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Original poster

Entitled male relatives who contribute nothing to Christmas

443 replies

GooseyGandalf · 14/12/2025 09:12

We’re having dh’s dps for Christmas this year. Mil will bring something thoughtful, gifts for us all, that she has picked, bought and wrapped, offer to help in the kitchen, make lovely comments about the food. In previous years she has hosted for the extended family.

Fil will come. If any of the food isn’t up his liking he will pull a face. He will accept gifts, making his opinions obvious on them, as mil tuts at him and tries to redirect our attention, and at no point will he contribute anything to the occasion. Gifts are of course from both of them, but he will have no idea, or interest, in what they are. It’s obvious mil is entirely responsible.

When we were first married mil would correct my cooking choices, in line with fils preferences. I’m very happy to accommodate allergies, intolerances, preferences, vegans, and arfid - I like my guests to feel welcome. I went along with it, for mil and dh’s sake because they probably wouldn’t visit as much if I didn’t, and we’d have to stay with them more often instead, which is worse.

The entitlement sets my teeth on edge. Mil will be almost apologetic for coming at all, conscious of the workload, and he will just arrive and sit there, the great family patriarch and everyone plays along with it.

Including me.

When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me and I’ll try not to get stabby.

It’s a small enough thing in the greater scheme and not particularly unusual in his generation (though nothing like my lovely df, or even my gf) and not worth causing a row about. Just getting it off my chest here, in the hopes of getting through another Christmas without exploding.

Does anyone else have the honour of hosting a Great Male Guest this Christmas?

OP posts:
ChristmasinBrighton · 14/12/2025 10:41

You are enabling this dreadful man.

Can you buy/borrow a round table? Just swap with a mate for Christmas? Then make none of these ridiculous adjustments for FIL.

Go away for Christmas next year or eat out.

OneMintWasp · 14/12/2025 10:42

My husband will always make a point of clearing the table and washing up and asking whoever is cooking whether they want help. When FIL tries to get all the 'men' to go to the pub while the women cook lunch my husband says no he will stay and help. He still cannot call his dad out on things, he was conditioned not to. But he will use actions instead. I however will say in a deliberate passive agressive way (!!) 'we arent in the 1950s now. If you're going to the pub we will all come'
At this point everyone else will then agree with me and we will all go to the pub including kids (see why he hates me so much!!).

He slags me off to MIL and will try and turn her against me (SIL hears about it and tells me as we are on the same page about them). Sometimes MIL will be quite unpleasant or manipulative towards me as a result. I leave her to it when she does this. Its a shame as we can be quite close and get on well but she has been with a controlling and emotionally abusive man since her teens who seperates her off from others if he feels he is losing his control over her. As you can see, there are much deeper issues at play here!!

Putting him under the patio would solve everything!

Minnowsmouse · 14/12/2025 10:43

I always sit at the head of my table and I direct proceedings. I’ve cooked it all, so I’m in charge.

Please do this in future @GooseyGandalf . Don’t pander to your FIL.

Endofyear · 14/12/2025 10:43

I would just ignore him and let the others kowtow to him if they choose to, you don't have to! My MIL was like this with FIL and danced attendance on him and I just let her get on with it but I certainly didn't do it myself. Everyone's family dynamics are different but it's not worth getting worked up about.

FinallyHere · 14/12/2025 10:43

I really struggle with this, well any, kind of entitlement and however much I try only find myself getting aggressive when confronting it.

DSis handles it much better, as you would a toddler, a nice balance of humouring and reinforcing boundaries. It’s a pleasure to watch. Quietly arranges things do they have some key role , warn them enough in advance that they know what to do. If they engage in any ‘unwelcome behaviours’ they are starved of attention and the other family members share quiet grind and eye rolls.

k expect her many, many years service as a teacher in a primary school helps inform her approach. Sigh. Fortunately for me she is happy to host on Christmas Day.

Chocja · 14/12/2025 10:45

I would be getting a circular table and not serving a traditional dinner. Maybe a buffet or something people serve themselves to or go real protest and serve a nut roast and whatever you eat make sure the children are served first.

I think enabling this behaviour is setting a really bad example to your children and it is something you need to raise with your husband and yes I would be concerned that DH might follow in his father’s footsteps when he goes.

Could you not sit the children down in advance in their strategic positions to colour or build Lego or something at the table before dinner is served?

My grandfathers who would be about 115 if they were still alive, were nothing like this, nothing at all. My FIL is 83 and nothing like this. Seating priority only depends on who is cooking being nearest to the kitchen so they aren’t squeezing past everyone if there are lots of people there. MIL would be the first to tease FIL if he acted like that. They had two boys and she did not tolerate or encourage pink jobs or blue jobs or she would have been doing most of the work. She isn’t perfect but my husband and his brother were trained well as children to do their fair share of all jobs and for that alone I love her dearly.

furrysocks · 14/12/2025 10:46

First time I cooked Christmas dinner my ‘loves to hold court’ FIL kept going on about there being no trifle for dessert. I had made so much fucking food but he just wouldn’t let up. So I turned to him and said ‘that’s great, you can be in charge of bringing a trifle next year, thanks so much, one thing off my plate’ and followed up the next year reminding a couple of times that I couldn’t wait to try his delicious trifle. Funnily enough no trifle ever appeared. I agree, own it and sabotage his little king of the castle rituals.

HoneyParsnipSoup · 14/12/2025 10:46

Minnowsmouse · 14/12/2025 10:43

I always sit at the head of my table and I direct proceedings. I’ve cooked it all, so I’m in charge.

Please do this in future @GooseyGandalf . Don’t pander to your FIL.

Same here, the cook gets the head seat and also carves/tastes the meat.

SomethingFun · 14/12/2025 10:46

We had a similar dynamic with my dad but now he has passed it’s so much easier. I only hosted Xmas dinner twice for him though as it was so awful for lots of different reasons that I couldn’t cope with the upset. Now it is just my mum it turns out that everything doesn’t have to be handmade to Michelin starred standards to be edible and my dc can react to everything going on around them naturally without having to pretend to be perfectly behaved, and Christmas is actually a million times better for it.

I wouldn’t be hosting if I was you and unless your dh is always working in the emergency services on Xmas eve he needs to be doing more to help with the prep of Christmas. How convenient all these people running around after fil don’t actually have to do any of the work that is to be judged themselves. They all saw you coming even if no one will admit that.

ARoomSomewhere · 14/12/2025 10:48

SB: 'Breastfeeding (across the room)' not 'Breastfeeding across the room' - that *would be impressive ! Although perhaps some narcissistic behaviour stems from the proponents not realising those days are over ?

Pusstachio · 14/12/2025 10:49

Are you married to Santa?!

Id try to set the table so there’s no head, maybe put the turkey at one end and the pud at the other. If he tried to sit at the ‘head’ thank him profusely and keep asking him to pass bits and serve everyone

IAmAHomewardBounder · 14/12/2025 10:49

Just let him sit and then put the turkey at the opposite end of the table.

Halloweeeeeeeeen · 14/12/2025 10:52

Right I would invent a game for this, get the kids excited and keep mentioning it prior to the meal - ‘we have a fun game planned before lunch is served, the kids are really looking forward to it etc etc’.

wrap a small gift for every place at the table (chocolate, sweets, biscuits etc). Everyone sits down. You then take in turns to draw an instruction from a bag - e.g. everyone move one place to the left, swap with the person opposite you, choose a person to swap with. Once you have drawn them all everyone can unwrap the gift in front of them and that’s their seat for the meal. Of course there is a chance that FIL would end up at the head but hopefully it will be someone else. You can make it the start of a new tradition!

Kendodd · 14/12/2025 10:59

Gassylady · 14/12/2025 10:03

No matter what I would be sitting at the end of my own table this year. I would get the kids to unroll an official scroll and announce in loud voices who is to sit where and pull out their chair for them. Have it down to the last two and you get the prized end chair 😂

Oh and nobody needs to taste the turkey. I mean if he said he didn’t like it would everyone go hungry!

Edited

Yes, do this.
What would he do then?
Seriously?
I get the feeling your mil and dh would try to make light of it, trying to facilitate him taking his 'rightful place' at the head of the table and flapping around as peacemaker while he stood there waiting for the natural order to be restored and he could take his seat as king of his world.
If this happens, stand firm op. You and your husband, as hosts, sit at the ends of the table.
What would happen then op?
Would he insist him and mil leave?

myhaggisblewup · 14/12/2025 11:03

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/12/2025 09:17

It’s your home, have a seating plan so he isn’t at the head of the table, serve him
last, ask him to sort drinks for people, don’t sit in worshipful silence. He may well be entitled bit it sounds like you all know your places and play out this scene year after year, he can only play his part while you all play yours.

This sounds like my twat of a bil [in his 70's], everyone worships at his feet. He bullied and controled every family get together and mentally abusing his wife and adult kids. He would say jump and they'd ask how high, it was pathetic.
Last time I saw him he said 'I was a bolshy cow and x [my h] had no control over me because he was so weak.'

  • I told him he was a sad old twat and could go fuck himself. Before h and I walked out.
No contact with any of them now . It's fabulous.
JustPeter · 14/12/2025 11:04

Before you serve the dinner, carve a slice of turkey in the kitchen. Take it with great ironic ceremony to your DH to taste. Ask his opinion loudly.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 14/12/2025 11:05

Adult ds asked what he could bring last Christmas.. Dd guided him to a great cheese board... Smashing.
This year dd asked younger adult ds what he was bringing.. He snorted and declared Christmas was dm's responsibility because - in his words - she birthed me..
He's getting a cheese sandwich this bloody year.. If his db brings cheese..

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 14/12/2025 11:06

My father is an angel. My best male friend, my partner and my kids' dad are all proactive and involved with all aspects.

My ex FIL however... well, there's a reason he isn't invited despite his son (kids father) coming for Christmas.

MaplePumpkin · 14/12/2025 11:06

I think one small mercy here, is that your husband sounds great. If it was him behaving the way his father does, this would all be even worse.

As for your father in law, he sounds grim. I know you say you’ve tried place settings before and he ignores them, but can you or your husband not sit down before him? Or seat the children first? That way when he arrives at the table, he can’t sit there unless he physically tries to move someone! And then don’t place the Turkey in front of him. Let someone else carve it and have the first try, someone from the other end of the table.

TokyoSushi · 14/12/2025 11:07

Late FIL was like this, painful. Fortunately my own lovely Dad is a joy to host!

PGmicstand · 14/12/2025 11:08

GooseyGandalf · 14/12/2025 09:42

I tried seating plans. I set both ends of the table with children’s cutlery and plastic glasses one year, and used place cards. He ignored them and mil and sil helpfully scrambled to re arrange the table. The following year, dh reorganised the place cards. I’ve tried little micro aggressions, including the bin bag, and someone will swoop in and do it for him.

Dh is completely different - looks to see what needs doing, and pitches in whatever way he can so I don’t the dc are affected by fil - amused maybe, they don’t like him enough to be easily influenced. We don’t have a head of the table dynamic the rest of the year, everyone just pulls up a seat. Sometimes I wonder if dh and fil are actually related because they couldn’t be more different.

Dh cares a lot about what his df thinks. If he ever gets to a point of seeing for himself how fucked up that is, I’ll have his back. But in the meantime I’m not going to force the issue.

I like the idea of fussing over mil a lot more, though. There is no universe where she would sit at the head of the table though!!!

@Catzpyjamas three?! Sending you strength!

Urgh - this would really annoy me.
My Dad and FIL are both dead, but when they were alive, they'd never have just plonked themselves at the head of the table, they'd either ask, or wait to see if had any particular place they wanted to sit.

To be honest, if I were in your shoes, I'd just say to FIL - "No, you're not sitting there - your place is over there" and redirect him. It would probably feel uncomfortable for about 5 minutes, but that's a price I'd be prepared to pay.

ConstitutionHill · 14/12/2025 11:10

@Squirrelchops1can you link to the micro-feminist acts thread please 🙏

InMyOodie · 14/12/2025 11:12

Is this ceremonial 'tasting the turkey' a thing? I haven't come across it.

It's not a generational thing with your FIL. I haven't experienced the head of the table idea with men in their 80s or 90s.

I'd put the turkey in front of your MIL if you really need to highlight someone to taste it.

ittakes2 · 14/12/2025 11:13

“When dinner is served, he will automatically seat himself at the head of the table, taste the turkey and there will be a pause, while everyone waits to see if he approves, and mil will relax and dh beam proudly at me….”

I think you have a hubby problem why did this even start.

KittyFinlay · 14/12/2025 11:15

GooseyGandalf · 14/12/2025 09:42

I tried seating plans. I set both ends of the table with children’s cutlery and plastic glasses one year, and used place cards. He ignored them and mil and sil helpfully scrambled to re arrange the table. The following year, dh reorganised the place cards. I’ve tried little micro aggressions, including the bin bag, and someone will swoop in and do it for him.

Dh is completely different - looks to see what needs doing, and pitches in whatever way he can so I don’t the dc are affected by fil - amused maybe, they don’t like him enough to be easily influenced. We don’t have a head of the table dynamic the rest of the year, everyone just pulls up a seat. Sometimes I wonder if dh and fil are actually related because they couldn’t be more different.

Dh cares a lot about what his df thinks. If he ever gets to a point of seeing for himself how fucked up that is, I’ll have his back. But in the meantime I’m not going to force the issue.

I like the idea of fussing over mil a lot more, though. There is no universe where she would sit at the head of the table though!!!

@Catzpyjamas three?! Sending you strength!

"Oopsie daisy, I must have laid the table wrong. (DC) name is sitting there today. Graham, you're sitting over here. Let me move your drink and cutlery for you."