s overt misogyny, and also shockingly rude. You’ve clearly pushed back, and established your own preferences in other areas. I would seriously consider doing it here too. It doesn’t need to be overtly confrontational. Start eating before him, talk before him, tell a joke or whatever. The first time might be difficult, then easier. You might find others will be relieved ( as they were re Christmas plans ). It is such a crucial lesson for women and girls to learn , and men and boys also that we don’t need to simply accept our opinions, places at the table and the rest are of less importance. Importantly you’ll feel better, more in control in your own house. As you should!

My FIL doesn’t contribute to presents either although when held at their house he does cook the Christmas Dinner pretty much by himself so we’ll give him an out there.

My gripe with him is that it is entirely random whether or not he will be hungry enough to eat anything. Sometimes he will pile his plate high and others he will eat a single roast potato and declare himself full. It’s such a buzz kill to watch someone sit there and not eat anything. He knows the drill by now - there will be lots of food here - so arrive hungry please it’s not hard!

That would never happen to me. I won't have them in my house. Useless waste of space. Its incredible how important some men think they are purely for possessing a penis.

I made a point a few years ago of asking my dad to sign cards that purported to be from him. He doesn't really get involved in present-buying but does help cooking the Christmas meal (although it tends to be the "male" jobs like taking care of the meat and the wine).

Agree with all the PPs saying don't pander to him.

I’ll help dig the foundations.
Considering I’m a pretty good cook I still get various tactless comments. Im
now menopausal and I doubt this year these will go unchallenged.

Fortunately I won't have any of that! My husband and children will think the sun shines out of my bum 🙂
My in laws always brought wine and possibly sweets for the kids, if they came over, nothing for me ...I don't drink alcohol. They were lovely people, on the whole.

@GooseyGandalf what age are your dc? I would literally pay them to sit at either end of the table from when fil arrives til dinner time, set out Lego or something for them 🤣🤣

Honestly, I would in all seriousness phone him and say 'by the way we're having goose/duck/nut roast this year, I'm sure you'll enjoy that'. I would not pander to him. I've met women whose husbands are like this, they live on their nerves, never relax and spend their lives smoothing over difficult situations. I wouldn't have it in my house.

Not normal at all OP.
It sounds absolutely toxic, and I am in my 60's.

I'm 64 and if a guy of my generation behaves like this, it's because he's been catered to all his life.

Snap. It's my mum who will shove £30 in an envelope and look like she is here under suffrance whilst my FIL will have asked me what his son wants, his son what I want and his son what our daughter wants. He is 88 now so we suggest and buy the things for him but he will wrap them and turns up with lovely old school papershop cards to my wonderful son and daughter in law / wonderful granddaughter. My mums will be cards that you'd get from a pack of 20. He also says thank you and seems generally pleased to have been invited, my mum has never in the at least 15 years we've had her round said thank you for the meal and and being picked up and dropped back off and plied with booze (she doesn't come with anything). But, having said that op I would not be putting up with it, say something, not aggressively but to let him know you have his card marked!

I will say though for balance, she is grateful and says thanks for her presents, which are thoughtful and plentiful.

Does anyone know of a piggery with starving pigs?

Yes we've had one of those who would open a present and say looking lost and perplexed what it is eg a picture ?

He will also readily announce when he is bored etc .
And ask and drill down who the gift is from even though dh and I are married. We don't do that one other way around eg fil I love this vase where did you get it from ?he's utterly incompetent.

@KayPop that's a very interesting strategy !
Totally switch the energy and focus around

Yes, same in my family. Oldest female first. Your FIL would be in the middle of the pack.

I'd prime a child to place hold the top seat so FIL can't sit there and it will be kept for you or someone nice.

Oh well you seem to have cheered up a bit now so maybe not a huge problem after all for you.