Double booked on the same date, no idea what to do

[ThePurpleHelper]

I have 2 events that are now booked for the same day, and I'm so stuck.

My friend's birthday, not a milestone birthday but she loves a bit of a fuss. She's booked an evening entertainment on December 13th for a few friends. I've paid in advance for this (its not a lot of money). Think like painting pottery. This was arranged first.

Now, my family. Oh my family. I am one of four siblings and we're trying to meet up at christmas. However.
Sister 1: Cannot do early December, cannot do sundays.
Sister 2: Has just had a baby, doesn't want to drive far.
Brother: Runs a restaurant/is head chef so cannot get time off in November, or between December 15th and January 12th.

So if we want to meet up for Christmas, that leaves... December 13th. Which they've all agreed on in the group chat, and are pleased they found a date that works. They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over. If I was going to someone else's house, I could do both but with the hosting, having guests staying the night, I don't think it'll be doable.

And I want to see my family, so my instinct is to cancel on my friend but I know her feelings will be hurt if I cancel on her, and honestly I don't want to cancel but realistically, I cannot see another possible date that would work for the family...

Not really sure why I'm posting to be honest, maybe with some small glimmer of hope I can do both somehow. Any advice is welcomed.

Did anyone else pick up on ‘she likes a fuss’ in the OP. Just doesn’t sit right with me - like the OP wanted us all to say ‘ditch the friend and her silly little birthday’.

I suspect you won’t say no to your family and will let your friend down.

This is bewildering. You've said you're not free. They can't just impose hosting duties on you. Say no! Either one of them hosts or you rearrange dates.

Your siblings sound exactly like DH's, where they completely disregard whether or not he's available, and go ahead and book a date they know he can't do. Every bloody time. I get irate about it's because it's so blatantly disrespectful, and he always just cancels his other plans and goes along with it.

Your family sound like that, with the added bonus of strong arming you into hosting - whether you offer or not.

Don't be like my DH - stand up for yourself and say no!

Any update on your decision OP?

Your whole family have dictated when doesn’t work for them, and that day doesn’t work for you. So no you shouldn’t cancel going to your friends birthday thing!

“They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over.”

I think at this point, I would have booked to go abroad to some Christmas markets…

This! They’ve been so unfair on you Op that it’s giving me the rage on your behalf!

I know I’m in a grumpy mood but fuck me, imagine being this passive in your one and only life.

This. You get to choose things too OP. Do you want decades ahead of you where you do what suits everyone else and give up your own plans, year on year?

I couldn't be this passive either. I hate rewarding bad behaviour and even more so if it would involve letting down someone else who's done nothing wrong.

OP, if your family want you to host them and put some of them up for the night, then you actually hold most of the cards in this situation. Who cares if your sister is "strong-willed" and will dig her heels in? She can't force you to cook her a roast!

Arrange it for January when no one is stressed.

What the actual fuck have I just read?

Assuming you don't want to directly tell them to do being such cheeky fuckers, I would quote my original message in the group chat stating I'm not free that day with a laughing emoji saying something like, "think some
vital ingredients are missing from this plan - host, chef and available venue! If there's no other date we can all do before Christmas, let's have a January celebration (I'll even keep the Christmas decs up if you like! 😁)"

Do tell your DH to get to fuck, though. If he wants to host his family with a roast, he is more than welcome to do so provided he cooks it (and arranges and hosts it).

Christ.

Christ alive, my sympathies! I applaud your getting out of dodge the last time - did the message sink in?!

Why are their reasons for not being able to do certain dates valid and taken into account but yours isn’t? Is it because you don’t normally speak up for yourself just like now so they think you will go along with whatever? Why is your friends birthday less important than someone not wanting to drive far? Find your voice and don’t fuck over your friend.

Just tell your family you are free in the daytime but cannot host as you already have evening plans. Simple.

Yes I was about to suggest this. Explain the prior engagement and happy to host but you can’t cook that day. Do not cancel on your friend!

Your family sound quite overbearing OP. Would they react badly to this?