spending on grandchildren at Christmas

[way2serious]

We’ve currently got 2 grandchildren (from our eldest daughter) on whom we spend about £150 each. So firstly is this too much / not enough / about right? And secondly, we have four other children and so very likely to have more grandchildren in the next few years. We want to be as fair as possible and would need to decrease our spending for each child to ensure they all had the same amount as we couldn’t afford £150 each for more than 2. This obviously means that the first two will have had more for a few years. Do we need to make this up to the others or just lower the amount for all of them?

I hope that makes sense - I know I am probably overthinking things!! How have you managed what you spend as the number of grandchildren increases?

Gosh so much here (and all of it nasty).

First off, the words you are looking for are: ‘in my opinion’. There is no ‘should’ in any of this.

‘Grandparents have had there time…’ I mean, wow. Presumably by the same argument they should just shut themselves away and stop doing anything. I mean sod it, they’ve had their time, why not just start putting them down at retirement age and stop them stealing everyone else’s air?! (Incidentally, was it you who pushed in front of some grandparent’s queuing to get into a nativity on another post? She too seemed to have a similar view of the elderly).

And - I’m not usually this pedantic, but as yours was such a spectacularly bossy and horrid one - it’s ‘their’ not ‘there’.

As for, ‘let the actual parents get that magical moment…’ I think you’ve probably missed something rather fundamental about giving. Giving isn’t about status or making the giver feel important. It’s about the person we are giving to. Setting rather fundamentalist rules about what everyone else can give so that you will take the prize for best present at Christmas is about as far away from the Christmas spirit as you can get.

Now, absolutely, it might be rather difficult if one person (not a parent) is going all out and making the parents feel bad for not being able to do anything like that for their children, but equally parents have enormous costs throughout the year and perhaps some of them might appreciate a grandparent or other being able to lift some of the burden of an expensive Christmas.

Less is more. You're upstaging Santa.

I think you do need to treat them all the same. So reduce what you spend asap

Id reduce it to more manageable levels - you can always give more at a later date but starting high and cutting back when more gcs arrive will be a bitter pill to swallow

I tend to ask them what they would like now they’re older and then spend similar amounts on all 6 of them!
One wanted a laptop this year so I got that, it was £250 so the other’s get roughly that amount too.
My adult children get around £100 each. The trouble is it’s so easy to spend more and I occasionally do because I don’t like having to put a budget on what to buy as I’d like to buy what they want within reason, a bottle of favourite perfume and a pair of favourite brand trainers can easily be £150/£200.

If another of your children has children, please have a conversation about this and explain why you no doubt won't spend £150 on their child their first Christmas. Explain you made mistakes in budget setting and quickly realised it was unaffordable.

I can guarantee you that yes they will have noticed their child isn't getting the treatment their siblings kids did, and yes they will feel hurt. So many people treat their first grandchildren far better than all subsequent grandchildren on terms of time, attention and money, and it's just horrible for younger siblings when they go on to have children 😢

For context, MIL spends £50 per child. It's more than enough, even for our nearly teen - still covers a video game or tech accessory, so a substantial present,

While my mum was alive, the grandchildren received a £20 gift and £20 for the bank account.

I disagree they are my children nobody else's its the same as these adults who still have there mums come round and clean there house or who look after the kids more then the parents do. I'm a capable adult and parent and don't need others to step in and parent for me. The big presents are the parents job nobody else's. Imagine saving up all year to buy your own child a nice gift and you're so excited to see there faces light up and then nan swoops in with handfuls of expensive presents.

I think this is where the change has happened and the balance is of grandparents are now raising peoples children. I've never used my parents for anything but emergency childcare as they are my children and my responsibility now that grandparents are raising the children they are also buying the big Christmas presents they might aswell just adopt them at this point

I don’t have to imagine it. Last year my MIL bought our daughter her favourite present of Christmas. It wasn’t the most expensive thing, but it was hideously pink and silly and she loved it. But the point is that she loved it. I loved that she was so pleased with it.

Like I say, it’s not a competition and giving presents isn’t about giving an ego boost to the parents or somehow proving their love or that parents are better or more important than everyone else. A child knows the value of people through far, far, more than who gives them what for Christmas. Equally, no matter how much a child may love their grandparents it will almost always be a different level of love and need than what they feel for their parents.

Ultimately, it’s about not feeling so insecure that you need to find validation and prove value through objects.

But i want my kids favourite present to be from us. I don't want to buy my kid a PlayStation 4 and nan swoops in with a PlayStation 5. They're my kids

Oh, and your point about grandparents who ‘look after the kids more then the parents do…’ is completely lacking in understanding for other people’s circumstances. It’s great that you need no help in life, other people do. That you feel that this is something worthy of your disdain and judgment is completely lacking in compassion and understanding that everyone is different.

Why does it matter? Why do you feel so insecure in your children’s love that you have to prove it through gifts and money? (While at the same time being so judgmental of the help and support others may need)

Actually, the change happened a couple of generations ago, and in a different way than you suggest, when families started living in far smaller units. Before that generally older parents/ grandparents would live with the family rather than being shipped out to care homes or have carers come in. While they were well enough, grandparents were fundamental in the raising of children. They were there while often the parents were out working incredibly long hours. The saying that, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’, was pretty much a reality. Then, when grandparents got too frail or ill, their families cared for them. It’s only in the last two or three generations that this changed.

I wish more people thought this type of thing through before launching all their spending power at first child/grandchild/niece/nephew etc. It’s such a cause of issues in a family.

Same as providing childcare or babysitting - doing loads for the firsts but leaving no space for others. Most people have more than one child and if you have more than one child there more often than not there will be 4+ grandchildren.

Having recently welcomed a new member to the extended family I paused and thought about what I would be happy doing for all the potential same family position on both sides and stuck with that. It’s so easy to get carried away but I absolutely loath unfairness amongst equals so will not be joining in the going overboard when there are potentially many more babies to come.

. How much are the parents spending? You shouldn’t out do them, allow them to have their special memories. Remember you’re the grandparents not the parents. One or two presents from you is plenty. £150 would be a lot across multiple grandchildren. You don’t need to put yourself under this kind of pressure. Your time and adventures is the best gift!

Since my DH and I have retired,I feel Christmas has become somewhat expensive.
This year our grown up DC have had hardships of their own ( SIL unemployed for a spell, DIL changed to lower paid job).
I suggested doing a secret santa for the adults in the family, rather than buy everyone gifts they prob don t require/ like/ use. Everyone agreed.
Money we re saving from not buying 6 presents each will go on the grandchildren.I usually spend around £50 on each of them ,now can spend abput £100.

My parents have 16 grandchildren and we don’t ask for anything. My mum may ask if there’s anything they might like so I say smellies. They usually end up giving each grandchild £20 and that’s still a lot. I would start as you mean to go on, £150 is a lot of money.

It does seem like a lot but o wouldn’t worry too much about future grandchildren until they arrrive then cut your cloth accordingly.

I don't know how you and your family do Christmas but we were always raised with a large present pile at Christmas. We didn't get throughout the rest of the year as a rule, but were given a lot at Christmas. As a result, we continue to do this with out own children.

However, my mum has transferred the amount she used to buy for us onto our kids, which is undoubtedly incredibly generous. But it does mean that our kids are overwhelmed with the amount of stuff. One year when my nephews were little, we had to hold stuff over till the next day or two because they got fed up opening presents. That's awful.

I personally think £150 is incredibly generous and kids don't need that much stuff. I would prefer that my mum spent much less than she does and that we could spend the day chatting and playing games, as that's what i want my kids to remember about Christmas, and not just it being a day of opening presents. Although I completely understand the excitement of Christmas as a grandparent!

I do £100 per GC! I've 5. 1 is now working so he gets a token of £20

There's a whole load of space between grandparents highjacking the parents main big present (unforgivable) and only being allowed to buy "a token gift" because "they've had their turn"

You sound like you’ve got a chip on your shoulder….helping out your kids with chIldcare isn’t a new thing….my DM cared for mine….I now do my share ( along with other GP)….to help out with my GC …..I’m certainly not being the parent….I bought all 3 of my GCs bikes last year (after asking parents first)….the parents were made up….said i they had bought the bikes then they wouldn’t have got much else…that way meant they could buy all the other things on their list

My kids grandparents didn't shower them with gifts - in a way I was grateful because it was a good opportunity for them to learn that receiving gifts is not love, it's just stuff - my kids had plenty, they are fortunate. Time is the precious thing.

We spend up to about £50 for g/kids.
They get loads from their parents and other family so they're not deprived!