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Original poster

Double booked on the same date, no idea what to do

166 replies

ThePurpleHelper · 20/10/2025 10:48

I have 2 events that are now booked for the same day, and I'm so stuck.

My friend's birthday, not a milestone birthday but she loves a bit of a fuss. She's booked an evening entertainment on December 13th for a few friends. I've paid in advance for this (its not a lot of money). Think like painting pottery. This was arranged first.

Now, my family. Oh my family. I am one of four siblings and we're trying to meet up at christmas. However.
Sister 1: Cannot do early December, cannot do sundays.
Sister 2: Has just had a baby, doesn't want to drive far.
Brother: Runs a restaurant/is head chef so cannot get time off in November, or between December 15th and January 12th.

So if we want to meet up for Christmas, that leaves... December 13th. Which they've all agreed on in the group chat, and are pleased they found a date that works. They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over. If I was going to someone else's house, I could do both but with the hosting, having guests staying the night, I don't think it'll be doable.

And I want to see my family, so my instinct is to cancel on my friend but I know her feelings will be hurt if I cancel on her, and honestly I don't want to cancel but realistically, I cannot see another possible date that would work for the family...

Not really sure why I'm posting to be honest, maybe with some small glimmer of hope I can do both somehow. Any advice is welcomed.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/10/2025 12:14

ThePurpleHelper · 20/10/2025 11:46

I guess I should add in more detail.

Restaurants are out of the question - we tried recently having lunch in pub with my 3 year old nephew and it was hell. We all have kids under 5 so its difficult anyway but my nephew is a terror. We can't even do an early lunch as my daughter has a school thing that morning that finishes at 12:30pm, so it would be a later lunch anyway.

Why am I hosting - its assumed because I'm closest to Sister 2 so less driving for her, and I have the largest house. I am a bit miffed it was just sort of assumed but it sort of is the default option for my family, and I hadn't said I wouldn't this year. It helps I have a playroom we can let the kids go crazy in with minimal worry (see above about terror nephew). Plus enough space for everyone to sit down for a meal.

I had already said I wasn't available on Saturday - both because my daughter's school thing in the morning, and because of the friends birthday. My fault for saying why, I should have just said "can't do Saturday". But things get missed easily with so many voices in a chat, and by the time I got back to the chat, they'd already agreed. I do think if I push back and say I can't do that Saturday, it just wouldn't happen. This year has been chaotic - my brother is going through a divorce, my dad is going through cancer treatment, we've got the new baby, and I don't want to be the one to ruin a family christmas. My sister is very strong willed and I can see her refusing to reschedule that date because "its already been decided", which means it just wouldn't happen (also not sure it could happen before Jan 12th anyway because of the schedules)

But I am seeing I am a bit of a pushed over. I even said to my husband I'll probably just order in take away. And he has guilt tripped me into cooking the full roast (he lost his mum 2 years ago, his family are in pieces, and its the only time he says that he feels like he still has family to sit down together. And we can't do a pub lunch).

I think I'm sounding a bit pathetic 😂 and probably scatter brained, I'm sort of typing out my thoughts as they come.

Edited

You are not being pathetic. Your family are used to dragooning you into doing things and can't accept that with a family of your own and a new baby to boot! you are not available to service all their requirements all of the time.

As for your DH insisting it has to be a full roast instead of a simple take away.. Why doens't he blooming well cook that.

Look. You are booked. you don't want to cancel. You don't want to host. There is too much going on in every single person's life at the moment.

HOWEVER. you can all do Jan 12.. so why not just do it then? You will all have a much more relaxed gathering without any cares and woes oppressing you and it will be much nicer than a stressed, enforced, rushed gathering where you feel completely put apon. Get your family used to a new saying "Christmas is a moveable feast." And then it will be something to look forward to.

Your sister will kick off... but so what... Is stopping her from stropping and moaning more important that your own life priorities? No it is not. Unless she wants to host on a date of your choice....? Stand firm. Being repentant and sounding like you feel guilty will just encourage you to cave... and if you notice... that is why they are all so bossy and demanding so that no one will dare to gainsay them.

Best of luck and have a great 12 Jan.

Brefugee · 20/10/2025 12:14

also you need to tell your DH to grow the fuck up and if he wants a roast, what is he going to cook.

Cucy · 20/10/2025 12:15

Which they've all agreed on in the group chat, and are pleased they found a date that works. They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over.

I would refuse even if I wasn’t busy.

How dare they just assume you are free on that day and decide your cooking and hosting, as well as having the people stay over.

Tell them you can’t do that date and remind them that you’ve already told them so.

childofthe607080s · 20/10/2025 12:17

They agreed a date that doesn’t work for you - sounds like it need to happen in January

WatchThisGladys · 20/10/2025 12:18

I'm not sure if you agreed to the 13th before remembering your prior commitment, or if the others agreed it amongst themselves without asking you.

Either way, I would stick with your friend's birthday as it was arranged first. Why can't one of your relatives compromise, especially as they have ruled a lot of dates out and they expect you to host? It sounds as though you're a people pleaser, but if you go along with this, you're not being kind to your friend.

Cucy · 20/10/2025 12:19

On WhatsApp you can do a poll.

Put every Friday and Saturday into it and everyone can vote on the days they can do.

If every one has more than one person who can’t do it, then it’s fair enough that that seems the best date.

But I’m sure there’s at least one other day when most of you apart from one can do and so on the dates where only 1 person can’t make it, it’s a discussion about whether they can rearrange their plans or not.

Why should you automatically cancel your plans and none of them should.

Zempy · 20/10/2025 12:20

You just have to repeat that you aren’t available that day.

childofthe607080s · 20/10/2025 12:20

find the post where you said you can’t make the 13th and repost it to them

Todooloo · 20/10/2025 12:21

Have them over morning and afternoon do a roast. Leave for evening do. Say they are welcome to stay.

Birdy1982 · 20/10/2025 12:22

Spread the load - everyone brings a dish

latetothefisting · 20/10/2025 12:25

I think I'm sounding a bit pathetic
not pathetic, I'd say bullied/walked over
why do everyone else's wishes come before yours?
All your siblings, your husband....they all seem to treat you like some sort of maid - they decide what suits them and you do all the work. I'm not entirely sure why you want to see them so much tbh they sound horrible.

I'd be prioritising the friend who only wants you to turn up, not plan and host the entire thing.

I don't want to be the one to ruin a family christmas.
You wouldn't be! Any more than your brother because of the dates he can't do etc. If anything you sound the most flexible out of all of them - you can't do one day, they're writing off multiple weeks.

Stand up for yourself woman!

HMW19061 · 20/10/2025 12:30

Screen shot and repost the WhatsApp’s message you wrote where you told them you couldn’t do that day and tell them it doesn’t work for you. Suggest a date in January that you can all do. If sister wants to kick off about it then that’s on her, she either doesn’t come to the new date or she hosts on the December date so that you are able to leave to go to your event. They do not get to dictate your life.

SJM1988 · 20/10/2025 12:32

You either tell them you said you weren't available so sorry no can do or you cancel the friend thing.

It wouldn't be you ruining a family get together if you told them no to the date. You said it already and they chose to ignore it and plan on anyway. Why is you having other plans less important than any other plans your siblings have. They sound like they know you are a bit of a pushover so don't respect your time at all.

I am very much like you and don't like letting anyone down, try to make all plans work but the last few Christmas' I do feel a bit like if you can't be bothered to respect anything I have planned then sorry I don't want to see you. This year I know the cousin meet up is going to be scheduled for the weekend my parents are suppose to be visiting me......I've already said sorry we have plans but because one set of cousins is only free that weekend they assume it will be planned for then. Why are my plans not as important as theirs in things? They wont give in and I will be asked to change our plans but this year it isnt happening.

MikeRafone · 20/10/2025 12:33

So if we want to meet up for Christmas, that leaves... December 13th. Which they've all agreed on in the group chat, and are pleased they found a date that works. They've also decided I'm hosting and cooking, and some other family members will be staying over. If I was going to someone else's house, I could do both but with the hosting, having guests staying the night, I don't think it'll be doable.

they cnant decide you're hosting on an evening youre going out

make it January or 5th December

bridgetreilly · 20/10/2025 12:35

You have to start using your words with your family.

ThisGentleRaven · 20/10/2025 12:36

childofthe607080s · 20/10/2025 12:17

They agreed a date that doesn’t work for you - sounds like it need to happen in January

exactly that

why do you have to agree to a date that doesn't work for YOU, but they can't?
If you have to wait until June, then wait then

WallaceinAnderland · 20/10/2025 12:37

The date didn't work for you and you said so. Just go back to the group and say 'As I said, I can't do the 13th'.

I'm sure you don't want all those kids, extra hyped up for Christmas, trashing your house and hosting for large numbers when you probably already have so much to do.

Why not suggest meeting up in the New Year when people are generally less busy. Suggest a takeaway. It will be something to look forward to as January usually drags and the kids can bring their new toys to play with together.

PractisingMyTelekenipsis · 20/10/2025 12:38

Your family sounds like mine. They arrange things on a day that suits them and I'm just expected to fit in. It doesnt matter what previous plans I've got, including work. And if I don't cancel and attend the family event I get snarky comments for months.

My mum claims they pick a date that suits the majority, but it's always the majority that isn't me. Ie it suits her and my brother.

TonTonMacoute · 20/10/2025 12:42

Comefromaway · 20/10/2025 10:56

You have to tell them that you already have an event on that date that you have booked and paid for, simple. They cannot expect you to just be available without having asked you first.

This. Why is this hard?

If they are expecting you to host, and you aren't free that day, then they haven't found a date that suits everybody!

It feels like you are the family doormat.

No5ChalksRoad · 20/10/2025 12:43

So your brother literally cannot find 3-4 hours in the entire month of December to celebrate with his family? And half of January?

eatreadsleeprepeat · 20/10/2025 12:48

If husband has guilt tripped you into doing a roast dinner then I would go back on the group chat and say that you will host so that the event happens but it is only going to happen on your terms. Others have to bring starter/pudding/wine/food for kids. Everyone will have to help tidy up. Everyone not staying over needs to be gone by 5 o’clock, anyone staying will be entertained by DH as you will be going out.

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/10/2025 12:48

You say to your family, sorry guys it should have been louder but I said already i cannot do that Saturday. I can fit in late lunch but not hosting. Happy to host for a round 2 in late jan, and we can lock that in now. Where can we meet for lunch at say 1:30 on that Saturday?

stop being a pushover, it is making you a bad friend. Your dh will have to wait for February and he can cook his own roast.

dijonketchup · 20/10/2025 12:49

museumum · 20/10/2025 11:51

Actually have you considered hosting the lunch then just buggering off to your pre-arranged friend's birthday evening and leaving your DH to host the remains of the day and tidy it all up. I think that's what I'd do.

This is the way OP! Everyone will have run out of steam by the evening anyway/be putting kids to bed etc. The key is early and good delegation e.g. “guess I can make that work, if someone will volunteer to do kids’ tea while I’m out at x’s birthday?”

UncleHerbieIsBack · 20/10/2025 12:52

WhatsForDinnerMama · 20/10/2025 11:53

Your family are pushy and didn’t wait for you to confirm before volunteering you, and your husband has guilt tripped you as well. I’d tell them all to fuck off. <only slightly joking>

Show quote history

I’d be telling whoever volunteered me to fuck off too, whether pregnant or not

Newgrowth · 20/10/2025 12:52

I used to be you @ThePurpleHelper. I ended up getting ill and pushed back against the onslaught of 'getting back to normal', ie using me as a general dogsbody once I started to feel better. It was exhausting but as Im coming out the other side it is starting to get better. You need to reshare your comment about not being free. They dont get to decide whether your previous commitments are more important or not. Same with dh - tell him to cook the fecking roast, checky fecker